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Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

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I'm glad to hear you're okay cj <3 what did you two work out?

Stressful I think is a bit of an understatement with what you went through today brother :\
 
It worked out because I found a pharmacy to fill the kpin script 5 days early. 2 places turned me down but Wal Mart came through suprisingly.

Yeah it was stressfull but I'm gonna try and make them last this month.
 
You know how I feel about effort, I hope you're able to find a way to work things out with your meds :)

Do think about talking to your counselor or the manager at the clinic about having them give you your daily or weekly allotment of pins (unless you get take homes it is probably better to pick your pins up with your dose each day). I know it will be a pain in the ass, but it might be what you need to get things going off right for a month or two. Either way, keep up the hard work brother!
 
Yeah its a good idea but I like havin the ability to take 3 or 4 if I'm I'm the mood. I always rationalize that shot so easy. Especially because I get benzos from other sources quite often.

To be honest I'm addicted to benzos. I'm not using them therapeutically for the most part but they do make life more fun. The methadone clinic ment well but I traded a weed habit for a legal benzos addiction. Bad outcome but it is what it is. I don't like sobriety all that much is what I am discovering. Even "sobriety" the pharmacy sells.
 
I don't mean to beat a dead horse (well, yes I do), but do please do try and remember that sobriety is first and foremost a state of mind. The trick is accessing the tools that allow us to cultivate that particular state of mind, that more mature, responsible and empowered self. And that means getting creative and finding small ways to fiddle with our time and incorporate these kinds of tools.

Yes, that was a mindful awareness plug 8) ;)

Anywhoo, I always liked Shinzen Young's concept of how we can overcome challenges (whatever the challenge!) by loving them to death :)
 
cj said:
Yeah its a good idea but I like havin the ability to take 3 or 4 if I'm I'm the mood. I always rationalize that shot so easy. Especially because I get benzos from other sources quite often.

To be honest I'm addicted to benzos. I'm not using them therapeutically for the most part but they do make life more fun. The methadone clinic ment well but I traded a weed habit for a legal benzos addiction. Bad outcome but it is what it is. I don't like sobriety all that much is what I am discovering. Even "sobriety" the pharmacy sells.
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Do you think you'll one day want to quit them? I mean, at first, opiate use seemed pretty doable for all of us, then things get worse. It's probable that your addiction will progress further to the point of worse withdrawals, and possibly seizures.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Do you think you'll one day want to quit them? I mean, at first, opiate use seemed pretty doable for all of us, then things get worse. It's probable that your addiction will progress further to the point of worse withdrawals, and possibly seizures.
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Yep. Like my old self used to say "the road to hell was paved with good intentions".

It's going to end in tears it's just a matter of how far in the future i can push those tears
 
I'm repeating the same pattern again even though I know how it's going to end. Why do I ft obtain to myself? 3 days behind in pills from where I should be
 
Do you find it impossible to catch up by taking less? Maybe you can let your mom take over for the last week so you don't run out early? Maybe give her a few back up ones for the last few days so you can have at least half a tablet a day? Something like that?

When I was using heroin, I'd give my ex-gf a single 0.1g bag out of ten of them. Obviously she would still have that one after I was done with my nine. :|

I am so glad to be done with all that.
 
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I could never control my benzo use. I would always run out. The crazy shit I said, "oh I dropped them in the toilet" blah blah, my Dr saw right through it. He never left me high and dry but insisted I collect my dose every two days from the pharmacy. This worked, though I usually took both days at once. Left up to me, I wouldn't have done it.

Sometimes it is empowering to admit defeat and put such choices out of your hands. A situation where you literally cannot take too many is ideal, great for peace of mind. You stop dreading the inevitable monthly shortfall and you can successfully taper.
 
Indeed, some people can't control their usage. I'm not trying to shame anyone or make them feel bad, but I've encountered people like this in the past, and admitting what we can and can't handle enables us to make smarter choices going forward. I realize I can't use opiates, even buprenorphine, without wanting to always use it. I just can't.

Swilow, are you off benzos now? For how long?
 
cj said:
I'm repeating the same pattern again even though I know how it's going to end. Why do I ft obtain to myself? 3 days behind in pills from where I should be
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Captain.Heroin said:
Do you find it impossible to catch up by taking less? Maybe you can let your mom take over for the last week so you don't run out early? Maybe give her a few back up ones for the last few days so you can have at least half a tablet a day? Something like that?

When I was using heroin, I'd give my ex-gf a single 0.1g bag out of ten of them. Obviously she would still have that one after I was done with my nine. :|

I am so glad to be done with all that.
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Yeah I can't taper my script very well. I would have been fucked if I didn't hsve illicit connections. I'm scared about how this is going to end. Makes me think of suicide
 
cj said:
Yeah I can't taper my script very well. I would have been fucked if I didn't hsve illicit connections. I'm scared about how this is going to end. Makes me think of suicide
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You can get through this man. Try to stay optimistic, and stay open to the idea of quitting. Getting clean often helps a lot of us feel better.
 
^Its not worth killing yourself over this, but I can relate. There are options, some painful and some less so, that you need to explore well before doing something irreversible.

Let this give you hope: I was in your position, maybe worse as any dose reduction caused seizures and blackouts, largely as I am.epileptic. I had so much trouble quitting, I was out of control, psychotic, confused, frightened, self harming... And now I'm not. I'm still a heavy drug user but I cam accept that. I'm addicted to codeine but working a good job, living in own home, family love me...

You cam quit but you need to make using drugs as difficult as possible. Cut ties with dealers, retreat for a year or however long you need, engineer q situation in which overuse is not an option.

Please do not hesitate to pm.me, I would love to offer any help I can. <3

Captain.Heroin said:
Indeed, some people can't control their usage. I'm not trying to shame anyone or make them feel bad, but I've encountered people like this in the past, and admitting what we can and can't handle enables us to make smarter choices going forward. I realize I can't use opiates, even buprenorphine, without wanting to always use it. I just can't.

Swilow, are you off benzos now? For how long?
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Yep, 6 years (I think, I've actually lost count!). Some hiccups along the way but the days of addiction hell are passed. I now cannot use benzos even a day or two before I get withdrawal. Not worth it.

I wish I could get my life back but I can indeed move forward and am/have. :)
 
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cj- alot of us repeat crazy patterns. (Hand raiised here). The ridiculous shit Im doing trying to get myself together after this over 2month fuck up w dope is really upsetting.

I actually had 8 days in I think a week and a half ago AND was feeling ok. I went to sleep and when I woke up my husband had got a bundle. Fuck!!!!!!!!!! I was like "Are you fucking serious??!!!!" And that's what has led me to this current situation-re-starting the 24hr waiting period 3x witin 7 days and finally doing it on the 4th try.

Except this time Im going through more w/d when I stop the subs. Dammit. Yeah. So Im starting day 8...again. Being clean was much better. All around. Hope you're having one of the better days <3
 
I really like swilow's idea of having to pick the script up from the pharmacy every other day. I know it's a PITA, but having that kind of external control really is necessary sometimes. I know I couldn't have tapered my methadone if not for the controls placed on my usage through the clinic, for instance. I still suggest you look into working with your clinic cj to have them monitor your benzo use. They will be much more able to help with this than your family, as you know.
 
I live in the country. The pharmacy would just call my doctor tell them I'm an addict and I would lose my script and go into withdrawal. Also I take it twice a day so there is no way I could go 2 times a day. I asked my clinic about giving it to me as swill suggested they said there licensing as a methadone cLinux pharmacy would prevent it. Alabama is still in the dark ages when it comes to this stuff.

On another topic I am going job hunting this week. If I don't find a job I'm checking into the phych ward. My mom has completely lost the plot and I would rather live in the hospital then continue with the life I live. Maybe I'll try going to a b I g city out west where there is more social programs. It's getting warmer so that's an option. I'm not worrused about death nothing could be worse then living with my crazy as mother.
 
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