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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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I think your day sounds nice. You will be back to school soon enough.

What trade are you in DJ? Pm me if it's too personal.

I'm existing right now, surviving, it's a scary time right now. If you're a pain patient in the US or Canada you're public enemy no 1.

Just like squeaky said, each time we go for our refills, we are worried that this will be the time we are cut off. For someone in chronic pain, that would mean our quality of life would be taken from us. Let's hope things turn around at some point here. Too many people struggling and in fear.


I hope you enjoy your day at home dj. You sound like you're doing really well in all aspects, and you have so much going for you, so I hope you're proud of yourself.

Much love to you,
your friend,
here for you anytime,
Ash.
I'm currently 'learning' to operate heavy equipment (front end loaders, bulldozers, excavators, etc.) I say 'learning' because I already know how to operate the important equipment in my field of work, this is just making it official.

I'm also a certified powerline technician (only 2nd year, you need 4 years to be a journeyman) so now I'll be dual certified.

All in all it wasn't too bad a day I guess. It's only been as hard as I made it on myself really. I really should be proud of myself so thank you for that ash.
 
Thank you.

This is one of the days when I am not feeling down. I am unproductive and it's going to catch up with me like always but for today it is okay. I am baked on purple kush, one of my favourite strains and a real nice grow of it and I have a decent amount so I'm going to be stoned for a while. I cleaned my bong so it looks brand new and the kush combined with the crisp cold outdoor air is real nice.Been smoking a lot, due for another rip in fact. It's been like 20 minutes. I have been sleeping and waking up and sleeping again for a long while, I'm not sure how long. To the point of confusion. Swear it must be 18 hours but nobody noticed I was asleep for that long or anything I'm isolated. Was popping a lot of xans, on time at least but doses higher than I need not to have a panic attack.

But it's still early in the afternoon and I just had my first two cups of coffee I've had in a few days. I find it to be a pleasant euphoric stimulant and it goes well w with kush, the flavours pair too like hash and coffee too.I'd prefer espresso but I still have a good dark roast I'd prefer blonde over dark too. Since, I still find myself completely demotivated. What I need to do to move forward in life really isn't that hard compared to like the intense school and stuff from before Just have some stuff to work through I guess but I could do that while working I don't have the initiative I used to I don't feel like myself anymore. This isn't me, I'm not a jerk like this either to people ever. I don't understand. The stress has been building up over so many years it's like a couple of friends have noticed and showed that they care or see what is going on sort of like catching a glimpse but it's like why does anyone suddenly care when I've been doing this every day for 6 years now. Since my first xanax I quit binge drinking and alcohol in general completely but I have never gone a day without a benzo since I started using them. It's insane but really my tolerance could be worse. I think the etizolam was making it seem a lot worse than it is. I still have a very high tolerance though I wish there was a way to reset it somehow.
Unfortunately ime tolerance doesn't ever reset. Would be grand if it did and 5mg of oxy still had me puking and nodding my as off though! Those were the good ol days lol.

Ur doing alright shroomi, ur still alive and kicking and the main thing is ur trying. so far I've found benzos harder to quit that tobacco, opioids, alcohol and cocaine. It's a devils drug man it really is. Thing is ur like me I figure. Nobody realizes what's going on with u and if ur like me u don't care to tell anyone.

And I personally prefer a black dark roast coffee myself. I'm all about strong, full flavours. Hence why I love rothmans cigarettes, h. Upmann cigars, neat whiskey and black coffee.

Damn I would kill for a fat H. Upmann no.2 and a bottle of 18yo scotch right now.
 
Tolerance temporarily resets or they wouldn't be so many deaths, even after a few weeks. After this long, I can catch a buzz off 100mg codeine and pain relief too. Yeah though I used to cut my percs in half, 5mg oxy was too much at first. I have never in my life been nauseous from an opiate though, I don't get that side effect. The thing with tolerance is that within one or two uses, it is back to where it was say years ago when you last used. This is most def true because I had some close calls relapsing on doses that used to be normal. To be honest I wish one of them had killed me. It would be a peaceful death. I had no idea what was going on at the time I was so fucked up, and I don't want to know. I want to wipe the slate clean before entering the journey from death and rebirth.

Yeah I'm inherently shy and introverted and that doesn't help and I found it so easy to get away with using both of these drugs habitually while functioning in society. Well, I was using them to self medicate and still do for extreme anxiety so everyone just thought I was happy and they were glad to see me show up for stuff. I was generally more pleasant to be around, and never had issues nodding I had a solid supply and used a milligram scale so I was care not to nod off which eventually happened and I still talked my way out of it because I guess they don't want to suspect or believe. And yeah I feel like I am an expert at this topic of benzo abuse, am aware of all the options, already know from past experience that the medical system in this country is fucking retarded, and I'm not about to put my life in anybody's hands but my own. At least that way if I go out it won't be in some stupid hospital due to doctor negligence. The xanax is treating my panic disorder really well anyway, I'm sleeping better and beginning to think about leaving home more than once a week.

Yeah I drink my tea and coffee black almost always. I started on the coffee hard in post-acute withdrawal and never had a habit of it before, I am pretty much addicted now and haven't figured out the difference between dark and blonde roast yet. I think I prefer the milder tone of the blonde roast like all I used to drink was tea but it wasn't strong enough I find the coffee helps with the depression.

I'm baked on the purple kush been smoking it all day watching tv and took some bars, at least I cooked myself one healthy meal that is rare these days. I hope that the heroin addiction is still fucking my head up after 10.5 months of stopping all opiates. That would give me some hope but tbh I think there is a point of no return. I was really, really high for years on end to no avail. Money wasn't a problem back then and I was high on opiates and a functional addict (was never into nodding, bit lower doses) 24/7. It's hard not to think about it when there has been no improvement after so long but then again I've always been a loser in life. It's just going back to the piece of shit that is me I can't expect miracles I'm probably a lot dumber than I used to be, even. Ugier too, probably.
 
Tolerance temporarily resets or they wouldn't be so many deaths, even after a few weeks. After this long, I can catch a buzz off 100mg codeine and pain relief too. Yeah though I used to cut my percs in half, 5mg oxy was too much at first. I have never in my life been nauseous from an opiate though, I don't get that side effect. The thing with tolerance is that within one or two uses, it is back to where it was say years ago when you last used. This is most def true because I had some close calls relapsing on doses that used to be normal. To be honest I wish one of them had killed me. It would be a peaceful death. I had no idea what was going on at the time I was so fucked up, and I don't want to know. I want to wipe the slate clean before entering the journey from death and rebirth.

Yeah I'm inherently shy and introverted and that doesn't help and I found it so easy to get away with using both of these drugs habitually while functioning in society. Well, I was using them to self medicate and still do for extreme anxiety so everyone just thought I was happy and they were glad to see me show up for stuff. I was generally more pleasant to be around, and never had issues nodding I had a solid supply and used a milligram scale so I was care not to nod off which eventually happened and I still talked my way out of it because I guess they don't want to suspect or believe. And yeah I feel like I am an expert at this topic of benzo abuse, am aware of all the options, already know from past experience that the medical system in this country is fucking retarded, and I'm not about to put my life in anybody's hands but my own. At least that way if I go out it won't be in some stupid hospital due to doctor negligence. The xanax is treating my panic disorder really well anyway, I'm sleeping better and beginning to think about leaving home more than once a week.

Yeah I drink my tea and coffee black almost always. I started on the coffee hard in post-acute withdrawal and never had a habit of it before, I am pretty much addicted now and haven't figured out the difference between dark and blonde roast yet. I think I prefer the milder tone of the blonde roast like all I used to drink was tea but it wasn't strong enough I find the coffee helps with the depression.

I'm baked on the purple kush been smoking it all day watching tv and took some bars, at least I cooked myself one healthy meal that is rare these days. I hope that the heroin addiction is still fucking my head up after 10.5 months of stopping all opiates. That would give me some hope but tbh I think there is a point of no return. I was really, really high for years on end to no avail. Money wasn't a problem back then and I was high on opiates and a functional addict (was never into nodding, bit lower doses) 24/7. It's hard not to think about it when there has been no improvement after so long but then again I've always been a loser in life. It's just going back to the piece of shit that is me I can't expect miracles I'm probably a lot dumber than I used to be, even. Ugier too, probably.
Yeah I share every single sentiment with you there shroomi. My body and mind deteriorated so fast after years of pumping them full of alcohol and drugs. Funny thing with me is when I take opioids I'm wired, energetic, I actually smile, people thing something's wrong with me because my permanent scowl is broken. No joke, I've had people ask me what was wrong with me because I was talking and laughing and smiling. I'm so unhappy that when I actually do appear happy, people who know me assume something's wrong. And people who really know me just know that I'm on opioids.

I feel my body and mind will never recover from the stress that drowning in a bottle has put on it. *sigh* time to pour out another one I guess.

Note to self: Jim beam is fuckin nasty. Next time spend the extra 5 bucks and get a bottle of Jameson.
 
I've had serious issues functioning in society for most of my life. It seems that ever since I took my first opiate I am unable to be myself without them. I'm just not the same person anymore. Weed isn't enough or I wouldn't smoke through it so fast. Other drugs bore me. Life bores me and I can't find a way to enjoy it. When I do H it is smooth sailing until I run out. At least I enjoy life some of the time. It feels like I will never be happy again and being depressed to begin with for so long doesn't make it seem all that hopeful. I want this meaningless torture to end. Even if I had the life I had in mind, at this point I'd be too fucked up to get much out of it other than a fix. I just don't enjoy things like I used to.
 
I've had serious issues functioning in society for most of my life. It seems that ever since I took my first opiate I am unable to be myself without them. I'm just not the same person anymore. Weed isn't enough or I wouldn't smoke through it so fast. Other drugs bore me. Life bores me and I can't find a way to enjoy it. When I do H it is smooth sailing until I run out. At least I enjoy life some of the time. It feels like I will never be happy again and being depressed to begin with for so long doesn't make it seem all that hopeful. I want this meaningless torture to end. Even if I had the life I had in mind, at this point I'd be too fucked up to get much out of it other than a fix. I just don't enjoy things like I used to.
I'm the same way. I don't do other drugs anymore because it just seems pointless. Even weed is just not enjoyable for me anymore. My brain has been rewired ever since I was introduced to my first opioid (OxyContin back when I was 15). It was like falling in love. I remember doing a fat line, maybe 10 or 15 mg, and just lying back on my buddies floor with a big shit eating grin on my face that wouldn't go away.

Thing is opioids are a panacea for me. When I'm on opioids I'm not depressed, anxious, in pain, I'm just right if that makes any sense. It's like something that was missing my whole life that I didn't know was missing.

Then when I was working in the oil & gas industry I got introduced to heroin by a friend and it was like the first time I took oxy all over again, only better. Plus that's around the time my chronic pain started to get bad enough to really notice and interfere wit my day. God I miss heroin.

Edit: ash, today is much better than yesterday. Only drank enough whiskey to help me sleep and woke up feeling recharged for once.
 
This has to be post-acute withdrawal and probably still some acute withdrawal... right? My habit was severe in hindsight it was a lot worse like I tend to brush it off. It has to still be affecting me it isn't just the benzos I've been abusing those forever and I've never been like this. I know benzo side effects I'm generally dumber, more emotionless, get worse sleep, etc. in exchange for a lack of panic attacks which I was having several times daily for over a year and starting to turn to booze so it wasn't a bad choice to go on them. I just don't think that is what is going on here. I possibly need or want a higher dose of them to cope with some of the symptoms which isn't a good idea. And I started those before opiates this is something different this is like actually wishing I was dead. This is being so far gone that I do not recognize the significance of my own death hardly at all. I get that people would be sad and all but I've lost the ability to feel happiness so why would they. It's a shame that my life was a failure I had so much damn potential and still do. It is infuriating. I cannot get anywhere and ever since this injury I was already having a tough time but doing well I was coping and then this fucking injury tore my life to shreds. I at least want the dope back at least I was happy some of the time. There is little difference between mere anhedonia and hardcore dope sickness to me. It's not like I'm taking care of myself anymore anyway, my sleep schedule is non existent and I eat one meal a day not 3. The real difference is that I no longer seem to care well I care a lot but it's like I see there is such little hope it isn't worth suffering over.
I stilll sleep 5 hours a night max. I have been depressed all my life but never like this. It has been almost a year you begin to think it isn't related but it is. That stuff still haunts me there is absolutely no way I could recover from being like that for 6 years in 10 months. I just miss the days when I woke up and sprung out of bed and was actually happy even if my life wasn't what I wanted to be I had a bag of weed I was at least okay I could dope with it.
The fucking emptiness this anhedonia. I can't feel good from anything like it's hard for me to be fond of memories like I used to. I dwell on memories a lot but I'm too far gone to really enjoy looking back at happier times of my life. I no longer feel human but rather lost somewhere between life and death, in a twilight zone. I can't think, I lost my intelligence. I lost my spirit and zest for life. There is no longer any point. The fuck does it have to end this way I have so much potential. I know why I was so attracted to drugs so yeah it's just me I am meant to die young. I did a lot of shit for a long time and it caught up with me but the benzos were the one thing. The thing that got me in the end. To be honest it's about time. A little overdue.
 
Yes, definitely better to have your red seal DJ. That's great.

Now if only you were receiving proper pain management. Does medical mj work for you?

Take care,
your friend,
Ash.



I'm currently 'learning' to operate heavy equipment (front end loaders, bulldozers, excavators, etc.) I say 'learning' because I already know how to operate the important equipment in my field of work, this is just making it official.

I'm also a certified powerline technician (only 2nd year, you need 4 years to be a journeyman) so now I'll be dual certified.

All in all it wasn't too bad a day I guess. It's only been as hard as I made it on myself really. I really should be proud of myself so thank you for that ash.
 
Yes, definitely better to have your red seal DJ. That's great.

Now if only you were receiving proper pain management. Does medical mj work for you?

Take care,
your friend,
Ash.
Mj is far too intoxicating lol, and it doesn't work nearly as well as opioids. I may as well start growing poppies at this rate cuz I'll never get decent pain management from our healthcare system. Managing pain on the street is just too expensive and unreliable and if I told the doctor I was taking the odd oxycocet for pain id probably be banned from the hospital knowing how they are toward opioids. Just gonna have to live with it I suppose.
 
I miss heroin too. So much. It is sort of like an affair you are right. There is a significant difference when you step away from the world of pills. The longer I go without it the more I crave it which seems opposite to most habits.

Guess we're stuck with the odd cravings and relapses for life mate unless we are lucky. Wish I liked cigs that's why I asked about the brand, never been able to enjoy them except rolling tobacco once.

I have to find self confidence somehow. I have everything going for me and none of it. There is no reason I should lack self confidence but I do and it is completely fucking me over. I don't know if it is the opiates that fried my brain or what because they definitely left me a ghost of my former shadow self. Being this depressed I am not really using my brain and feel myself getting dumber and less in touch with reality. Figured I'd be doing better at this point I've had the same benzo issues for a very long time and they are more under control now. Yeah though its just those lines of raw you know? How can I possibly hold off on those forever when I am so functional on it, and an unemployable hysteric off it. I used to wake up and the very first thing I would do would be jump out of bed for a line. It sets a new standard of living, I felt like a normal person and it was like never having hurt my back. I was happier, more physically active, less agoraphobic... a lot of the time I want it back but it's the sickness. I've had enough of it. Of course I got more lines in me but I don't have another day of withdrawal.
 
I miss heroin too. So much. It is sort of like an affair you are right. There is a significant difference when you step away from the world of pills. The longer I go without it the more I crave it which seems opposite to most habits.

Guess we're stuck with the odd cravings and relapses for life mate unless we are lucky. Wish I liked cigs that's why I asked about the brand, never been able to enjoy them except rolling tobacco once.

I have to find self confidence somehow. I have everything going for me and none of it. There is no reason I should lack self confidence but I do and it is completely fucking me over. I don't know if it is the opiates that fried my brain or what because they definitely left me a ghost of my former shadow self. Being this depressed I am not really using my brain and feel myself getting dumber and less in touch with reality. Figured I'd be doing better at this point I've had the same benzo issues for a very long time and they are more under control now. Yeah though its just those lines of raw you know? How can I possibly hold off on those forever when I am so functional on it, and an unemployable hysteric off it. I used to wake up and the very first thing I would do would be jump out of bed for a line. It sets a new standard of living, I felt like a normal person and it was like never having hurt my back. I was happier, more physically active, less agoraphobic... a lot of the time I want it back but it's the sickness. I've had enough of it. Of course I got more lines in me but I don't have another day of withdrawal.
Don't start smoking man for people with highly active minds like us it's been shown to be synonymous. People like us are the ones who end up chainsmokers. It got something to do with keeping ur mind calm and ur hands busy look it up. Smoking and intellectual people.

I never used to snort my dope I used to smoke and (occasionally) bang it, and there's nothing on this planet quite like it. I'm currently drowning in a whiskey river tho. My GABA receptors are toast from years of benzo, alcohol, and gabapentinoid abuse. I also think cocaine has caused my brain to be permanently short circuiting and causing unbearable anxiety.

Thing is when I got coke im not anxious, I'm not overthinking. I'm calm, collected, focused, basically me 2.0 until I come down. Then I'm a neurotic wreck for a week or more. But when I got opioids I'm all of those things without the garbage feeling. And I'm also pain free.

Basically when I'm on coke I feel like THE MAN. Like tony Montana until it drives me crazy. But when I got opioids I'm just fine, just normal. There's nothing like it.

Hard Booze is quite the numbing agent though. I'm thinking it's the best out there.

Edit: btw I feel like benzos have killed my confidence. I used to be able to socialize, talk to pretty girls, live life and have self respect. Now I can't function without them.
 
Guys has anybody noticed chest pains during benzo taper/withdrawal? I've been suffering from chest pains resembling something like angina since I started a forced benzo taper and it isn't panic attacks because when it happens I don't feel panicky at all. Tonight i had such bad chest pains I had to go lie down and it only went away after I took 10mg of Valium which is odd and I've been noticing it since I started this damn benzo taper.

Is this common or could something be really wrong with me? Again it isn't panic attacks as I'm having no other symptoms other than chest tightness and pain, shortness of breath, and it goes away immediately after dosing benzos. I'm a young man (early 20s) so heart disease is highly unlikely.
 
^If you are concerned get your heart checked out but the primary physical symptom of anxiety that I have is tension around my heart. Feels like I have a broken heart. It's all in your head almost for sure but worth a checkup. I think there is a recognized medical thing where you are so romantically sad that you get that feeling, anything can lead to it any sort of stress or sadness. It could be anything but judging from the drugs, I think you're good but if you didn't get an ecg or whatever def get one. I had to for medical pot my heart is fine and I still feel that a lot and without benzos or weed, absolutely because my anxiety is so much worse. Dude you're just anxious and early 20's is when mental illness starts to come out pretty often. That is when life started to become a problem for me. The self medication sort of stopped working and I moved onto drugs that helped me feel not-fucked-up, like the opposite of before. Before that I was a huge stoner working in high tech, had a house, a car, a girl, tons of money and now I may as well be on the damned streets. I have a roof over my head and a computer and most of the time some food. It doesn't matter, if I had any self confidence or initiative left I could get a job in a week. I can't bring myself to apply. You probably have triggered some mental illnesses like for sure so I'd worry way more about that because they never go away. I have had that damned god forsaken feeling in my chest for 8 years feels like it's in a vice grip it is hell. Always during times of extreme anxiety and panic and no other time.

Dude you just make me want to smoke cigs more now lol. Cigs make me physically ill though unless it was the rolling tobacco I liked that stuff. Sounds like you're talking about pot too I feel they are very similar addictions. I cannot stop myself from compulsively ripping bong and I am in constant need of some type of drug stimulation. I'm not sure why I'm just way more productive and happier on drugs, it wasn't always that way. Guess I got addicted. I didn't used to be on drugs 24/7 and I really miss those days. This has nothing whatsoever with me desiring a feeling, it seems backwards. I'm fucked up, I was fucked with as a kid, I was fucked with as a teenager, I was fucked with throughout my 20's and I am sick of being fucked with.

Aha dude you sound so much like me, I'm only laughing because I woke up in the middle of the night after passing on from xanax fuck knows when. I noticed this year upon quitting opiates that my gaba system is indeed fried. It seems like the opiates were compensating for that, but I used H because it is the best drug and I happened to need one for back pain and got addicted in my opinion psychologically from the 3rd or 4th dose - the one that got me high the first time. It took like 2 years to actually be sick as fuck to the point I wanted to die without it though.

I say these things then wonder why I still don't feel right. Well, it sucks because since I don't feel right I can't really take care of myself as well and the better I take care of myself the faster I might catch a smile or a kiss or something other than damned bags of pills and weed. I don't even want to smoke weed. In the beginning it's not like it made my life any better, in fact ever since I started up again my life has been noticeably getting progressively worse and I've been further distancing myself from society. Weed can fuck people up. Seems like you know that. To me, weed is nothing but an addition - a hit to avoid withdrawal symptoms that are mostly physical, like the total inability to eat food or sleep. I smoke too frequently to feel a different just make sure to chain smoke bong rips well on the hour latest and then get more. It is very obviously the pot some things and I could use without the stupid pest but I'm stuck on the trash so I may as well enjoy the smoke plus I just freak out and get suicidal for a while when I stop and I can't go through that withdrawal right now because I'm already that way it's dangerous and I get crazy impulsive for a while but yeah after 6 months I was chill for 2 and a half years weed free with chronic pain and panic disorder. I do not need it. I'm so addicted to it that a lot of people honestly would probably be shocked I mean with a constant supply of chronic high grade and not a lot of the world has that to binge on. It gets me train wrecked more than any other drug I use too because the other ones I have more respect for since I know they can kill me and I need to keep my supply in check. I've been trying to quit weed since May then decided it wasn't worth it anymore. I can't quit and it does nothing for me but hurt. It fucking sucks and nobody understands except the most hardcore stoners who will admit it is addictive and can fuck you up. There are still benefits to it, I get high and feel less anxious. I can't quit though and it sucks when it isn't a realistic option anymore.

What you said about the coke and the short circuit yeah that's how I feel. Probably from all the acid and Mdma and other stuff I no longer have any interest in as they get you high. Feels weird saying that but I also hate sativa weed now. It makes my thoughts scatters and creative and well, useless. I like heavy indica weed now. It's like constantly having a mild panic attack, and then occasionally having extreme ones. I find the weed is just as necessary as the benzos for me to function I hate that I need it though it's expensive in a lot of ways. The benzos I require at this point, I fried myself unbelievably looking back. Like wtf was I thinking I'm going to die now and just recently entered my 30's. I don't think my tombstone should say 30 years it's not like I have been a fuckup this time either. I excelled in school, etc, I just don't think I should have to die at 30 when my life is just getting started after all that work. Well I was functional and I think I remember like I had problems but I was still happy until the back injury and then while the opiates were working. They stopped working after 5 - 6 years. Had never went passed partying on M or binging a little on coke but when that happened and I eventually became interested in opiates and eventually started having panic attacks it was game over. Dead man walking.


Yeah I don't know what's going on with me and girls at the moment. I used to be real cheerful and happy to see attractive ones to me anywhere. Well, at least I would talk to them naturally and casually if I encountered one and had to, haha. I don't do that anymore, I don't really speak to people anymore or straight up tell them to fuck off if they are trying to start a conversation with me and being in any way pushy, but I think that has more to do with how this is the worst time of my life. I no longer am interested or try with females at all even just for fun. I ignore them, am a ghost to them and I'm haunting myself. I guess I realized the the type of romance I would like is more a fantasy than a reality and I have been weeded out by them, so that every girl intuitively knows to stay the fuck away from me even if it's subconscious. They want to hurt me. Skipping family birthdays, weddings every time now. How I hate my life so much I am imploding. How much I hate my life. How many different ways in which I hate my life. How I despise my past for the wasted potential it had, and how I do not look forward to continuing to suffer. I think with the right things in place my situation wouldn't be so bad. It is being broke as fuck on top of an addiction that can kill me, for example. There are so many examples point is everything builds up for so long that you forget who you originally were.

Yeah the way you speak of coke, it is a shame it comes with such a crash when you go a binge haha. So that is an occasional thing for me. It's not my drug because of the severe crash. To be honest and it is kinda scary saying that because I know weed isn't my drug either. Weed to me is a pest I got hooked on, I see it probably the same way a cigarette smoker. All it does is harm my wallet and health and slow me down but I can't function without it because I got addicted. I have been off it for 3 years, and am obviously more stable then. Not at first but after 6 months. H and snow together is what I crave these days and where my money would go if I had any. I would need to be able to function to have a job and that is my way.


See now I'm stoned man and I feel worse than before. The stomach tightness and bloating is gone, and suddenly I am starving so it's all a 15 year on/off progressing addiction but mentally I feel like my day is done. I feel a lot dumber as much as I seem to like smoking the stuff. I think that I should quit but like I said I've tried so many times and relapse is so damn easy and it seems to be like a split personality too and I hate the other me now - unlike opiates it seems to be an 100% guarantee that I will smoke once and continue non stop. I imagine cocaine or cigarettes would be like that too. With opiates I've fucked around with codeine a few times, you have to try a little harder to relapse I feel. It's way more dangerous though. The biggest issue of all, is that I am depressed to the point that I am no longer capable of doing anything at all that makes me happy. I haven't been able to leave my place to walk around the block. I only ever go anywhere if I absolutely need to, and I feel like I'm exploring a world of aliens. There are clear signs of psychosis from the extreme stress and pain, and also the way I naturally think, combined with drugs tampering with that. I feel like I'm losing my mind simply put. Or that I already have. Just where the fuck did my life go and if this was like a 2 year addiction then sure. I'd have a chance if I was younger but how the fuck did it go on for 6 years and those were honestly the most important years of my life. School was a breeze for me and those years were the ones meant to establish my career, not establish myself as a junkie. But, it was easy to get away with mental illness in university. People just thought I was good cause I had super high marks and didn't really do anything but smoke weed and skip class. I had good jobs because of my qualifications but nothing ever stuck because, well, I am junkie scum so I just stopped trying and really it's the chronic pain discrimination too. I'd work for 2 or close to 3 months, then be fired without cause after finally getting into the routine. I'm done. I am a chill guy I don't know why it had to be like this.
 
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Guys has anybody noticed chest pains during benzo taper/withdrawal? I've been suffering from chest pains resembling something like angina since I started a forced benzo taper and it isn't panic attacks because when it happens I don't feel panicky at all. Tonight i had such bad chest pains I had to go lie down and it only went away after I took 10mg of Valium which is odd and I've been noticing it since I started this damn benzo taper.

Is this common or could something be really wrong with me? Again it isn't panic attacks as I'm having no other symptoms other than chest tightness and pain, shortness of breath, and it goes away immediately after dosing benzos. I'm a young man (early 20s) so heart disease is highly unlikely.

That could still be anxiety easily man and my guess is that it is. That is what I was initially treating with the valium sorta I had extreme physical tension that manifested in a lot of ways but mostly like feeling like I was having a heart attack exclusively. You are clearly worried about it dude, when this started happening to me every time I smoked weed and then eventually while sober, I didn't know wtf was going on and I was... hurt my back at 22 and started getting panic attacks at 23 was using both by 24 and had a good few years at that point, they were really amazing actually when I first started using, I was functional in all the ways that I'm presently not. Was pretty much dead at 27. Especially since the benzo and opiate use began the same time, one after the other; it was exponentially faster to get dependent with the benzos but I used both to no avail and every single benzo and opiate or opioid I could get my hands on, heroin was always a thing it was the first one I tried but dilaudid was the first time I caught that energy, pain relief, euphoria etc. and imagine me with thousands of dollars extra and choosing to blow it on drugs. I cannot believe how creative, functional, and naturally secretive without even trying I was either. It's like I sold my soul. I don't have that right now or I'd be doing lines all day. Money is not always a good thing, that is for sure. Like we had legit badass career jobs managing huge groups of people, she was I am almost certain a closet cocaine addict would explain a lot lol. She was shy about her drug use and I was too high on heroin to realize I was on drugs and one natural thing about the heroin high is that it makes you hide it. The only way you can really get caught out is by dosing too high, which usually happens when someone switches to the needle. I didn't like that though when I did it a few times.
So being on those two drugs raw alprazolam or etizolam and heroin (or oxy, dilaudid, opium) in a honeymoon drug phase while having a girlfriend and travelling the world and both working, living together that was really nice and she had lovely times too well we were in love. Fuck. I was actually happy. But that was my life. I exchanged those years for the remainder of it.

Like what do I expect you only get one life and I ruined mine that is a shit ton of drug abuse and the weed alone is just insanity how much I smoke. It isn't like a normal daily pothead I am hardcore 24/7 waking up in the middle of the night to sesh.

At this point man, I think my anxiety is from depression. I've been depressed all my life a lot of it is over being socially anxious and not reaching my potential and watching life pass me by. It all ties together, if I was never anxious or depressed or out of place to begin with, I wouldn't have felt the need to self harm. There was a lot of self harm, like almost beating the shit out of myself somehow just lose control. I wouldn't have been fighting off so much emotional pain and taking it out physically on myself and emotionally on others. I would not have been so reckless with myself in the gym I hit it so damn hard. It was my coping mechanism, to help make up for the endorphin deficiency I assume. Or in normal terms my shit, miserable lonely life. I was after the runners high but lifting weights like crazy and almost all my spare time was spent distracting myself with swimming, cycling, running 10km like it was a walk, I weighed 220 lbs, and lots of team sports too. I had to give all of that fun stuff up when I hurt my back, hard labour jobs growing up were involved too, and I weigh between 150 and 180 now sometimes less. But now it's pretty okay since I've been using. I'm low again now so it's time to lose some weight I guess I won't be hungry anymore.

I liked the team sports and I was always a friend person. I'd go out and party and stuff just to be with my friends whereas everyone else ended up sleeping with someone back then I was all about getting wrecked with my friends and getting aggressive. I knew it wasn't possible at the time anyway to approach a girl I hadn't even discovered a benzo yet, or an opiate. For fucks sake why was I not doing those drugs back then I was on the wrong ones everything I have ever done in my life has been a bad choice.

You get depressed like this lay in bed or a week straight and like what do I expect? The pain becomes extreme and it's a downward spiral and it sucks that I only seem to care or realize this when I have taken it so far that my life is at risk. The people I'm around including my family are such shitty people and this has been pointed out by people close to me, not myself until I realized people had normal, supportive families. Dude don't worry about your heart but get it checked out for sure to make sure it's anxiety. Anxiety manifests physically the hardcore type, I am looking back at my old socially anxious depressed self and wondering why that was even a problem. I mean, I could leave the place comfortably and had a lot of friends. I do not have one person I can call a friend anymore. Nobody to hit up to smoke a joint. Not a single girl even to talk to. I've fucked off from my family for the time being. I have a horrible attitude it makes everything worse and a lot of it is being socially isolated because when people meet me I don't know I'm just eager to make friends with people so I end up befriending the chill ones and annoying the pricks. It is just nice to come in some sort of contact with a human being, like having a conversation that is more than just a hello or it could just be that. It was that with that girl I've always had a crush on who works at yoga, the other day I saw her for 5 seconds but it was enough since there was an attractive force almost like in physics... too bad I'm junkie scum.
 
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^If you are concerned get your heart checked out but the primary physical symptom of anxiety that I have is tension around my heart. Feels like I have a broken heart. It's all in your head almost for sure but worth a checkup. I think there is a recognized medical thing where you are so romantically sad that you get that feeling, anything can lead to it any sort of stress or sadness. It could be anything but judging from the drugs, I think you're good but if you didn't get an ecg or whatever def get one. I had to for medical pot my heart is fine and I still feel that a lot and without benzos or weed, absolutely because my anxiety is so much worse. Dude you're just anxious and early 20's is when mental illness starts to come out pretty often. That is when life started to become a problem for me. The self medication sort of stopped working and I moved onto drugs that helped me feel not-fucked-up, like the opposite of before. Before that I was a huge stoner working in high tech, had a house, a car, a girl, tons of money and now I may as well be on the damned streets. I have a roof over my head and a computer and most of the time some food. It doesn't matter, if I had any self confidence or initiative left I could get a job in a week. I can't bring myself to apply. You probably have triggered some mental illnesses like for sure so I'd worry way more about that because they never go away. I have had that damned god forsaken feeling in my chest for 8 years feels like it's in a vice grip it is hell. Always during times of extreme anxiety and panic and no other time.

Dude you just make me want to smoke cigs more now lol. Cigs make me physically ill though unless it was the rolling tobacco I liked that stuff. Sounds like you're talking about pot too I feel they are very similar addictions. I cannot stop myself from compulsively ripping bong and I am in constant need of some type of drug stimulation. I'm not sure why I'm just way more productive and happier on drugs, it wasn't always that way. Guess I got addicted. I didn't used to be on drugs 24/7 and I really miss those days. This has nothing whatsoever with me desiring a feeling, it seems backwards. I'm fucked up, I was fucked with as a kid, I was fucked with as a teenager, I was fucked with throughout my 20's and I am sick of being fucked with.

Aha dude you sound so much like me, I'm only laughing because I woke up in the middle of the night after passing on from xanax fuck knows when. I noticed this year upon quitting opiates that my gaba system is indeed fried. It seems like the opiates were compensating for that, but I used H because it is the best drug and I happened to need one for back pain and got addicted in my opinion psychologically from the 3rd or 4th dose - the one that got me high the first time. It took like 2 years to actually be sick as fuck to the point I wanted to die without it though.

I say these things then wonder why I still don't feel right. Well, it sucks because since I don't feel right I can't really take care of myself as well and the better I take care of myself the faster I might catch a smile or a kiss or something other than damned bags of pills and weed. I don't even want to smoke weed. In the beginning it's not like it made my life any better, in fact ever since I started up again my life has been noticeably getting progressively worse and I've been further distancing myself from society. Weed can fuck people up. Seems like you know that. To me, weed is nothing but an addition - a hit to avoid withdrawal symptoms that are mostly physical, like the total inability to eat food or sleep. I smoke too frequently to feel a different just make sure to chain smoke bong rips well on the hour latest and then get more. It is very obviously the pot some things and I could use without the stupid pest but I'm stuck on the trash so I may as well enjoy the smoke plus I just freak out and get suicidal for a while when I stop and I can't go through that withdrawal right now because I'm already that way it's dangerous and I get crazy impulsive for a while but yeah after 6 months I was chill for 2 and a half years weed free with chronic pain and panic disorder. I do not need it. I'm so addicted to it that a lot of people honestly would probably be shocked I mean with a constant supply of chronic high grade and not a lot of the world has that to binge on. It gets me train wrecked more than any other drug I use too because the other ones I have more respect for since I know they can kill me and I need to keep my supply in check. I've been trying to quit weed since May then decided it wasn't worth it anymore. I can't quit and it does nothing for me but hurt. It fucking sucks and nobody understands except the most hardcore stoners who will admit it is addictive and can fuck you up. There are still benefits to it, I get high and feel less anxious. I can't quit though and it sucks when it isn't a realistic option anymore.

What you said about the coke and the short circuit yeah that's how I feel. Probably from all the acid and Mdma and other stuff I no longer have any interest in as they get you high. Feels weird saying that but I also hate sativa weed now. It makes my thoughts scatters and creative and well, useless. I like heavy indica weed now. It's like constantly having a mild panic attack, and then occasionally having extreme ones. I find the weed is just as necessary as the benzos for me to function I hate that I need it though it's expensive in a lot of ways. The benzos I require at this point, I fried myself unbelievably looking back. Like wtf was I thinking I'm going to die now and just recently entered my 30's. I don't think my tombstone should say 30 years it's not like I have been a fuckup this time either. I excelled in school, etc, I just don't think I should have to die at 30 when my life is just getting started after all that work. Well I was functional and I think I remember like I had problems but I was still happy until the back injury and then while the opiates were working. They stopped working after 5 - 6 years. Had never went passed partying on M or binging a little on coke but when that happened and I eventually became interested in opiates and eventually started having panic attacks it was game over. Dead man walking.


Yeah I don't know what's going on with me and girls at the moment. I used to be real cheerful and happy to see attractive ones to me anywhere. Well, at least I would talk to them naturally and casually if I encountered one and had to, haha. I don't do that anymore, I don't really speak to people anymore or straight up tell them to fuck off if they are trying to start a conversation with me and being in any way pushy, but I think that has more to do with how this is the worst time of my life. I no longer am interested or try with females at all even just for fun. I ignore them, am a ghost to them and I'm haunting myself. I guess I realized the the type of romance I would like is more a fantasy than a reality and I have been weeded out by them, so that every girl intuitively knows to stay the fuck away from me even if it's subconscious. They want to hurt me. Skipping family birthdays, weddings every time now. How I hate my life so much I am imploding. How much I hate my life. How many different ways in which I hate my life. How I despise my past for the wasted potential it had, and how I do not look forward to continuing to suffer. I think with the right things in place my situation wouldn't be so bad. It is being broke as fuck on top of an addiction that can kill me, for example. There are so many examples point is everything builds up for so long that you forget who you originally were.

Yeah the way you speak of coke, it is a shame it comes with such a crash when you go a binge haha. So that is an occasional thing for me. It's not my drug because of the severe crash. To be honest and it is kinda scary saying that because I know weed isn't my drug either. Weed to me is a pest I got hooked on, I see it probably the same way a cigarette smoker. All it does is harm my wallet and health and slow me down but I can't function without it because I got addicted. I have been off it for 3 years, and am obviously more stable then. Not at first but after 6 months. H and snow together is what I crave these days and where my money would go if I had any. I would need to be able to function to have a job and that is my way.


See now I'm stoned man and I feel worse than before. The stomach tightness and bloating is gone, and suddenly I am starving so it's all a 15 year on/off progressing addiction but mentally I feel like my day is done. I feel a lot dumber as much as I seem to like smoking the stuff. I think that I should quit but like I said I've tried so many times and relapse is so damn easy and it seems to be like a split personality too and I hate the other me now - unlike opiates it seems to be an 100% guarantee that I will smoke once and continue non stop. I imagine cocaine or cigarettes would be like that too. With opiates I've fucked around with codeine a few times, you have to try a little harder to relapse I feel. It's way more dangerous though. The biggest issue of all, is that I am depressed to the point that I am no longer capable of doing anything at all that makes me happy. I haven't been able to leave my place to walk around the block. I only ever go anywhere if I absolutely need to, and I feel like I'm exploring a world of aliens. There are clear signs of psychosis from the extreme stress and pain, and also the way I naturally think, combined with drugs tampering with that. I feel like I'm losing my mind simply put. Or that I already have. Just where the fuck did my life go and if this was like a 2 year addiction then sure. I'd have a chance if I was younger but how the fuck did it go on for 6 years and those were honestly the most important years of my life. School was a breeze for me and those years were the ones meant to establish my career, not establish myself as a junkie. But, it was easy to get away with mental illness in university. People just thought I was good cause I had super high marks and didn't really do anything but smoke weed and skip class. I had good jobs because of my qualifications but nothing ever stuck because, well, I am junkie scum so I just stopped trying and really it's the chronic pain discrimination too. I'd work for 2 or close to 3 months, then be fired without cause after finally getting into the routine. I'm done. I am a chill guy I don't know why it had to be like this.
Come on man ur not junkie scum ur just having a real hard time. Don't call yourself down like that because in the end u are all u got. Not girls, not money, the only person u gotta live with 24/7 is yourself. May as well try to like that person while ur there. I found weed to be the hardest drug to quit. I had to stop for legal reasons a few years ago after smoking like you do, constantly all day every day, and I swear to god I laid in bed and smoked cigarettes for a month before I could get up and do anything. It was the worst drug I ever had to quit up until stupid fucking benzos were brought into my life. Benzos cause brain damage it's a proven fact. I've been on them for close to 4 years now and this taper thing is absolutely brutal.

I've never had such bad withdrawals from opioids (mainly because I never let it go too far), coke, or anything besides weed. Now whenever i smoke anything besides heavy indica it's panic attack city and I gotta pop a Valium to bring myself back down. I'm usually fine after the first toke but the first toke has me laying in bed in the fetal position for half an hour listing off all the bad things I ever done, everything wrong with my life, etc. I blame that on the benzos making me overanxious.

My heads a mess all the time and it's even worse since I started taking benzos. First it was clonazepam, but that kept making me put my car off the road (LOL) so i switched to Valium. Wish I'd never taken any of it. I avoid Xanax like the plague even though it's dirt cheap around here, after my buddy having seizures, leading to him losing his licence for a year, from Xanax abuse. Although I love the way it makes me feel. I blacked out on alpazolam footballs and beer one night and 'apparently' was driving around according to the empty bottles in the car the next day. No memory of it.

Came to, or woke up, sitting in a chair with my phone in one hand, music still playing, and a half empty beer in the other. Very lucky i woke up at all.

And yeah I used to love psychedelics, not anymore. I don't think my head could handle another trip. almost a year clean of coke now and No desire to do more so that's pretty good. Kinda got turned from it after I had a batch give me chemical burns on my nose, and subsequently my lip from the caustic snot running out of my nose. God only knows what they put in that shit nowadays.
 
Hi Guys,

I have had chest pains before when I was withdrawing from opiates. Apparently, it is a withdrawal symptom.
Weird thing was that I was on my regular dosage of opiates. I had an EKG and everything and they wrote the diagnosis down as opiate withdrawal. My doctor asked me if I was in opiate withdrawal when I went to the hospital.
(This was a few years ago) and I told him I didn't think so because I was using my normal dosage of morphine.
I showed them the bottle at the hospital and everything. They gave me oxymorphone and that made it go away.
I think it was a flare up of my hernia pain. That is what I was complaining about most besides the heart pain.
I think pain can cause a lot of symptoms we do not regularly associate with pain.

I just wanted to say that while I do not know if hard, long term usage of h, benzo's, coke, and/ or alcohol can cause this anhedonia feeling and lack of being motivated and able to function etc.
I have no history of that but I also feel the same as you guys ALOT! The depression and the fact that I live in chronic pain/ injury has taken a toll that is exactly like what you guys are describing. Memory loss too. Inability to express myself or hold intelligent conversations like I used to.

I think these symptoms could be from chronic pain / injury and the resulting anxiety and depression from having our lives so drastically changed in every way. Also, isolation. Nobody understanding. All the B.S and judgement we get when we seek help from the medical "professionals ".

I feel the same way you guys describe a lot and I don't have the history of drug/alcohol abuse.
 
You are not junkie scum either ShroomySatori!
Stop being so hard on yourself man!

You still have a lot going for you.
You are thirty years old! You have time on your side.

Just look at this as a time out in life while you recover.
I think within a year from now. Anytime actually, that you are going to pull out of the post acute opiate withdrawal.
It is understandable that you had to take more benzodiazepines during this time due to the severe anxiety disorder you already had.
But now, you need to get the benzodiazepines back down to a therapy level and give your body / mind / spirit some time to recover.

There is a chance at recovery for you. Get the weed smoking down too and get active. You have the ability to drive and have a car and have things you can do! Go work for a few hours a week at someplace you like to just get yourself back in the swing of things.
I bet you do okay if you can just get yourself going again.

That will give you a lot of confidence and get you out being social and doing other things.
It will take your mind off things.

That is the hardest part, is when you cannot do very much and just have to sit in your misery.

Much Love Guys!

Squeaky- my thoughts are with you. I hope you are doing okay.
Reminder to both of us: don't overuse medication! We need to be careful with our dosages or we will be in trouble having to go cold turkey again and we don't like that! :)
 
Remember to drink a lot of water. It is little things like that which build up and help.

I have been forgetting to drink much water lately. I should definitely go for a morning walk as well but feel lazy.

I lost the motivation to do positive things for myself and it has been a setback. Yeah I gotta get out for that morning walk.

I think a lot of that has to do with diet. I began eating one meal a day. I feel full, but it isn't enough nutrition for me to live any sort of lifestyle with a quick pace.
 
Yes. Drinking a lot of water helps. I drink lots of water everyday. It helps with everything.
Dehydration is one problem that can cause a lot of symptoms.
So can constipation.
Make sure to drink plenty of WATER my friends.
Good thinking ShroomySatori!

Get out and get that walk! Focus on just taking care of yourself for awhile. Nice hot showers/ baths.
Use nice smelling soaps and lotions and pamper yourself.
Get back into the habit of doing a daily routine where you take care of yourself.
It makes me feel a lot better. Being clean, smelling good, feeling fresh and looking good, makes me at least feel normal.

Cooking nice meals, reading, cleaning up your environment also help me to feel better.
Nice healthy home cooked meals are so important. We must give our bodies the right nutrition to overcome and repair the damage in our bodies. Body/ mind is connected. If you get your body feeling better, your mind will feel better too.

Go get your hair done in a fun new way.

Get out a little everyday and be social. Even if you have to force yourself to do these things at first- you will find that you are enjoying these things again soon if you just keep doing them.
"Fake it until you make it"~ my doctor told me that! Lol! It has been helpful.

Nobody needs to know how bad you are feeling or how much anxiety you are going through except for you.
 
That is pretty much what I am doing exactly. Easier said than done though when I am depressed. I got out for a long walk in the snow. I am trying to make it a regular thing at sunrise because I am awake most days before sunrise anyway and it is a peaceful time of day. I have been so depressed it is troubling. Spend about half my waking life doing absolutely nothing.

It's weird I was doing great in acute withdrawal but after a few months... I pretty much have to do what I was doing before now and most importantly try to keep the stress low. I'm low on weed now and I can feel the underlying stress of it even though I'm grabbing today and have a couple tokes over the next few hours. There are so many little pointless things I worry about.

This year has been the worst year of my life hands down. No contest. Well now I am going to try folding some laundry. These things will come back quickly but I am so used to being lazy and bedridden with no energy that I have to get physically fit again. My hygiene got bad for a while it should be at its best. Then I feel better about myself and with an early snowfall it seems like a time of change. Especially as a huge pothead it is really important to exercise and all this or I find myself easily feeling burnt out. I don't think I should be having any caffeine at all anymore except a little tea.
 
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