It occurred to me after I typed this up that it was very long... but due to the request on hand, I decided instead of editing it down, it would be most appropriate to leave it as it is. My raw emotion can't be changed after the fact. It wouldn't be true then...
Dear B.B.,
People don’t write love letters anymore, and I don’t understand why. I find that it’s much easier to express yourself when you have the time to sit down and write what you’re feeling, similar to my writing in my diary when I feel the need to share my thoughts with you and can’t. It may not be much, but I thought maybe getting this letter unexpectedly would make your day brighter. You slipped me a little note in my book that more than made my day… so I got to thinking. What would make B.B. happy? That’s all I ever think about, really… how can I make you happy? So I figured… if a little note in my book made my day brighter, would a love letter make you happy? And I figure that, hopefully, the answer is yes, since you know this is hard for me. I wanted to sacrifice something to your name... so I guess, for you, I am sacrificing my fear. You make me a stronger person, just be existing. So here goes…
There really aren’t words, at least none that I know of, that I can use to properly convey my emotions to you. Love is such a strong word, truly, but people tend to overuse it and it has come to lose its meaning. But I need you to reach down deep and try to understand what I mean when I say, “I love you.” I dream about you at night when I’m alone, wishing you were lying beside me. And when you are with me, cuddled up against my back, I could die in that moment and be happy. I truly feel that every hardship and every terrible thing that’s happened in my life has happened so I could be with you. So I could have a sense of realism and sarcasm to help me understand better what’s happening between us, instead of being consumed by it. If I wasn’t who I am today, you wouldn’t love me. So I’m grateful for every tear I’ve shed and I would shed ten thousand more to keep you.
My life was meaningless and dark before you. I ran from high to high, afraid of the lows… because, believe me, my lows were bad. I heavily did drugs, cut myself, pretended to be someone I wasn’t, dressed and acted like a slut… anything that I could do to get attention. Love, admiration… these were the things I was looking for, but in all the wrong places. I was obviously vulnerable and drew people to me who were more than willing to take advantage of my mental state under the guise of friendship. Drugs also helped to keep the depression away… for a while. Eventually those became my enemy as well. Looking to get high was an escape from those terrible, terrible lows. But I know you understand what I’m saying, which is another reason why I love you. You are my high… your love is the best drug I’ve ever had.
Once you came into my life, the desire to run and be free forever vanished. In fact, I’m a much better person because of you. The way I was living my life was so unnatural, and so were my views. They weren’t even my views; they were the views of the angry and jaded person I had become. Love was a joke to me. Marriage was a scam and a financial institution. Children were an annoyance. But look at me now… planning out our wedding and naming our children! I’m happy, not only with myself, but with my life and the way that I conduct my days. My laziness has all but disappeared, as far as working and making a living goes. To have a life together; that is my inspiration for bettering myself. We need to rely on each other, and I certainly have no intentions of letting you down. I need to be strong for you, and so I am.
I thought that I was completely unlovable. Jaded, annoying, fat and ugly, stupid, worthless, with tons of baggage I carted around with me everywhere that I would never be able to get rid of. And you just laughed at me, kissed my cheek, and held my hand. It’s not even that you ignore the fact that it’s there and try to pretend I’m perfect; you take my problems in stride and accept them. You accept me, fully, for who I am and what I’ve been through. No one, ever, has done me that favor. You’ve shown me that I’m beautiful and worth loving, and for that I’ll be forever grateful.
I can’t thank you enough for being so understanding when I didn’t have a job. You taking care of me, financially, really showed me how serious you were about me. It helped me believe that maybe you did love me… even when I didn’t love myself. And thank you, for being so patient with me through all my problems. When I was having severe personality problems and you held me as I was shaking and exhausting myself, I held on to my life and everything I was because you were there. Through every anxiety attack, panic attack, personality switch, and general fit of depression I had… you sat with me and helped me through it. Shit, you made me laugh when I didn’t even want to smile. You still do…
You’ve taught me a great deal of patience and perseverance in the year you’ve been in my life. Truly, you have changed me for the better. You showed me that I wasn’t broken… or maybe you fixed me. But either which one is the truth, I stand here as a whole and happy person because of you.
You proved that I could feel again. When you touch me, it feels like every nerve on my body is on fire. That’s why I gasp and pant for air… you make it so hard for me to breathe. Sometimes I even forget to. You steal my breath away just like you stole my heart. You stir this fire inside of me and I burn so brightly for you that I feel blinded by it. I trust you, completely. Nothing satisfies me more than satisfying you. I hope you understand how fully you complete me.
I need to end this letter now, because if I don’t I’ll just go on forever. Thank you. For understanding me. For listening to me in an attempt to learn when you don’t. For the self confidence and self worth you helped me discover inside. For the person you helped me become. For the future you promised me. For the happiness you provide. For the warmth of your body when I’m sleeping and the warmth of your embrace when we make love. For everything I am, and for everything I will be. I love you.
Forever yours,
Danashae