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Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

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CJ, i really wish the best for you. in my previous posts, I may have been condescending and didn't understand your situation, and I apologize for that, but after researching benzo withdrawal, I know that you are going through the worst. i wish you the best of luck in your endeavor. keep us updated. the thing is, what you're going through, it's not gonna be forever. take little steps each day.
 
deadendgame said:
CJ, i really wish the best for you. in my previous posts, I may have been condescending and didn't understand your situation, and I apologize for that, but after researching benzo withdrawal, I know that you are going through the worst. i wish you the best of luck in your endeavor. keep us updated. the thing is, what you're going through, it's not gonna be forever. take little steps each day.
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Its all good man I want to hear all points of view and opinions. In my heart of hearts I agree with the people who say get the fuck over it and move on. "Get a job get a car an apartment in a only somewhat run down area. Meet a girl fall in love get divorced get a new apartment and a promotion at work .25 cents more an hour with double the work. do the girl thing again maybe a kid whappens." The problem is that doesn't sound like something I want, so I have to find a new path. That took a long ass time to 24iyr
 
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I never knew what a benzo withdrawal was until I found out the hard way. When I discovered them they were like comfort sweeties from heaven and I bought them in their hundreds. Probably dodgy ones too.

then I had a bad, toxic night out, and stopped everything suddenly. I wish in retrospect I had known about the idea of a taper. My GP just gave me beta blockers and said "good luck". I went back to him years later and told him it was his fault I have an anxiety disorder...

My heart goes out to you man. I haven't read the whole thread, but I hope you are doing well. I have spent the last 3 years studying my mental health and solutions for anxiety disorders and general well being psychology. At some point I was going to do a write up of everything I've found for a friend of a friend. PM if you want the infos at some point. I can't promise it's groundbreaking stuff or that I will write it immediately. It's mostly a holistic and behavioural approach. That said, I can't wait to try rTMS - I have high hopes for that.

Best wishes
 
Hi, OP. Just checking in. Hope all is going well.

I saw the blood pressure posts and wanted to share my experience. My heart rate and blood pressure were so high after quitting benzos--for 3 whole YEARS--that I had to wear a heart monitor to make sure everything was okay. My doctor wheeled out an EKG machine after a routine blood pressure check because my readings were so off. I'm only 31 and not overweight. This was never a problem until I used/quit benzos, mind you. I think it's a pretty common occurrence. It's gradually getting better the farther from withdrawal I get, but it has taken years. And what did my doctor try to prescribe for this "anxiety"? Benzos, of course. I never told him of my history with them, but I politely turned them down. :D

Of course you might just have underlying hypertension, but the benzos sure don't help. Glad to see you're still hanging in there, anyway. Peace!
 
Lady Codone said:
Hi, OP. Just checking in. Hope all is going well.

I saw the blood pressure posts and wanted to share my experience. My heart rate and blood pressure were so high after quitting benzos--for 3 whole YEARS--that I had to wear a heart monitor to make sure everything was okay. My doctor wheeled out an EKG machine after a routine blood pressure check because my readings were so off. I'm only 31 and not overweight. This was never a problem until I used/quit benzos, mind you. I think it's a pretty common occurrence. It's gradually getting better the farther from withdrawal I get, but it has taken years. And what did my doctor try to prescribe for this "anxiety"? Benzos, of course. I never told him of my history with them, but I politely turned them down. :D

Of course you might just have underlying hypertension, but the benzos sure don't help. Glad to see you're still hanging in there, anyway. Peace!
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Hey, I'm curious did you get other long term side effects after you quit benzos? I'm new here and haven't dug deep enough yet perhaps, but I'm very interested in long term PAWS for benzos. I've struggled ever since the cold turkey I mentioned above, but not sure whether it was the benzos, or the toxic poly-drug combination of that particular night, or something else or all of the above. My general laymans theory was that it was a toxic poly-drug experience and my brain was flooded with toxins after my liver couldn't do it's job properly, then the benzo withdrawal was the icing on the cake. But not sure, and now I'm on Bluelight I'd like to investigate further, share mutual experiences/opinions etc, and try to get to the bottom of what happened and what is and isn't plausible to assume. I generally got a lot of blank faces when I talked to psychiatrists etc and they tried to give me more drugs, like you said. Took a while to find realistic solutions, but not quite there yet!

I don't want to hijack the thread so feel free to PM me if it seems like a better idea.
 
Hey Guys - I'm back! Missed you!

cj - I've read through some of your recent posts...don't settle with a life you aren't interested in leading. If you don't want or aren't ready for the house, job, girl, etc don't do it. While many of those things bring pleasure they also bring a lot of pressure and responsibility. Take your time and figure out what you want in life (especially with the girl and kid).

Recent Discussions- I have been off benzos for seven years and I am still recovering. The first three were absolute hell but it does get better. I will read through more thoroughly tomorrow and address specifics but wanted to mention this. While not necessarily everyone's experience, recovering from benzos can take years for some, especially if they quit cold turkey. What happens when a long term user abruptly discontinues them they enter a state of excitotoxicity which throws their glutamate system into overdrive. Excessive glutamate causes widespread neurological damage. Compounding the issue is that the body is unable to regenerate neurological tissue while on benzos (Alzheimer, dementia connection to benzos) and so damage is not only pervasive but is stacked. The excitotoxicity is the same thing that happens in traumatic brain injuries, so if your withdrawal was hell and healing slow google traumatic brain injury for suggestions as there is much more research on that then benzo withdrawal. In seven years benzo free I am 85% recovered, though my anxiety is still higher than baseline and I still have facial tics (Botox is a lifesaver) and a debilitating memory. Just wanted to mention that in passing. I will be back tomorrow and will read through the last few pages and respond with some answers. Good night all!
 
I really appreciate this post moreaux. I'm worried so much that I did traumatic/permanent damage to my brain by, as I mentioned numerous times on bluelight so you my know my story, drinking a random substance that was supposedly lean. I started feeling symptoms the next day which was about my 4th day Cold turkey and I can only hope that that was the day when the last bit on Xanax completely outed my system and whatever I drank made things a little worse but it's good to know people experiencing similar things are out there. I just can't imagine that 2 years of Xanax abuse is causing how I'm feeling you know. I just can't help thinking it's something else
 
Moreaux said:
Hey Guys - I'm back! Missed you!

cj - I've read through some of your recent posts...don't settle with a life you aren't interested in leading. If you don't want or aren't ready for the house, job, girl, etc don't do it. While many of those things bring pleasure they also bring a lot of pressure and responsibility. Take your time and figure out what you want in life (especially with the girl and kid).

Recent Discussions- I have been off benzos for seven years and I am still recovering. The first three were absolute hell but it does get better. I will read through more thoroughly tomorrow and address specifics but wanted to mention this. While not necessarily everyone's experience, recovering from benzos can take years for some, especially if they quit cold turkey. What happens when a long term user abruptly discontinues them they enter a state of excitotoxicity which throws their glutamate system into overdrive. Excessive glutamate causes widespread neurological damage. Compounding the issue is that the body is unable to regenerate neurological tissue while on benzos (Alzheimer, dementia connection to benzos) and so damage is not only pervasive but is stacked. The excitotoxicity is the same thing that happens in traumatic brain injuries, so if your withdrawal was hell and healing slow google traumatic brain injury for suggestions as there is much more research on that then benzo withdrawal. In seven years benzo free I am 85% recovered, though my anxiety is still higher than baseline and I still have facial tics (Botox is a lifesaver) and a debilitating memory. Just wanted to mention that in passing. I will be back tomorrow and will read through the last few pages and respond with some answers. Good night all!
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Yay! She's back =D <3
 
Sorry I've been out of touch for a second. I've relapsed back on the benzos to a moderate degree more like I go on binges for a couples days drop back down to 2mg kpin a day then repeat the next week. I went through a 90 bottle of 600 gabapwntin in 10 days which was really funmy parents are pissued though oh well celeve right.....
 
Have you noticed what it was that led you to the brief increase in your use? In terms of stuff going on in your life around the time it happened I mean. Like in terms of stuff causing you more stress than normal?
 
cj said:
I went through a 90 bottle of 600 gabapwntin in 10 days which was really funmy parents are pissued though oh well celeve right.....
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Jesus, that's over 5,000mg a day
 
You'd be amazed. I won't include the actual number of grams I could go through in a matter of just a few days when I was tolerant to that stuff, but safe to say it is multiple that amount in fewer days. Not my proudest moment.
 
Moreaux said:
I still have facial tics (Botox is a lifesaver) and a debilitating memory.
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Welcome back Moreaux. Yeah, it's frustrating when I can recall stupid shit my friends said or did from years ago, but I can't remember that yoga class at the gym is at 8:30am, not 8:45, or standing in front of the refrigerator with the door wide open unable to remember what I wanted to get out of it, walking into a room unable to remember why, or the countless times I can't remember where I put my wallet/phone/keys/all of the above. It goes beyond simple flakiness.

toothpastedog said:
You'd be amazed. I won't include the actual number of grams I could go through in a matter of just a few days when I was tolerant to that stuff, but safe to say it is multiple that amount in fewer days.
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The most I ever took at once was 1,800mg and I felt like shit.
 
aihfl said:
Jesus, that's over 5,000mg a day
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I took 10 grams a day once. It has a ceiling somewhere in the 5gram range over 12 hours though I also had a mega tolerance at that point. I am under serious financial stress right now. That makes me blow my prescriptions because there already here. Im getting a haircut tomorrow and going to get a job waiting tavles for some quick cash to pay some bills off.



TPD stress makes me do drugs. Stress of any kind. Its my coping mechanism.
 
Try walking through the steps of a stressful situation, and try to be alert and realize all of your thoughts and how your mind and body react to the situation.

It can be helpful for pinning down the moment where anxiety/panic starts to boil over, etc. or for realizing when self-defeating thoughts occur.

I don't deal well with stress either and have done this a few times just to try to raise some self-awareness.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Try walking through the steps of a stressful situation, and try to be alert and realize all of your thoughts and how your mind and body react to the situation.

It can be helpful for pinning down the moment where anxiety/panic starts to boil over, etc. or for realizing when self-defeating thoughts occur.

I don't deal well with stress either and have done this a few times just to try to raise some self-awareness.
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Mindfulness advice from CH! AWESOME =D

cj said:
I took 10 grams a day once. It has a ceiling somewhere in the 5gram range over 12 hours though I also had a mega tolerance at that point. I am under serious financial stress right now. That makes me blow my prescriptions because there already here. Im getting a haircut tomorrow and going to get a job waiting tavles for some quick cash to pay some bills off.



TPD stress makes me do drugs. Stress of any kind. Its my coping mechanism.
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Fuck dude, I'm sorry to hear about that. I had a feeling that shit with the cc would end up coming back to bite you in the ass (I have had similar experiences myself ;) :\).

When you're applying for whatever job, doesn't matter what it is, think to yourself "I can do this" or something along those lines. Particularly when feelings of self doubt come into mind, go straight for that phrase and make it your mantra. It will help doing whatcha gotta do to get the job you gotta get to pay those fucking bills.
 
Yeah its not too serious financially, i mean its not good but honestly I need a job for a bunch of reasons anyway.
I had one of those days yesterday where I just needed to get high. So I bought some weed instead of getting antrying too crazy. I was kinda proud that I didn't buy more benzoate and binge like i have been doing.
 
Nice work cj. Are you concerned how it is going to play out at the your clinic if you come up on a UA dirty for cannabis metabolites?

Sounds like this experience with the cc may be the perfect motivator for finding work! I hope you are able to take advantage of the situation, I know you got it in you :)
 
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