svacheme3
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2007
- Messages
- 701
I always had severe social anxiety issues growing up that just got worse over the years. Friends went from few and far between as a little kid to none in high school. I just couldn't hold a normal conversation; so I was always silent, which creeped people out. And I spent the first 20 years of my life trying to get relief from the medical system. Different therapy techniques, then prescribed SSRIs (every generation in sequence), Wellbutrin, and eventually benzodiazepines. None of these helped. So despite being in all the gifted programs then AP classes being the straight-edged nerd, eventually I tried alcohol and pot. These didn't help either. It wasn't the normal social anxiety issues... I wasn't nervous about being around people, whenever I did get invited somewhere I jumped at the chance, I participated in all manner of extracurriculars-- I just couldn't talk like a normal person. Given a specific topic, sure I could talk about that topic. But an unstructured informal social small talk? Just couldn't do it, even if drunk or high.
This continued right on into college. I lived on campus freshman year; this is the single easiest time in life to make new friends or have a relationship, and I couldn't accomplish either all year. Just the creepy quiet guy. So that summer, back home, I got desperate enough to do something I was vehemently opposed to and condemned people for my entire life until that point, trying hard drugs. The first thing I had an opportunity to use (having only ever used alcohol and pot at this point) was cocaine. I'll never forget that first line... within seconds, all my fear of and inability to hold conversations was gone. I was the life of the party, talking to everyone, even having fun conversations with girls. Well, that was obviously not something that was going to be a one time thing for me and the floodgates opened as all my negative opinions on hard drugs flew out the window.
A few months later I had the opportunity to take opiates for the first time, and immediately found these had the same social benefits without the increasing side effects cocaine was having. And as they say, the rest is history. Opiates let me be the person I wanted to be. Unless I was partying, I never even took an amount large enough for anyone to notice. I was just a normal person, who finally had friends and relationships-- and not just drug friends either, my core circle of best friends that I hung out with every day in college had no idea I used opiates and coke, and didn't do anything worse than alcohol themselves. They were all shocked when I finally told them 3 years later.
As I studied psychobiology as an undergrad major, and got heavily into psychopharmacology as a particular focus area, I began to understand the imbalances as the root of my problem. A deficiency in the chemicals related to the natural reward system not only explained the particular social phobia, but also all the comorbid diagnoses I had received over the years (ADHD/I, mild Aspergers); I didn't get the rewards normal people get from talking and sharing-- reward deficiency syndrome-- and as all those are related to dopamine and endorphin systems, it perfectly explained why alcohol and benzodiazepines had zero effect on my social anxiety, but strong stimulants and opiates did.
So what's a guy to do... eventually the financial and legal aspects of self medicating that way began to have serious consequences. But I hate the person I am without at least opiates so much that there is simply no way I would go on living without them. It's been 13 years of addiction now, but I'm a normal, stable, functional person with a real social life and ability to date girls-- I went through 4 years of college, and have been extremely highly regarded in every job I've had. But I did face some prison time that cost me everything I had at the time and all my disposable income goes to pay for the drugs. But I still have the same opinion as when I started, the benefits outweigh the costs. So I have zero desire whatsoever to stop using, and almost certainly never will, especially considering since I'm just using to be a normal person I don't go crazy stealing and living the stereotypical junkie life. I just get my drugs then go about a normal life, only my dealer and very closest friends even know I use.
This continued right on into college. I lived on campus freshman year; this is the single easiest time in life to make new friends or have a relationship, and I couldn't accomplish either all year. Just the creepy quiet guy. So that summer, back home, I got desperate enough to do something I was vehemently opposed to and condemned people for my entire life until that point, trying hard drugs. The first thing I had an opportunity to use (having only ever used alcohol and pot at this point) was cocaine. I'll never forget that first line... within seconds, all my fear of and inability to hold conversations was gone. I was the life of the party, talking to everyone, even having fun conversations with girls. Well, that was obviously not something that was going to be a one time thing for me and the floodgates opened as all my negative opinions on hard drugs flew out the window.
A few months later I had the opportunity to take opiates for the first time, and immediately found these had the same social benefits without the increasing side effects cocaine was having. And as they say, the rest is history. Opiates let me be the person I wanted to be. Unless I was partying, I never even took an amount large enough for anyone to notice. I was just a normal person, who finally had friends and relationships-- and not just drug friends either, my core circle of best friends that I hung out with every day in college had no idea I used opiates and coke, and didn't do anything worse than alcohol themselves. They were all shocked when I finally told them 3 years later.
As I studied psychobiology as an undergrad major, and got heavily into psychopharmacology as a particular focus area, I began to understand the imbalances as the root of my problem. A deficiency in the chemicals related to the natural reward system not only explained the particular social phobia, but also all the comorbid diagnoses I had received over the years (ADHD/I, mild Aspergers); I didn't get the rewards normal people get from talking and sharing-- reward deficiency syndrome-- and as all those are related to dopamine and endorphin systems, it perfectly explained why alcohol and benzodiazepines had zero effect on my social anxiety, but strong stimulants and opiates did.
So what's a guy to do... eventually the financial and legal aspects of self medicating that way began to have serious consequences. But I hate the person I am without at least opiates so much that there is simply no way I would go on living without them. It's been 13 years of addiction now, but I'm a normal, stable, functional person with a real social life and ability to date girls-- I went through 4 years of college, and have been extremely highly regarded in every job I've had. But I did face some prison time that cost me everything I had at the time and all my disposable income goes to pay for the drugs. But I still have the same opinion as when I started, the benefits outweigh the costs. So I have zero desire whatsoever to stop using, and almost certainly never will, especially considering since I'm just using to be a normal person I don't go crazy stealing and living the stereotypical junkie life. I just get my drugs then go about a normal life, only my dealer and very closest friends even know I use.
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