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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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ugh, im fuckin up. feel weak/helpless to addiction when there are opiates within arms reach, how can i say no :( and i already been on 4+ days straight when using for a week+ then i get wd symptons and feel like shit for another week... i want to say no of course but can't fight the feelin. thing is, sure i'll fiend if none are around but i've gotten by weeks without them... right now i feel that nervous anxious and at that time it already got a hold of me, too late to turn back... scary thing is i was fine all day comimg down from the other night, just chillin then out of nowhere that urge just comes and once it does... =/
 
Maya said:
I am.absolutely lost for words. My amazing partner at work is now also planning to quit and she actually wanted to quit today already, we are overworked, overstretched and exhausted and not getting the help we need. I have tl regroup my thoughts again but i have come to a point where i just dont give a fuck if i meet our deadlines. I only have two hands so fuck it they can just fire me lol
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If you get to the point where you think they're going to fire you, you should quit first, then you won't have a firing on your resume.

JoeTheStoner said:
ugh, im fuckin up. feel weak/helpless to addiction when there are opiates within arms reach, how can i say no :( and i already been on 4+ days straight when using for a week+ then i get wd symptons and feel like shit for another week... i want to say no of course but can't fight the feelin. thing is, sure i'll fiend if none are around but i've gotten by weeks without them... right now i feel that nervous anxious and at that time it already got a hold of me, too late to turn back... scary thing is i was fine all day comimg down from the other night, just chillin then out of nowhere that urge just comes and once it does... =/
Click to expand...

I completely understand what you're saying about the urge. It's like you get to a point where you suddenly know, deep down, that you're going to use them today. Then you battle it for a bit and give in. I finished my 10 year addiction with opiates 3.5 months ago, and I haven't looked back. I want to say it was pure willpower but I used ibogaine, which gave me a tremendous amount of willpower afterwards and over the course of a week or two, simply erased all desire and craving from my brain. I haven't had a single craving since even if other people are doing them around me and I have the opportunity. But I feel your pain, I was just like you describe until then. The way I think of it is that when the craving hits, you of course want to use them in a powerful way, and the addict part of your brain works on you and attempts to make allowances: "it'll just be this one more day, then I'll stop", "I'm having a stressful day, I need them today", etc. Once you make an allowance for yourself, the seed is planted and it's going to happen. That's why, even though I feel cured completely, the only thing I ever tell myself regarding opiate use is "I will never again ingest a single bit of any opiate for as long as I live". That way there is no allowance planted into my mind.

Good luck man. <3 Feel free to PM me if you need to talk to someone.
 
So i finally get a job (been sober over 3months) and first day i have a fucking seizure.. anyways.. it fucked up my chest and whole body and ive been puking (never happened to me having a seizure.. ) and all sorts of shit an I havent gone in three days, afraid ima lose it, never got paid so much and all i can think about is suicide an xanax and i dont know what to do.. any input?
 
Have you been having seizures? I am wondering if it's a symptom of the stress of a new job/situation, or simply an extended withdrawal thing.

I'm guessing your employer is aware you had a seizure? If they're decent then they'll understand why you haven't been there for a few days. You could tell them you have seizures and are getting help for it and just do what you can.
 
Yeah thats the plan hope it goes well, they just haven't answered.. and ive had about 3 in the last 3 months. Usually only had them coming off xanax, so I stopped taking my anti convulsion's like an idiot an had two drug induced one's (nitrous and gaba sober off heroin n meth n xanax not everything lol..) an that was maybe a month ago.. pretty sure it was stress induced.. and they didn't give me lunch which doesn't help.
 
^Oh, I hope things get better soon, guy or gal... as long as you are medically safe, which I hope you are, you should be able to control your seizures with appropriate and professional medical attention. I wish you the best in both managing your stress and your sobriety.

My rant: asshats that think that those of us who face mental illness and/or addiction are somehow weak or deficient. A lot of us have come forward about our struggles in light of Robin Williams' recent death. Two of my friends (both IRL) are getting hate tweets/messages from people regarding mental illness and addiction. I was bullied (IRL and online) over anxiety a couple years back and it shook me to my core that someone I used to be friends with could treat another person that way. B& for life, I say... and fuck the haters. They must be involved in a worse struggle than I am/many of us are if they behave like that. My friends are sensible, sympathetic people who don't deserve this at all. :(
 
Hey Mariposa! Haven't seen you around in a long time!
 
^Hi Xorkoth! Yeah, got a little burned out from BL (not TDS) for various reasons. I'm glad to be back. I'll drop you a PM over the weekend. I'm fine, well, more or less. I hope you're doing well and let's catch up ASAP, feel free to drop me a note as well. Good to see you here too. :)

My rant for today would be the construction in my neighborhood that woke me up before 7 AM. It isn't illegal because they have (translation: paid the city IMO) for a noise variance. Shut your fucking cement trucks the fuck up at least on the weekends. They started at 2:45 AM the other day. Many of my neighbors are elderly or do shift work, not even to mention the dogs. Earplugs don't do much when your building shakes... as much as I support development, WTF.
 
I feel like im going to fucking explode with anger and rage!
Fuckin puke guy from the American Legion started shit with me yesterday.. he was all tough when i was walking back into my house, but when i'd walk back towards him after he would say things to me like "why are you so mad man, calm down".
1st time- "Go ahead walk away cuz you can't win" I said "Win what?" and got in his face then he said "anything, and don't give me that look" I said "I'm not giving you a look im looking in your eyes and i can see you just want a reaction from me and you're not going to get it".
Walked away again
2nd time- He said "You're just a punk" I turned around once more and said "That is one thing I am not and you're the one instigating like one".
Went to go in my house again.
3rd and last time- "Yeah go ahead, go inside and cry and watch some TV or something, you're just scared". I turned and said "OK if im scared why are you only tough when im trying to be the bigger man and walk away and thats when you run your mouth and while im in your face you tell me to calm down and ask me questions and when i answer them you say you dont need to know my life story so stop talking and i said than stop asking about it, and by the way im not scared. He said "yes you are, of yourself" I said damn right cuz i have no idea what im truly capable of (at that point i was shaking in anger wanting to knock his fucking head off his shoulders but didn't) I pushed him away from me and said im going inside now, and if your as much of a man as you are acting like you are you'll not say anything and let me walk. He said im purposely pushing your buttons, i said i know and im the wrong button to push. He yelled PUNK i flipped him off and went inside.. that was almost 24 hours ago and im still wishing i would have knocked his block off, but glad i didn't.

Sorry for the long ramble, i needed to vent.

-HOOD

EDIT: and it's been a while since i came in TDS..
I'm looking for a way to calm myself down, i can feel im in a dangerous mood and dont want anything bad to happen.
My meds are doing what they are meant for but its not enough. I'm trying breathing slowly and relaxing and it works until i think about the incident again and my BP and pulse go up and i feel like i could turn into The Hulk lol.
Anyone have recommendations to calm down and stay calm?
Letting this out here helped a little bit.
If i forget to check back in here PM me (TDS is kinda off my favorites list for BL since an argument me and some of the mods had)

Thanks for reading.
 
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man, i got a (private) parking ticket today. even worse, it was during work. staff for an event we participated in told me my pass was valid for the wrong lot. the private parking company gave me a ticket. i called and they said a lot of people parked in that lot by mistake today. "unfortunately you were not the only one." i said then it seems like a pretty reasonable mistake, i don't have any previous fines with your company, and i'd appreciate this one being waived. he said nope. then after i pushed for a while, he said he doesn't have the authority to waive the fine anyway. so now he's passing my info along to the manager. the manager obviously is not going to waive my fine because staff from some other company told me to park in the wrong lot. it's only 50 bucks, which is really only $40 because i would of course happily pay the $10 for the parking space i used, but it makes me thousands of dollars mad.

edit:
manager waived the ticket. just have to pay the $10 it was for parking. two days extremely pissed over nothing.
 
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Pissed off im sick off my life im sick of taking care of my parent when I should be spreading my wings and flying, this ball and chain is going to be the end of me. I feel hatred at myself for feeling this way like im being selfish. Im sick of my mom being such a guilt tripping bitch to me not appreciating me and constant mood swings which bring me down and make me hate myself. Today she makes me feel selfish for not buying her a car then she says she wants this new couch and guilt trips me into buying it for her saying how she shouldn't be alive and she hates begging people for things. I wish you would get a job mom you say your in pain and cant work but your stomach barley acts up anymore I haven't seen her in pain and im always in constant pain with the same stomach condition and a fucked up back. Life is pain I wake up im in pain I go to work im in pain theres been so many times I wanted to just give up but I pushed through.

Im sick of doing my fathers job for years, even now he's dead and leaves his riches to his girlfriend making sure his family wouldn't get anything so I still cant stop supporting my mother when leaving us a bit of his millions in cash would have solved this and let me move on with life. Im sick I want to apply for certain programs in school but cant because I have to support myself and my mother. I hate when people tell me God will work things out in the end because God is a phony how can I put my trust in someone hiding in a closet. I tell people Either god doesn't exist or he's unimaginably cruel. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to drive my car over to my dads girlfriends house and slap her silly telling her what horrible people her and my dad were and still are. I wish she didn't keep prolonging the court process while we are fighting to get some of his money, we have been put through enough by that awful man that is my father he made us all crazy with the awful awful unforgivable shit he did to us over the years.

I cant sign up for any courses because of this bullshit and it makes me want to give up and just move to the woods or something away from people with just my dog maybe live off the land. I hate people, well most people that is why should I be around them there are too many cocky, spoiled, fucking brats where I live who don't appreciate living with their parents while their tuition gets paid for and they don't have to spend a dime to survive they spend every dime they get on themselves like drugs or stupid shit while being taken care of not ever wanting anything. I want to make something of myself I want to help people somehow but if I cant go to school to learn im screwed so I feel like saying fuck it ill be a fucking heroin addict till I die like my plan used to be. That plan was simpler and felt right to me so why should I try and be something im simply not, a success when I don't deserve to.

well theres my rant I really needed to say this out loud and before anyone calls me a horrible person for thinking this way you haven't walked in my shoes.
 
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Hugs ts, i hope you feel better. I feel for you hun ♡♡
 
Bleh, so the day i posted I went and got some KPINS from the nehibor.. only 3mg cuz they were free(there goes 121 days of sobriety but fuck it as long as nothing hard), then I got 3 the next day n picked up 11 1mg footballs needless to say I woke up this morning with no pills and a lost saturday.. still remember a lot though, benzo tolerence must take a LONG time to go away completly
 
Fuck, so my roomies and I have had this plan to go camping, allllllll summer, and now that we found a cottage, my one roomie is leaving on the exact day I start school, so I cant even come... I'm just so pissed right now i wanna get the fuck out of this city!!!!
IF I WASNT A GIRL ID BE HITCH-HIKING A LONNNNNNNG TIME AGO!!!!

Fuck society and their creepy rapists, and fucking assholes. Fucking schedules, fucking everything just sucks, why am I even here if everything just fucks up for me all the time, especially when I actually try, it seems to turn out even worse. I just wanna cry right now and I cant even do that, I have to force it out, i hate holding in my emotions to the point where i dont know how to express them properly, I just wish it'd be over already....

All I wanted was to see nature..... see my home. Im homesick, I need the forest, the sky, the moss, the rocks. I cant live without it!! Im going insane!! D:<
please help me.........
 
^I feel ya PPV, I cant even go anywhere right now and yeah it's cause of work and all I ever wanted was a vacation but I have accepted the fact that I wont be able to do that unless I quit which is not possible this year.
 
There is nothing better then spending the whole fucking day on hold trying to talk with different aspects of the government trying to clear up a mistake they have made in order to try and grab as much of peoples money as they can.. what do they do with all that money, certainly not work very efficiently, or hire enough people to answer phones and address problems.
 
hydroazuanacaine said:
man, i got a (private) parking ticket today. even worse, it was during work. staff for an event we participated in told me my pass was valid for the wrong lot. the private parking company gave me a ticket. i called and they said a lot of people parked in that lot by mistake today. "unfortunately you were not the only one." i said then it seems like a pretty reasonable mistake, i don't have any previous fines with your company, and i'd appreciate this one being waived. he said nope. then after i pushed for a while, he said he doesn't have the authority to waive the fine anyway. so now he's passing my info along to the manager. the manager obviously is not going to waive my fine because staff from some other company told me to park in the wrong lot. it's only 50 bucks, which is really only $40 because i would of course happily pay the $10 for the parking space i used, but it makes me thousands of dollars mad.

edit:
manager waived the ticket. just have to pay the $10 it was for parking. two days extremely pissed over nothing.
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haha Glad it got waived. Sucks that you were stressed.
 
So fucking depressed.

I can't even count how many days I've had where I just sit inside feeling miserable having absolutely no motivation to do anything. Tomorrow should hopefully be better. I don't want to leave the house, but I can't look anywhere and not feel some disappointment in the way I've let my life fall apart.
 
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