About the shit with anti-depressants. They made me insanely anxious, vivid nightmares if not night terrors and insomnia the rest of the time. I never could last through the 2 week start period. Now that I've had dope withdrawal, the anxiety anti-depressants gave me is exact same as dope withdrawal anxiety. exact. It just never worked for me...except once. Many years ago I had a freak out while in a very toxic relationship. I was "sober" but made about 10k at work one night so me and the girl that helped me earn it.. chose to buy bottles of ACE champagne and get shit face wasted and do blow (not dope). The come down was awful, something about caine makes me manic depressive. My ex was in London promoting shit and I called him crying about how I couldn't take it ... how life was hard (I was homeschooling my kids at the time, working as a dancer at night, just got diagnosed with an illness...paid 4200 a month in rent and was falling behind - I couldn't take it!). He actually said "I can't listen to you right now, my life needs positivity.". Nevermind we'd been together 4 fucking years and it was low-drama and I rarely ask for shit. So I hung up the phone, kids were at their dads' for a holiday... drove to the ER and said "Im going to kill myself".
WORST CHOICE EVER.
You know where they put us non-insured? The state mental psych hospital. It made the film Jacob's ladder look like Disneyland. I didn't have a dope habit so they just gave me drugs and made me sleep the 5 days I was there involuntarily. I don't recall much of it other than a rape happening, a girl smuggling in heroin and a pimp coming to claim his girl. But I do know they dispensed methadone 3x's a day in the "juice" with valium and ambien plus anti-psychs. I know that because I was the only one who didn't have to get in that line for the juice, just the other shit. It's co-ed and that's why the rape happened. 1 nurse for 25 patients, some of whom are going to prison and are there to get evaluated for insanity pleas. So that's the one time I was on an anti-depressant cocktail that worked, lol but the daily meet n' greet with the social worker who releases you basically just wrote on the discharge papers "Seek better personal relationship or end current personal relationship with partner.". He was only good for me because he was straight edge, and no . he didn't pick me up when they released me. Which btw, is like getting out of county. You get a ticket and go collect what they took from you and hope to hell all your shit is there. Then you have a bus ticket and that's physically it. Luckily this is before iphones and when phone batteries lasted for a week if you turned it off. So I used my lil' t-mobile sidekick and called another stripper who arrived and said I was so fucked up on ativan and whatever else that I mumbled, threw up and slept from Reade hospital to where I live (which is a long ass way, I can't imagine if I had taken a damn bus!). My now ex, didn't show up till 2 days later and I was only on zoloft on release and that asshole accused me of being on HEROIN because the zoloft at that time made me quiet but normal and I guess straight edge people are fucking stupid. I dunno.. that was a bad 6 years of my life. Hence the almost now 8 years single.
Life.
Sugar daddy is bringing groceries, so even though I look better (color to my skin and no more niacin dark circles!), I gotta play it up a bit because he thinks it's the flu. I swear it's total Requiem shit right now, except I don't fuck this "smug fuck!". He did bring me a new 60inch tv 3 days before detox... so that was nice. At least I had trash tv to help during this.
Rough day emotionally (paws!)