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  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

I'm alive despite rumors to the contrary ;)

cj said:
Nah not really any decisions yet. I'm just holding steady with the idea of trying to taper down my bEnzo use gradually. I'm not dangerously addicted yet I don't think. If I did go to detox it would just be for benzos I am very happy with my methadone treatment.
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Are you considering staying on methadone for life?

I think you would be a lot happier tapering off of it. Life off of ORT is really awesome once you get past PAWS. <3
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Are you considering staying on methadone for life?
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Questions like that, even just thinking about the finality of making a decisions like that always created waaaaaaay too much stress and anxiety for me, which was super counter productive to the entire process of tapering and all that. Not that it isn't important to explore what life might look and feel like without having to deal with the clinic rigamarole, but you know what I mean.
 
I am planning on staying on methadone for the foreseeable future. To answer your question from earlier captain h I am at the very least mentally addicted to benzos. I'm taking a drug test tommorow at the methadone clinic after that I am buying some weed and trying to get the fuck off these benzos. I experienced what I am pretty sure are very very mild benzo withdrawal today. I resisted for most of the day but with nothing else to take I caved and took 1mg kpin and 1mg Xanax. I know I am not to the point where I need a taper but I do need some comfort drugs to get me through this methadone clinic be damned. The only thing I have on hand is seroquel. Are there any drugs I can ask my doctor for to help ease the anxiety I feel when I don't have them.

Right now my main priority is getting this benzo thing under control because I see it as a disaster happening in slow motion. I know some people take these things for years and I haven't even been taking them everyday but I just feel myself getting addicted physically and I'm scared. I'm also pissed at myself and the methadone clinic for putting me in this position. Also I can't tell anyone in real life really. If I tell my therapist she will have the doctor pull my kpin script which will pull my cover at the clinic for using benzos. If I lose my cover at the clinic then two consecutive fails for benzos will result in a dose reduction and possible termination considering I'm already in trouble for pot. Is this making any sense? I feel trapped.
 
cj said:
I am planning on staying on methadone for the foreseeable future. To answer your question from earlier captain h I am at the very least mentally addicted to benzos. I'm taking a drug test tommorow at the methadone clinic after that I am buying some weed and trying to get the fuck off these benzos. I experienced what I am pretty sure are very very mild benzo withdrawal today. I resisted for most of the day but with nothing else to take I caved and took 1mg kpin and 1mg Xanax. I know I am not to the point where I need a taper but I do need some comfort drugs to get me through this methadone clinic be damned. The only thing I have on hand is seroquel. Are there any drugs I can ask my doctor for to help ease the anxiety I feel when I don't have them.

Right now my main priority is getting this benzo thing under control because I see it as a disaster happening in slow motion. I know some people take these things for years and I haven't even been taking them everyday but I just feel myself getting addicted physically and I'm scared. I'm also pissed at myself and the methadone clinic for putting me in this position. Also I can't tell anyone in real life really. If I tell my therapist she will have the doctor pull my kpin script which will pull my cover at the clinic for using benzos. If I lose my cover at the clinic then two consecutive fails for benzos will result in a dose reduction and possible termination considering I'm already in trouble for pot. Is this making any sense? I feel trapped.
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I can tell where you're coming from.

Have you considered going to a psychiatrist to get a proper diagnosis? Have you ever done this before?
 
I have been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist for the last 6 months. I'm diagnosed officially with depression, PTSD, general anxiety disorder. When I said doctor earlier in the posts I meant psychiatrist.
 
cj said:
I am planning on staying on methadone for the foreseeable future. To answer your question from earlier captain h I am at the very least mentally addicted to benzos. I'm taking a drug test tommorow at the methadone clinic after that I am buying some weed and trying to get the fuck off these benzos. I experienced what I am pretty sure are very very mild benzo withdrawal today. I resisted for most of the day but with nothing else to take I caved and took 1mg kpin and 1mg Xanax. I know I am not to the point where I need a taper but I do need some comfort drugs to get me through this methadone clinic be damned. The only thing I have on hand is seroquel. Are there any drugs I can ask my doctor for to help ease the anxiety I feel when I don't have them.

Right now my main priority is getting this benzo thing under control because I see it as a disaster happening in slow motion. I know some people take these things for years and I haven't even been taking them everyday but I just feel myself getting addicted physically and I'm scared. I'm also pissed at myself and the methadone clinic for putting me in this position. Also I can't tell anyone in real life really. If I tell my therapist she will have the doctor pull my kpin script which will pull my cover at the clinic for using benzos. If I lose my cover at the clinic then two consecutive fails for benzos will result in a dose reduction and possible termination considering I'm already in trouble for pot. Is this making any sense? I feel trapped.
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I have to agree with Captain Heroin - I think you should see a psychiatrist. I would check reviews online and try to see one that specializes in addiction. You also asked about drugs that can help with anxiety when getting off of benzos - I highly recommend Indural (propranolol). It's a beta blocker that is not addictive and will stop the adrenaline response. I took it when I got cut off of Xanax after a ten year run. It does not make you feel good like benzos do, but it brings the anxiety down a few levels.

You said you don't think you need to taper and in a way I kind of think you should. You have been taking them pretty consistently, and I am worried if you just stop the rebound anxiety is going to send you over the edge. You may not have to worry about siezures possibly, but I do know if you just stop them you're anxiety is going to dramatically increase befor wit decreases, and I don't think you need that right now. Your biggest priority right now should be to stabilize, and just stopping benzos is not going to facilitate that.

I understand your frustration with the the clinic, it's truly unfortunate that they have such a stance toward marijuana as that is a great resource to facilitate getting sober. I think you need to accept it for what it is and move forward. It's out of your control and by focusing on the injustice of the situation is going to keep your trapped in more ways than one. I have been in a similar situation with the mental health system where I live and at some point you just have to focus on the end goal and jump through their hoops. It's absolutely infuriating, and the more you think about it the unhealthier you become. Voicing the injustices of this situation to them or other medical professionals are only going to hurt you right now, save that for when you are in a better place.

Burning your bridges with them only hurts you, regardless of how wrong their policies may be. I am sorry to say all that, it's out of concern for you. I agree with you and have your back, but again that doesn't change the situation or their policies. The best thing you can do is focus on your health, and nothing but your health. Addicts and mental health patients have few rights, and the more we voice our displeasure with the system the worse the system treats us. Unfortunately it can get a lot worse than it already is, don't test them. Play their game and when you're healthy advocate for others who are in your situation. That's what I do, and it's very gratifying to help others in similar circumstances and save them from the grief you have experienced. It's even better when the institutions that out you through hell actually listen to your critiques of their programs and make changes, but they only listen if you are healthy and rational. Feel free to hit me up if you have any benzo issues - i had to learn healthy coping mechanisms to deal with benzo withdrawal and I have no problem passing that info along. I'm wishing the best for you cj!
 
I concur, finding a good psychiatrist who is willing to work with you, prescribing you something in a controlled manner like clonazepam or diazepam would be ideal.

However, it sounds like you have a psychiatrist already (who do you get your current benzo script from?), plus finding a good psychiatrist who truly understands addiction is very challenging without the right connections.
 
I get the kpin from the psychiatrist but it's only 15mg a month. He's a nice guy but he's a little fed up with my bullshit I can tell. I need to bite the bullet and switch to an addiction specialist. My boy has some synthetic cannabinoads I'm going to try tommorow if they are decently like weed i may have a way out of this mess. I think I can get through the minor benzo withdrawals with seroquel and a cannabinoad type substance. Wish I could just use weed but whatever. With me it's more about just having a drug to use every today.
 
cj said:
I get the kpin from the psychiatrist but it's only 15mg a month. He's a nice guy but he's a little fed up with my bullshit I can tell. I need to bite the bullet and switch to an addiction specialist. My boy has some synthetic cannabinoads I'm going to try tommorow if they are decently like weed i may have a way out of this mess. I think I can get through the minor benzo withdrawals with seroquel and a cannabinoad type substance. Wish I could just use weed but whatever. With me it's more about just having a drug to use every today.
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research chemical cannabinoids are often nothing like cannabis; they typically more intense, full agonist compounds with a high binding affinity. most people end up having panic reactions.

if you feel the need to "have something" every day, I wouldn't recommend research chemicals.
 
I'm just stepping in here coz u sound like a good kid: You could try GOD and of course I don't mean the one whose name is used to condone endless warfare but the thing inside of you that impels you each day, the Holy Spirit that gave you life. You just need to trust your inner self.
ps Capt. Heroin was really helpful to me many years ago when I was a blue lighter. Try to feel what's inside his replies as he speaks from love.
i wish you the best
ed
 
Yeah a big part of recovery is learning how to self-soothe without drugs. I can totally agree with that. You don't have to believe in "god" or "the holy spirit", but self-soothing is a real thing. We become dependent on drugs to relax because of how efficient they are, and due to our handicapped ability to do it ourselves with natural things, like reading, walking/jogging, etc

Glad to see you are around and well, Eddieteetree :)
 
cj said:
I get the kpin from the psychiatrist but it's only 15mg a month. He's a nice guy but he's a little fed up with my bullshit I can tell. I need to bite the bullet and switch to an addiction specialist. My boy has some synthetic cannabinoads I'm going to try tommorow if they are decently like weed i may have a way out of this mess. I think I can get through the minor benzo withdrawals with seroquel and a cannabinoad type substance. Wish I could just use weed but whatever. With me it's more about just having a drug to use every today.
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What type of synthetic cannaboids are you considering taking? There are a couple that are decent for benzo withdrawal, but most just make it significantly worse. Don't forget your siezure threshold is probably a little lowered right now, and many of the synthetic cannaboids can exasperate that and cause you to sieze. I tried several synth compounds when I was going through Xanax withdrawal and most of them made my situation significantly worse. A few caused me to have grand mal siezures, and one increased my anxiety to the point I had to go to the hospital as my bp and heart rate were dangerously high.

Can you try some CBD oil - that can be useful (won't feel like a benzo but it helps). Have you considered other herbal remedies? At the worst of my withdrawal I started growing lemon balm and would juice that, along with making tea. Lemon balm is surprisingly potent if it's concentrated. Kava is also pretty effective if you get a good extract. I found the Gaia max strength extract beneficial.

Captain Heroin is correct, it would be best to use this experience to learn more productive coping mechanisms that are not substance based. I know that's not what you want to hear, but that really is the best way to go for long term health and happiness. CBT and mindfulness saved me, but it took time to learn. keep in mind a lot of the anxiety you are feeling right now is temporary - focus on that aspect and know you won't feel his way forever. Remind yourself to take deep concentrated breaths when you are having issues. Hang in there!
 
CJ, your history taught you to blame yourself and that is what you need to unlearn. Unlearning is harder than learning IME. If you can be gentle with yourself in the process you can begin to see yourself as a warrior. That may seem a strange choice of words but what I mean is that you see yourself as someone capable of change. You were victimized at an early age. There is simply no denying the ways in which this has continued to reverberate through your development but this does not mean accepting being a victim to it forever. You are a fighter and you always have been. You are honest which is the most important tool any human being can have as far as emotional healing is concerned. You are also capable of great compassion. Use these two strengths to get you through the hard moments. Be aware that difficulty is lived moment by moment--it is only a trick of the mind that we perceive it as eternity. I love Capatain Heroin's use of the phrase "self-soothe". We are all babies crying for solace from outside but when we learn that our own thumbs fit deliciously into our own mouths we turn into powerful beings indeed.;) You have everything it takes to create whatever it is you seek from a substance. Your brain was made for that. Bad experiences early on obscured your strengths from you but they are still there and they are still yours. Keep searching but beware of the short-term medicines. Anxiety can be disarmed. Right now, it has you trained to fear it above all else. You can train it to sit down and shut up. I have so much faith in you. <3
 
Moreaux I dont exactly know which cannabinoad itself has I know NM are the first two letters followed by numbers. Can you recommend any comfort meds to help me get through the acute withdrawal? I'm thinking clonidine a muscle relaxer and? I have only been physically addicted for a week so I don't feel like I'm at a Seizure risk. I have a doctor appointment in the morning but it's with a new doctor and I have some other health issues I won't addressed as well. I'm honing to play by ear whether I mention it to him. Also how long can I expect to feel like shit for? Earlier today before I broke down and took more benzo I felt physically sick to my stomach and just flu like in general while being anxious. It wasn't overwhelming but I now myself and I won't be able to get through days of that without co fort meds.

Herbavore: thank you! That is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I know I need to be strong to get through this bump in the road now before it becomes a mountain in the road. I've only been physically addicted a week if ever there was a time to stop its now. And your right the abuse I suffered as a kid really does reverberate through every part of my life. I'm in counseling still but I think I am going to refocus on that issue instead of some of the other stuff I've been talking to her about. Also thank you for always being so kind to me you don't know how much it means.

I don't know what I would do without the support of this forum. I don't have any friends in real life right now so having you guys to talk to is a literal lifesaver.
 
cj said:
Moreaux I dont exactly know which cannabinoad itself has I know NM are the first two letters followed by numbers. Can you recommend any comfort meds to help me get through the acute withdrawal? I'm thinking clonidine a muscle relaxer and? I have only been physically addicted for a week so I don't feel like I'm at a Seizure risk. I have a doctor appointment in the morning but it's with a new doctor and I have some other health issues I won't addressed as well. I'm honing to play by ear whether I mention it to him. Also how long can I expect to feel like shit for? Earlier today before I broke down and took more benzo I felt physically sick to my stomach and just flu like in general while being anxious. It wasn't overwhelming but I now myself and I won't be able to get through days of that without co fort meds.

Herbavore: thank you! That is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I know I need to be strong to get through this bump in the road now before it becomes a mountain in the road. I've only been physically addicted a week if ever there was a time to stop its now. And your right the abuse I suffered as a kid really does reverberate through every part of my life. I'm in counseling still but I think I am going to refocus on that issue instead of some of the other stuff I've been talking to her about. Also thank you for always being so kind to me you don't know how much it means.

I don't know what I would do without the support of this forum. I don't have any friends in real life right now so having you guys to talk to is a literal lifesaver.
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doxylamine succinate will be a good antihistamine to help you get to sleep, as insomnia is a common benzo wd symptom
 
Herbavore - what you wrote needs to be a sticky in either TDS or SL - it's so true and comforting, and applies to all of us.

CJ - I will pm you with comfort meds. You situation is different and I don't want to publicly post my ideas on what I think would help you and have other people coming off of benzos think they need it. I do want to add you say you don't want to go to detox because of your grandmother, but I am really concerned for you right now. You have insurance, I really think you need to consider inpatient.

You have so much going on and you're in a spiral - I fear for you. Getting off of benzos is going to leave you with more anxiety, I don't want that anxiety to push you further down the rabbit hole. I don't think you going to treatment would compete with your grandmother any more than your present situation already is. If nothing else, you being in a safe place lets your family focus on your grandmother instead of wondering about you and worrying about her - they would know that you're safe.

Consider how you would react to your grandmother's passing in your present condition? Would that be the last piece to send you over the edge, and how would that be for your family, to have to deal with two tragedies instead of one? I've seen it happen before and it's devestating for everyone involved. I just wanted to throw those thoughts out there, not to make you feel worse, but to give you an out so you can unload some of the immense stress you're dealing with...you need a break. You were doing so well and I know you will again, you just need some breathing room to focus on getting healthy. My heart goes out to you, I wish you were in my city so I could take you in and let you focus on gaining health without all of the distractions of basic survival and family dynamics. Big hugs guy - know that some of your biggest advocates are here for you - you are not alone in this.
 
Yeah dude, I normally wouldn't advise in-patient rehab for anyone, but you could use it. Especially with a focus on co-occurring disorders (PTSD) so you can get quality mental health care too.
 
Thanks. I'm open to doing a detox if I can find one that will allow me to stay on my current methadone dose. Kicking 150mg methadone is just not something I am signing up for. I am giving real thought to going back to UAB telling them I'm suicidal. Last time I did that they allowed me to stay on my prescribed suboxone dose and detoxed me from my then made up benzo addiction. It all depends on how this doctors appointment goes this morning. If he gives me the meds you suggested Moreaux then I'm going to try to do this at home. Otherwise I'm going to tart looking into the detox way.
 
Have you thought about a detox that would allow you to remain on methadone for now and get you off the benzos, then a very prolonged taper to come off the methadone properly and then doing a detox once you're down to a more reasonable dose? That is probably the best course of action.
 
toothpastedog said:
Have you thought about a detox that would allow you to remain on methadone for now and get you off the benzos, then a very prolonged taper to come off the methadone properly and then doing a detox once you're down to a more reasonable dose? That is probably the best course of action.
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That's looking like my best option. Doctor appointment was a complete bust on obtaining comfort meds. I'm waiting to buy more benzos right now. I'm going to get high today so Ill have the courage to tell my mom. I may try to ride it out at home then just go to ER if/when I break?

My psychiatrist told me to fuck off more or less and my therapist is on vacation. The way I see it I have two options go to an urgent care doctor and ask for a clonidine script, that mixed with the 30 300mg gabapentin use that and the seroquel I have to try and ride it out at home. Or go check myself into the hospital for being suicidal and see if they take care of me any better. I'm going to discusses with my methadone counselor tommorow places I can go and still get my dose. I'm leaning towards the hospital route I'm just worried they are going to leave me to suffer and there will be nothing I can do about it.
 
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