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  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards | negrogesic

Just speedballed and I am madly in love

E

ElvisPillsley

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 10, 2014
Messages
60
For over a year I've regularly used H. For most of that time I sniffed only, tried smoking but didn't get the hang of it. Anyway, once I switched to IV (for someone with a very high IQ I do some dumb shit) it wasnt long before I tried a proper speedball.

I had sniffed coke and h together but as you may know, it's nothing close to IV. Anyway, I kinda wish I'd never tried SBs becuase, franly, shooting dope alone was very disappointing compared to waht I had been told and imagined it to be like - so perhaps I'd have stopped or cut way back. Then comes my dude with some very excellent powder. <snip> So of course I decided to mix the two and after a few tries withvarying degrees of success, I got a goodone and never looked back.

Another briliant move by me - don't ust pick up one new expensive habit, couple it with a secondary one so as to spend 2x the money.

Anyway, now I almost never ever shoot dope without coke added, evenif it be broken down crack, though that isn't my preference.

I know it's kinda hack to say, and during primary education when cops and whoever else would come into lecture us on the dangers of drugs, I paid no attention. I was staunchly anti-drug until about, when I started boozing heavily. Didn't use a drug until weed at 19, then coke at 21 which became a HUGE thing for me for years.<snip>

I wish it were just a good feeling, plenty of things feel good but I can very easily either say fuck it not now, another time, tomorrow, whatever. Sadly, though, a SB isn't merely good. It's beyond words because ultimately they all mean good in one way or another. I wish they'd make mepuke everytime I had one (though my ex would puke EVERY time we smoked crack and she wasn't even slightly deterred. I wish it made me have terrible acne - SOMETHING to really make me slow way down or stop. The closest thing I have to a motivator is the warm weather approaching and I do not want visible scars. I am a professional (doctors, lawyers, dentists, etc.),and so I have to pretend along with all the other junkies in my field that I'm not one. So I have one choice here: repeat what I did in January, and what worked too, rubbing the scars off with a pumice stone. I mean RUBBING down to the raw red tacky flesh - once you reach that and you do any more and I believe that brings youclose to passing out. I was seeing light fluctuations, etc. Anyway, I did it before, on no pain meds mind you, so I can do it again. Got no choice: t-shirt weather is almost here, and I havea physical May 20th with an awesome primary doc who is liberal with his Rx pad. On my first visit he gave me back my 2 bars a day, and when we talked about it, he seemed open to writing me my pain medsagain after reviewing my MRI. That would be so fuckin' wonderiful having Opana crushable ER 20mg and Endocet 10s. I was going for pain management to get those until they threw me out because my urine tested positive for high alcohol content. I realize the reason doesn't matter to them, but my appt was usually at like 9 am Saturday - and I'd be out boozing the night before, maybe up until like 5 hours before my appt. Stupid me, though had I known that was sucha serious thing I would never have allowed that to happen. So, one of the best pill docs in my area is no longer an option. What's worse is when I call around to other pain docs to make an appt many will tell you directly overthe phone that they do not write scripts, but only do trigger point injections. WTF? Now, I rarely feel it, but my MRI does show a subluxation at L5-S1, so any doc can rely on that when writing for me. I'm hoping the new primary will write me pain meds because if notI'mreally gonna have to search andsearch and maybe beg my old doc to come back. I doubt he cares, he walks around seeming so fuckin' high it's ridiculous;gotta be the <snip> office manager. So, once I scrub myself down again, and heal, I'm gonna cut way back and try to find places in my legs - but it'sgonna be tough.

<snip> Wish it weren't so damn wonderful to me. Wish I could go back to taking 5 vicodin with beer and a bar and being set. Wish I could go back to my ex-pain doc.
 
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Be careful man. SBs kill. Don't become a statistic.

What's your question? This seems like if it's a blog
 
Injecting just isn't worth it. I'm also a professional type person and I've steered clear of injecting bc I doubt I could keep my life intact. My approach is to snort an opiate, H included, mixed with some type of an upper, coke included. That is an excellent time and isn't so additive that you can't move around to new drugs or not combining at all.
 
Great way to make me disregard the rest of what you have to say: use "fag" in a derogatory manner.
 
dude, you gotta calm down a bit and try to jumpe on methadone or suboxone (bupe). I used heavy for the last 7 years, daily, shooting dope and sometimes speedballs (not my thing; always enjoyed the high of just dope). but playing w/ speedballs is never a good thing but it seems you do know what you are doing, but still, we have to be careful and are better off staying away, man.

have you tried to get clean? any intention? how much dope/coke are in your speedballs? just be careful.
 
I had a friend who sounded just like you. He beyond loved SBing. It was his ended all high, literally.

He OD'ed and died st age 26. This was not some ignorant, lifeless, street-junkie. He was in medical school and had life seemingly whipped to the outside world. His attitude was just like yours, he was smart and he knew it.

No level of intelegence will prepair you for what lies ahead if you continue to use SB's.

I love it too man and I admit that I rarely still indulge in a fast ball. But, I always keep any use strictly under control. My friend did not, he thought he could handle these drugs just like he had handled everything he had ever encountered before.

There are so many contributing factors to fuck ups when doing SBs. Heroin and coke are two of the most varying drugs when it comes to impurities and potency.

If you play that game long enough, either you will regret it or you wont be around to regret it.

A simple warning friend. I know its easier said than done.

There is just something about IV coke that seems to inherently cause the user to endlessly push to a limit that seems to not exsist until its too late.

Like Hunter Thompson said, "the only ones who know where the edge is, are the ones who have gone over."
 
I know I need to slow down big time - I do. Fortunately I do not have a physical addiction, truly do not W/D even after 5 or so days with nothing. So, that makes it much easier.

But what I can't figure out how to approach is how to stop the mental desires/compulsion. Have you found any way?

As for the use of "fag," please dude... chill. I don't mean it in a sexuality way, nor a hateful way, just that he's a fucking prick. But thanks for bothering to post you aren't reading because I used a WORD.
 
How much of each in a SB?

I don't know amounts, though I've recently realized with an SB you can use less of each and still feel great. So, that's good I suppose - safer and more economical.
 
ElvisPillsley said:
As for the use of "fag," please dude... chill. I don't mean it in a sexuality way, nor a hateful way, just that he's a fucking prick. But thanks for bothering to post you aren't reading because I used a WORD.
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you did use it in a hateful way, it would not be absurd to conclude that you are homophobic if you call the people that you hate 'fags'.

to me the word fag has the connotation of a bundle of sticks, which is then going to be used to burn a witch alive, or in this context to burn a homosexual alive.
 
I definitely cannot continue this way and ever have the life I want and have worked very hard and achieved a lot in pursuit thereof.

IF I can do a speedball here and there, maybe even twice a month, that would probably be ok. I know I'l never be a sober person, and I've done a hell of a lot in my life all while actively getting high. Graduated law school with honors, was on law review, coached moot court, at competition my team got numerous awards, myself getting 2nd place advocate of all competitors, book awards (student who gets highest grade in a class), etc. No, I was not SBing then, just taking xanax with beer every weekend and sometimes weeknights.

I hate myself for wasting all of my hard work and potential at present, I won't go into all of the depression issues which makes day to day basic functioning very difficult, but that's how it is. I caannot imagine working as hard as I did before, most days I don't even wanna bother showering. Don't know that SBing contributes to this, I believe it's more of a mask but I could be wrong. I have a lifelong friend who is a major alcoholic - a 1.75 liter of vodka a day. He's not going anywhere and has nothing he can make a good career out of - his last job was at a pizzeria. Fired for drinking. I think I'd feel better about my situation at present if I were like him because he never has had success and seen potential in himself to be truly great at something. I have, but not in a long time and it really fuckin' sucks.

Also I feel like shit for having neglected my real friends partly out of embarassment at my place in life, and partly to hang with drug friends and use. And we all know a drug friend ain't a friend at all. Within 10 mins of everything being gone, it's goodbye time. I care for my drug friends - a couple anyway, but as I said, they're not like my real friends whatsoever and if I stopped using we'd stop hanging.

I have considered calling my regular guy and screaming racial slurs at him to the point that if I ever saw him he'd probably kill me... that might help.
 
Mysterie said:
you did use it in a hateful way, it would not be absurd to conclude that you are homophobic if you call the people that you hate 'fags'.

to me the word fag has the connotation of a bundle of sticks, which is then going to be used to burn a witch alive, or in this context to burn a homosexual alive.
Click to expand...

If you think I truly "hate" a dude who manages a doctor's office you're just wrong. I am annoyed at what happened and wish I'd been given another chance, but from the outset I did say that I am the one who screwed up. Not that he or anyone else wronged me or anything like that. Get over it, or don't. Don't really give a shit.
 
context elvis, context...

i'm just going off what you said about how you thought the guy was a prick.

you weren't making a joke, and the intent behind the world wasn't loving. it was derogatory, which makes it offensive, and thus harder to take srsly.
 
ElvisPillsley said:
I definitely cannot continue this way and ever have the life I want and have worked very hard and achieved a lot in pursuit thereof.

IF I can do a speedball here and there, maybe even twice a month, that would probably be ok. I know I'l never be a sober person, and I've done a hell of a lot in my life all while actively getting high. Graduated law school with honors, was on law review, coached moot court, at competition my team got numerous awards, myself getting 2nd place advocate of all competitors, book awards (student who gets highest grade in a class), etc. No, I was not SBing then, just taking xanax with beer every weekend and sometimes weeknights.

I hate myself for wasting all of my hard work and potential at present, I won't go into all of the depression issues which makes day to day basic functioning very difficult, but that's how it is. I caannot imagine working as hard as I did before, most days I don't even wanna bother showering. Don't know that SBing contributes to this, I believe it's more of a mask but I could be wrong. I have a lifelong friend who is a major alcoholic - a 1.75 liter of vodka a day. He's not going anywhere and has nothing he can make a good career out of - his last job was at a pizzeria. Fired for drinking. I think I'd feel better about my situation at present if I were like him because he never has had success and seen potential in himself to be truly great at something. I have, but not in a long time and it really fuckin' sucks.

Also I feel like shit for having neglected my real friends partly out of embarassment at my place in life, and partly to hang with drug friends and use. And we all know a drug friend ain't a friend at all. Within 10 mins of everything being gone, it's goodbye time. I care for my drug friends - a couple anyway, but as I said, they're not like my real friends whatsoever and if I stopped using we'd stop hanging.

I have considered calling my regular guy and screaming racial slurs at him to the point that if I ever saw him he'd probably kill me... that might help.
Click to expand...

Um... Constant use of heroin and cocaine together are SURELY the root cause of your depression. If you think otherwise, that's the disease of addiction talking. I promise you'd feel a million times better if you were 90 days clean from all drugs. I was wondering why I was so depressed when I was using as well. Then I realized, my depression was really a result of my addiction.
 
ElvisPillsley said:
How much of each in a SB?

I don't know amounts, though I've recently realized with an SB you can use less of each and still feel great. So, that's good I suppose - safer and more economical.
Click to expand...

So you are shooting cocaine and heroin together... Without a scale? HARM REDUCTION PLEASE, GO BUY A SCALE. The #1 cause of drug related deaths are speedballs I believe right? Why on earth would you be eyeballing your shots when playing with literally the most deadly combo on the planet. I don't mean to judge or preach, but at the minimum a 0.000g scale that you can buy on amazon for 20 bucks is a neccesity...
 
The last year in active addiction I almost exclusively speedballed, while using benzos in addition to that. My tolerance was insane and it was the only way to feel any kind of high, though I was stone cold sober after the rush faded. I'd been an IV user for a few years and physically dependent for longer than that. Picking up the needle brought me to my knees but the cocaine finished the job.

When I went to rehab in November of 2013 it was almost too late. I was a walking skeleton at 90 pounds, my BP was dangerously low when they admitted me, and my body has lost the ability to heal itself... Not even the smallest scratch. I was also broken, hopeless, and was ready to end my life. I spent my detox in the ER with a HR of below 40, fading in and out of consciousness. Even on the max dose of buprenorphine, it took 5 days to even begin to stabilize. On my 9th day, I went back out. That's the insanity of this disease.

I played the game for years. I held down a decent paying job, had a nice house, was in a steady relationship, and for a long time nobody knew. But eventually, I slipped. Just like we all do. You're playing with fire. You can stop now and seek a real solution to your problems or you can stay using until you lose enough and suffer enough to want to change... it'll be a lot harder then though and some things you can't get back once you lose them. Like my innocence, my respect, my sense of self. I don't know that anything could have stopped me back then but I wish I'd known that heroin and the drugs I used with it were a temporary solution and that they'd stop working. And they did.

I can't pin point one exact thing that led to my recovery. After leaving treatment, I went on a 6 week run and that shit was ugly. I was away from home and without a source of income and things were desperate. I'd always had some lines in the sand that I never thought I'd cross and when I crossed them it was a real wake up call. I got myself into sober living and started seeing a doctor that specialized in behavior health/pharmacology. Got back on bupe and was treated for some other shit too, I was freshly sober and out of my mind at that point. I went to meetings daily, got a sponsor, and worked the steps. I did intensive outpatient treatment and was referred to a psychologist. I started working again. And surrounded myself with sober people. I relapsed a lot in those first six months but I kept making progress. Shit seemed impossible most days and I almost walked away many times. But I hung in there and with a year of continuous sobriety next month, I'm in a completely different place today.

Just putting my experience out there for you. If things had gone different, I wouldn't be here today. I was also severely depressed prior to addiction and opiates were the first thing I found that worked. Unt they didn't. And they weren't worth the price. Buprenorphine really helps me, I've stayed on maintenance as a result though on a low dose.

I'm here if you need to talk.
 
Regarding the use of the word fag... I will absolutely not tolerate it on this board, a slur is a slur regardless of whether someone is joking. Please edit it out of your post immediately.
 
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