I'm rebuilding a social life too and that is really so important because a lot of the reason I use is that I am lonely. Not enough friends these days so I need to make new ones. My brother is my best friend and a fellow amazing musician. I don't exchange I love you's every time we chill with any of my other male friends lol but he's my little bro! Love the guy and he's always encouraging me to keep clean without being scolding about it (and the only one in my family who knows anything apart from that I've been trying to quit my oxy script used as prescribed).
All his friends are arts type creative people and I have been really enjoying getting to know them too and it's nice to be around youth (I always just say I'm 5 years younger than I am, because that is where I feel I'm at in life and my healthy is phenomenal, I do a lot of yoga and I am a vegetarian most of the time). I have some stoner friends to chill with, people with common interests it's nice. I didn't have that a couple months ago. If I have to use a bit while I get my shit together (I haven't even worked in a year) then so be it. The chronic pain in itself is extremely hard to deal with - let alone a lot of other things I need to address. Once I have a happier life, staying clean (not getting clean) will be a lot easier and that is the harder part. I feel like I'm getting clean to not stay clean these days and I end up chipping, and it's because I'm very frustrated with where I'm at, but at least I'm not doing heroin anymore and have absolutely no desire too... I am taking less than my prescribed dose of oxycodone per day because I really want to avoid that shit. I'm not getting a counterfeit pill and dying on my bro, and it's still hard to believe I took it to daily habitual intranasal use for years on end. At least I'm not screwing my nose up with oxy's too, I'm just trying to see the positives and that I actually am under a little better control now and with a much lower tolerance than earlier this year.
Destressing really helped my mood today, I was giggling so much last night and even this morning before I smoked too. Just in a good mood, and very mild withdrawals (basic lethargy and restless legs, no suicidal depression I honestly only get that in moderate to intense opiate withdrawal, and it can last a week... extremely dangerous). Didn't really get anything done like I wanted to except a cover letter that was full of fun plays on words and positivity (but I think might have actually be well done). Even if I smoked a few cannons this morning, I love weed it's just nice to take breaks and I don't want to be high all the time.
When I hang out with my younger bro later today for coffee, beer, and sandwiches at a chill coffee shop type spot, that will be my high time today (with oxy's). I like to smoke weed alone for the most part, so that I can play guitar and do yoga or write in my journal; that sort of stuff. I've been doing that this morning, but I'll stop for the rest of the day and have crazy dreams tonight. Not really meant for chilling with someone I have to be a role model to even if weed ain't so bad, we both got the fiend genes and I know he's already experimented with some hard stuff... more than myself at that age. I'll take a coffee over a beer tonight too, to help him realize that we don't really need that since we're best friends. We know things about each other that our parents would kill either of us over and it's dicey and the inside jokes are too funny. Never gotten stoned or anything with him but I probably will one day, but only that and dmt if he is interested. Since DMT is my favourite psychedelic, and would be his too from everything I know about him.
Laughter is lovely medicine. I haven't laughed like that in ages and it really made me realize that I need to lighten up a little, whether I'm high, sober, or withdrawing I should be capable of smiling and laughing. I know that I can control my mind better to avoid those negative feelings, especially i I stay away from hard drugs. You were right dude the coke really fucked my head up for while. The last time I laughed that hard was my friend showed me a little skit called antisocial - an modern dating horror story (it's seriously hilarious on youtube... check it out man guaranteed laughs).
So today I'm getting my guitar practice in, and then socializing with my bro later just us two which I'm really excited about. Life is just too short to have shit like this bring me down so much, even if I got a job at a chill place my life would improve so much. There is so much I need to work on, and I don't think it's the right time to cold turkey opiates. I'm not interested in maintenance therapy, I want to get into a therapist and a psychologist and allow them to help me see what's really going on. It doesn't have to be all serious like that though. When my girl from the summer moved away suddenly, it was heartbreaking to me. I knew it was impossible to work out since she is too far away now and it has made me really depressed. I was really into her and excited, I guess you could sense that. I'm not looking anymore, but if a casual friend comes along for fun, I haven't really had anything other than 3 relationships anyway so I think that would just add to my healthy social life if I could meet a chill girl but not jump into a relationship while I'm still getting well (but still have that kind of healthy fun... haha). It's just not my priority though, but it would be nice and I don't think that will be a problem at all.
I guess this is a social thread too, and being positive about recovery and keeping it in mind whether one is using or not is very important. I find this especially hard with relapses, because they make me feel like I suffered all for nothing but that just isn't true, and it takes a while for debilitating withdrawals to return. So my goal today is to look for work, call back about an interview I am setting up, and just try and enjoy myself and have a pleasant day. I can't be miserable and squander my potential, so of these mind tricks and flaws I need to let go of are worse than the oxy itself and fuelling my drug use. I'm lucky to be alive after sniffing so much H over five year and many other opiates, and experimenting with iv use this year. I don't think I could abuse myself like that again. Oxy is one thing and I'm not saying it's good, but it is certainly safer since I get my meds from the legal pushers... my good old doc.
Have a good one man, I'm going to have a coffee and start guitar practice soon while cross-legged on my meditation cushion (this is actually a hilarious way of slowly getting into lotus position, since after jamming for an hour and allowing gravity to do its thing as opposed to resisting the energy, I'm getting really flexible that way, it's nice. So yeah Have a good one! I'm really trying to keep positive but it's tough sometimes. I just know I am so much better than this and I don't mean the drugs, I mean what I am capable of with or without drugs. There is a deep, dark depression that is locking up my potential and I need to see the light of life through my eyes like I once did. Getting out and making new friends is really helping, I'm not the type of person that can be socially isolated. It's nice to talk to cute women too even if there's way too much for a relationship going on at the moment, I'm really excited for tonight. My bro as an artist always knows the chillest spots for this kind of thing and have some films we both watched to discuss. Should be wonderful.
Have a good day!
Regarding ibogaine bringing up memories, it's well-known to do that, to have you confront your past. However, in a flood dose, almost everyone reports that it's handled in a loving way. It's important that you bring up and address and resolve those memories probably, to your getting healthier mentally and resolving some issues. Therapy can do this, and so can ibogaine.
