I tried my best to get clean. I can't handle the withdrawals. Just to let everyone know that I went clinic and I'm going to be assessed next week for a Methadone script. I phoned a crisis helpline number and they're helping me to try and get things done quicker. Otherwise it takes forever getting a script but because I'm classed as vulnerable they let me bypass the waiting list.
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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread
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A quick question. Would anyone know what methadone titration means and what procedure do you think I'll have to go through? All I know so far is I'll be assessed on day one and given methadone on day two. I don't know how many mg of methadone I'm getting yet but I'm assuming they'll tell me at my first day next week.
Squeaky
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I have no personal experience with methadone Billy, but I have read a lot about it. The main benefit for someone getting off H is that it lasts a long time in your body. People still can get high from methadone, and it is often prescribed for pain. But for withdrawls it is great because it can be dispensed once per day and last 24 hours before wds begin. That means you can be given basically one day of meds, take them with supervision, and go back to home/work/life for 24 hours and come back the next day and do it all over again. No chance you misuse, save, or sell your prescription.
As with any change there will be a transition period. For some it can be easy. Others can take a week to really get relief. What is important for you is that you are no longer suffering in silence, and you are getting help. I was in bad shape once and I did get gelp to stop from hurting myself many years ago. I can tell you from personal experience that everything feels strange for a couple of days and then your medication starts to work, therapy becomes more normal, and your mind starts feeling less confused. Stick with it and you will be very happy you didnt give up.
Do what Shroomi said. Get the Fuck away from your old life. Dont talk to your old friends who still use ANY drugs. Even if it is a family member, you cant be reminded if that lifestyle. And find something to occupy your time. Video games, jogging, gardening, ANYTHING that uses up the extra hours in the day and leaves you with just enough time to sleep. Time is no friend when you want to get clean.
And remember - you are not a bad person. This shit has ruined many peoples lives. When you make it through you will be stronger because if it. If you pay attention you will probably see a few people who are very proud of what you are doing right now. Admitting you need help and calling for help is something that many people are too chicken to do. You stopped your childrens father from commiting suicide. Anybody who doesnt see how important that is should fuck off.
As with any change there will be a transition period. For some it can be easy. Others can take a week to really get relief. What is important for you is that you are no longer suffering in silence, and you are getting help. I was in bad shape once and I did get gelp to stop from hurting myself many years ago. I can tell you from personal experience that everything feels strange for a couple of days and then your medication starts to work, therapy becomes more normal, and your mind starts feeling less confused. Stick with it and you will be very happy you didnt give up.
Do what Shroomi said. Get the Fuck away from your old life. Dont talk to your old friends who still use ANY drugs. Even if it is a family member, you cant be reminded if that lifestyle. And find something to occupy your time. Video games, jogging, gardening, ANYTHING that uses up the extra hours in the day and leaves you with just enough time to sleep. Time is no friend when you want to get clean.
And remember - you are not a bad person. This shit has ruined many peoples lives. When you make it through you will be stronger because if it. If you pay attention you will probably see a few people who are very proud of what you are doing right now. Admitting you need help and calling for help is something that many people are too chicken to do. You stopped your childrens father from commiting suicide. Anybody who doesnt see how important that is should fuck off.
Painful One
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I know what the "titration" means. It is basically what they do in pain management, I am in that myself. What the titration means is they want to start you off at the lowest dose as is possible to keep you comfortable. So they titrate the medication up (increase the dosage) until you are being held at a comfortable level, no withdrawals and no pain. With such strong medications they try to get the exact dosage you need. You also want to be very honest with them about what that dosage is because you could have pain or injury in the future and require more opiate medication, so you want to give yourself some room to move upwards and still get pain relief. You have a lot of living to do!
I was so happy to see your messages today when I logged on here! I was worried we had lost you my brother. I am so very proud of you for having the courage to reach out and ask for help! I think this is going to be great treatment for you! The Methadone will keep you stable and comfortable while you work out the root of the issues/ problems that are causing you to self medicate.
ShroomySatori
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I do not think I have realized that what I am experiencing is post-acute withdrawal up until now.
I was pointing the finger at the benzos but nothing has changed with those. I have had the odd days of stress when I'm waiting to grab more but my doses have been the same as always. My anxiety has become extreme but it's not that.
I remember this is what led me to relapse near the beginning of this thread, my first attempt tapering oxy's. It was the extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and insomnia that not even 20mg of xanax could touch. It only began months later and came as a shock when I thought I was better. I just have to deal with it and recognize that even if I keep smokin weed and takin benzos all the same, I'm still getting better. 6 years of sheer abuse vs 5 months? My short term memory is noticeably horrible now but I'm lucky my brain still exists.
My other recovery friend (not really in touch anymore, bpd outburst related) who was hooked on fentanyl smoking it, real bad had to go on buprenorphine and taper, said to beware of post-acute withdrawals and look into them in advance. I didn't really know what to look out for but it turns out that there are disruptive symptoms. My dilaudid using friend said that they linger for so damn long it will drive ya insane.
Need to remember it has only been five months. And I met a special girl. I know this to be true. She really likes me too but I need to get my shit together she isn't going to wait around forever. And yeah in the meantime I reallllllly want to keep getting to know her, making a wish. Ugh I can't stand when I have crushes like this but she's different and the way we met is better more mutual friends. Okay okay heard it a million times I'll just mention her again if I end up engaged lol but yeah I really like her and we make a good team.
I was pointing the finger at the benzos but nothing has changed with those. I have had the odd days of stress when I'm waiting to grab more but my doses have been the same as always. My anxiety has become extreme but it's not that.
I remember this is what led me to relapse near the beginning of this thread, my first attempt tapering oxy's. It was the extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and insomnia that not even 20mg of xanax could touch. It only began months later and came as a shock when I thought I was better. I just have to deal with it and recognize that even if I keep smokin weed and takin benzos all the same, I'm still getting better. 6 years of sheer abuse vs 5 months? My short term memory is noticeably horrible now but I'm lucky my brain still exists.
My other recovery friend (not really in touch anymore, bpd outburst related) who was hooked on fentanyl smoking it, real bad had to go on buprenorphine and taper, said to beware of post-acute withdrawals and look into them in advance. I didn't really know what to look out for but it turns out that there are disruptive symptoms. My dilaudid using friend said that they linger for so damn long it will drive ya insane.
Need to remember it has only been five months. And I met a special girl. I know this to be true. She really likes me too but I need to get my shit together she isn't going to wait around forever. And yeah in the meantime I reallllllly want to keep getting to know her, making a wish. Ugh I can't stand when I have crushes like this but she's different and the way we met is better more mutual friends. Okay okay heard it a million times I'll just mention her again if I end up engaged lol but yeah I really like her and we make a good team.
ShroomySatori
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Billy, heroin is pure evil. I haven't used it since last June or July. Can't remember and don't care. Still remember that feeling like it was yesterday. Still not over it but I don't have another withdrawal in me for that.
You don't want to detox to end up relapsing it's insanely stressful for the body (you will learn this the hard way, hopefully only once or twice) and with the heroin it is so much easier to relapse with such easy access. It's a very different thing, you see how it has fucked our lives right. It only gets worse and when you think it can't get any worse then it does.
You don't want to detox to end up relapsing it's insanely stressful for the body (you will learn this the hard way, hopefully only once or twice) and with the heroin it is so much easier to relapse with such easy access. It's a very different thing, you see how it has fucked our lives right. It only gets worse and when you think it can't get any worse then it does.
ShroomySatori
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Was looking through old pages of this thread but don't really have the time. I'm getting back to where I was before this depressive episode, or whatever.
How you doin squeaky last time I remember your tolerance was up from surgery. Painful One assuming you are looking good and in pain. Haven't heard from some others in a while. Two of my best friends I haven't heard from in way too long a time when we were talking daily. Both heavy into hard drugs. One day I stopped hearing from both of them randomly..
Watching Before Sunrise this morning it is an excellent film. Nice to sit back drink coffee and smoke hash watching it. I have 3 other things to do today (yeah... the film counts because I haven't been enjoying myself lately at all and need to chill... was too depressed to watch a film or read)... I am doing okay today, extremely anxious but I'm used to it and I'm understanding why.
Heroin is pure evil. That is the truth I arrived at earlier today.
How you doin squeaky last time I remember your tolerance was up from surgery. Painful One assuming you are looking good and in pain. Haven't heard from some others in a while. Two of my best friends I haven't heard from in way too long a time when we were talking daily. Both heavy into hard drugs. One day I stopped hearing from both of them randomly..
Watching Before Sunrise this morning it is an excellent film. Nice to sit back drink coffee and smoke hash watching it. I have 3 other things to do today (yeah... the film counts because I haven't been enjoying myself lately at all and need to chill... was too depressed to watch a film or read)... I am doing okay today, extremely anxious but I'm used to it and I'm understanding why.
Heroin is pure evil. That is the truth I arrived at earlier today.
Painful One
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Glad to hear you are doing better ShroomySatori. I do think that you have arrived at the right conclusion. I think these horrible ups and downs you are hitting are due to withdrawal still. post acute withdrawal. No amount of benzo's are going to help the situation. i think you are completely correct on that also.
I wish I knew what to do to help you but I don't think there is any right way to deal with this problem. Everyone must just find what manages the situation and constantly be managing the situation. Whatever works for you is what you must do. Just have to keep trying different things and keep doing the things that you find helpful to you as an individual.
For many, many people methadone or suboxone is a great solution. Some are able to eventually taper down off of those and some need to use those medications for the rest of their lives. Either way is just fine.
I wish I knew what to do to help you but I don't think there is any right way to deal with this problem. Everyone must just find what manages the situation and constantly be managing the situation. Whatever works for you is what you must do. Just have to keep trying different things and keep doing the things that you find helpful to you as an individual.
For many, many people methadone or suboxone is a great solution. Some are able to eventually taper down off of those and some need to use those medications for the rest of their lives. Either way is just fine.
ShroomySatori
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Yes it is correct because I have tried taking extra benzos and they don't do anything. This is exactly what happened when I tried tapering oxy's too. It was a fast taper and I freaked at these symptoms. Eventually things will level out.
It is just a matter of dealing with all the stress. I just do things that take effort and make me feel good about myself. That seems to work. It is not horrible, weeks like those are to be expected the first year a lot of stress was building up. Tbh I think Billy even mentioning heroin fucked with my head as well. I would never use any opiate ever again and I don't need those substitutes at 5 months. They wouldn't be worth it I'm not having physical symptoms and I'm physically fit and energetic. It's just like if I don't sleep for a while, or skip meals or skip yoga those things really affect me I'm fragile like that.
Today my to-do list is a double hot yoga class later, I already applied for my first career job in over a year and wrote a cover letter quickly realizing how easy this would be, to find work. Then read 25 pages out of my 1000 pager I stopped reading for a bit. I cleaned up my living space and now it is very welcoming and pleasant to be in. That is the first thing I did. And then I should do something else I thought there was a 4th thing. Whatever. I just watch Before Sunrise so I may watch Before Sunset tonight.
It is to be expected at this many months after such a bad habit and I have experienced it before after a couple months. I feel better having realized this, as it means that I will continue to stabilize over time. Applying for my first career job was a huge step forward because I already know what one I'm applying to next. It got the ball rolling so I know I'll be good if I hang in there it was easy to apply. I lost faith in myself for a long time but my back pain has not bothered me one bit today. My spine was tender from 2 days of yoga so I took yesterday off and my pain is gone now (after all the tenderness for a day or 2) - but before that I hadn't been in over a week from the ups and downs I just didn't want to be there didn't care and after a few days my back pain was coming back. So I really need to keep up with exercise and that isn't easy those classes are intense to say the least.
It is just a matter of dealing with all the stress. I just do things that take effort and make me feel good about myself. That seems to work. It is not horrible, weeks like those are to be expected the first year a lot of stress was building up. Tbh I think Billy even mentioning heroin fucked with my head as well. I would never use any opiate ever again and I don't need those substitutes at 5 months. They wouldn't be worth it I'm not having physical symptoms and I'm physically fit and energetic. It's just like if I don't sleep for a while, or skip meals or skip yoga those things really affect me I'm fragile like that.
Today my to-do list is a double hot yoga class later, I already applied for my first career job in over a year and wrote a cover letter quickly realizing how easy this would be, to find work. Then read 25 pages out of my 1000 pager I stopped reading for a bit. I cleaned up my living space and now it is very welcoming and pleasant to be in. That is the first thing I did. And then I should do something else I thought there was a 4th thing. Whatever. I just watch Before Sunrise so I may watch Before Sunset tonight.
It is to be expected at this many months after such a bad habit and I have experienced it before after a couple months. I feel better having realized this, as it means that I will continue to stabilize over time. Applying for my first career job was a huge step forward because I already know what one I'm applying to next. It got the ball rolling so I know I'll be good if I hang in there it was easy to apply. I lost faith in myself for a long time but my back pain has not bothered me one bit today. My spine was tender from 2 days of yoga so I took yesterday off and my pain is gone now (after all the tenderness for a day or 2) - but before that I hadn't been in over a week from the ups and downs I just didn't want to be there didn't care and after a few days my back pain was coming back. So I really need to keep up with exercise and that isn't easy those classes are intense to say the least.
Glad to hear you're doing well Squeaky, you'll do just fine, we're all here for you.
Ashley.
Ashley.
Hey Shroomi keep up all the great work, the yoga sounds great too. And a nice tidy home is a wonderful thing!
We're all here for you.
Take care,
Ashley.
We're all here for you.
Take care,
Ashley.
ShroomySatori
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I figured that to clean up my life I should start with cleaning up my room. I brought my guardian angel shrine into my room (also did my laundry and clean all the weed tar infused surfaces and there are crimson tapered candles on each side of her lit at 3am with a mirror so it looks like doubled it's nice.
The yoga has been the best thing I've done for myself this year. Feels like I belong to something there, and it will be a lifelong thing. Did a double class yesterday with a short break in between, I left exhausted and depressed kinda last night but yeah. Really intense workout I need to drink a lot of water..
I think Squeaky mentioned a crossover from ativan to valium would take a month so he did it with ativan. Well that is medium to long acting benzo and I was going from short acting to long acting to taper - it just wasn't working out, I think they were interfering with each other at the binding sites - so I think that once my body has strengthened and my life is less stressful I will do a harsh short acting benzo kick at home. Making sure to have an anti seizure med. Seems to be my thing that works over long term tapering.
The yoga has been the best thing I've done for myself this year. Feels like I belong to something there, and it will be a lifelong thing. Did a double class yesterday with a short break in between, I left exhausted and depressed kinda last night but yeah. Really intense workout I need to drink a lot of water..
I think Squeaky mentioned a crossover from ativan to valium would take a month so he did it with ativan. Well that is medium to long acting benzo and I was going from short acting to long acting to taper - it just wasn't working out, I think they were interfering with each other at the binding sites - so I think that once my body has strengthened and my life is less stressful I will do a harsh short acting benzo kick at home. Making sure to have an anti seizure med. Seems to be my thing that works over long term tapering.
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Squeaky
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Long term tapering worked well for me with Ativan (Benzo). I believe I am done finally. I slept ok last night with no benzo yesterday at all. It feels strange to realize that I dont have to take it anymore. I am trying to focus really hard on this moment and use it to spring myself into the next one I will stop taking.
Tapering has not worked at all with oxycodone.... Every day I wake up with a plan to cut back, then later I come up with a really good reason to take more. Usually its because something hurts. Im concerned I now have Opioid Induced Hyperalgesia. But I may have some wds when I cut back on Lyrica. I dont know what to think. The wds from the first pill make me need more of the second pill, and vice versa. I need a better plan, and I need to focus on getting off Oxy regardless if how much Lyrica I take. Fortunately I have tons of Lyrica stashed.
Tapering has not worked at all with oxycodone.... Every day I wake up with a plan to cut back, then later I come up with a really good reason to take more. Usually its because something hurts. Im concerned I now have Opioid Induced Hyperalgesia. But I may have some wds when I cut back on Lyrica. I dont know what to think. The wds from the first pill make me need more of the second pill, and vice versa. I need a better plan, and I need to focus on getting off Oxy regardless if how much Lyrica I take. Fortunately I have tons of Lyrica stashed.
jackie jones
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Howdy, Darksiders! How goes it this afternoon?
Painful One
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Lol Squeaky! I always thought you talked very little. You guys are braver than I am, I'm afraid to look back and I don't really want to as I am not going in that direction. I could possibly gain more insight by doing so but I am just not ready for that. I have a feeling I would be extremely embarrassed of myself. But ah well, you all have been such amazing friends and companions on this very long and painful journey. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you guys. I think you are all incredible and amazing people. So strong. You all have taught me so much and just knowing I am not alone and you all are here helps so much. Thank you my friends.
I know what you mean about needing more of other medication every time you try to cut back on the opiate Squeaky. I don't tolerate Lyrica well so for me it is Ambian that I turn to when I need more pain medication but can't take any. It calms me down and I can run myself out of that without having or noticing any type of withdrawal. So I seem to use way more of that whenever I try to cut down on the opiate. Hell! At this point I am just trying to get back to the prescribed program and keep it that way.
I am concentrating on other areas right now. Exercise and socializing. I have just recently gotten enough strength back that I can stand long enough to cook again and I am enjoying that. I have recognized that when my pain skyrockets and I am having high pain level days that I am missing parts of conversations and I find myself lost as to what is going on. It is so hard to think through the pain. Then I turn hyper vigilant and think people are making fun of me or fucking with me. I am learning how to communicate properly again. This is hard guys.
I know what you mean about needing more of other medication every time you try to cut back on the opiate Squeaky. I don't tolerate Lyrica well so for me it is Ambian that I turn to when I need more pain medication but can't take any. It calms me down and I can run myself out of that without having or noticing any type of withdrawal. So I seem to use way more of that whenever I try to cut down on the opiate. Hell! At this point I am just trying to get back to the prescribed program and keep it that way.
I am concentrating on other areas right now. Exercise and socializing. I have just recently gotten enough strength back that I can stand long enough to cook again and I am enjoying that. I have recognized that when my pain skyrockets and I am having high pain level days that I am missing parts of conversations and I find myself lost as to what is going on. It is so hard to think through the pain. Then I turn hyper vigilant and think people are making fun of me or fucking with me. I am learning how to communicate properly again. This is hard guys.
P0kemama
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Hi Friends,
Happy Memorial Day! Squeaky... congrats on all the hard work on successfully tapering off the benzos... wow! And, I had to giggle when I read your post about going back to the beginning of the thread... I think you were very mindful when sharing... I think I was such a whiny chatterbox, lol. But, I had to process about everything i was going through.. it was so helpful. Isolating is not good for me at all. Yes, you know how I could not taper off of opiates, no matter how many times I tried... it was the nature of the beast, I guess. If I felt good, I knew I would feel better if I took a little more, and if I felt bad, taking some would make me feel better. It would have been so much easier on my body if I had tapered slowly... instead I cut my intake by 75% and was sick for awhile. Oh well, water under the bridge. We all have our own paths on this journey... but how nice to have kindred souls to discuss this with. I know how hard you worked at tapering off of oxy, Squeaky, and you would get down to a manageable level, and then... our little addict mind tricks us and back we go. I am always here cheering you on!
Squeaky
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Thank you for the support Poke and PainfulOne. I have tried to avoid becoming someone who blogs, or posts, or does anything like that on the internet. Ever since the internet was developed (yes I am old enough to remember the days of 5 tv channels, no cell phones, no computers, etc.), I have always felt it was better to be outside getting dirty than to be inside in front of a screen. HOWEVER..... I have really enjoyed sharing my experiences. I feel like I have helped a few folks along the way. And I have definitely benefited from the information everyone has given me here on Bluelight.
Poke you are so right. To feel well means oxy would work really good right then. To feel bad means oxy would do what it was designed for right then. My latest plan is to ignore those little voices rationalizing taking pills, even when it is actually rational to take them. Its another plan in a long list of plans that will likely fail. At least now I have Loperamide. And I know that plan works!!!
Poke you are so right. To feel well means oxy would work really good right then. To feel bad means oxy would do what it was designed for right then. My latest plan is to ignore those little voices rationalizing taking pills, even when it is actually rational to take them. Its another plan in a long list of plans that will likely fail. At least now I have Loperamide. And I know that plan works!!!
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