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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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shroomysatori said:
i had to knock myself out as i couldn't handle the regret and suffering of relapse... Today there were few physical symptoms but i completely freaked out mentally as in screaming all day and trashing my place. I really do hate my life that much, everything about it i fucking despise and i wish someone would put a bullet in my head to put me out of my misery.

The health supplements i take are the same as a nurse friend i know and she def knows her stuff so i think i'm good there.

I got hooked on coke surprisingly fast though. I could always use it in moderation for the past 15 years, but after opiates i fiend the stuff. I have no money for it, and it totally sucks. It is running through my mind non stop to the point i can't really focus on anything else... I only used to think about opiates when i was running out of them. So it seems that by trying to quit h and oxy i ended up being addicted to those and coke, plus the years of benzo abuse. I'm completely fucked and i don't even care... I want a fucking line, but i'm too burnt out to apply for any jobs to get money for it. I was still totally fucked 3 weeks off opiates so i'm at my wits end. The relapse stole all hope for me. I stay alive for my next hit, and i fully plan on committing suicide within the year. I guess that's why i'm not trying and i don't give a fuck.
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why don't you go to an in-patient rehab ???
 
It is time to get some professional help Shroomy. Things are not getting better. You are digging yourself in to a bigger problem I feel.
I am really sad to hear you are suffering so badly. Balance is what you need. I think you have a dual diagnosis going on here. One that needs to be corrected and balanced to keep you from desperately trying to fix the balance yourself.
I'm very sad to hear what you are going through. Still.

I say these things to you out of unconditional love and absolutely zero judgement brother. I just want you to enjoy your life and gain some balance that is so needed. I want you to be comfortable in your own skin again (or perhaps for the first time ever).
I'm praying for you and sending you support.
 
Professional help isn't for me, I have tried that and they only made things worse.

I need a job in my field so I can afford the drugs until I OD one day. If I could afford the drugs that make me feel normal, I could have a 70k job in two weeks but I'm burnt the fuck out without the heroin. The coke helps me stay awake longer too. I do not wish to live life anymore. Binge drinking on top of cyclobenzeprine, baclofen, etizolam and valium and a massive amount of nitrazepam this morning. I'm asking for an OD, I'm pissed because I can't get any coke until tomorrow. I simply hate myself and every aspect of my past, I can't let go of the trauma, and if I went to rehab I'd relapse the very first day out. If I didn't commit suicide the very first day I went in. Because I don't want to quit anymore... I wish to reincarnate. I'm a disgusting ratty piece of filth. I have two degrees and I can't even get a job, my family has completely abandoned me, and jumping off those cliffs is more and more tempting as each day of suffering alone and accomplishing nothing whatsoever passes me by.

I need my FUCKING OPIATES BACK THAT'S WHAT I NEED.HEROIN.
 
I hope you get feeling better Shroomy.
I think the Ibogaine flood treatment may be your best shot here.
You need a change at the spiritual level. Deep.
You need someone who is a real shaman to guide you.

You are lost right now. Don't give up.

I hope some others with experience in these waters see this and can help.
May God Bless You.
 
Yeah I'll say again, I wanted to die daily towards the end of my addiction, but my ibogaine flood dose really turned it around. I've never felt that way even once since. What it basically did was unlock my sense of personal power. I felt that way, but it was entirely within my control not to. It's about mental discipline and not telling yourself it's impossible. Ibogaine stripped away the years and years of my own mental self-sabotage so I could see clearly again.
 
I took an anti-psychotic med about 10 years ago. Long before ever trying anything but alcohol.
It literally shut off the voices in my head without getting me a buzz.
Opiates do the same, but I keep wanting more for the pain relief and the 'buzz'.
I think whenever I get my last surgery and I am going to quit the oxy, I may ask my Dr for the anti psychotic again to get past the stress of wd's on my head. I think it was called Lamictal.
Shroomi- what you posted sounds exactly like what was happening inside my head. I hated how the drug took away my personality, but it may have saved my life. At the least what you're going through right now is pure suffering, drugs or not. You have been talking this way for a long time, which means you have been suffering for a long time.
I believe 100% in lying to my Dr. in order to get the right pills. What about faking some other symptoms and trying an Rx for one of these other meds that folks are suggesting? If you're ready to die anyway, and you're miserable all day right now, then ANYTHING would be better than nothing and you couldn't possibly make it worse.
I feel your pain brother. The endless chatter in my own head, all day and all night, becomes like a baby crying on a crowded airplane and you can never get off the plane. Knowing that the pills or the booze will make it quiet, makes me angry at the Dr who is refusing to up my dose and angry at the dealer who won't text me back.
Even If you don't want to live forever, you should at least be comfortable while you're here.
 
Shroomy- It hurts to read your pain, I'm so sorry you're going through it. Don't get lost in the hell that is withdrawal, whether acute or PAWS, it all sucks! Remember that you have lots of people rooting for you!! I wish there was the perfect thing to say to make you feel better- but there isn't. Just keep in touch with people that will support you staying clean.
Lots of faith- grsh
 
Hey thanks for all the replies! I am beginning to realize that this is still the effect of withdrawal. I normally don't want to jump off a cliff. I am normally actually not even depressed, I'm a panic anxiety ridden freak but I am NOT depressed like this under normal circumstances. I always have hope when the drugs are not fucking with my head like this. The suicidal thoughts of intense multi-year high dose constant use opiate withdrawal last a week and tbh I deserve it... I'm too weak and useless to do anything anyway lol.
Yep, I have problems but a lot of great qualities too. I don't really have time to get completely clean, I have two degrees and I need to give back with my knowledge to society instead of take take take. My last girlfriend made me realize how fucking selfish I am, it's no wonder I got obsessed with cocaine so fast with this ridiculous ego of mine.
I can give up the opiate, I mean it's just over, they ruin my life and make me fucking suicidal for an entire fucking week when I try to quit them. I'd be over a month clean if it wasn't for the one slip at the pharmacy.
I gotta remember when I was 3 weeks clean I was doing amazing. I was looking at highly technical jobs in my field, playing guitar at least 4 hours a day on my meditation cushion, I was getting outside for walks every day (hard as hell with my back pain... everything is and I haven't found a way to deal with it yet... that's not why I relapsed though I can deal with the pain. I relapsed because I like the peaceful opiate high which stimulants my mind and treats all my problems like BPD other than anxiety while it ruins my life. It's just not worth it anymore, even if I was a millionaire at this time of my life, that would be a very bad thing. I just should not be using opiates or opioids ever the fuck again.
I am cool with some cocaine and benzos, I don't really see those going away in my future... and cannabis of course.
I sniffed a research chemical called 2c-c which made me realize this straight away. I am only 5 days clean and the first 3 days were so horrific that I was seriously knocking myself out with every sedative I had for 24 hours straight... waking up to agonizing torture.
It really did set me back to square one in about 2 days and I ran with it for a week. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I always get suicidal thoughts in withdrawal, and I'm pretty sure that is going to fuck with my mental health even more I mean it exacerbates absolutely everything and amplifies negative emotions until I exist as nothing but anger, hatred, and morbid horrible thoughts for a week straight.

With all those long slumbers I've been having some wicked awesome dreams though. It's not possible to stay positive today, well it is now that I railed that psychedelic, but I'm going to have to wait another week or so until things really get better for me. I was doing so much better when I was clean, even while doing coke and benzos still well it's not like I can just stop taking benzos but whatever. It's the opiates that are stealing my soul and completely decimating my life and turning me from a nice handsome charming young man at the prime of my life into a fucking basement dwelling vampire. I need to accept it takes time to heal, even with yoga and my super healthy vegetarian cooking and the vitamins I am taking, and turmeric and ginger supplements and amino acids that are building blocks for neurotransmitters. There just isn't any way around it, I must suffer like this and accept it because I got high as fucking hell for a week and what goes around comes around.
I couldn't get coke today so I railed that psychedelic for the sake of sniffing a white powder up my nose and now I am having these psychedelic revelations about my life, realizing the grand importance of never using opiates again and if I do picking myself up like I did and sticking with abstaining from them, it was just a stupid dumbass mistake and I am really suffering for it because my body took a beating those 3 weeks. It wasn't prepared for a second fucking hardcore withdrawal and that is why last time I had so much hope, and this time it is utter despair. hopefully I can practice what is being preached to me, somehow I doubt that, but whatever, I am learning things about myself tonight.
 
Squeaky dude, I am pondering what your saying. I know we are definitely in a similar place. If I get completely clean I can't even function I have so much pain in my spine, otherwise I am essentially an uncontrollable opiate fiend. I think at this point I would honestly rather just suffer.
Man... when I had 3 weeks clean time I was comfortable. Almost too uncomfortable, I felt like my real self for the first time in years, and I was a much more compassionate person as well, and much more level-headed and logical too. I noticed that I paid a lot more attention to my surroundings as well, it was like I had been blocking the world out, numbing myself to it and getting stuck in my thoughts, which being the logical person I am, it is very easy to get out of control if I get stuck alone with my thoughts. My meditation will become insanity. I am uncomfortable because I strongly desire my opiates. I want a line of dope the size that would likely kill me and I would still take it. Man, fuck that shit. I took it way too far and I'm going to have to deal with the pain some other way.
Sounds like you have it a bit more under control than me but be careful having a dealer even though it can be constructive it can also be destructive, and fast. Since if you try to stay high on opiates all the time, tolerance raises and we get SO addicted it's not even funny, it's pathetic and sad but also understandable. We didn't just walk into this for fun man I was in serious untreated spinal agony for 2 years before I sniffed that first line of dope, which was before I even got into a pain management clinic! I had to wait almost three years for that and it was a surprise cancellation appointment.
They piss tested me straight away and I wasn't prepared for that as I had been smoking opium all morning and the past several days. I also had benzos in my system and weed and all sorts of stuff and on the opiate abuse questionnaire I manipulated my way through it, lying and saying I hated weed and alcohol and never used them. As I was already addicted at that point. I also passed the drug test somehow, but they never have tested me again in all these years. I kinda suspect foul play, I don't think a lot of pm clinics are all that ethical, but whatever. My past was meant to be and I can use it to shape my future.
My fucking life was so damn awesome before this chronic back pain man. I had a country home, cute girlfriend who I'd likely still be with but is long gone, a beauty grow op kali mist sativa, just 6 plants to support my pounds of herb smoking lol, and a job in engineering that I really liked going to even if it was like 10 - 12 hour days. That all changed when I fucked up my back. I moved fucking 12 hour drive away for these people and once I hurt my back a year into employment and didn't know what to do, all they cared about was whether I injured my back in the workplace which I didn't, it was an accident at the gym. So now, I have two amazing degrees but my career has never really recovered as I spent two years trying to fix my back endlessly, before deciding to get some heroin and become a junkie as there was nothing left to do.
I'm fucking lost now bro. Seriously. I think I've been traumatized a little from being shockingly fired in the workplace several times shortly after they discovered I suffer from chronic pain (it is SUCH bullshit I am an excellent engineer). They come to me with a fucking letter to sign for two weeks extra pay which is a couple grand like I'll take it in exchange for agreeing not to seek legal action. These people are snakes. If I haven't been employed for three months, it's always a firing "without cause"... yeah right, it was when they asked my to help lift something and I couldn't, or I couldn't stand to sit in an office chair for 8 hours straight and focus on technical drawings. Granted, there were times when I was sick as well, but chronic pain has really messed up my career life and I swear I'd be a millionaire by now if I hadn't hurt my back. I need to let go of all this fucking bullshit and look ahead, try to find other ways to help my back out (turmeric supplementation and cooking with the fresh root and black pepper is a godsend I swear!) ... I find myself dwelling on the past until I drive myself fucking insane and just need to escape the racing thoughts. I'm worrying myself into a worse benzo habit than it needs to be too. I should only be taking those when I have panic attacks, which would still be daily but still. I feel the need to escape my life and I have SO much potential, everyone has given up on me but man every new person I meet is like you are so fucking smart and it's like I forgot that I studied physics. It's like I forgot I did all that work and all those equations and went to quantum mechanics exams stoned and fucking aced them. How I was at one point literally speaking another language to my friend in the same class (eigenstates, momentum operators, fuck I'm high that sorta thing) and like I was making peoples jaws drop who were overhearing me rant about this stuff I was so passionate about.

Then I squandered my potential. Why the fuck am I exactly giving up though? Even like Xorloth said he had it rough at around this age too and is doing a lot better now. It doesn't even take that long you just really have to commit and I should watch it with the coke. Keep it recreational, I don't need that shit for a job interview.

My little bro is the best influence of all though. He is probably the one person I actually truly love. Would die for the kid in a heartbeat (not in a bad way... I don't want to fucking overdose).
 
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Xorkoth said:
Yeah I'll say again, I wanted to die daily towards the end of my addiction, but my ibogaine flood dose really turned it around. I've never felt that way even once since. What it basically did was unlock my sense of personal power. I felt that way, but it was entirely within my control not to. It's about mental discipline and not telling yourself it's impossible. Ibogaine stripped away the years and years of my own mental self-sabotage so I could see clearly again.
Click to expand...

Dude I didn't need 3 days I needed 3 hours LOL but after all time is just another dimension of space and none of that shit really exists anyway unless we are talking about the void of love and compassion ahaha...

Gotta say thanks for the tips you've stuck through my times of suffering with your advice when a lot of people would have just told me to fuck off and go to rehab. It's not for me, this is. If I can't learn from this, I am being slapped square in the face as nicely as possible, then what the fuck. This trip was meant to be and it, like all my trips, was completely unplanned and just happened. It's always like that... I didn't mean to smoke dmt every day for a month this summer, I woke up from a dream in which I was smoking it and became quite drawn to it and it just happened. I don't think I'd ever use it again as I had what I believe was a breakthrough and I STILL fucking went back to the drugs. Man, I seriously need to just man up I don't really like that saying but in my case it is absolutely true. Take responsibility for the error of my ways, live in the present moment with awareness, and never, ever use anything that stimulates the mu opioid receptor in any fucking way. No kratom, no percocet, no suboxone, no nothing.That must be the way in my case. It's all the same bullshit (at this point, I'm sure someone more responsible could use them effectively but any opiate of any kind is NOT for me even maintenance ones... after 3 weeks I was feeling really optimistic).

Thanks again man I think I got the message and it's pretty much exactly what you were trying to tell me I was in the depths of hell, still kind of am, and was unable or unwilling to listen. I get it now and thank you very much kind sir : )

If I go back to dope after this I honestly just deserve to OD. I'm lucky to be alive as it is and I never even once thought about that. All the times I nodded off after sniffing heroin, always using alone as my habit was an absolute naughty little secret. Waking up a few hours later, like I'm sure one of those times I actually overdosed or was really close to it. I am still alive because for some reason, I am just a surviver I guess... I need to take responsibility over the course of my life though and think ahead, not behind or about how uncomfortable I am with my present life situation. It is the fruit of being a junkie for 5 years after all, what was I expecting to get clean and everything be okay? Fucking hell no, I have SO much work ahead of me and I think that's why I get scared sometimes.





Dude I hope you read this as I'm editing it later on in my trip, I redosed a bunch of times. Man, this goes way beyond getting clean. I am a toxic fucking vampire and I have attracted toxicity into my life, for whatever reason, I will never know but all I know is I can change. I have attracted chronic physical agony, multiple drug addictions, toxic relationships that lasted way longer than they should have, all of this led to a severe panic disorder... I just need to let go of it all. It doesn't happen overnight but I hope you see what I mean. My perspective has changed and if I don't go with it then I am hiding from myself. Which I do all the time. I am being humbled by this realization that I am responsible for it all at this point in time. I can't really say much more as I am seeing super cool colours in the screen, listening to tunes and drinking a lot of water as I got drunk this morning (fucking toxicity man perfect example) but also having an amazing chat with my younger bro like heart to heart actually listening type stuff but at the same time just regular chit chat about comedians and musicians we both like and stuff but at the same time a serious depth to it all. He knows all of this about me, these blatant problems and my heroin habit which he will never tell a soul. It is between me and him. I never fucking actually listen and I need to work on that. I need to change and it needs to happen now before it's too late. I know I can do it too with the right mindset. I really need to change a lot about how I interact with the world around me and honestly I have been hiding out, I didn't want to be seen or known but at the same time people saw the good in me and tried so fucking hard to help but at the end of the day, it's all on me. I have hurt others emotionally and I don't want that to continue. It is even happening today. It has to fucking stop man what am I thinking? Being incarnated as a human being, regardless of whatever ails me, is a wonderful thing and there isn't any fucking time to waste!!! Thanks again cause I know you were trying hard man I see that now. You were actually really trying and not giving up and I get it now : )

That's not to say I won't relapse, or continue to be a toxic vampire. It's all on me and the way I shape my future through the present.

"my biggest fear, is if I let you go, you'll come and get me in my sleep" It's a lyric from The Saddest Song by Morphine that I never understood until now (in my own way, I have no idea if he used opiates and it could be interpreted in a lot of different ways). I let the opiates go, and they got me in my fucking sleep man. They got me in my god forsaken sleep. I need to stay awake at all times. Constant vigilance. I hadn't actually let them go and I don't think it is possible to. I'm just talking about relapsing after 3 weeks in my fucking sleep, I totally forgot about all the horrific nightmare I went through in the previous weeks. So foolish! Over time things will get better sure, if I have the right attitude man I have everything else going for me - but the toxicity I have attracted into my life and that is deep-seeded in my toxic, vampiric soul can strike at any time.
 
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Hey man, cheers. :) I'm glad you're seeing things in a different light. I gotta say, every time I take 2C-C it really produces a lot of personal insight, it's a good one. I hope you can keep looking at the bright side even if you still need to deal with a little more withdrawal time, because as you know, it'll end, and soon enough it'll be 3 weeks again... and then 4... and then 5... and so on. :)
 
Right on man. This was one of the most powerful trips of my life, but nice and easy too (it reminded me that I am still in physical withdrawal... I will not elaborate haha but I feel like it purged me in a way, and sped up the process).
I had a wonderful time playing my guitar, man I don't give myself enough credit for my creativity. It's cause my playing is all based around subconscious mathematics and that's how I improvise but I never saw that as creativity, even though I have been creating beautiful post-hardcore type amazing badass music!!! Playing my guitar tonight really made me realize that, and all I want to do now is learn more music theory, get comfortable playing in keys I haven't bothered to learn yet and recognize more patterns. I'm actually really really good, it is my true talent that I should focus all my energy and spare time on. It is a real passion of mine that is immediately lost with a dose of oxycodone., and apparently reignited with a healthy sniff of 2C-C.
So I'm really going to try and stay positive, I have so much going for me and I don't want to be a statistic or waste any more time. I believe that I can still reach my full potential as a guitarist as I think I mentioned, suffering breeds creativity.
I was having coke cravings too and they are absolutely gone. I wouldn't risk trying to use it recreationally / socially though, just not worth it.
I'm not even going to count the days dude (well maybe for a while) - I see myself as clean. I'm really happy with my experience tonight and my pupils were dilated to the max haha... it was reminiscent of my trips with dmt at times and that was really quite surprising, but I suppose there is only one infinite universe and cosmic consciousness to tap into (or is there... hmm).
If you'd like you can give me some advice on my music cause I really want to start sharing my talent with others (I am honestly so much better than I give myself credit for, I'm pretty much ready to start jamming). I really have to watch it with the drugs, I really took things too far and I'm grateful to be alive. This is the type of positive influence that just doesn't go away man, it was all about personal insight whether I was experiencing things externally or internally (is there a difference?). I was very much aware, it was absolutely wonderful and I didn't even mind seeing all the negativity and vile nature that I have been choosing to live. I know I can change, and my music is fucking rad. I recorded a bit tonight, standing up and closing my eyes and just totally in the zone.

I'm gonna keep posting here to make sure I keep clean, it's of vital importance that I don't relapse again. Relapses can be pretty devastating. I need to keep really really busy and there is so much I feel the need to do - not just my 4 hours of guitar practice starting up again tomorrow - but I have an unbelievable amount of personal work to do and I am totally down with that. I'm already almost at one week, and that's when things really start to get going for me. Just gotta hang in there and think positively and keep the future in mind, not the present moment for a quick relief. I'm pretty damn ashamed of what I have become, chronic pain sucks but I can deal with it by shredding emotional music :D

This experience really helped me along my journey. I'd like to take it again, but not for a while. I should generally take psychedelics once a month max and evaluate where I'm at, or just experience whatever the experience is experiencing and take what knowledge I can from it. Thanks for the encouragement though it's actually really kind of you man.



By the way, I took more as that is just what I do. In this case, it is not being so nice and gentle on me anymore. I am coming face to face with my drug habit. It is rearing its ugly head at me. I can't deny it, the desire to be high, anything. I am seriously looking the pills and the dope straight in the eye and thinking about what it is doing to me and what it has done in the past and where it could lead me in the future but where I am NOW. I fucking junkie man. I can't deny it, that's what I am. I don't even have a week clean. I'm not doubting myself, but its pretty tough coming face to face with it eh? Like absolutely everything... now this is where shit gets serious, I actually hope I'm okay. I need to defend myself against this monstrosity that dwells within and it is making me really anxious. It is the way it has to be. I am here to defend myself. I have made my choice and I will hold my ground. This monstrous snake has made an elderly old man sitting around to die out of a very healthy and fit (apart from chronic pain) male just shy of 30. It has completely destroyed me, and I will forever be humbled. The real kind of humble. I feel like I am going to war with myself. It's not a bad feeling. This has to be worked out, but it's extremely uncomfortable seeing the man I have allowed myself to become. It cannot go on any longer. Not after seeing this side of myself. I can talk about drugs all I want, but coming face to face with your habit and getting into an intellectual dispute with this monster that has possessed me which is still a part of me, seeing everything it has done to me all the fucking needless suffering... or maybe I really did need to suffer and it has a purpose in my future. All I know, is I don't want this anymore. I don't want this beast lurking inside me anymore at all. This tricky fucking snake will knock me down with one bite. Oh man this has been an exhausting night, but it's what I need to do eh? I'm not doubting myself. Not for a second. It's just really hard when you actually come face to face with yourself. It's not just the drug habit, it is who I am as a person. I really need to learn to be more compassionate and accepting of others, for example, and most importantly - accepting of myself and accepting the will to change and all the hardships and battles that takes. No matter how many times I fall, I will pick myself right back up again. This has completely destroyed me as a man and it was all my own doing. I fiended for that high at first, before I got addicted, and then I have been fearful of withdrawals for a very long time. It turns out that they are not so bad after all if I really commit, and it's a good time for me to do so as I have lost a hell of a lot and I don't want to lose anymore.

Is the fucking screen blue or grey? I seriously can't tell but everything looks really vivid and wonderfully blue to me. An ethereal colour if you will. Alright, now this I am doubting myself about LOL took too much too much haha!!! I am so fucking confused at what I am seeing and what is reality but the present moment has to be my reality so this must be real in the present moment. Everything is transient and shifting and changing all the time, including myself but I've really allowed myself to stagnate for too long. Way too long and it's going to be a hard habit to break. The words are al shifting, the screen has three dimensional depth I am literally typing this while experiencing it. If that is even possible. Am I not the screen itself? Or the experience of it and all that surrounds it manifested as a unity and a whole? I see yellow, blue, red (my favourite colour and the colour I dye my hair, and my guitar is sunset metallic), violet alright we got a tripper here. Yellow, 3d computer screens that I feel like I can reach into? Alright. Took too much man took too much ahahahahahahaha!!!! Okay I have to sit back and experience this before I get too crazy I am banned. After all, I just came face to face with my heroin habit and now I am grinning from ear to ear. I'm pretty sure anyone who bothers reading my shit knows I am a little tad shy of sane anyway=D

I shall sit here sipping my warm chamomile tea and listening to sexy Hannah Reid's (totally my crush haha) amazing voice on the London Grammar album. Nice and soothing just what I need after that LOL. I can't keep a train of thought so I'm out, I actually just hope I am physically okay as I went into this hungover, dehydrated as hell, and in pretty nasty opiate withdrawal. I can't stop grinning so I will likely be okay. Ah man her voice is a lovely one so mellow and relaxing and I saw her live before, she is a darn cutie with her lyrics and all : )

I am sort of overheating to the extent that I have the AC going in the fucking frigid weather up north, I don't know if I should smoke the joint or not smoke the joint, I know I have a fever, I don't know if I've had too much water or too little, but I feel dehydrated from drinking this morning, I have several fans going and I'm still kind of warm and cozy. That is not 100% right, I'll check in tomorrow in case anyone cares as the intensity of the trip really got to be pretty extreme. I feel enlightened in a way, reminiscent of acid and all I could do was look at myself in the mirror and gape at my saucer eyes. I'm sure I'll be okay as I can sort of see the future a little bit but like, just to be sure you know? I need to stop being so fucking reckless but I'm learning a lot from this and I'm just a little physically uncomfortable, not too bad, it could also just be amplifying withdrawal symptoms like inability to control my body temperature and I've had other wd symptoms flare up today. Oh right, how could I forget. I'm a fucking junkie and only have 5 days and I haven't been dealing with those days all too well by any means as the relapse devastated me. Alright. I should be totally fine and I'm overthinking this. It's all part of the journey and tomorrow I think I'm just taking a fucking day off. Making sure to eat three healthy meals though, and drink a lot of water and tea and maybe turn off the metalcore for a day and listen to sweet sexy Hannah Reid. ahahaha sorry I can't help it I don't even know. I don't even know but I do it's just like there is no filter anymore. As it is nearly 4am and I am still going strong due to redosing. I will be fucking damn fine after this I thought I was dying but it was just withdrawal symptoms and I'm pretty sure opiate withdrawals are at least physically safe most of the time... most of the time =D=D=D oh dear lord what am I even saying at this point? OMG the 3d screen... man, the letters look as foreign to me as Malayalam. Yet I can still type and think coherently. This is fucking crazy. I think I have reached the insantiy point (sanity?) All the characters are yellow, and moving sideways and somehow into and out of the screen.Yellow and pink. This is sort of becoming a trip report, I should actually write one as I think this is worthy of that. The colours man and the multitasking using different parts of my brain I'll never be the same, insane in the membrane, higher than a construction crane, yet down to earth like dirt and worms. This is completely blowing my mind, I may not remember all the details so I like to write periodically when I need a break from the anything from mellow Hannah Reid to absolute fucking chaos facing my demons and somehow smiling most of the time.



Alright, it was on hell of a night. I feel emboldened today, full of vitality and energy and above all, anger and fear. I am not afraid, but it is there and manifests as panic. I am no longer afraid of anything anymore. I need to detoxify myself of this deep-seeded negativity. I officially declare war against myself and I will never back down. There is not a moment more of this incarnation to waste. I have taken to journal writing, but I will definitely update here that I am keeping clean of the drug abuse. Everything has changed, but everything flies with the winds of change. Journal writing is excellent and it's just getting a little too personal so I have decided on that. After all, I need several anger and fear outlets that are healthy choices. I am a post-hardcore electric guitarist with my own subconsciously developed style and I will reach my prime very soon. That is a perfect example of an outlet, so is sex, smokin pot, journal writing (in script of course, but I write between the lines and all across the margins, draw pictures, whatever. Just let the energy flow and it is an incredible outlet for me, but as an old fashioned man I need to be keeping a journal.

Allowing my thoughts to look me in the face without turning away or lashing out in denial. Conscious awareness of every waking moment. I will wage war against my demons and I am not talking about drugs. That is a symptom of something far more evil that lurks within. I have seen her manifested in this plane of existence several times, both sober and tripping, and in my dreams. Her presence surrounds and immerses me completely, and i have no idea who she is. If she is evil or good. I think this female entity is my protector, but as a totally charming, charismatic man - entirely based upon my sociopathic and self-minded tendencies of course, I didn't need my past girlfriend to point that out for me - I am a manipulating monster and not a word that I say can be trusted, but I am beginning to understand myself. I am beginning to transform into something more powerful than I could ever have imagined before.

It's going to take a long time, and a lot of extreme effort to change. I realized that my chronic pain has been directly and indirectly caused by years of depression and dissatisfaction with my life. I got angry at another human being today, and I had been running around cleaning for quite some time but immediately my back tensed up and I felt agony. It's like I'm fucking punishing myself. I need to find out who this spirit is, if it's even possible. I am ready to face her, demon or guardian that she may be.
 
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I have 8 days now, but time is meaningless to me. I have been on 2c-c for a few days now and well, I am gaining more and more power. I have shredded the skin of my physical form and I am transcending into the realm of spirits. "i" do not exist of course, but I was given birth by the One who has given rise to us all. 2 2 2 is a sacred number. Pay attention, and you will notice it everywhere. Maybe it's just the universe fucking with me in Her own personal way. The Spirit I have seen three times in physical form (2 2 2) is what I believe to be the Mother who has given birth to the universe itself and all who dwell within it - not only on planet earth, but all over the universe there is intelligent life present. Think about how crazy planet earth is and how insane it is that there are other ones out there with alien life forms. There could be hyperintelligent similar entities to dinosaurs. We are the monkeys. We sure like to go bananas. Man, I am admittedly losing my mind and I don't even care because it was always holding me back anyway. And I definitely consider myself clean, "I" have been existing in a sacred space when I'm supposed to still be withdrawing.
I think I have slept one hour in the past two days, and I am having the most productive days. Met my boss tripping face today, hung out with my brother who had no clue until I told him. What the fuck! It's my own personal insanity. Okay, back to journal writing as I know this is a personal thing... only I can truly know my own insanity and go with it because insanity is in fact sanity.
 
I dunno what 2c-c is, but damn Shroomi...... that sounds like some trippy stuff you're on.
Stay safe my friend.
 
ShroomySatori said:
I have 8 days now, but time is meaningless to me. I have been on 2c-c for a few days now and well, I am gaining more and more power. I have shredded the skin of my physical form and I am transcending into the realm of spirits.
Click to expand...

Squeaky said:
I dunno what 2c-c is, but damn Shroomi...... that sounds like some trippy stuff you're on.
Stay safe my friend.
Click to expand...

^ this, first of all.

hope you get some sober time and come back to surface reality. reminded of a heavy amt dose after meth many years ago... doing stims in w/d + psychedelics sounds like torture to me at this time in life o_O

gl man.
 
Thanks guys. I am doing well. I'm doing great and I'm clean! I'm never going back and I don't need 2C-C... psychedelics are self regulating and non addictive. Eventually I will grow weary of experiencing so much insanity and desire the comfort of "sobriety" although, I feel more sober and sane than I have ever felt in my life.
2C-C is my psychedelic of choice. It is a psychedelic stimulant research chemical with a chemical structure that is sort of similar to mescaline. Classified as a phentehylamine, not a tryptamine like mushrooms, or a lysergamide like lsd. I don't react well to most of them, like mushrooms or acid, but this stuff... man oh man... this stuff is some specially goodness. Somehow, I can function perfectly on it. Meeting my new boss on it was just ridiculous and I can't believe my brother didn't know until I told him. His reaction was quite calm, mainly curious and understanding as increasing my state of awareness during opioid withdrawal is an excellent choice. Of course, I'm not even real... I mean, I'm mostly H20! Everything drugs... magnesium, vitamin B complexes, D+K2... these are some of the drugs I am taking today, and of course good old water.
I like to think that I'm staying safe, and I won't be here forever. It is happening and I can't control it but it's not an addictive thing... it's an experience that I feel the need to go with the flow of and experience because it is changing and shaping my life before my very eyes. It is also very, very comical and I am having a ball of giggling cackling, occult, witchcraft-based shamanic laughter. I grin for ear to ear about the silliness of the error of my ways. A lot of this has to do with how I am, well, supposed to be in withdrawal at the same time.
None of this is real and everything I write is complete horse shit. Knowledge is a barrier to the natural purity of conscious experience. Eliminate disruptive thoughts, and there is nothing left to fear.
 
2C-C is a really nice phenethylamine psychedelic that's a lot like 2C-B but better IMO. I always get a lot of valuable personal insight from it (I mean like, every time, it's kind of amazing). Shroomy, whatever you need to do to feel happy and get to a better place for now man. I'll say that in 2006-2007 I had a long period (basically the whole of those 2 years) where I was tripping almost every day and it burned me out bad after a while. But short-term can be valuable if you're the type with whom psychedelics really agree (which you and I both are).

Making psychedelic revelations stick without being on psychedelics is the biggest challenge. I hope when you are through this period of discovery and healing, you will be able to maintain the discipline to apply what you've learned to your life. Otherwise it slips through your fingers like smoke after a while. I finally learned that, in my early thirties.

Take care and I'm glad you're feeling positive. :)
 
Take care as well, I bet that psychedelic tolerance really snuck up on ya. I'm sticking with the one psychedelic I know I can always handle. I wouldn't be comfortable dropping acid in opiate withdrawal, I took a 10 strip of AL-LAD in heroin withdrawal this summer and it was amazing and all, but way too intense at the time and it was hard on me.

I think I'm staying safe... I had the bright idea to combine it with DMT, the other psychedelic I am comfortable with myself using at almost any time at all, but decided not to push my luck. There's always next week for that, and if I'm already there anyway... it's weird, how 2C-C sometimes reminds me a lot about DMT in certain subtle respects, but they are so different. An intense form of relaxation, that's for damn sure.

I think 2C-C is my absolute favourite drug, and if I can handle this mystical experience and it's keeping hard drugs like cocaine off my mind then I think that's a good thing (for now).

Tripping almost every day for 2 years... that must have been epic. I can see myself spending the rest of my life on 2C-C and living a wonderful, happy, and completely sane (in my own way) life. I think it would be really hard to have the discipline to apply this healing presently, still being in acute withdrawal and all. I'm definitely more concerned about the opiates and the cocaine at the moment. I can never use those again.

Cheers man. Also, I feel like if I overused psychedelics for a really long time, they might actually backfire and lead to a decreased state of awareness for a while. I've never used them too often, but I feel like now, if ever, is the time that I need them. I definitely plan on using a little DMT as well... might bring me back down to earth a little.

Man... even the joints man. I have been using cannabis with an escapist attitude, smoking like 10 to 20 joints a day. I have cut down to two, and normally just take a couple of puffs and put the joint down for later, and only when the need to use it for my own benefit arises. It's 2pm and I haven't smoked yet, in like 12 hours and did not even notice. Normally I don't go an hour without blazing, it's really unhealthy to abuse cannabis that way.

I don't even feel the effects anymore! It does nothing for me but waste weed and smoke. Now, I notice the alteration of conscious perception, it adds to the 2C-C and enhances my trips. I can get a little silly again, and laughter is medicine for the soul. I feel like I'm learning to use cannabis the right way.
 
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Damn that's a lot of joints! 8o You must have been spending a fortune on weed.

But yeah, 2 years of 3-7 times a week taking psychedelics was... definitely intense. Thing is, by the end I wasn't even tripping anymore and I was taking massive doses and combinations. Just like weed, it becomes the "new normal" after a while. It's (one the reasons) why psychedelics all the time is not sustainable long-term, tolerance, both physical and behavioral, is so intense with them. Took me 6 years to get back to being able to trip from normal doses again after that, I didn't take a single psychedelic for 3 and then very rarely for 3 more. I also was utterly exhausted, it came crashing down because I was falling asleep uncontrollably as if I had narcolepsy, I got prescribed modafinil and it didn't even work. I ended up totaling my car because I fell asleep at the wheel, fortunately I didn't hurt myself or anyone else.

But yeah I'm not suggesting you stop what you're doing now, whatever is gonna get you through the rough parts, go for it. I was just saying, once the dust settles, you won't be able to rely on 2C-C or any psychedelic long-term to grow and become better. You can keep using them periodically, I do that and have no plans to stop, I find that occasional tripping really helps me in my life. But using them daily starts to become escapist and negative after a while. But yeah, good luck on your experience. :)
 
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