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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Yeah, the suboxone is a godsend. I took it I think the second day and it made me feel completely normal for a whole 24 hours before withdrawal started setting back in. Then, I've been suicidal the past couple days until I got ahold of a 2mg pill from a sympathetic friend. It was awful in the sense of enslavement, that my entire day was spent waiting for this pill so I could stop suffering. I was screaming at the top of my lungs since I was home alone today, until my voice was hoarse and my back really hurts from it. Cut my arm with scissors and yeah like I just simply can't handle that cold turkey depression. Especially right now, because the chances of me being with that girl I like are realistically slim at this point. It depresses me severely when I already want to kill myself for too many reasons to count and that rears its ugly head when withdrawal is at its worst.

I have a 2mg suboxone pill which should get me through until day 6... I have another couple of them too. I want to get on maintenance for a while, well I think that I need to. At least though, in the meantime before I commit to that decision I have a few of them to get me through the worst of acute withdrawals. I suffered unbearably today and yesterday, but I think that due to the 4mg I have left that I can use to slowly taper off the worst is over (I really don't need much of it, I feel like it works better at lower doses). Now there's facing the fact that I hate my life and I wish I was dead. That is the hard part, my self esteem is very low. My girl wasn't understanding she was kinda self conscious and didn't think she was good looking enough for me and I was like WTF I am such an ugly loser (I'm not, but I think I am) so socially retarded I've had just one other girlfriend and I'm 29 and this girl was actually was wonderful to be around. My other relationship was, well I learned a lot from it but it wasn't romantic like this. A lovely woman and it hurts like hell to know that I ruined that. It makes me contemplate suicide, because I'm such a fucking stupid fuck of a dumbass to ruin that over this disgusting shit. I'm not sick anymore after taking the sub, but I know that if I go up to the cabin for thanksgiving I'm going to be very tempted to jump off the very high cliffs there into the shallow creek. I've been thinking about it so much I think I'll just stay here, but then I think of hanging myself from the rafters, or straight up overdosing the fuck out of myself. I've always been miserable but at least I had some really amazing times with her and that was the happiest time of my life. I can't face my mistakes and that I'm a loser with jack shit left but a roof under my head to foster mental illness under while I am physically tortured here to the point that I'm honestly just insane at this point.

I feel like how much I have suffered has made me an evil man. I really do, I'm not really down with humans anymore. I find a lot of solace knowing this won't last forever, that life is impermanent and transient. When I was with her, I was worried that the time was passing too quickly. I can't deal with what happened she broke my heart like I know it's my fault but still. I'm not interested in anyone else so I'm going to return to the life of abstinence that I had before. No more kinky sex for me. It's just a decision I've made, I liked her so much that I never want to be with anyone else. This isn't really a "love yourself more" thing - I hate that bullshit. It's that we were really right for each other and I think I completely ruined that and I can't live with myself knowing that. Sure it could be worse but she was a really great thing that happened to me, but I wish it never happened now because I can't get her out of my mind. It really makes me want to use and finish myself off. I no longer believe in love and I can't live without romantic love well I do not want to. I'm imbalanced I like to have someone where we balance each other out. It is my favourite part about life. I waited ten years for her to come along and ruined it with a bottle of percocets from the god damned pharmacy.
 
Shroomy,
Remember what I told you about your mind making things appear to be more than they are?
Your brain has been effected and changed due to opiate use. Your mind will try to convince you in every way possible that you need this stuff to live. Your mind will try to convince you that no one will ever understand or forgive and forget.
You will be surprised how people will come around once you get a grip and get some stability.
You will be surprised how much better you feel and how much easier it is to cope with your life once you decide to stop living this way.
You are not insane. You are right that you are WAY off balance. It is fixable. These horrific feelings will go away.

You need to think real hard about this. Focus only on your health right now. All else will fall into place once that is balanced.
Be completely honest with yourself. These acute withdrawals will not last forever but can you make it through them safely?
Then you have the post acute withdrawal and repair of your brain that lasts for ? IDK.
Make a decision. It is better to move to maintaining with suboxone rather than keeping up this terrible cycle.
 
My decision with opiates has been 100% percent made. I will never use that shit again and I will only use the couple more 2mg sub pills I have left. Because, I want to experience this extreme rage and hatred for what it is. My entire life has been leading up to me experiencing extreme negative emotions, so strong that all I can do is hate. I know my days are numbered, and don't give a fuck. I'm not deciding whether I want to be clean or not. I already am in my mind. I can think with great clarity. I'm deciding if it's worth continuing to live, and how I would go about things if it wasn't.
 
Thanks for the song track Painful One. I like more hardcore type music with lots of screaming and stuff. Post-hardcore and metalcore and I think it's known as but I don't pay much attention to that. I draw the line at cannabal corpse though, lol. Almost like extremely aggressive, heavier sounding emo is how I'd describe it and what I play. My favourite band right now is Architects. I was going to see them earlier this year, and had everything planned out even a bus ticket and I ended up missing the show because I was H sick and there was no way in hell I could have made it out of my place.

I'm going to a hardcore music concert tonight so that's why music is on my mind. I got just one ticket for myself of course because I am a lonely loser and I'll just stand there depressed, but see two of my favourite band at least. I have suboxone today so I am able-bodied to attend the show. I have one more suboxone and then I'll be through with those.
 
I left that song for you because of the MESSAGE it contains. Though I do love Rock music too!
I hope you listened to it.
I understand you are angry and full of pain. I know.
Glad to hear you are going to a concert tonight. A good angry hardcore type music will be therapeutic for you right now.
You should have music on your mind much more!
I'm leaving the lyrics here for your consideration.

Lonely-no one searchin' for you
So lost now-deep inside your mind
And you feel like-there's no one there to find you
Oh, what'cha gonna do if your whole world's dying-whoa
Where ya gonna run if you're inside hiding-whoa, whoa
You gotta let go
Feel the thunder-see the light
You've got the power-just start to fight

Let it all come down
All the tears and pain
Open up-come in
From the rain-from the rain-from the rain-from the rain

Your eyes-long to tell the story
Of the secrets-wrapped in your disguise
Ooh, and it's so hard-to reach out from inside you
But what'cha gonna do if you don't start trying-whoa, whoa
How ya gonna live, when you feel like dying-whoa, whoa
You gotta let go
Of the thunder-and the light
You've got the power-stand up and fight

Let it all come down
All the tears and pain
Open up-come in
From the rain
When it all comes down
Throw your fears away
Open up-open up
There's another life inside you
Can't you hear it call your name
 
Lost Vet, I think you should go get it on with your wife!
Celebrate!
I bet it is going to feel so good after being numb for so long!
Plus it gets endorphins going and will make you feel better and well, we are horny fuckers the whole lot of us here! Lol!
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Painful,

That made me laugh harder than I have in a long time. I appreciate it! Maybe I'll try your advice.

Thanks to all of you, I am five days clean and doing well. It is possible. Its also very illuminating when people come up and say "Thank God you're back!" At first you get this dumb look on your face then after it happens a few times you start to get it. You've been asleep for ten years. I'll never get those years back but I'll work to make them up. I've already told me wife I thank God for her daily that she didn't split and how much I adore her over and over.

Lessons Learned:

1. I'm not done yet. I have a long way to go. But, from this date forward I will always keep my eye on the prize, what's most important in life is not for me to be stoned, even on prescription drugs.
2. Do not fully trust doctors. When it comes to prescribing meds, some want to help you so much they go past all norms to make you happy. At the height of my problems, I was getting four 100Mcg boxes of Fentanyl patches, ninety 80Mg Oxycontins and 60 Somas, each month. I would be out of everything before the end of the month. All this for a back issue that was partially solved by surgery.
3. Pain clinics want you to hurt for the cause. For two weeks I got 3-4 hours sleep per night. I called them twice a day for ten days, and finally got a call back on this past Friday saying they would see what they could do. They never called back. The last two nights, laying awake at 3:00 am, I plotted how to kill myself without my family finding me. On Monday morning, I realized how much trouble I was in. I went to an old primary care doc I had used once who is smart on everything. He gave me two meds, neither controlled: one is Clonidine and something else to help me sleep and last night I slept 12 hours. This morning I was a new man ready to tackle anything. According to research I've done, pain clinics in general are about 46% successful. Now I know why. I can't comment on them all but the one I used was absolutely useless in their aftercare. There was none! I have an appointment with these fuckers next month and they may need the police to remove me before I'm done. I can't tell you how pissed off I am. There is absolutely no reason for a person to suffer and get as far down as me. One more night and I'd be dead. My brain was that screwed up from lack of sleep. Don't they know? What the hell?
4. I wouldn't have made it without support, especially with my fellow Bluelighters. I used to sit up at night when I couldn't sleep just reading, re-reading, and trying to digest what I was reading. For all the people who helped me, and I would like to name all of you but instead, just read through this thread and you'll see yourselves in my life. You have my unfettered love and support from the best part of my heart for the rest of my clean life. You all are wonderful.
5. I'll be back. I did it and I'm no one special. So that means you can too! Hang tough!

LV
 
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Awesome LV! I am glad you had a good, hardy laugh over it. :)
Laughter is the best medicine. I noticed that laughter actually helps to make you feel a whole lot better when going through the withdrawals. It helps your brain to recover very quickly. We all need to keep laughing. Even if we are crying at the same time.
I'm so very proud of you LV. Wow that is a lot of medication you were on and have kicked. You are truly a badass!
Coming off those fentanyl patches is utter hell. Keep up the excellent work.

I hope everyone is doing well today. Keep up the fight my friends. Don't worry about little fall backs and bumps in the road.
Everything will straighten itself out. Just give things a bit of time. Show yourselves some compassion and love.
Sending everyone lots of support and best wishes.
 
I tried to read everyone's posts, but I admit I missed a lot so I skimmed a little....

Hang in there Shroomi. This dance we keep doing is one day of heaven and one day of hell. Somehow the 'heaven' feels like the drugs are the solution, but the 'hell' makes death seem like the only good choice.

I did it again this month. Almost ran out at the end of the month, then used almost double my script for 2 days when I got the new one. Had to beg and borrow to mot die on the last week, and I'm already setting myself up to be out of pills at thd end of this month.
My lack of willpower will be the end of me.
 
I keep having the same problem Squeaky. It seems no matter how hard I try that I am always a day or two short on my pain medication for the month. What I have been doing this month to try and ensure that I don't have to go without; is to bite little tiny bits and pieces off from my daily dose and put them in another bottle and have my mom save them for me.

I was three and a half pills short just a few days ago and now I am only two and a half pills short. I have until the 25th of the month to save up two and a half pills from little bits and pieces. It is working though. If I start to feel it then I use my normal dosage that day. It seems like every other day I can save a half of a half without it effecting me.

Just an idea for you and for anyone else struggling with this problem. The opiate withdrawal on top of severe chronic pain is just too much for me. The severe chronic pain is so hard to manage just by itself. I'm so disabled from injury that I hardly have a "life".
 
Physically, I am feeling much better as it has been a full week without opiates. Mentally, I am realizing that my problems can be solved through hard work. I even applied for a job in my field today, something I hadn't done all year. I also drove out to a buddies farm for a wake and bake. I will never forgive myself for some of the losses I have endured by taking this shit every day for several years. I don't even know why I do this either way because the benzos have completely fucked me as well. I can handle chronic pain but I cannot handle hardcore panic attacks.

Painful one, I knew you meant the lyrics I wasn't in a position to read, sorry. I can only really write at the moment since I can't focus very well most of the time. Plus I am trying to block that heartbreak out of my mind for the time being but I can't stop thinking about that special girl. It sucks how these drugs can very quickly tear the best of relationships apart with a relapse or two. For myself, I had 3 chances, three stupid relapses, all on prescription days. I wasn't tempted by heroin at all but when I realized I could get a cheap 1.5 grams of oxy or so from the pharmacy, I blew through it before I even knew what was going on. I can't take my meds as prescribed and I will never be able to. They just feel way too good at first and quickly ruin everything I have going for me and leave me a soulless zombie for at least a week.

Squeaky, I am hanging in there. I am mainly depressed over a girl and it is being exacerbated by the withdrawal and that is the worst part for me, despite the horrid physical symptoms I can't help but think of where I would be if I hadn't picked up my last 3 prescriptions. I saw her as my future wife so it sucks but there is always a little hope. I haven't done heroin since late June apart from a little over a week ago I binged on it then quit. I no longer am back and forth about the pain meds. After losing her, I despise them and not taking them again shouldn't be a problem. I'll statistically chronically relapse until I drive myself insane which has pretty much already happened, and this is really the last straw, my last chance to have a normal life.

With cold turkey I saw a very slight improvement on Day 6, and a major improvement on Day 7. I still feel like garbage, but I actually applied for a job today. I'm going to aim to do one good job application a day during withdrawal since it's so hard to concentrate and I don't really know if I want an interview right now. What am I waiting for though, I have to get used to feeling like shit again. I believe personally that I am pretty much almost back to my pre-addiction state, but I have been traumatized by this experience and it may take years to recover emotionally. I'm sure that by the end of this next week, I'll be feeling relatively great. Just the fact that I'm not writhing in bed feeling like I'm being burnt alive is good progress even if I still feel like complete shit. I am full of hatred, anger, and regret. Mental illness doesn't help I've been screaming and trashing shit but generally I'm okay. Turmeric is really helping out my back pain.
 
P0kemama said:
Herbavore:I really like the idea of tapering, vs cold turkey. As I do study Buddhism, along with other spiritual beliefs I think "following the middle way" gives me the best chance for success. I will suffer less pain and suffer less or minimal withdrawal pains that would occur with the all or nothing cold turkey approach. Just my own opinion... I respect those who choose other methods of managing their medications.
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You forgot that there is also quiting could turkey with other drugs/medication. It's more risky approach to quitting opioids, but for some people who just can't handle the opioid WD's it's the only way. For poly-drug users it's impossibl to to use this method. But I'm single drug user, when I used opioids I didn't use anything else, wasn't speedballing or taking pregabalin or benzos to boost the effects of opiodis, I know lots of people do that and end up to be addicted to benzos and pregabaling, and also lot of people also use lots of amphetamines when addicted to opioids. Good for me I didn't use any of them, so now I have used next drugs to take the WD's away, GBL, pregabalin, gabapentin, amphetamine, methamphetamine, benzos and alcohol. Used GBL for 10 days daily from morning to night, but good that it finished, didn't get any wd's from that, after that have used mainly amphetamines, some days pregabalin, so this way I won't get addicted to pregabalin, but using amphetamines for week is really training. For one I've always come out of it in no much problem. There is something in amphetamines that I can just stop them when needed.

Buddhism has answer for everything, you can find the way for drug addiction too. I'm too weak right now to practice it, I just do what I need to do.
 
Today was great! Day 8 and a massive improvement, honestly felt like my old self for half the day. I was out walking trails and neighbourhoods for at least 10km and I noticed that I never really pay attention to my surroundings when I'm high. I was looking at all the houses and thinking of the ones that I like. I also found my new meditation tree where I go and sit cross legged in the center of to smoke weed. This makes smoking weed have more of a purpose for me, because the meditation aspect is so enhanced by being in nature under a weird tree. I went through memories from university that I heavily regret, since I feel like I wasted my time miserable there, and wondered why I still care. It's a short branched, bushy thing that blooms these beautiful dark red buds. I wonder if you can smoke that shit.

I ate a whole pumpkin pie, and two protein bars. That's all I've been able to stomach but it's a start. I added a high quality fish oil, and ginger tablets to my repertoire. I am recovering really fast, but the fiending is slowly rearing its head. The cravings. Exclusively for H, oxy's are nothing to me anymore. I'm recovering really fast and now that I can get exercise (I worked my way into a sweat speed walking, I think it will help detox), keep hydrated (lots of coconut water), and eat healthy I should bounce back with a vengeance. Of course I still have a long way to go but if I can survive that week of HELL I can do anything... other than use dope in any moderate way whatsoever. That is out of the question. I am still statistically going to relapse and die (with my tolerance getting that high, overdose risk increases dramatically) and it will be a lifelong struggle but at least I had a decent day.
 
I don't understand it. I can sleep just fine in cold turkey withdrawal, which is weird I know. It's like the one thing I can still do at least for a few hours.

When I start feeling better, I get drug cravings for heroin. I don't get those in acute withdrawal. All I can think about sometimes is railing lines and how fucking good it feels at first.

Yesterday I seriously felt 100%. Today I do not feel that way at all... I feel like I exhausted myself yesterday. I walked around 10km and spent most of the day outside roaming trails and smoking weed. I was able to work up an appetite even.

But now, I know from last year when it was oxy's, that I begin to be unable to sleep AT ALL at this point. I don't know what the fuck to do, I take melatonin, valerian, and benzos and I still can't sleep for the life of me. Also, this is when the extreme anxiety / panic attacks I originally had come back with a vengeance. I can deal with the chronic pain I can manage it I'm not worried about that. But last time I attempted to stop, 3 months later I snapped because I couldn't sleep for days on end and I was having constant panic attacks. It would suck to go through that week of fucking hell, the worst week of my whole entire life, to relapse over insomnia and have to do it all over again, or just give up. The worst part is I find it hard not to take extra benzos.

Signed up for drug counselling.
 
ShroomySatori said:
I don't understand it. I can sleep just fine in cold turkey withdrawal, which is weird I know. It's like the one thing I can still do at least for a few hours.

When I start feeling better, I get drug cravings for heroin. I don't get those in acute withdrawal. All I can think about sometimes is railing lines and how fucking good it feels at first.

Yesterday I seriously felt 100%. Today I do not feel that way at all... I feel like I exhausted myself yesterday. I walked around 10km and spent most of the day outside roaming trails and smoking weed. I was able to work up an appetite even.

But now, I know from last year when it was oxy's, that I begin to be unable to sleep AT ALL at this point. I don't know what the fuck to do, I take melatonin, valerian, and benzos and I still can't sleep for the life of me. Also, this is when the extreme anxiety / panic attacks I originally had come back with a vengeance. I can deal with the chronic pain I can manage it I'm not worried about that. But last time I attempted to stop, 3 months later I snapped because I couldn't sleep for days on end and I was having constant panic attacks. It would suck to go through that week of fucking hell, the worst week of my whole entire life, to relapse over insomnia and have to do it all over again, or just give up. The worst part is I find it hard not to take extra benzos.

Signed up for drug counselling.
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I never really have had any opioid craving, which is strange as I've been using them for 10 years last 3 years addicted. Returned to it just because my life felt like that, not because I had craving to them. In the other hand I do get craving for stimulants, but these are drugs I've been using without causing much problems. Yes it hard to resist new line while high is decreasing, but two days after it I have no problem saying no to it, strangely only when watching porn I get the amphetamine craving not in any other time, because I think how much longer and more intense would it be with stimulants, better to avoid porn in future. I have to say strongest cravings any drug has given me is nicotine, if I run out of cigs I get strong craving to them and have strong need to get them.

For me its 6th week after quitting and still have serious WD's (poppies WD) at least had about 4-5 days back when was totally out of any medicine or drugs, my body was sweeting hardcore, felt very weak, didn't have any appetite to eat, couldn't sleep without meds, felt totally depressed, was feeling terrible in both body and mind, can't tell now if I still have them because I have used pregabalin and speed, which takes most of the WD's off. Going to take speed for 2 more days after that going back to pergabalin for 3 days then I try how it's feels when totally sober.
 
My craving to smoke cannabis is stronger than any cravings I've ever had for opiates (when not dope sick of course). I smoke weed compulsively these days, around 20 joints a day and if I don't I definitely get mad cravings. I'm not thinking about opiates much, I'm thinking about how to recover now that I'm not sick anymore. Just fantasizing about heroin a little but I just have to remind myself of the hell I just went through that I have been through over and over again. How worn out I am from that shit. I only wanted to stay well when I was using; I craved not being sick. Now that I'm not sick, I don't care, but my mental illness could be the end of me since it comes back strong and hard. The entire point of opiates was to stay out of withdrawal. I've just noticed that thoughts of sniffing lines of heroin are running through my mind, it's like a warning sign for cravings to come.

Last time I lasted 3 months into a taper. I freaked out due to chronic insomnia and panic attacks. I didn't want to go back at all, it didn't even have anything to do with my chronic back pain. Although, not sleeping and panicking all the time was exacerbating my pain to the point that I was pretty much bedridden. I felt so defeated, so this time I am seeking more help through supplements, exercise, healthy eating, socializing, and drug counselling + whatever they have to offer.

I am doing well. I just really don't want to see myself start abusing benzos because I can't handle it. If I do that, the shit's gonna kill me. I can't really crave a pill because it's just a pill but for me heroin it's like the taste of it and smell and appearance and how it comes on when I sniff it over 15 minutes. It's kind of like cocaine in that way, how people go crazy for the drip and numb and stuff. Cravings are not my biggest worry. Cracking under pressure is. Good luck to you!

I feel so much better physically at day 9 c/t but it was absolute hell to get to where I am. I'm beginning to be able to eat pretty normally.
 
ShroomySatori said:
My craving to smoke cannabis is stronger than any cravings I've ever had for opiates (when not dope sick of course). I smoke weed compulsively these days, around 20 joints a day and if I don't I definitely get mad cravings. I'm not thinking about opiates much, I'm thinking about how to recover now that I'm not sick anymore. Just fantasizing about heroin a little but I just have to remind myself of the hell I just went through that I have been through over and over again. How worn out I am from that shit. I only wanted to stay well when I was using; I craved not being sick. Now that I'm not sick, I don't care, but my mental illness could be the end of me since it comes back strong and hard. The entire point of opiates was to stay out of withdrawal. I've just noticed that thoughts of sniffing lines of heroin are running through my mind, it's like a warning sign for cravings to come.

Last time I lasted 3 months into a taper. I freaked out due to chronic insomnia and panic attacks. I didn't want to go back at all, it didn't even have anything to do with my chronic back pain. Although, not sleeping and panicking all the time was exacerbating my pain to the point that I was pretty much bedridden. I felt so defeated, so this time I am seeking more help through supplements, exercise, healthy eating, socializing, and drug counselling + whatever they have to offer.

I am doing well. I just really don't want to see myself start abusing benzos because I can't handle it. If I do that, the shit's gonna kill me. I can't really crave a pill because it's just a pill but for me heroin it's like the taste of it and smell and appearance and how it comes on when I sniff it over 15 minutes. It's kind of like cocaine in that way, how people go crazy for the drip and numb and stuff. Cravings are not my biggest worry. Cracking under pressure is. Good luck to you!

I feel so much better physically at day 9 c/t but it was absolute hell to get to where I am. I'm beginning to be able to eat pretty normally.
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Thanks for you too, hope you the best! You are strong person to went through WD's could turkey I never could do it at least when they last this long, I've gone could turkey only on tramadol and that wasn't that bad. For some people drug counsellings might be the thing, I never found any help from it personally. Buddhism is more useful in that regard I think.
 
I'm already enlightened, it's not helping my situation : p I'll still seize out if I don't take a benzo for a day. I do study eastern religions and compare them with theoretical physics that I studied. And then sabotaged all my potential. Yep I am very tough but there is only so much a man can take.

Councelling is something I never really gave a chance, and I don't need anything more than that right now. Too stressed. If I keep relapsing, I'll have to accept ORT or something more serious. Buddhism is my favourite religion. I found a tree that looks like the tree Buddha would have sat under, and it's like a ten minute walk away in the middle of an empty field. So I go and smoke pot there, and that helps me sort my thoughts out. I don't really understand why I live with so much anger, hatred, regret, shame, panic and fear. I'm rarely ever happy but when I am it can be really nice. This summer I was happy. Happiest time of my life actually.
 
ShroomySatori said:
I'm already enlightened, it's not helping my situation : p I'll still seize out if I don't take a benzo for a day. I do study eastern religions and compare them with theoretical physics that I studied. And then sabotaged all my potential. Yep I am very tough but there is only so much a man can take.

Councelling is something I never really gave a chance, and I don't need anything more than that right now. Too stressed. If I keep relapsing, I'll have to accept ORT or something more serious. Buddhism is my favourite religion. I found a tree that looks like the tree Buddha would have sat under, and it's like a ten minute walk away in the middle of an empty field. So I go and smoke pot there, and that helps me sort my thoughts out. I don't really understand why I live with so much anger, hatred, regret, shame, panic and fear. I'm rarely ever happy but when I am it can be really nice. This summer I was happy. Happiest time of my life actually.
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Yes I know those emotions too well, I too feel them too often (expect panic, which I never had a problem, but anxiety yes). I can remember happy times in my life, but I sabotaged myself not to have these anymore.

Wish pot worked like that on me too, but I did get too many anxiety attacks when I smoked and worse was when I smoked when on speed, instant psychosis. So I quit smoking it, can't even remember how it feels as its been over 7 years when I last smoked cannabis. Maybe it works ok now, can't know, would be better option than using amphetamine, or gabaenercetics. Should be some strong indica then, not sativa that makes you're mind too active.
 
Today was wonderful. I feasted, and then I studied physics. Physics is my thing when I'm not a junkie. So I read chapter 36 of the feynman lectures on physics volume 1, and it completely blew my mind. It's nice to be smart again, I was reading about the mechanisms of sight. I am going to become a workaholic. It's the only way once the physical shit stops, I am almost manic with energy and I want to keep it up. I want to learn constantly and keep healthy and those pills make me fucking retarded. I'm going to pick up a second language as well. I never would have understood what I did today if I was high... well, not including weed or clonazepam I guess. Oxy's and heroin make me stupid as fuck when I'm using them, I can't do advanced math or even pay attention to my surroundings. Today marks 9 days clean so that is pretty good, I'm not thinking about opiates at all. Just gotta avoid those devil pharmacies, that's my only drug source.
 
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