I have a gram of ibogaine, and 3 grams of ibogaine TAE. However, when I microdosed the stuff (like 100mg) it awakened me to horrific memories that I have as a child. That stuff is really powerful and it scares me a bit. DMT is my favourite but for now psychedelics are on hold, I'm too unstable these days and wouldn't want to have a bad experience when every one of my many DMT trips have been phenomenal and even leaving me wanting to hit the rig an hour later haha.
Hey dude, again it's like you kind of read my mind but you may not be in highest spirits to hear this. I have found a happy medium for myself. I suffered withdrawals for a couple days after the 4 day obscene binge. I'm taking 30mg IR oxycodone (just a normal dose for my tolerance, energy and analgesia) at 8pm every night now but nothing whatsoever before and I'm actually having productive days with no withdrawals apart from some serious morning restless legs. I can ignore that stuff though, focussing on it just amplifies the symptoms and they are not too bad to be ignored at this dose. I'm reading through my favourite book (Diary of a Drug Fiend by Crowley) and flying through it today. I have restless legs and aches and pains but it the important thing is I feel that I have spirit and a soul. I don't feel that emptiness which sabotages my potential. More like a mild alcohol hangover, and I stopped smoking pot habitually, saving a couple spliffs to smoke after I take my oxy's at 8pm (it has to be that time, it is a strict rule). So, the cannabis is helping me too because when I smoke it abusively like that (chain smoking joints) I lose the ability to remember my dreams or even have them, among other negative side effects.
I feel like I have found a happy medium. I have too much going on right now, that I can't handle being completely sober but I can certainly realize through awareness that abusing opiates anymore than one decent dose at night (that allows me to sleep and eat healthy too) is just going to be detrimental right now. I'm doing a lot better than when I cold turkeyed because I have that relief to look forward to, even if it can't go on forever.
And you are right. I have more important things to deal with than drugs before I deal with the drugs, but I can't deal with those things without the drugs. So I found the middle way. I send out all of my job applications when I'm high at night, for example. I save all my most important priorities for after 8pm until I go to bed around midnight or 1.
I know what you are saying about the connection dude because what you are advising me to do, is what I am more or less doing. I'm dealing with one thing at a time and the first step is certainly not a relationship, it is a job. I'm applying to both jobs in my field and regular old part time ones. I would be happy with anything and when I get hired it will be a huge accomplishment. Thanks for the advice because you are reminding me of what my plans are, or putting them in slightly different words. I don't plan on killing myself. If I did, I wouldn't mention it to a soul. I sometimes feel that way, especially coming off that 4 days opiate binge was hell. I've been up since 6am and it's 2:30 and sure I've had cravings but I know that I just won't use until 8pm. It's kind of a taper in that sense, but I'm not lowering my dose. I need the high and the relief, at least for a few hours, and withdrawals have been very mild and bearable.
When something isn't working, I try something different. Thanks again and I do feel that connection too buddy it seems like we have been through some similar experiences or you wouldn't understand
And just an edit, I'm not using my opioids to deal with my chronic pain because they simply don't work after so many years for that. Also, when I use a drug once in a day I have a proclivity to continue to use it for the remainder of the day. If I use opiates continuously they simply stop working, the duration shortens from around 6 hours to 2 hours and withdrawals kick in hard (those suicidal ones). I cannot do that anymore. I still have my extended release pain meds cancelled because that is what escalated my tolerance without even getting me high. I'm looking for a quick hit at the end of the day, weed and oxy for 4 to 6 hours of being the most productive person I can be (and having the relief from chronic pain before I go to bed, more enjoyment out of life, and so I can practice my yoga asanas which helps with the pain, and send out really well thought out cover letters as oxy helps me concentrate). When I get pain during the day, I have a turmeric supplement I take that works really well. So far, it's working out great. Even if I am abusing my script, or it could be interpreted that way, it's my way of dealing with all the stuff going on.
You know when you smoke so much weed your eyes don't even get red anymore? No munchies or anything? Not even a shift in consciousness? And it just feels like a total waste of weed, this is even worse with oxy I find. If I use too much, I'm paying to be in more pain and not even get high, rather paying to squander my spirit. Well, when I take opioids more than once a day something similar happens (or any drug, all positive effects are lost... except maybe dmt haha). I lose the itchy/scratchy feeling, my pupils don't even get pinned, I don't get anywhere near as much pain relief, the duration of the high is a third as long, and then I just want more and blow through my supply until I don't have any more. The diminishing returns that come with any drug apply to opiates as well, and that is why I am against extended release for myself, and save my instant release pills for the end of the day. That way, when I am coming down and want more I just go to sleep and wake up in mild withdrawal that I can handle with a few cups of coffee and several health supplements, and a healthy vegetarian breakfast. The dose isn't high enough that it is soul-stealing. Needs to be 80mg daily or more for that in my case. I'm talking about being an empty shell of my former self, unable and unwilling to do anything at all, completely crippled and debilitated by depression... this isn't happening now, it's called using the drugs to my advantage and we'll see if I can handle it for the next little while. The consequences of regular use are so severe (even if I spread out that 30mg over the day, I'd be fucked), and the mild physical withdrawals don't bother me so long as I have my spirit. I'm not sitting around waiting to get high at night either - today I'm reading my book, yesterday I was out at the farm trimming dope, it's worth it for me right now to be mildly sick during the day because it keeps me from freaking out all the time and losing my shit. It's nice to feel the effects of the drug as well that I am supposed to feel, as opposed to not even detecting a shift in consciousness, rendering it completely useless to even take them unless it is to avoid withdrawal. Also, this is helping me a lot learn to deal with cravings as I have them periodically throughout the day and refuse to give in because every time I redose opiates a few times I get in that dangerous suicidal state that normally just isn't a problem at all.
