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  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

I'm alive despite rumors to the contrary ;)

cj said:
The cherry on top of all this is my rowing dependence to benzos. I can't get out of my own way
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I don't find them addictive at all, but why don't you stop taking them? Certainly you know how to taper?
 
I stopped taking them a couple days ago. It was just a matter of them being available and me trYing to quit weed. I said fuck it I would rather smoke. So I'm feeling a bit better.
 
I'm glad to hear it! Did you find any nice herbs? Actually, don't answer that. I will just assume yes :)
 
Nice herbs is a relative term where I live.
Today is my cancer stricken grandmother's birthday and I'm sitting outside the clinic waiting on my benzos dealer. I'm such a shit person
 
You're a beautiful person cj. It's not easy, especially with the place you're at. Remember, all you can do is try, try and try again. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
 
I don't know you CJ but you got some great folks in your corner here. Sounds like you wanna move on with your life but are kinda stuck. I'm really sorry about your troubles. I wish you the best of luck moving and may good spirits be with you:)
 
cj said:
Nice herbs is a relative term where I live.
Today is my cancer stricken grandmother's birthday and I'm sitting outside the clinic waiting on my benzos dealer. I'm such a shit person
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Didn't you go back to weed?
 
cj, my man, glad to see you are finally getting out of that feeling of being stuck in Alabama or wherever you were at

I am truly jealous that you are going to be moving to Oregon, Im currently in the process of getting off probation so I can move to Colorado. for the exact reasons you think im trying to move there for. Im fuckin sick of heroin man, shit never did me any favors and Im pissed it took me this long to figure that out

im sober for the time being, but the first chance I can get, im blazing that shit up every day. me and sloan kettering

take it easy bruh
 
subotai said:
cj, my man, glad to see you are finally getting out of that feeling of being stuck in Alabama or wherever you were at

I am truly jealous that you are going to be moving to Oregon, Im currently in the process of getting off probation so I can move to Colorado. for the exact reasons you think im trying to move there for. Im fuckin sick of heroin man, shit never did me any favors and Im pissed it took me this long to figure that out

im sober for the time being, but the first chance I can get, im blazing that shit up every day. me and sloan kettering

take it easy bruh
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Thanks man. I can't wait to buy weed from the store
 
No doubt! That was my favorite thing about visiting Portland =D Well, other than the beautiful BLer I went there to see (she was probably #1 actually) :)
 
cj said:
Yeah I can't do family events withour benzos. Hell even tho I lush I am in them now I'm still miserable.
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You really don't need them. People say such things to themselves to justify usage. Try to go to a family event without them. :)
 
Moreaux said:
Been thinking about you - how are you doing today cj?
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I'm depressed and anxoius. Ration too many benzos and sick of bring broke. I'm going to get a haircut and a job this coming week I think
 
CJ: You were very supportive when I needed help when you first became a moderator. Browsing BL, I am saddened to hear you are experiencing some bumps in the road; however, you have a lot of loving encouragement here, from what I am reading. Being able to emotionally, and often that means physically, distancing yourself from dysfunctional family members can be life changing for the better... I did so when I was probably close to your age and do not regret it one bit. Once you get away from others guilt tripping you and blaming you, as well as focusing on your issues instead of theirs, you may begin to discover the happiness and serenity that taking care of yourself first and creating a functional support system offers . The book mentioned previously, Co-Dependent No More, was a game changer.
 
CJ Getting a haircut and job sounds a lot better then moving across the country to live in a shelter IMO. There's only one way and it's the hard way, you already know that, I've seen your posts.
 
I have lost the motivation to move. I am truly starting to think I have mild bi-polar symptoms. I'll get an idea and rum with it really hard for a week or two. Telling everyone making phone calls, posts, ect. Then I lose all motivation to go through with the idea.

The depressive stage is me just sitting in my room only leaving for the methadone clinic and to meet my pot/benzos dealer. Im going to mention it to my therapist next Friday when I see her.

Truthfully I am not all that unhappy with my life right now. It's true I don't work but my parents provide for my needs and are very compassionate. The one dream that never goes away is too become an activist for the scientific and medical models of addiction treatment in rehabs. Rehabs charging 30 grand then not providing top notch 1 on 1 and small group counseling led by licensed clinicians is wholly unacceptable. Having a 95 percent relapse rate is unnaceptable.

Rant over. I'm going to start attending meetings in my area to get a list of the bad actor treatment centers then i am going to write an article interviewing the former clients of the less place and there families if they are deceased. I want to force alabama to begin having better oversight of thsee places that are in the midle of nowhere and hide behind a religious exemption. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it

Back to me I smoke weed and eat benzos. Thankfully I've been able to control the benzos so far. I am tapering of gabapentin as its more trouble than its work

So yeah I think portland is on the back burner for awhile. I want to muck rake the shit out alabama first. If anyone with writing and or great internet ability wants to help pm me.

Overall I'm going to be here awaIL ain't nowhere.

Drew
 
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