Advice Unrequited Love: a ticket to insanity

[Shelbel69]

Hello friends. I am so fucked up mentally, & emotionally from being so deep in love with a man who does not nor will he ever feel the same. He is in love with someone else. It has gotten to the point I cannot & do not want to see any other men. Ever. I think I am losing my mind. I wish I could be stronger & let him go. I simply cannot. It is overwhelming to yearn for someone like this. It physically hurts & I don't know how to recover. Anyone else experience this level of pain? I think I'm toast pls advise this lost soul. Thank you

 

[Mysterier]

You may feel lost, but you are not toast. You are a human being. Please excuse my perhaps poor attempt at making you laugh.

More to the point, I understand when you give yourself to someone completely, mind, body, and soul, it is absolutely crushing not to have that reciprocated. All you want, all you need, is to demonstrate that rapturous love that you feel for that person. Knowing that you can't have them may be difficult, but try to find comfort in the fact that you do not have to stop loving them. You can find peace and happiness that they are with someone for whom they might feel so strongly.

My advice is to redirect yourself to something productive that can make you feel fulfilled differently. We never know what the future may hold, but if there's something there with him for you, then he'll come around. And if he doesn't, that is his loss. You don't have to see other men as a method of making yourself forget him or anything. Just focus on yourself and all the things that you can do for your happiness. Find your little joys wherever you might.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Hello friends. I am so fucked up mentally, & emotionally from being so deep in love with a man who does not nor will he ever feel the same. He is in love with someone else. It has gotten to the point I cannot & do not want to see any other men. Ever. I think I am losing my mind. I wish I could be stronger & let him go. I simply cannot. It is overwhelming to yearn for someone like this. It physically hurts & I don't know how to recover. Anyone else experience this level of pain? I think I'm toast pls advise this lost soul. Thank you

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I like what @Mysterier has to say about it above. I would only add, well ask, Do you have any creative pursuits? The only reason I ask is because unrequited love has inspired a helluva lot of art, poetry, music, etc. I'm kind of shooting in the dark at this point but if you have anything tangible you could channel your emotions into, that would create a great outlet and be very therapeutic at the same time.

After my fiancee passed 19 years ago, I fell into a hole of drinking and drugging and ended up attempting suicide before I ever even started doing anything productive with my emotions. Our goal here is that you never end up getting that low. After my fiancee died but before my suicide attempt, I started playing guitar. After the attempt, I confided in my therapist that I had all these ideas of songs to write to commemorate my late fiancee and asked if I should write them or keep them bottled up to myself. Of course the therapist told me to write them. I still ended up insane, but at least I have a bunch of songs to show for it.

I'm not saying insanity is in your future. But continuing to live in such despair could lead to harder times if one is not careful.

 

[Shelbel69]

You may feel lost, but you are not toast. You are a human being. Please excuse my perhaps poor attempt at making you laugh.

More to the point, I understand when you give yourself to someone completely, mind, body, and soul, it is absolutely crushing not to have that reciprocated. All you want, all you need, is to demonstrate that rapturous love that you feel for that person. Knowing that you can't have them may be difficult, but try to find comfort in the fact that you do not have to stop loving them. You can find peace and happiness that they are with someone for whom they might feel so strongly.

My advice is to redirect yourself to something productive that can make you feel fulfilled differently. We never know what the future may hold, but if there's something there with him for you, then he'll come around. And if he doesn't, that is his loss. You don't have to see other men as a method of making yourself forget him or anything. Just focus on yourself and all the things that you can do for your happiness. Find your little joys wherever you might.

Your comment about me being a human being and not toast made me giggle
Thanks friend

 

[matteric27]

Let me add that after 25 years of will we? Won't we? My "friend " decided (i.e. had something better to do) not to show up to the biggest moment in my professional career....

She is there when she needs me mostly, not always..But when I need her she's Casper the sometimes friendly ghost...

My heart is hers and she knows it, some people can't know that they have something real..
They have to search the ends of the earth to see the reality in front of them..( Sometimes? More often than not? They could care less..unfortunately)

Move on my friend, stay moved on...

 

[Shelbel69]

Let me add that after 25 years of will we? Won't we? My "friend " decided (i.e. had something better to do) not to show up to the biggest moment in my professional career....

She is there when she needs me mostly, not always..But when I need her she's Casper the sometimes friendly ghost...

My heart is hers and she knows it, some people can't know that they have something real..
They have to search the ends of the earth to see the reality in front of them..( Sometimes? More often than not? They could care less..unfortunately)

Move on my friend, stay moved on...

25 years? Your poor heart. I'm at 1 year & I tell you the pain of being straight up rejected & ignored hurts like a mother f*****r.

As for moving on, well I still text him. Sometimes call. But I haven't spent time with him in over a month. He & I are so different from each other. I really believe I became fascinated by him & his way of living. Next to him I look like a total square. Anyways, I am at this point very much aware that he is not worth chasing anymore. I can accept that he has no love towards me.

And you my friend hit the nail on the head. He could care less. Not one f******g bit.

I'll keep ya posted. For now, I'm low-key a man hater.

 

[matteric27]

25 years? Your poor heart. I'm at 1 year & I tell you the pain of being straight up rejected & ignored hurts like a mother f*****r.

As for moving on, well I still text him. Sometimes call. But I haven't spent time with him in over a month. He & I are so different from each other. I really believe I became fascinated by him & his way of living. Next to him I look like a total square. Anyways, I am at this point very much aware that he is not worth chasing anymore. I can accept that he has no love towards me.

And you my friend hit the nail on the head. He could care less. Not one f******g bit.

I'll keep ya posted. For now, I'm low-key a man hater.

Let me tell you that it took finding my way work wise , attitude wise and several other self "builders" .lol. to get to where I don't get depressed or angry or resentful towards her anymore....It is what it is ..She still randomly texts or calls and it's always drama followed by "Wanna come over?" Or "Are you home?"....

Then it's the same shit...sex...tells me she doesn't understand why we're not together and.....ghost

 

[December Flower]

25 years? Your poor heart. I'm at 1 year & I tell you the pain of being straight up rejected & ignored hurts like a mother f*****r.

As for moving on, well I still text him. Sometimes call. But I haven't spent time with him in over a month. He & I are so different from each other. I really believe I became fascinated by him & his way of living. Next to him I look like a total square. Anyways, I am at this point very much aware that he is not worth chasing anymore. I can accept that he has no love towards me.

And you my friend hit the nail on the head. He could care less. Not one f******g bit.

I'll keep ya posted. For now, I'm low-key a man hater.

Quite sorry to hear that. I know how hard it can be for women to deal with rejection, because you almost never get rejected,
but I think it's very healthy to get rejected once in a while.

Honestly it helps with this arrogant attitude a lot of beautiful women have about how they could have anyone.
Yes us males can say no, and I'm really glad there's some of us that do who are not just slaves to their dicks

I think it's a good experience. Pain makes us stronger and more resilient for more of life to come.
You will see something like that more often in life, going through it earlier is a good thing, in the end,
even if it's a very bad thing for you right now.

Just because we like someone, doesn't give them the obligation to like us, not at all.
I tell you, every single guy has dealt with this 5 times at least already.

I'd say feel the pain or distance yourself.
When I was younger, I'd stick around to feel the pain, but it's essentially self-torture.

 

[Shelbel69]

Let me tell you that it took finding my way work wise , attitude wise and several other self "builders" .lol. to get to where I don't get depressed or angry or resentful towards her anymore....It is what it is ..She still randomly texts or calls and it's always drama followed by "Wanna come over?" Or "Are you home?"....

Then it's the same shit...sex...tells me she doesn't understand why we're not together and.....ghost

I

Let me tell you that it took finding my way work wise , attitude wise and several other self "builders" .lol. to get to where I don't get depressed or angry or resentful towards her anymore....It is what it is ..She still randomly texts or calls and it's always drama followed by "Wanna come over?" Or "Are you home?"....

Then it's the same shit...sex...tells me she doesn't understand why we're not together and.....ghost

I really

Let me add that after 25 years of will we? Won't we? My "friend " decided (i.e. had something better to do) not to show up to the biggest moment in my professional career....

She is there when she needs me mostly, not always..But when I need her she's Casper the sometimes friendly ghost...

My heart is hers and she knows it, some people can't know that they have something real..
They have to search the ends of the earth to see the reality in front of them..( Sometimes? More often than not? They could care less..unfortunately)

Move on my friend, stay moved on...

I must b

Let me tell you that it took finding my way work wise , attitude wise and several other self "builders" .lol. to get to where I don't get depressed or angry or resentful towards her anymore....It is what it is ..She still randomly texts or calls and it's always drama followed by "Wanna come over?" Or "Are you home?"....

Then it's the same shit...sex...tells me she doesn't understand why we're not together and.....ghost

Hi friend, well I'm back at square fucking one again. He reached out & I didn't hesitate one second. Turned into a gushing schoolgirl. Acted like babbling idiot proclaiming how he's the sexiest man alive blah blah blah. So pathetic.

 

[Foreigner]

Hello friends. I am so fucked up mentally, & emotionally from being so deep in love with a man who does not nor will he ever feel the same. He is in love with someone else. It has gotten to the point I cannot & do not want to see any other men. Ever. I think I am losing my mind. I wish I could be stronger & let him go. I simply cannot. It is overwhelming to yearn for someone like this. It physically hurts & I don't know how to recover. Anyone else experience this level of pain? I think I'm toast pls advise this lost soul. Thank you

I've been through this. I think unrequited love is one of the worst emotional experiences in this life.

What helped me through it was time, avoiding the person, and really learning the lesson that love doesn't come from one person or thing. That's like saying the source of all life and all connection can only come from one person. Logically, we know that's not true, but knowing it and FEELING it in your heart and soul is something that takes time to develop. Love is everywhere and within you. I'm not just talking shit. What you maybe need to consider is to go on a journey in life of discovering all the channels of love that are available to you, from the smallest things to the biggest things.

Also? One time I had a lot of unrequited love for a guy, for years, when I was a lot younger. He friend zoned me after I told him I was into him, and I just waited around being his friend like a sick puppy. One night after we went raving with a bunch of people, he and I had sex. When he said he wanted to, it was like a dream come true. But the sex ended up being lousy, and then it made us connected in a way that actually felt off. He started to reveal more and more about himself to me privately, and I actually got kind of turned off by him. By then, he had seen me following him around for years and assumed I really liked him... but I ended up rejecting him! It was a "be careful what you wish for kind of situation".

That is all to say... maybe you're barking up the wrong tree and you don't fully realize it because you're viewing this person with rose tinted glasses. Or maybe you don't have rose tinted glasses, but life is still saying "no" to you for your own good, and you'll never know why. Can you trust in that no? I think if you can find that trust, you will start to feel better. Trust that it didn't work out the way you wanted, for your higher good! Sometimes missed connections are a blessing in disguise. Or maybe not. But either way, you need to gradually navigate how to invest your energy elsewhere... like in loving people who actually love you back!!

 

[Mjäll]

What you really want is to enact the purpose of YOUR capacity to love and be loved. He is just the best vessel that seemed to be around at a certain point in time. It's really about you, not him. Your awesome power is the basis for everything else here.

I guess i want to say you could afford to be a bit more full of yourself.

Maybe remind yourself of his negative qualities. Use your imagination if necessary.

My 42 cents

 

[arrall]

Also? One time I had a lot of unrequited love for a guy, for years, when I was a lot younger. He friend zoned me after I told him I was into him, and I just waited around being his friend like a sick puppy. One night after we went raving with a bunch of people, he and I had sex. When he said he wanted to, it was like a dream come true. But the sex ended up being lousy, and then it made us connected in a way that actually felt off. He started to reveal more and more about himself to me privately, and I actually got kind of turned off by him. By then, he had seen me following him around for years and assumed I really liked him... but I ended up rejecting him! It was a "be careful what you wish for kind of situation".

That is all to say... maybe you're barking up the wrong tree and you don't fully realize it because you're viewing this person with rose tinted glasses. Or maybe you don't have rose tinted glasses, but life is still saying "no" to you for your own good, and you'll never know why. Can you trust in that no? I think if you can find that trust, you will start to feel better. Trust that it didn't work out the way you wanted, for your higher good! Sometimes missed connections are a blessing in disguise. Or maybe not. But either way, you need to gradually navigate how to invest your energy elsewhere... like in loving people who actually love you back!!

I think that many people - especially if we are hurt/struggling and/or just desperate for connection - will latch on to idealizations of someone around us. We want someone to love, so if they aren't the right person then we build them up in our heads into a completely different, fake, unrealistic version that is the right person. We fall desperately in love with someone we might barely know, even if that love is unrequited. We love an illusion. An idealization. A facade. And if we get to know that person, our perfect idealized illusion shatters. We see a flawed individual, a real person who could never live up to that idealization in our heads.

I think that this may be what you experienced when you fell out of love with that guy once you got to know him. The real version of him was bad at sex and he had whatever undesirable personal issues/traits he revealed to you. He could never live up to that idealization you spent years building up in your head. And once you realized that, you were freed from the spell.

I've been on both sides of this. When I was younger, there were a few times that I idealized girls I liked but barely knew. I usually got bored of it after a few days/weeks/months, and was left confused and disillusioned. I also dated and/or was friends with girls who were obsessed with idealizations of me. All of them slowly lost interest once either their love with said idealization of me went unrequited or I had an hour/day/week where I really wasn't doing great and they saw my flaws and imperfections. Both sides of these situations can fucking suck and leave you feeling horrible about yourself.

What you really want is to enact the purpose of YOUR capacity to love and be loved. He is just the best vessel that seemed to be around at a certain point in time. It's really about you, not him. Your awesome power is the basis for everything else here.

I guess i want to say you could afford to be a bit more full of yourself.

Maybe remind yourself of his negative qualities. Use your imagination if necessary.

My 42 cents

@Mjäll has some excellent advice here. We often latch on to people because we want someone to love, not because they're right for us. We build them up into something that is right. You have the capacity to love. Use that capacity to love yourself, to learn that you can be whole without having someone else to love. Realize that until you love yourself, you cannot truly love someone else.

The way out here is to take the love and energy that you are giving that idealization and give it to yourself. You are the only one who can give yourself the love that you are hoping to get from them.

 

[CFC]

Hmm, this may be none other than the age old story of learning to love yourself Shelbel69. Much unrequited love is nothing more than our own sense of unworthiness projected onto another whose love - if only they would give it - would demonstrate to our broken selves that we are worthy and loved and good enough. Cut out the middle man and find a way to accept and love yourself by yourself, and miraculously you'll find you no longer crave love from someone who isn't really compatible with you anyway.

 

[matteric27]

I

I really

I must b

Hi friend, well I'm back at square fucking one again. He reached out & I didn't hesitate one second. Turned into a gushing schoolgirl. Acted like babbling idiot proclaiming how he's the sexiest man alive blah blah blah. So pathetic.

So...... We are always going to try to "make it work " again Shell !! Why it wouldn't be the world's best slow self harm technique if we didn't jump face fucking first into a world of pain...I had a good relapse too from time to time...

I can only offer that eventually? You're going to become bitter about him...Less apt to fall into the relapse and moreover? This is around the time I was able to eventually get my own balance back and tell her either we are going somewhere together on equal footing or is this always just me caring for you...

I found that once I didn't show my caring for her any longer and didn't contact her ever...? She started contacting me, she was worried..
She needed to see me..She
...loved me.....lol....Its fucked Shell..

.My experience is that if someone loves you they don't let you lay in bed alone crying or feeling broken over your feelings for them...
This can destroy a person's heart and future idea of love and a loving relationship...Take your time, decide what you are willing to actually lose....I'm sorry but he's not worth your heart if he can't take care of it

 

[axe battler]

I really feel your pain @Shelbel69. I have been on both sides of the unrequited feelings shitcoin and think you're certainly best off moving on. There's been some great advice here so hard to add anything new for me except maybe trying to get in his head.

From the (few) times I've been the one being pursued I know that he is most likely fond of you, and finds your interest in him very flattering and comforting. However due to the imbalance of feeling between you, he's likely to take you for granted.

I'm sure you have your own following of people, and if you don't then you should back away from him and get one!

Anyone read the Brett E.Ellis book rules of attraction? Or at least seen the film? Kinda puts a tucked up, comical 80s spin on this very topic!

 

[December Flower]

I

I really

I must b

Hi friend, well I'm back at square fucking one again. He reached out & I didn't hesitate one second. Turned into a gushing schoolgirl. Acted like babbling idiot proclaiming how he's the sexiest man alive blah blah blah. So pathetic.

oh man. This guy you seem to be madly in love with is an enormous dickhead,
keeping you around as a back-up, he must obviously know what's going on, sorry I just doubt you are subtle about it the way you write about it.

I'm a professional musician and I know my fair share of girls that had/have the hots for me, usually after singing, haha.
Keeping you around and not saying "sorry, I just don't think it'll happen" and leaving you to heal, that's a dick move.
I mean you essentially turn into a Justin Bieber fan when he's around/calling you - I'd have to tell you hands down, you're too submissive.
He might feel the same. Maybe if you really want him you need to up your game, because the "big eyed, pouty lipped, chest popping out, 'please fuck me daddy'"-submissive thing: not sexy. Very unsexy. Just my opinion, but I'm not the only guy that hates it. A lot of guys like women that take what they want and don't ask for fucking permission first. Women with a strong will and determination not to break.

 

[Shelbel69]

Hello all,

I finally saw him for what he was. An absolute trash human being who isn't worthy of my company, time and especially not my love.

I blocked him. I feel a sense of relief. No more feeling unworthy and unlovable. In fact I am pretty sure my life as the woman I have become is best lead on my own. No desire really to be with anyone but myself. No drama, no lies, no bullshit.

I am committed to my own happiness and peace of mind. I will give all my love and adoration to myself. I'm worth it.

Thanks guys for your support

 

[nznity]

I love morphine and tobacco more than life itself...

 

[Keeloverandfly]

Good for you! If you don’t want to be with anyone that is a totally valid choice. Perhaps it will last a year, perhaps a lifetime. I know very happy people who have abandoned relationships temporarily or permanently. Deep love can be found in friendship, family, community, and self love.

I have dealt with both unrequited love (briefly but intensely) and heartbreak from being dumped, the latter multiple times. In both cases, once the spell was broken and I no longer loved them, I realized how we weren’t meant to be together, and that it was a good thing we weren’t.

 

[Foreigner]

Hello friends. I am so fucked up mentally, & emotionally from being so deep in love with a man who does not nor will he ever feel the same. He is in love with someone else. It has gotten to the point I cannot & do not want to see any other men. Ever. I think I am losing my mind. I wish I could be stronger & let him go. I simply cannot. It is overwhelming to yearn for someone like this. It physically hurts & I don't know how to recover. Anyone else experience this level of pain? I think I'm toast pls advise this lost soul. Thank you

All I can say is that I know how you feel. Unrequited love is one of the worst things a human being can experience. It's especially hard for those of us who are sensitive and loving by nature. The worst experiences I've had with this are when they didn't love me when I was in love with them, and when I finally moved on to someone else, THEN they told me they wanted to be with me. I was so enraged by this sabotaging behaviour that I cut them out of my life forever.

Unfortunately, if it's making you crazy, that's the best thing you can do. Cut them out. It's not their fault exactly, but you gotta do what you gotta do to find peace. Not seeing them, not hearing about them, not accidentally running into them... are all the best things.