....thoughts of suicide?

[wesmdow]

ok.

i figure its prolly somewhat related to cutting. the people i know those who cut themselves are often in a lot of emotional pain. they cut themselves to turn the pain from emotional into physical pain, which in their eyes is easier to deal with.

i think that since i HATE cutting myself (ive tried it and it just hurt/made me feel worse), other forms of self mutilation sorta creep into my head.

if im ON coke, i feel fine (we all know how that is ), and then when i start to come down, the discomfort is STILL preferable to that feeling i get when i first open my eyes in the morning. the high/comedown easier for me to cope with than thinking of whats making me depressed.

i dont like being depressed at ALL. i feel like im being a drama queen, being so 'depressed,' when my life is actually really good. (white middle class american male)

right now all thats bothering me is:
a nasty breakup
benzo w/d (over now tho..)
50ish hours of community service to do in a month.
i cant get into school untill JANUARY. FUCK.

i think its really not being able to go to college ATM thats fucking with me. i know its petty, thats why i omitted the reasons in the OP.

does that help?

 

[wesmdow]

That and I don't cut anymore because I like to show off my body from working out. Keep in mind I'm borderline, so this may not make sense to some people.

whats "borderline?"

 

[Kerrigan]

It doesn't matter how petty it is, wesmdow, as long as it gets the help you need. And even though you may only be able to begin college in January, you're still beginning college, and you're still going to be there.

I'm not exactly familiar with the American education system, so I'm really not sure why you'd be upset about having to start late. But elaborate and ignore my ignorance, if you please. %)

 

[Jabberwocky]

Also not familiar with the US education system but if it were me I'd be glad of a few months until I started college. You could use the time to work and save money, travel for a few months, relax and do nothing?

 

[Tokey-tokerson]

Borderline personality disorder. I forget all the characteristics, but it basically means you feel things much more deeper than other people, feel lonely all the time, and have a tendency toward empathy with those around you.

 

[wesmdow]

^interesting.

that sounds kinda like me. i love xanax more than anything in the world because it makes my emotions TOTALLY numb for 4 hours. its one of the best feelings ive ever had--legitimately NOT caring about those around me or what happens in the future.

i know its sick, but it certainly feels nice not to have crappy thoughts/emotions running at 300mph through my mind.

 

[wizekrak]

It happens to me all the time, there were a couple years in my late teens and early twenties where I'd fantasize about it multiple times a day every day. Usually I'd fantasize about going out in a violent and expressive manner, Ie: shotgun in the mouth, or just simple hanging. I used to also fantasize about murder/violence as well. Basically if you've seen A Clockwork Orange what went on in Alex's head was what went on in mine. I can really sympathize with Patrick Bateman from American Psycho (in this case the book rather than the film, the book is much deeper and puts a different spin on it).

When I was actually happy the frequency would plummet. When certain things triggered an episode or I was just really unhappy for extended periods of time I'd have them multiple times a day. I couldn't really focus on work or do anything productive either.

The head space is quite unique. For me at least it's total alienation and depersonalization. My contempt for humanity grows and I find myself totally apathetic on all fronts, even with regard to my own survival. It would get to the point where I had no interest in living (sometimes I still don't) and figured a quick death was the answer. Usually I can tell these thoughts are irrational and I know I shouldn't act on them. The really scary days are the ones where suicide seems like the best answer. Now I haven't had one of those periods in 7 or 8 months so I'm glad about that. Although I know what my triggers are but they're impossible to avoid. I don't do drugs (aside from a cup of coffee or a couple drinks of alcohol). I still grapple with it relatively frequently, today actually, but I can keep it under control for the most part.

What you're experiencing is not normal. I think when I'm down I find some perverse joy in it, as if I want to ride it as deep as it will go. It's a slippery slope my friend.

 

[Ximot]

Caring need not lead to feelings of futility. Extensive xanax use will, though.

 

[pyrrhicvictory]

The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad night. ~ Nietzsche

I'm sure clinically speaking "thoughts of suicide" are not considered normal, but I would bet that more people have them than you would think. Even to those who would never carry out such an act can find comfort in the fact that a situation that seems to be hopeless or inevitable has an option at least, an emergency way out if you will. I don't think that is an unusual thought at all, but of course I could be wrong.

pyrrhicvictory

 

[wesmdow]

o trust me, i know about xanax.

xanax (or other benzos) are just the only SURE fire way to make me feel OK for a few hours. they clear up my mood, and i no longer have so many unwanted negative thoughts.

wizekrak- you sound very much the polar opposite of me. i care too much about every damn thing. cant let things go... negative feelings and thoughts can linger for weeks or months, even if i know logically that its stupid for me to feel that way.

i envy you. i really do.

and i only say this coming from MY perspective, which is HYPER-emotional.

doesnt sound like you have too much fun with it tho......

ALSO, it might be important to note that i am not addicted to anything except marijuana. ive never told that to a medical health professional and i dont think i ever will. they just blame the pot, even tho ive had these symptoms since i was a little kid.

...but since this is a drug-board, i figure i might as well come clean.

i dont do coke very often. mayne once a month, if its free. i dont roll anymore, i dont do any psychedelics or uppers (other than coke).

unless its the pot, which i HIGHLY doubt, these/this isnt caused by drugs.

 

[thujone]

if you live you may yet have good fortune but all the dead are dead alike

 

[Jabberwocky]

Borderline personality disorder. I forget all the characteristics, but it basically means you feel things much more deeper than other people, feel lonely all the time, and have a tendency toward empathy with those around you.

This is interessting, would you be able to explain it a little more in-depth for me from a personal point of view rather than me just reading bullet points off a website? Would be very grateful but if not I understand %)

 

[tango]

From 'Girl, Interrupted' -

'The debate was wearing me out. Once you've posed the question, it wont go away. Anything I thought or did was immediately drawn into the debate...Actually it was only a part of myself I wanted to kill, the part that wanted to kill herself, that dragged me into the suicide debate and made every window, kitchen implement and subway station a rehearsal from tragedy'

Wesmdow, I don't know the answer but I do know how you feel. Knowing that I was thinking about suicide was scary and confusing, and I know when it was on my mind there seemed to be references to it everywhere.

Maybe you could think about your opinion on these thoughts. Are you actually scared of them, or only worried because you don't think they are normal? Simply accepting the thoughts helped me slightly. There is no need to justify why you feel that way, perhaps you just need to accept that at this time you do, and it doesn't mean that you will ever end up killing yourself or even that you are not normal. You don't need to think of reasons of why your thinking that way, because it may be that trying to figure it out is causing you even more stress.

I know that once I started trying not to think about something, the thoughts would become invasive and almost obsessive. maybe a similar thing is happening in your case.

Tokey-tokerson, I also tend to feel much empathy with others when I'm feeling bad myself. Seeing an old man on the train the other day filled me with such a sense of sadness. I don't even really understand why. It's ridiculous, For all I know, he has the best life in the world!

 

[OsterHase]

to start, im not gonna kill myself.

BUT...... it doesnt stop the movies playing in my head.

whenever i feel really, really down, it comforts me to think of the cold steel of a pistol in my mouth, followed by the terrible sting of a bullet peircing the roof of my mouth, followed by PEACE.

this happens often to me. i often fantasize about suicide.

...ive never told anyone about it, because i dont want to hurt them

is this normal?

do yall fantasize about killing yourselfs 3-4 times a day?

Its the same with me (minus the gun part, tend to think like jumping out of windows, car crashing or something "softer").

Nevertheless I know i'm too much of a "pussy" to actualy put off myself of my misery so I just keep living day after day the same sad way

 

[motiv311]

lets face it.. thoughts become actions. thinking about suicide could lead to suicide. and if I were you, id figure out whats missing in your life and fix it.

I do wayyyy to many drugs. and even in the blackest meth comedown I won't think thoughts THAT negative.. you guys creep me out.. XoXo! .... no seriously

 

[startenhash]

to start, im not gonna kill myself.

BUT...... it doesnt stop the movies playing in my head.

whenever i feel really, really down, it comforts me to think of the cold steel of a pistol in my mouth, followed by the terrible sting of a bullet peircing the roof of my mouth, followed by PEACE.

this happens often to me. i often fantasize about suicide.

...ive never told anyone about it, because i dont want to hurt them

is this normal?

do yall fantasize about killing yourselfs 3-4 times a day?

wow, that and a few of your posts on this topic remind me so much of me, and what i think about.

except for me its not a gun, but throwing myself in front of a heavy moving object, or killing myself with heroin.

i know i'm not going to kill myself
but i wish i could
i think about it every day at least

the main reason is because i don't see any point to life, and i find life too hard to live, i just wonder, why bother

why go through all this stress, when you don't have to?

i also thought it was fairly normal to think about suicide a lot. especially if you know you're not going to do it.

the few people i have told in real life don't really seem to care, they know i'm not going to do it, so i think me talking about it just seems overdramatic to them.

but i'm seriously unhappy. can't they see this? i suppose there's not much they can do anyway.

i also take drugs to numb the pain and these thoughts
mostly just pot though, i'm not in a position to get/afford anything stronger.

*shrug*

i don't know how to deal with these thoughts.

 

[basix]

i was the same for a while, I didnt realise at the time but all my suicidal thoughts started when I started taking the SNRI antidepressant Remeron. I would fantasise about commiting suicide down to exact details.

I had it all planned out, I was going to do it by a drug overdose. Started stockpiling barbituates, benzos, GHB, etc ready for when I would do it. I never mentioned these thoughts to anyone and didnt even realise that they were abnormal until I stopped taking antidepressants. Literally the day I stopped taking these meds I never had one more thought along these lines.

Looking back it really scares me how close I was to carrying it through, and made me realise how dangerous psych meds like remeron were for me personally.

I dont think its neccesarily unhealthy to "consider" commiting suicide occasionally. I mean everyone has all sorts of irrational and bizarre thoughts/fantasies that come through their heads. It's only becomes a problem IMO when they start to consume you and you actually start taking steps to go through with it, thats when you should seek help from a proffesional I think.

 

[banksy]

I dont think there has been a month pass in my life without me thinking about suicide and when I am not too stressy, I can get it down to weekly, at the moment I am being tormented with daily suicidal idolatolry fantasies. I think its a family issue...

 

[AmorRoark]

I have a couple reoccurring suicidal fantasies. The most common is jumping off cliffs/buildings. This fantasy particularly worries me because I usually think of it while I'm on a balcony of some sort. Where's the line from mere thoughts to actions? According to a lot of psychiatrists one should be put in a hospital if suicidal thoughts reoccur enough... but what's enough?

The other fantasy is more disturbing (at least, in my mind). I usually think of it when I'm lying in bed and depressed. I envision some random burglar coming in my room and shooting me smack-middle of the forehead.

I know neither of these are healthy but I think, as deathrow mentioned, they're used as an escape mechanism. Thus far, this type of fantasy has been lesser of two evil escape routes (fantasy vs. cutting).

On a side note, I think it's really interesting how different suicide fantasies seem to be between men and women. I think this directly correlates with the method of suicide in relation to sex statistics. Thoughts?

 

[cucarot]

suicide fantasies..wow..i've never heard such thing...are you people okay?...