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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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was feeling weak from the stroke last week, and sick and nauseous, and fatigued, and pain in the spine problems .... 8(WTF!?!?!? jesus and I take no pain meds, no anxiety meds, just usually.... thug it out

then I'm touching the part of my stomach that also feels like a bad joke, & i made the mistake of googling "feel pulse in stomach?" feel , pulse , stomach etc..

like 99.9% of the google pages are about Abdominal Aortic Aneurism. ( history - I had a major death-defying aneurism tear in 2002 and 2 open heart operations) = INSTANT PANIC ATTACK

FUCK! I want to live. *drives to the hospital ER*



at least now my local hospital is up to date with my 2 current aneurisms , and I know for sure that none are bleeding/growing etc..

:| grrrrrrrrrr
 
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Ahh.. I'm getting frustrated at trying to see my old mental health counsellor person who knew me before my opiate addiction for PTSD, suicidalness, depression and anxiety. I have seen her about 4 times this year, constantly trying to get help, and if not her- who? Pretty bummed as I'm pretty sure she won't help me now I'm far too deep into my opiate addiction (have been waiting now for almost a month till September to get back on a script for opiates). No matter how many times I explain I am stuck, not being able to deal with my past by myself whilst coming off of benzos and opiates and ---I can weak and can't do this alone ---, she ignores my phone calls and texts.. I need to see her, I think I've been hearing voices and I'm scared I've turned myself schizo..
I wonder how long it took even my shrink to give up on me?
I just wish I could get the balls to go and get some pins and end it. I can't stop thinking of my plan.

Sorry BL, this is the only thing I can talk and be honest to.
 
^ dont be sorry hun it's the vent rant thread so feel free to vent let it out.

@corazon i know you need some support right nw. Im a few messages away hun buzz me ok?
 
fucking sick of waking up alone waking up in a state of panic constantly reliving the sickness that has inflicted it self on to my life sick of how i am so happy to see charlie jack each morning then racked with quilt about the fact i wish i had never got him because i would be gone now and the horrid feeling that some will do him what happened to my last cat that or worse i am sick of going to the doctor basically begging for help just to get told not till your clean which is impossible with out help something to replace my self medication i just wish i could od on benzo like ive been trying for the last few months but nothing seems to work i just black out my personality splits in two and the side that comes out just seems to want to destroy me distorting everything or bring up stuff that i wouldn't talk about basically endangering my my life


whats the point any more ive got noose all ready made just last time i tried up turned charlie and stopped me just before i stepped off the ledge
 
That seems messed up they won't help you til you're clean... have you tried a suboxone doctor? That just seems against the hippocratic oath. People need help GETTING clean. They need help staying clean too but for someone to approach you, as a medical professional, and ask for your help trying to fix their life, and then to just turn them away... seems wrong. I don't know if that's how it works everywhere.
 
its all because i am a poly drug user and they do not class stimulate abusers as people with real drug problems i am at my end with it all this has been the worst year of my life so far as far as wanting out and yet again i am having to take each second by second instead of day by day i really do not see myself here this time next month i am going to get it right with the benzo or rope before long

sorry to sound so pathetic with all this o look at me i am suicidal bullshit but i am truly lost
 
FG I've never found GPs really have any understanding of stimulant abuse, my doctor is a decent enough guy but to be fair there isnt much he could offer me other then trying to treat my depression.

I've had much more help from the local substance abuse service, TBH my experience has been mixed but persistence has always paid off. I have to dig deep to go to those places and talk to counselors but it has definitely helped me in finding a way forward.

I get what you are saying about self medication, stimulants do provide me with motivation and a brief view of what it is like to be free of the darkness but ultimately trap me is a viscous circle of self inflicted synthetic highs and crushing lows. Benzo abuse is no different, they relieved my anxiety and provide sleep but in the end left me with insomnia and dreadful rebound anxiety.

I don't consider myself free of these issues but I'm fighting to stay off the carousel, the longer I stay off the better I feel. It's been over a month since I've taken any illicit drugs and for me it's clear that whilst I don't believe they are the root of my problems they are preventing me from truly progressing.

Doctors and counselors have helped me to an extent but ultimately abusing stimulants and benzos will keep you unwell and push you further into that dark place ....and round we all go:|

If you need any help finding a local service or I can assist in anyway don't hesitate to drop me a PM.

ATB
 
cheers alllein ive tried the drugs counselor root and found that even worse at times that's where all this bringing stuff up started making me relive thing just guess il have to keep trying i need to move home maybe even country
 
guess its time for some sleep just how much of it will be nightmares fuck knows

today could be the day it happens not sure yet but i am done with life full stop now
 
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Fucking people aren't responsible. So many people in my life have said they would do things, and they don't follow through. They are not good about keeping in touch when they say they will, are much more careless than I in their actions.

I'm dying here. I have a really inflamed right ankle due to rheumatoid arthritis, I can barely walk... my days of social mobility are limited. I wish my friends would really understand that. But I don't want to sound desperate... because I am. Actually, I don't mind sounding desperate--I just don't want to put pressure on other people, be clingy, or feel like I am a taker in a one-sided relationship. I want my friendships to be even, two-way streets. But I've been needing so much help lately.

They don't understand that as they miss chances to give me opportunities to hang out, I am sitting here withering away. I invite them here and I see what they're up to all the time. But it's always some weird excuse or another. Am I that repulsive? What the fuck? Don't you realize that your carelessness makes me feel insignificant? Do you realize that it actually breaks my heart?

And at home, I have barely ANY time for hanging out. Because of my rheumatoid arthritis, about 75% of my day is spent just doing chores, cooking for myself, shopping, etc.... just maintenance of my being. So when I have time to hang out, I... NEED to hang out. It's my only chance, and I've been lonely.

And if something doesn't change soon, I'm gonna die. I can't fathom an existence in a wheelchair. I would lose SO much control of my life, even more than I already have. It would be hell. I am already so isolated, I don't want to be more isolated.
 
some of these posts are real tough and im just complaining about minor opiate wd going on day 3 =/ don't wanna say much, just wanna feel well enough to kick back and read a book without using any pills. few more days should be right as rain. at least this time the depression isn't that bad...
 
hating the fact I'm turning into my worst nightmare slowly.

wish i had a girl to enjoy my life with.

waitiing patiently.
 
synthetix said:
hating the fact I'm turning into my worst nightmare slowly.

wish i had a girl to enjoy my life with.

waitiing patiently.
Click to expand...

You will man... it'll happen when it happens and it will make the waiting worth it. :)
 
harmacologist said:
I am tired of being alone, but being around people is so stressful.
Click to expand...

I hear ya hun but you have to find that balance in your life, you need social life, relaxation hobbies etc. I am pretty sure you will meet people who will share the same likes as you have.
 
Xorkoth said:
You will man... it'll happen when it happens and it will make the waiting worth it. :)
Click to expand...

waiting so patiently its hurting my heart quite literally. can't wait for her to hop off the plane from SA and into my arms. but again, could be one of my delusional fantasies again. christ. 8( losing my mind with her. but i know she can set me free.

just wish i could find a girl who will accompany me through the struggles ahead. hate the age difference between us, hope it doesn't come between us, but she doesn't behave 27 at all.

felt like I've spent so long waiting. april feels years ago.
 
How many people here never had a physical addiction to drugs, it was just all mental, but still as life destroying as say a raging heroin addict who is sick both physically and mentally? I guess that is irrelevant.

What I really mean to ask is who is completely clean from using any substances? I would really like to know who you are so I don't feel as if I am the only person on BL with this ideal? I will find you whether you respond to this post or not! =D

I feel kind out of place on the site atm, perhaps it will take some more exploring as I'm sure there's still valuable threads and forum sections on here for me to use.

I never had a physical addiction, I was never truly dependent on any single chemical. I simply knew no bounds to seeking pleasure, I practiced no moderation in that seeking. Which in turn caused me to become an 'addict'. I did things I regret because of my desire to get high. I wish it could have been consequence free, and I used substances in the ideal way that so many have posted about here and on Erowid. With respect. I have always used psy's with respect, unfortunately I also fell victim to more abusive chemicals and ended up becoming an addict while on them.

I find that if I even maintain a frame of mind where I can use entheogens to improve myself, I will end up relapsing to more abusive chemicals. Is it a weakness in me? A fault? An inability to moderate any kind of intoxicants at all? Or am I just at a point where there are no more lessons to be gained, and I am simply clinging onto past memories of the beautiful wonders and enchantments of psychedelics, when in reality I must let go of this attachment to move forward spiritually and grow as a person?
 
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