the last year in active addiction i almost exclusively speedballed, while using benzos in addition to that. My tolerance was insane and it was the only way to feel any kind of high, though i was stone cold sober after the rush faded. I'd been an iv user for a few years and physically dependent for longer than that. Picking up the needle brought me to my knees but the cocaine finished the job.
When i went to rehab in november of 2013 it was almost too late. I was a walking skeleton at 90 pounds, my bp was dangerously low when they admitted me, and my body has lost the ability to heal itself... Not even the smallest scratch. I was also broken, hopeless, and was ready to end my life. I spent my detox in the er with a hr of below 40, fading in and out of consciousness. Even on the max dose of buprenorphine, it took 5 days to even begin to stabilize. On my 9th day, i went back out. That's the insanity of this disease.
I played the game for years. I held down a decent paying job, had a nice house, was in a steady relationship, and for a long time nobody knew. But eventually, i slipped. Just like we all do. You're playing with fire. You can stop now and seek a real solution to your problems or you can stay using until you lose enough and suffer enough to want to change... It'll be a lot harder then though and some things you can't get back once you lose them. Like my innocence, my respect, my sense of self. I don't know that anything could have stopped me back then but i wish i'd known that heroin and the drugs i used with it were a temporary solution and that they'd stop working. And they did.
I can't pin point one exact thing that led to my recovery. After leaving treatment, i went on a 6 week run and that shit was ugly. I was away from home and without a source of income and things were desperate. I'd always had some lines in the sand that i never thought i'd cross and when i crossed them it was a real wake up call. I got myself into sober living and started seeing a doctor that specialized in behavior health/pharmacology. Got back on bupe and was treated for some other shit too, i was freshly sober and out of my mind at that point. I went to meetings daily, got a sponsor, and worked the steps. I did intensive outpatient treatment and was referred to a psychologist. I started working again. And surrounded myself with sober people. I relapsed a lot in those first six months but i kept making progress. Shit seemed impossible most days and i almost walked away many times. But i hung in there and with a year of continuous sobriety next month, i'm in a completely different place today.
Just putting my experience out there for you. If things had gone different, i wouldn't be here today. I was also severely depressed prior to addiction and opiates were the first thing i found that worked. Unt they didn't. And they weren't worth the price. Buprenorphine really helps me, i've stayed on maintenance as a result though on a low dose.
I'm here if you need to talk.
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