I am planning on staying on methadone for the foreseeable future. To answer your question from earlier captain h I am at the very least mentally addicted to benzos. I'm taking a drug test tommorow at the methadone clinic after that I am buying some weed and trying to get the fuck off these benzos. I experienced what I am pretty sure are very very mild benzo withdrawal today. I resisted for most of the day but with nothing else to take I caved and took 1mg kpin and 1mg Xanax. I know I am not to the point where I need a taper but I do need some comfort drugs to get me through this methadone clinic be damned. The only thing I have on hand is seroquel. Are there any drugs I can ask my doctor for to help ease the anxiety I feel when I don't have them.
Right now my main priority is getting this benzo thing under control because I see it as a disaster happening in slow motion. I know some people take these things for years and I haven't even been taking them everyday but I just feel myself getting addicted physically and I'm scared. I'm also pissed at myself and the methadone clinic for putting me in this position. Also I can't tell anyone in real life really. If I tell my therapist she will have the doctor pull my kpin script which will pull my cover at the clinic for using benzos. If I lose my cover at the clinic then two consecutive fails for benzos will result in a dose reduction and possible termination considering I'm already in trouble for pot. Is this making any sense? I feel trapped.
I have to agree with Captain Heroin - I think you should see a psychiatrist. I would check reviews online and try to see one that specializes in addiction. You also asked about drugs that can help with anxiety when getting off of benzos - I highly recommend Indural (propranolol). It's a beta blocker that is not addictive and will stop the adrenaline response. I took it when I got cut off of Xanax after a ten year run. It does not make you feel good like benzos do, but it brings the anxiety down a few levels.
You said you don't think you need to taper and in a way I kind of think you should. You have been taking them pretty consistently, and I am worried if you just stop the rebound anxiety is going to send you over the edge. You may not have to worry about siezures possibly, but I do know if you just stop them you're anxiety is going to dramatically increase befor wit decreases, and I don't think you need that right now. Your biggest priority right now should be to stabilize, and just stopping benzos is not going to facilitate that.
I understand your frustration with the the clinic, it's truly unfortunate that they have such a stance toward marijuana as that is a great resource to facilitate getting sober. I think you need to accept it for what it is and move forward. It's out of your control and by focusing on the injustice of the situation is going to keep your trapped in more ways than one. I have been in a similar situation with the mental health system where I live and at some point you just have to focus on the end goal and jump through their hoops. It's absolutely infuriating, and the more you think about it the unhealthier you become. Voicing the injustices of this situation to them or other medical professionals are only going to hurt you right now, save that for when you are in a better place.
Burning your bridges with them only hurts you, regardless of how wrong their policies may be. I am sorry to say all that, it's out of concern for you. I agree with you and have your back, but again that doesn't change the situation or their policies. The best thing you can do is focus on your health, and nothing but your health. Addicts and mental health patients have few rights, and the more we voice our displeasure with the system the worse the system treats us. Unfortunately it can get a lot worse than it already is, don't test them. Play their game and when you're healthy advocate for others who are in your situation. That's what I do, and it's very gratifying to help others in similar circumstances and save them from the grief you have experienced. It's even better when the institutions that out you through hell actually listen to your critiques of their programs and make changes, but they only listen if you are healthy and rational. Feel free to hit me up if you have any benzo issues - i had to learn healthy coping mechanisms to deal with benzo withdrawal and I have no problem passing that info along. I'm wishing the best for you cj!