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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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I am getting back to normal I mean I pretty much worked full time this week just need to get a little healthier. I don't have my healthy habits back quite yet I will still skip meals and stuff or stay up until sunrise. I am not quite plugged back into society yet but I also tripped for 3 months straight at the end of last year I should chill out a bit. The depression, anxiety, girl problems and inability to concentrate etc are natural. Been getting stressed lately due to normal things that would make me stressed.
 
I am definitely addicted to weed. I don't know what to say I can't for the life of me quit. At this point I am okay with that. I get withdrawal from it as I have been smoking for 15 years pretty much non stop all day every day. It's my vice, forever. Sometimes it costs me a lot of money but I just hit the bong after smoking joints all week and I'm overly high off like .2... still smoked .5 so far haha I'll hit a gram I took a lot o xanax to catch up on sleep today anyway.

Benzos I need to hold off on for now. My life is improving from being clean from opiates and once I'm more stable I can deal with that. I am putting that off I'll have a damn heart attack from all the stress!

I am out of coffee just had my last 4 evening cups :_( I will have to get more asap. Blonde roast of course I like my french press but nothin like them espressos.

I lost my compass to baseline. I wouldn't know where to start apart from improving my life and making an effort. In terms of my brain baseline isn't a reality anymore.
 
the weed thing is crazy I've been smoking hyper potent bc hybrid bud for so many years non stop, ounces a week as much as I can get. When I had money before my injury and a house, girl etc. I would volcano like 10 grams a day. At this point I literally cannot eat food without it. It is insane, and I need to be keeping healthy at the moment so it is infeasible for me to go through such extreme stress. And yes this is definitely an addiction with withdrawal symptoms, cravings and all. I crave weed way more than opiates in fact, I resent opiates though. I love chron and hitting the bong! I don't care that I'm addicted it's legal here anyway and I'm a medical patient so I can even grow if I get my shit together legally, and a large number of plants. I have too much social anxiety without pot I don't like getting hysteric like that it mellows me out. I can't see myself ever quitting. I can't sleep for weeks if I were to quit as well and would my anxiety would only get worse from the extreme stress of not having it. I quit for three years and it took at least a year to a year and a half before I was good. Now I'm a stoner again as I have been using it for opiate withdrawal symptoms. It is good that I am reducing my risk of relapse as the herb helps keep my head on my shoulders, I get manic without it.
 
You should be growing Shroomi! Everything you said about essential oils and nature walks..... You would be a super farmer brother. Imagine the conversation starter that would be at the dispensary. Imagine all the women who smoke, who would be interested in seeing your plants. You would save so much money.
Could you do that where you live? Even one plant in a large pot would be really great for you. There us so much to learn about growing. Maybe grow indoors with some special lighting? You seem like the type to stay up all night reading about it, them stay up all day building it.
 
Billy123- stick with it. You have friends here. I think a few of us are counting on you to make it so that we can have some hope for ourselves.
 
ShroomySatori said:
the weed thing is crazy I've been smoking hyper potent bc hybrid bud for so many years non stop, ounces a week as much as I can get. When I had money before my injury and a house, girl etc. I would volcano like 10 grams a day. At this point I literally cannot eat food without it. It is insane, and I need to be keeping healthy at the moment so it is infeasible for me to go through such extreme stress. And yes this is definitely an addiction with withdrawal symptoms, cravings and all. I crave weed way more than opiates in fact, I resent opiates though. I love chron and hitting the bong! I don't care that I'm addicted it's legal here anyway and I'm a medical patient so I can even grow if I get my shit together legally, and a large number of plants. I have too much social anxiety without pot I don't like getting hysteric like that it mellows me out. I can't see myself ever quitting. I can't sleep for weeks if I were to quit as well and would my anxiety would only get worse from the extreme stress of not having it. I quit for three years and it took at least a year to a year and a half before I was good. Now I'm a stoner again as I have been using it for opiate withdrawal symptoms. It is good that I am reducing my risk of relapse as the herb helps keep my head on my shoulders, I get manic without it.
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To be completely honest, I'm jealous. From age 16 - 20 I was a heavy daily smoker, and absolutely adored weed. However, I got depressed and had my first experience of weed "turning" on me. Smoking became a hellishly introspective depressed nightmare and just made me focus on my flaws. I got better, and weed got better again. Then, I became an opiate addict. Since then, whenever I smoked I would be instantly back to the most horrible, negative, depressed headspace, just obsessing over my flaws and shortcomings, like a bad acid trip. I haven't touched it for years but am thinking of trying it again - if I could go back to how weed used to effect me, I'd probably be smoking daily as well, but I'm terrified because of the memories of just how dark it has been.

The 8mg of subutex is working really well. Today is the 5th day clean, and I'm not even thinking about heroin. It's so weird how effectively it kills cravings for me. Sometimes I have a general urge to get fucked up, but its not even opioid-specific. However, the trade-off is that this dose of subutex leaves me with less energy - I have to really force myself to do what I need to, but its tolerable and a damn sight better than injecting heroin and crack like I was this time last week. Feeling really positive today! Hows's everyone else?
 
Squeaky, I am pretty much an expert with a legal license to grow a lot of plants for my medical conditions. I am just not in a position to finance it right now or I would be growing the max number of allowed plants. I should have my life in order, before doing that as it has to be high grade indoor for me. It's a wonderful idea though, I can't wait to make it happen. however I am also looking at this being a technical related field as pot is legal here.

I am good, but today was a little hazy. And yes I love cannabis both recreationally and medicinally. I had to quit for 3 years in line with the onset of my panic disorder as a pinch of herb would set me off into a total freakout. I started smoking again when I started to try kicking oxy and kept smoking as I continued to use. I found that it made me not like H so much, that I wouldn't use it as much as the pills.

It is worth experimenting with these days due to all the strains. I have two right now. One is so purple it is almost black (black amnesia haze) and is an 80/20 sativa dominant. Painful One you might like that one i think you said you like sativa dom strains. I haven't smoked it yet cause I'm already high on the hyper potent green hybrid I have as well. That was a girl scout cookies cross, gsc is an amazing medical strain and one my provider always carries from patient request.

I get so much enjoyment out of exploring the different weeds and I generally use it for depression. I think there was a study done that showed a little weed increased serotonin levels but a lot of weed lowered them. That might make sense since I can't smoke too much weed or it becomes counterproductive and can become too sedating. If anything, lethargy would be the primary side effect of smoking too much pot for me.

Definitely has helped me get and stay clean for 6 months, I haven't really had any cravings for opiates at all. I resent what happened too much and why subject myself to that miserable experience of withdrawal again and again. It got so damn bad compared to what it first was I could not believe it. Figured the withdrawal would stay relatively constant but in and out of sickness starts to fuck my head up I found.

I was definitely happy when I learned that I could in fact smoke pot again without having a panic attack. Never had luck with buprenorphine and at this point I should probably stick to what I'm doing as it seems to be working.
 
I am feeling positive as well. Weed is allowing me to channel addictive tendencies into something less harmful. That blackish / purple caked weed is so damn good and really smooth on the lungs, as smooth as a good hash really. I sense it contains a significant amount of terpinolene, as it has a peppery aroma. I'd like to look into that as a career option and I should really soon.

That weed is really sativa-esque. I'm having abstract thoughts and going off on tangents. So relaxing too. I definitely enjoy doing this and they are hiring so I should look into that. I need to find my place in society and I am pretty much a cannabis expert, why not combine that with technical skills and create dank grow ops for the recreational shops.
 
I found a few new things that really help with pain, anxiety, withdrawal, etc....

1- sleepy time tea- this stuff is fantastic! It has some kind of effect where it relaxes your whole body starting in your stomach and spreads out clear down to your toes and gives a feeling of well being. Tastes and smells lovely and is natural! I feel it more than taking a clonazepam.
Also, calms your stomach down and gives such a warm, awesome feeling.
I get a lot of pain in my feet and especially my toes and this sleepy time tea actually completely wipes away the foot/toes pain!

2- edible medical marijuana mints! These things are great! I'm also going to be trying some topical stuff that numbs and helps pain right on the contact area. My boyfriend says it is awesome. I will get the name of it after I give it a try myself and report back on the effects. It sounds like a great remedy for my leg pain! Spot treatment for back pain and migraine headaches also with a kick!

3- bedtime stories. I know this one sounds kind of strange but books are magical and we have found that reading bedtime stories to one another just helps in amazing ways. The sleepy time tea with a few bedtime stories is guaranteed sleep and relaxation! Pick some fun, light hearted stuff.
 
I got my script a week ago and as I predicted.... been using a LOT. Today I start trying to switch over to Loperamide again before running out if oxy again.
 
I am experiencing anxiety due to having surgery scheduled tomorrow. I haven't had surgery since I was 4 years old and got my tonsils out, and I find this to be very fear provoking.
I am hopeful I will be out of hospital by day's end... only if things go smoothly without a hitch. I will probably be prescribed pain medication... I am thinking 5 mg oxycodone... maybe 10 pills max. I will have my adult daughter at my home so that I take pills as prescribed; either they will work great because I have been clean so long, or they won't, because the dose is so low. Honestly, the thought of being able to take pain meds again, legitimately, is the only thought that calms down my anxiety. I am so afraid the surgeon will mess me up. However, insurance wise, and timing wise, this is the exact right time to have this surgery done... putting it off would be foolish.
 
Good luck Poke and I hope your surgery is a success and you heal well. After a surgery you will def need real pain relief don't feel guilty about that but do t enjoy it too much . Keep us updated.


I'm down to 10 mg a day , I take at night so I can sleep , getting pretty restless during the day but my morning sickness is getting less so I'm on the right track .

Damn squeaky why you do this to yourself every month ? Can't your wife help you ration out your pills? I know the lope helps but it's just not good for you as a long term every month type thing .
 
Good luck Pokemama! Don't worry, you will do just fine. If you think you will only be given ten pills, it must be fairly minor and you will be home before you know it. I understand that surgery is scary. You have a right to be nervous. Ask them for a Valium or something if you need to. Praying for you. God bless.

Good to hear you are already down to 10 mg a day Larimar! That is great! Sorry about the morning sickness. I feel for you on that. I had that bad too. You could ask for some phenergen to help with nausea. That would also help you sleep or calm you during the day and helps for opiate withdrawals. I'm sure your doctor would give you some. The morning sickness went away for me after the first few months. Hope it goes that way for you too. Sounds like your family is really excited about it! How cool would it be to have a little boy?! I am hoping for that for you! Take care.

Take care guys!
Sending you all some love!
❤️
 
Poke- you will be fine. The hard part in your situation is self control. You have someone you can trust in charge of that. Your cravings will come back, but it shouldnt be too bad. And you have your daughter watching out for you. Just remember to be honest with her about your pain.
We are all very good at lying about our pain in order to get more pills. I remember hearing Danny Bonaduce (child actor who grew up to be a radio personality in Los Angeles in the early 2000s) talking about his alcoholism and what he did when he decided he truly wanted to get sober. He told his wife EVERYTHING. All his tricks. All of his ways if hiding his drinking. Every hiding place for his booze. Etc etc etc... It made it impossible for him to trick her and hide his drinking ever again.
If you are really worried about getting hooked, maybe just give your daughter some strict instructions regarding your pills so you dont have the opportunity to lie and get more? Thats what I would do if I had someone I could lean on to keep me straight. Thats what they did to me in the hospital after every one if my surgeries. I couldnt have my next dose of pain medication even one second too soon.
Having said that...... I always say get the most pills you can. If your surgery goes really bad you will be glad you have them. You could give your daughter instructions to dispose of them when you dont need them anymore, My first surgery the Dr was a douche. Thank God I had saved lots of Hydrocodone because he refused to prescribe enough and I had to wait 4 days before I could get an appointment with my family Dr to get more.

Larimar- you are right, buy my wife doesnt want to be involved with my pills. I am on my own. She has been awesome with everything else, so I dont dare ask her to help with this too.
 
Tomorrow. Its the busiest day of the year.
Tomorrow is the day every diet starts. Its the day everyone will stop drinking. Its the day every employee will ask for a raise, or a promotion. Tomorrow is when your brother will start writing that novel, and when the government will agree on a plan to balance the budget.

Today was not good. This is the day I failed again at quitting. Today I took more than ever. I was happy, but only because of the drugs. Today makes me sad because it is yet another day of failure. Today was not a good day, the same as yesterday, and the day before, and so on.

And so on for a couple of years now. Sprinkled in with legitimate pain, and serious surgeries. Stress and screws. Disability and fear of losing my job. So many pills. Thousands for sure.

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will quit. I have become very skilled at saying those words. Not aloud. Only to myself. I dont say it out loud for fear someone might hear me. I fear someone might hear and want to help. Somehow I seem not to want to quit.

But tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will quit.
 
Squeaky dude don't put yourself through it too many times you'll lose part of your sanity. Man it's not a failure. I'm at 6 months I haven't really done anything yet I'm still in a total daze about what happened and there is pressure from all around. Try not to put yourself through the withdrawal unless you can 100% like commit to it somehow. I was for example, flat broke from itand pretty much forced to stop for a while, then I lost interest as I felt I had suffered enough. Then I had slips hear and there that nearly killed me at normal doses (to me) like 160mg oxy so I am scared of the stuff now. Good luck to ya

I have been okay with the benzos lately alprazolam is anxiety relieving and all but it's way too sedating to function on. So I am adjusting my dose as well far away from alprazolam for now and not overusing val. Overall it is a better situation. I will be less socially anxious, more physically anxious, far less cloudy in mind in fact stimulated, and it's just better all around for me right now to be using the others. I've been really lazy lately, socially phobic and sleeping a lot compared to being on the short acting benzo I was on before. It has been relaxing, that shit numbs you out and it did at just the right time but it's time to get back to my senses a bit more. Was taking a lot for a few weeks. The study state valium as it builds up will help. I fucked up and took a lot of it at the beginning of the month last time as I like the long lasting effects but I am being more prudent this time. It builds up in the system over time and I will need less of the other.
 
Squeaky said:
Tomorrow. Its the busiest day of the year.

Today was not good. This is the day I failed again at quitting. Today I took more than ever. I was happy, but only because of the drugs. Today makes me sad because it is yet another day of failure. Today was not a good day, the same as yesterday, and the day before[.]

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will quit. I have become very skilled at saying those words. Not aloud. Only to myself. I dont say it out loud for fear someone might hear me. I fear someone might hear and want to help. Somehow I seem not to want to quit.

But tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will quit.
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Bravo Squeaky! You have captured the essence of what a day in the life is like.
 
Squeaky said:
Tomorrow. Its the busiest day of the year.
Tomorrow is the day every diet starts. Its the day everyone will stop drinking. Its the day every employee will ask for a raise, or a promotion. Tomorrow is when your brother will start writing that novel, and when the government will agree on a plan to balance the budget.

Today was not good. This is the day I failed again at quitting. Today I took more than ever. I was happy, but only because of the drugs. Today makes me sad because it is yet another day of failure. Today was not a good day, the same as yesterday, and the day before, and so on.

And so on for a couple of years now. Sprinkled in with legitimate pain, and serious surgeries. Stress and screws. Disability and fear of losing my job. So many pills. Thousands for sure.

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will quit. I have become very skilled at saying those words. Not aloud. Only to myself. I dont say it out loud for fear someone might hear me. I fear someone might hear and want to help. Somehow I seem not to want to quit.

But tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will quit.
Click to expand...

Excellent post. I hope you get back in the saddle and try again. In the past week I've finally stopped saying tomorrow and started saying today, writing a to-do list and holding myself accountable and ensuring I do all in my power to accomplish those things. The results have far surpassed what I even dared to hope. I'm 7 days into my bupe treatment and feel great. The discipline I'm building is propelling me forward, and my junkie life already feels like months and months ago.

We can all make it. We have a lot to be happy for. We are alive. We are healthy (mostly). We still have time & chances to free ourselves from addiction and make the life we want to make, which is more than 99% of addicts who've ever lived can say. We live in a time of unparallelled access to addiction treatment, and the growing understanding and sympathy towards our condition. 50 or 100 years ago we'd be branded as morally deficient scum and receive not a fraction of what we can get today. We can all keep pressing on. We have to believe in the people we want to become, and everyday get a step closer to shaping ourselves from the messes we are/were into our own inspiration, and help eachother along the way. Only us addicts can understand addicts, and we know it's not an easy road, but again:

We can all do this!
 
Addiction is a symptom to me for something I am unable to ever get over. I have allowed my emotions to ruin my life. It has nothing to do with drugs. That is just one way I hurt myself and effectively at that, compared to cutting my arms that just heal into scars. My brain on the other hand is toast. I never was all that bright to begin with and always ugly as fuck. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore or what fucking language I'm speaking in and if it's to myself or other people who are manifestations of my self or the universal mind... sigh. I've been over it a million times, getting into the quantum physics of why girls have never liked me. That's just a fact, it has bee 15 years of this shit and I wish to die now as I didn't view my life turning out that way and to me, it is a terrible pain to be alone for that long. There were a few good years but mostly I was in a chronic state of negativity. I hate myself for it and I have no problem blowing my brains out. The prospect of what comes next is exciting to me but also makes me nervous a little. Since I know my life was a waste. Well, I wanted to take a girl to a fucking movie on Friday night and I could never do normal stuff like that. I am disconnected completely, entirely from the other half of my species so it is no god damned wonder that I'm not going to be around for much longer. I'm doing heroin again for the hell of it. My back hurts like hell sometimes my heart is fucking broken. Broken beyond repar and I do not accept this. I deserve to slit my wrists for being such a fucking dumbass I could have had it all I need a girl tho at some point and it has been way too long waiting. It's a damn shame I have to end my life.
Not today, mind you, I have plenty of alprazolam and etizolam to combo. The ritz is euphoric and the xan is physically sedating. I haven't done any opiate yet and I'd be way better off abusing them but being on such high doses of benzos and not knowing my tolerance would be a death wish. Nothing is happening and I could give a fuck less if I'm alive or dead though so it just doesn't matter anymore. I resign from life. Fuck that stupid fucking trap I'm god damned trapped in it's not even the drugs I've been escaping for this fucking trap, I feel like people in my life try and fucking suffocate my and my brain is just so fried no there isn't any god damned way out. I'm done. I made this decision a long time ago I just figured, like kurt cobain, that if I'm going to do this to kill myself then I should take some drugs. Well I've sort of reached the end of the line with those.
 
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Big hugs to you Shroomy. I'm sorry you are feeling this way right now. These feelings will pass. You are getting more connected and making huge progress though I know at times it is very, very hard to see. Others see it very much. Know that. Take comfort in that knowledge.

I thought my brain was permanently fucked. I seriously have been so retarded (no disrespect meant to anyone, just me using a sarcastic sense of humor) for many years now. I have come to find that I can do things and my abilities are still there! It takes a little work and is super hard to get through things like crossword puzzles and speech therapy etc. but I am finding that I am not permanently brain damaged, head injured. All my skills are still there, just lying dormant, but with a little work, I am building them back up and I am finding that I am just as good as I ever was in areas I thought were destroyed forever. There is hope! Believe it!

You CAN do anything you want to! It may be very hard and cause a lot of discomfort and anxiety to get through the first few times but if you just force yourself through it despite the discomfort, I know you will all of a sudden find things like- hey, I am actually enjoying a movie with a girl and I'm not feeling extreme panic and discomfort anymore in that area. Trust me on this bro!
 
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