Random Why did you want or don't want kids?

[Salem_is_tired]

Hello!

So it is an age old question, but since the topic started to get relevant in my life a few months ago, I got curious to hear other's thoughts on this, since I don't really know were I stand yet regarding "mothering" and kids.
My aunt has two little boy, the older being three years old and the younger only turned one a few weeks ago. Both adorable little demons, screaming their heads off, but also smiling and loving everyone around them - I like being with them for a few hours, but after that I feel like I have to be alone to "charging" for a bit before I'm capable of handling people again. I know they are "just" cousins and people usually treat their own differently, but I'm fear the thought that I will get bored my own child like this.
I also don't have the best pictures of fathers in my head - with my own, it was the classical "he left with the other woman" story, leaving me, my sister and my mother neck deep in shit and never looked back. My mother was understandably hurt and always told us (me any my twin sister) to "look out" and "don't trust man easily" - not her exact words, but similar in meaning. I totally understand now, as a young adult what she ment by this - don't be a fool and fall for a man, like she did, and never call out his toxic or dangerous behavior because "it always could be worst", like she did, but have standers and leave room for errors. The problem is, I grew up hearing this statements from a lot of woman in my life - not just my mother, but family friends and even teachers - and I'm at the point now, where if I think about my boyfriend (a sweet, understanding guy who of course has his own problems, but nothing deal breaking or "serious") asks me to marry him, I want to cry. And even as I understand what they ment by this (don't get tricked, don't let a guy walk over you, don't get attached too soon) there is this irrational fear in me, because I know not everyone is an asshole, but this little part in me just screams, this really stupid all or nothing mentality, that if I cannot know for 100% that my partner will be there for me, I don't even want to try it, try this whole family thing. I don't want to be an unhappy wife, let alone a single mother (my mother who was a single parent is a fucking hero in my eyes for what she did for us, just like every single parent is) because I know I could not handle one or two kids alone.
Attachment issues are a problem I know I have for a long time now, and when I can I plan to work in them with a professional. But I'm really interested in what you guys think about marriage, kids - why are you into them or not?

 

[Tronica]

Hello. It’s a big question, isn’t it?
I can understand your concerns and doubts.
If you are young enough then maybe you have some time to work it through, too.

I have three kids and at times, yup, I wish I had more alone time, and at times, it just feels like a lot of hard work. It’s cliche I know but the magical bits of it make it worth the tough stuff, for me. I know I’ve grown a lot as an adult by having to make these sacrifices - but then I don’t think any less of adults who don’t have kids. It’s just that there was something that clicked in me when I first looked after baby #1… a few weeks in, I looked at my own parents with completely new eyes. I actually realised what they had done for me. At 34 years of age, until I’d had my own, I hadn’t really appreciated them. So, there’s that!

In terms of being 100% sure or your partner before committing to children with them, well, no one can ever be truly sure. Things may change. In my case we are still together and it feels stronger than ever. But I also want to leave room for my partner to grow and for me to grow - ideally we grow together - but there’s got to be enough space somehow for all 5 human beings in our house to occupy and work out who we are becoming.

Letting go of control is something you learn through parenting. It’s a worthwhile lesson!

Best of luck working it through

 

[Snafu in the Void]

I can hardly take care of myself and my cat in a responsible way. Combined with the fact I did not have a father in my life, the fear of being a bad father outweighs my desire to have children. I'm happy with being an uncle, and the stress I've seen my sister endure from having 3 is quite eye opening.

I do have some FOMO, though. I'm around that age where the clock is really ticking.

 

[CFC]

Hello!

So it is an age old question, but since the topic started to get relevant in my life a few months ago, I got curious to hear other's thoughts on this, since I don't really know were I stand yet regarding "mothering" and kids.
My aunt has two little boy, the older being three years old and the younger only turned one a few weeks ago. Both adorable little demons, screaming their heads off, but also smiling and loving everyone around them - I like being with them for a few hours, but after that I feel like I have to be alone to "charging" for a bit before I'm capable of handling people again. I know they are "just" cousins and people usually treat their own differently, but I'm fear the thought that I will get bored my own child like this.
I also don't have the best pictures of fathers in my head - with my own, it was the classical "he left with the other woman" story, leaving me, my sister and my mother neck deep in shit and never looked back. My mother was understandably hurt and always told us (me any my twin sister) to "look out" and "don't trust man easily" - not her exact words, but similar in meaning. I totally understand now, as a young adult what she ment by this - don't be a fool and fall for a man, like she did, and never call out his toxic or dangerous behavior because "it always could be worst", like she did, but have standers and leave room for errors. The problem is, I grew up hearing this statements from a lot of woman in my life - not just my mother, but family friends and even teachers - and I'm at the point now, where if I think about my boyfriend (a sweet, understanding guy who of course has his own problems, but nothing deal breaking or "serious") asks me to marry him, I want to cry. And even as I understand what they ment by this (don't get tricked, don't let a guy walk over you, don't get attached too soon) there is this irrational fear in me, because I know not everyone is an asshole, but this little part in me just screams, this really stupid all or nothing mentality, that if I cannot know for 100% that my partner will be there for me, I don't even want to try it, try this whole family thing. I don't want to be an unhappy wife, let alone a single mother (my mother who was a single parent is a fucking hero in my eyes for what she did for us, just like every single parent is) because I know I could not handle one or two kids alone.
Attachment issues are a problem I know I have for a long time now, and when I can I plan to work in them with a professional. But I'm really interested in what you guys think about marriage, kids - why are you into them or not?

Hello, interesting dilemma. I notice you seem to be conflating two things here:

1) Your current relationship/potential marriage partner
2) Whether you want children or not

I know it's largely a case of chicken and egg, sort of, as a partner and children arguably go hand-in-hand. But without unpicking this dual issue, you're likely complicating how you go about thinking of your issues and making it harder to mentally resolve or find peace.

There's someone I listen to a fair bit on YouTube who often has some very helpful insights into relationship/family/trauma issues. Not everything is relevant, but maybe some of what she talks about will click with you and help you think through what's really going on in your head. Check out her channel. Perhaps start with some of her shorts, then delve into the longer discussions:

https://www.youtube.com/@TealSwanOfficial

 

[Foreigner]

I will never have kids because I don't want to pass my shitty illness genetics on, and because the world is a dumpster fire that will not be made better by adding more people.

Added to that, almost everyone I know who got duped by society into thinking that having kids would be awesome is miserable now. No thanks.

 

[lecroute]

I knew from a very young age that I didn't want to have children, though I didn't give it too much thought until I was in my early 20s.
The whole idea of family seemed very strange to me, and first I thought it was because of my biography (nothing really bad happened while I was growing up, circumstances were just not the typical ones).
It was when my first "serious" partner talked about marriage and kids that I fully realized: That's not what I want!
But then I still thought that maybe at 23 it was a little early, and this was probably going to change, eventually. With the right person, under the right circumstances.
Turns out itnnever did
It cost me three relationships, but I do not regret my decision not to have children.
I can take take care of myself, but I really can't deal very well with routine, or the imposed norms of society, things that a person who raises human beings in a responsible way can't avoid.

 

[ions]

I want kids. For the purpose of passing on what I know about the world. knowledge.
To have a next of kin that will take care of me as I age.

 

[Cheshire_Kat]

I had a son and daughter who brought 2 grandchildren each in this world so far.
The circle of life is why we are here.

 

[Salem_is_tired]

Beware the crowded world, too many to bear,
Marriage's chains, possession and snare.
Children not born for selfish delight,
But to build a future, shining and bright.

Epigenetic shifts, troubled legacy's haze,
Inherited burdens, a tangle that stays.
Marxist whispers, in equality's name,
Seeking justice, a new societal frame.

Choose wisely, ponder the depths of your heart,
For children's arrival, a profound start.
A world to transform, in their tender care,
A chance for a better future to share.

Thank you, it is a beautiful poem It reminded me to this one, even as they stand for different ideas.

This Be The Verse​

BY PHILIP LARKIN
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

 

[Salem_is_tired]

Hello, interesting dilemma. I notice you seem to be conflating two things here:

1) Your current relationship/potential marriage partner
2) Whether you want children or not

I know it's largely a case of chicken and egg, sort of, as a partner and children arguably go hand-in-hand. But without unpicking this dual issue, you're likely complicating how you go about thinking of your issues and making it harder to mentally resolve or find peace.

There's someone I listen to a fair bit on YouTube who often has some very helpful insights into relationship/family/trauma issues. Not everything is relevant, but maybe some of what she talks about will click with you and help you think through what's really going on in your head. Check out her channel. Perhaps start with some of her shorts, then delve into the longer discussions:

https://www.youtube.com/@TealSwanOfficial

Hi!

Yeah, as I was reading my original post again, I realized it ended up being a bit mixed, but just as you said, the question of the chicken and the egg. To be honest, I dobout my partner as a person would be the problem or part of it, really - this is not the first relationship I felt like this, and even before I met him I had many problems regarding this topic. I suspect that I have some kind of attachment issue and this hides under my problems or thought regarding marriage - or the fact that I haven't met a happy married couple yet. Most likely both :D
And as I was speaking with some friends regarding kids... I most likely see kids and having a child with someone as another "link" that chains me down to him, and if everything turns south I as, the mother and the woman in the relationship will stay whit the kid while he can go and live his life. I know it doesn't work like this, but you know... I just fear this will happen.

Thank you for the link, I will definitely check it out

 

[Salem_is_tired]

I had a son and daughter who brought 2 grandchildren each in this world so far.
The circle of life is why we are here.

I know, and it is great if the circle of the life makes you happy, I just highly dobout I can and will be able to rise a good person out of my kid (give them a good life, nice family, etc) when I'm not even sure that I want one.

 

[Cheshire_Kat]

I know, and it is great if the circle of the life makes you happy, I just highly dobout I can and will be able to rise a good person out of my kid (give them a good life, nice family, etc) when I'm not even sure that I want one.

I had big doubts about myself...

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Never wanted kids, never will. I'm infertile anyway but even if I could sire offspring I'd take care to avoid that.

I'm too fucked up mentally to even look after myself never mind some being that totally depends on me for its every basic need. I don't want that responsibility.

Plus I find babies absolutely repulsive and listening to them crying doesn't make me feel paternal and wanting to comfort them, it makes me irrationally furious to the point where I'd wanna smash their heads in just to get some peace and quiet. Toddlers aren't much better, shit on one end, snot on the other, always either screeching or bawling. Basically you have to wait till they're about 7 and capable of having a semi-rational conversation for children to get rewarding.

I'm not a total child-hater, I quite like kids in small doses, so long as they're not too small, aren't bratty and belong to someone else. But that's about it. I'm not gonna tie my life down for the next 18 yrs to some creature that'll go from needing my attention constantly so I get little space to myself to being an ungrateful know-it-all teenager who won't give me the time of day and is only interested in my wallet. No thanks.

 

[Tronica]

Never wanted kids, never will. I'm infertile anyway but even if I could sire offspring I'd take care to avoid that.

I'm too fucked up mentally to even look after myself never mind some being that totally depends on me for its every basic need. I don't want that responsibility.

Plus I find babies absolutely repulsive and listening to them crying doesn't make me feel paternal and wanting to comfort them, it makes me irrationally furious to the point where I'd wanna smash their heads in just to get some peace and quiet. Toddlers aren't much better, shit on one end, snot on the other, always either screeching or bawling. Basically you have to wait till they're about 7 and capable of having a semi-rational conversation for children to get rewarding.

I'm not a total child-hater, I quite like kids in small doses, so long as they're not too small, aren't bratty and belong to someone else. But that's about it. I'm not gonna tie my life down for the next 18 yrs to some creature that'll go from needing my attention constantly so I get little space to myself to being an ungrateful know-it-all teenager who won't give me the time of day and is only interested in my wallet. No thanks.

I like this as at least you don’t seem conflicted.
I was never a person who spent much time around children til I had my own.
Yup there’s a lot of shit and snot! And vomit and piss and… that’s unavoidable looking after babies and children.
My sensory overload has been tested. Over and over.
But also the depths of my heart and all the emotions (good, bad, in between) have just expanded over and over.
That’s the part that’s hard to describe.
The feeling of caring beyond what you thought was possible for another being.
And I do genuinely enjoy hanging out with my kids and baby.
But wouldn’t have predicted that at all pre kids

 

[Tronica]

I will never have kids because I don't want to pass my shitty illness genetics on, and because the world is a dumpster fire that will not be made better by adding more people.

Added to that, almost everyone I know who got duped by society into thinking that having kids would be awesome is miserable now. No thanks.

I am certainly not miserable.
There are certain freedoms I no longer have, though, and I can see how that constraint would make many people miserable.
So yeah it’s a bit of a gamble that can go wrong and is high stakes.
High risk yet high reward…

 

[CFC]

Never wanted kids, never will. I'm infertile anyway but even if I could sire offspring I'd take care to avoid that.

I'm too fucked up mentally to even look after myself never mind some being that totally depends on me for its every basic need. I don't want that responsibility.

Plus I find babies absolutely repulsive and listening to them crying doesn't make me feel paternal and wanting to comfort them, it makes me irrationally furious to the point where I'd wanna smash their heads in just to get some peace and quiet. Toddlers aren't much better, shit on one end, snot on the other, always either screeching or bawling. Basically you have to wait till they're about 7 and capable of having a semi-rational conversation for children to get rewarding.

I'm not a total child-hater, I quite like kids in small doses, so long as they're not too small, aren't bratty and belong to someone else. But that's about it. I'm not gonna tie my life down for the next 18 yrs to some creature that'll go from needing my attention constantly so I get little space to myself to being an ungrateful know-it-all teenager who won't give me the time of day and is only interested in my wallet. No thanks.

Thanks for that, interesting read; I'm almost like your diametric opposite. I suspect I'd make an excellent father in some ways. I'm extremely sensitive (in the sense of noticing things most can't), empathetic, patient, considerate, nurturing, caregiving. I staunchly defend anyone in my care, but that unconditional validation is usually packaged with often painful exercises in reflection and self-awareness lol.

But as a gay guy, there was absolutely no way I was ever going to father children. I'd be a great uncle, but have no nephews or nieces. Instead, I found teaching kinda served that function for me on one level, and also taking care of older folks these days. It just seems to be something I naturally do well, and I'd happily and willingly give whatever I can for people I care about.

 

[Foreigner]

I am certainly not miserable.
There are certain freedoms I no longer have, though, and I can see how that constraint would make many people miserable.
So yeah it’s a bit of a gamble that can go wrong and is high stakes.
High risk yet high reward…

I respect that you see it that way. I'm sure a lot of people find rearing children worth it. The people in my life who went for it are miserable. Most of them regret having kids but don't regret their kids, if that makes sense.

 

[SpiralusSancti]

I'm around that age where the clock is really ticking.

Nah, PLEANTY of eggs still ticking and with the wish to get some splitting

 

[Snafu in the Void]

Nah, PLEANTY of eggs still ticking and with the wish to get some splitting

Well I meant for me, but yeah. Having kids past a certain age just seems more difficult when you have less energy.

 

[SpiralusSancti]

Well I meant for me, but yeah. Having kids past a certain age just seems more difficult when you have less energy.

I too meant for you. It might be more difficult but you’re still far from point where such decision would be nonsense, like with 80 or 90 years as you ain’t a millionaire from Hollywood, or at least I got that impression.