Vent/Rant Thread vs I'll tell you how I really feel (Triggering Content)

[Asclepius]

Ahh, to give the background and context would take forever. I guess I don't suffer stress well these days and work is inherently full of stress, complications and injustice.

I should be grateful for a decent job with decent pay but I rarely am, I take it all far to seriously but conversely that's probably the main reason I've been relatively successful despite having had little success in my education.

Moaning about it makes me feel even worse, I should be grateful I don't have to work an awful job for peanuts....and so the self loathing begins

It's good to remember to be grateful but I totally get you. I mean, my money/security situation is atrocious atm but I have some 'opportunities', even though they aren't yielding what I need, they are a distraction , at least. I also know that no matter what fortune befalls me, Im the kind of person that will never be satisfied. I think this is the human condition, it's certainly my human condition anyway.

Really feel like just dropping out of everything atm, I feel like shit, don't have the motivation or ambition to even fart and Im trying to hide this from everyone which is eating a gigantic amount of my energy.

I need to be around people , as they ground me but I am hating the people I'm around atm and finding it so difficult , as I can't express myself for fear or coming across as 'nuts' and it's eating me up inside. I also have maintained contact with someone who I had a fling with and I don't trust him/think we aren't compatible. I've been swinging from complete disdain and fear of him to compassion and love - I don't know what to believe and would go as far as to say that I'm worried that he is fucking with my head, as he said shit like he 'loved me' and is being 'nice' to me but tbh I find it really manipulative for ANYONE to say that without it being in the context of a genuine relationship. Also,
I feel he's not being genuine and maybe trying to settle an old score and even hates me.

Anyway, if thats the case its working, as I've felt rotten since I've been with him and feel bound to keep in contact, as Im doubting myself.
It feels dark and he is a dark and 'cult of myself' person. I don't know what to think any more.
I feel that there are forces of bad at work against me atm, I dont know whether it's me just being melodramatic or whether it's really true.
Scary thing is my intuition is usually right.

 

[herbavore]

^I would back away from that guy. Even if it is in your head that you are being manipulated (and I doubt it) it doesn't sound healthy for you. And "cult of me" people get soooooooo boring!

 

[Eveleivibe]

I agree with herbavore re the man. Maybe its time you did some work on YOU n work out what you want from life.

 

[Asclepius]

^^ Thanks Herb and Evilvibe. These situations/people can cloud my head and knock my confidence...yeah, it's been something that is very confusing and upsetting (although not the source of all my present ills). It definitely is something I can't handle and I need to distance myself and just focus on myself for a while.


...and yes, Herb...you're right, it is boring, I know!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I hate feeling this way. I wish that I was better equipped to deal with this.

 

[Maya]

^What are you dealing with Capt?

 

[floatingaround]

Well I didn't get the job and that pissed me right off, then to top it off I needed a replacement health and safety card and was calling around and no one can seem to help me out.

In saying that Maya gave me some advice to calm down and it was the funniest thing I've heard all week

 

[Jean-Paul]

i didn't ever think i'd like such an upper. let alone the anti christ of uppers. not the coke i'd allowed to exist
but quietly negative in the 'speedball was good...fucking sick'
catheter
and there i was
so many biblical downers and standards of shit nothing later
in the worst burroughs dream
down on my knees
picking clean
in mirrors
with sweat borders in crystalline
residue and nowhere to go at the strike of when
i had been
i had been
somewhere
and i circled round that being and need
like a sick dog round a life
that had once been animated by cleaner skin
and less of a nightmare lens
your voice was of no help
dumb and dumn and dumb dumb dumb dumb
i listened all around the room
next to the floorboards
i heard all that nothing

 

[Eveleivibe]

I hate feeling this way. I wish that I was better equipped to deal with this.

Awh so very sorry for how you're feeling. But think how far you've come. You're doing amazing. So many would have got back on but you're fighting it n we're all here to support you. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!! Are you taking any meds to help with the withdrawals? Some say neuronton is good. Never heard of it myself so I can say but maybe ask in the PAWS thread n some may advise? Are you having hot baths????

Floating around: sorry you didn't get the job. There'll be others x

 

[plmar]

Fuck technology and fuck computers and trying to make ones life better.
Fuck money, fuck family and fuck life.
Fuck health problems, fuck teeth, fuck dentists, fuck doctors.
Fuck organs, limbs, and extremities.
Fuck every species, race, living being on this planet and every other planet in existence.
Triggering content allowed here?
Wish I was a junkie, but since I'm not and I got no friends or dealers I'm gonna waste the remainder of my money on cheap shit alcohol.

 

[plmar]

Well i've basically been told I'm not welcome on bluelight after all i was ONLY addicted to codeine. Been totally belittled n humiliated n all I did was try to help someone. Been put in my place. I was ONLY addicted to codeine. I don't belong on Bluelight. I've well n truly been told. Never felt so hurt n humiliated in life . I only wanted to help people

don't help anyone, fuck them let them fend for themselves

 

[neversickanymore]

Well i've basically been told I'm not welcome on bluelight after all i was ONLY addicted to codeine. Been totally belittled n humiliated n all I did was try to help someone. Been put in my place. I was ONLY addicted to codeine. I don't belong on Bluelight. I've well n truly been told. Never felt so hurt n humiliated in life . I only wanted to help people

also I would not allow the behavior of others to provide an excuse for you to use or drink

 

[ad lib]

Well i've basically been told I'm not welcome on bluelight after all i was ONLY addicted to codeine. Been totally belittled n humiliated n all I did was try to help someone. Been put in my place. I was ONLY addicted to codeine. I don't belong on Bluelight. I've well n truly been told. Never felt so hurt n humiliated in life . I only wanted to help people

Whoever is saying that shouldn't matter in your life. Fuck them. It's just a small percentage of the people on this website

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Awh so very sorry for how you're feeling. But think how far you've come. You're doing amazing. So many would have got back on but you're fighting it n we're all here to support you. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!! Are you taking any meds to help with the withdrawals? Some say neuronton is good. Never heard of it myself so I can say but maybe ask in the PAWS thread n some may advise? Are you having hot baths????

Floating around: sorry you didn't get the job. There'll be others x

Evey you're a sweetheart

I am drinking alcohol and using wax (cannabis extract)

I hate nicotine or I would have gotten a e-cig (nicotine represses hormones: bad for you)

I am also eatin a lot

Well i've basically been told I'm not welcome on bluelight after all i was ONLY addicted to codeine. Been totally belittled n humiliated n all I did was try to help someone. Been put in my place. I was ONLY addicted to codeine. I don't belong on Bluelight. I've well n truly been told. Never felt so hurt n humiliated in life . I only wanted to help people

You are helping

I was using heroin before suboxone. But how we got on suboxone doesn't matter. It really doesn't. Full agonist opiates are more addictive than suboxone. Don't let someone tell you otherwise. Codeine is more habit forming than suboxone.

trust me. I have studied pharmacology a while.

Whoever is saying that shouldn't matter in your life. Fuck them. It's just a small percentage of the people on this website

It could be the almost the entire world; I know better. I remember how intense the effect of hydrocodone and Oxycodone was to me. I can't lie. It was more intense than suboxone. I am not glorifying these drugs; intensity isn't a good thing for these drugs. It fucks up mind body and soul.

I can't forget all my friends who died of overdoses.

 

[plmar]

lol i punched my head and my leg started hurting im so fucking mad but that is hilarious

 

[T. Calderone]

Don't drink any more tonight Evey cos you're gonna feel like hell in the morning. I slipped up today too from being depressed, not enough to be drunk still I was doing so well. But what's the point trying to quit if I keep relapsing. And don't let anyone make you feel like you're not welcome here, that's just crap. So fuck them. You know you help people more than you might think.

 

[Maya]

^Evey you can only do so much, if you have given advice and they don't appreciate it then just leave it. You have at least cared for them and that's what matters. You can't please everyone and just let it affect you. We are here to for support but it is still up to the person to try to change their habits. It is not your responsibility that they are not listening to you, it is their responsibility, they are responsible for themselves, all you can do is try to reach out and give the advice that you can.

 

[maxalfie]

I just want to be acceptive. I tried so very hard. I only ever wanted to help others. Im just so gutted. I really thought i was helping n apart of things i never thought people were laughing I seear I only wanted to help others so sorry
Im a jokex n dont belong to bluelight i dont belong im justxa jole sorry everyone sorry

I don't think you are a joke at all Evey.
You have been very kind and supportive towards me and I appreciate you taking time out of your day to think of me.
You are accepted but I think that a 100 people could say something lovely about you and one person may say something not so nice and rather than think of all the nice things said about you, you will concentrate on the one bad thing that was said.
Ignore those folk who aren't kind or supportive towards you and instead spend time talking to folk who are nice to you.

 

[CaseFace]

Evel you've personally given me advice in the past that I have appreciated and taken to heart.

 

[floatingaround]

Hey Eve don't listen to that person. They are a small percentage. Majority of people here know your a caring person that wants to help people as much as possible. As case said, you've also given me advice and I've always appreciated it. Even when your helping other people and replying to them, it shows you have a big heart.

Last I heard you didn't have to be a full blown heroin addict to be apart of this site also..so whatever that person is saying is complete BS and are just jealous they themself couldn't avoid a stronger path of addiction.

Don't let other people's opinions of you control what you do or say. Once you worry about what they think you'll become their prisoner.