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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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ShroomySatori said:
Just feel more chill now well not even just better able to cope with stress. Had a fun and really busy week so I am going on 5 months now. I was around morphine randomly and had no desire whatsoever to get them. Thought didn't cross my mind at the time so I think I'm good for the time being and Im sure I could have gotten really high. Not interested. My back has been hurting bad since this has been the busiest week so far this year.
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That's good, but just be careful with things like that. I've handed over my old stash on purpose after getting out of jail and then rehab. Hundreds of dollars, knowing I could have easily walked next door and sold it. It's a good thing for sure, definitely a sign of change for me. But I"m not out of the woods just yet.. relapsed a few brief times since then.

On the tail end of my taper off benzos and opioids. Down to 7-15mg/day oxycodone, coming up around 2 weeks benzo free. Been dealing with a lot of stomach problems, getting violent coughing and retching spells. Not sure what exactly is going on, but guessing its related to benzo WD, seems to always happen. Started smoking weed again, but in moderation and I couldn't really care at the moment. I don't see it as problematic and given my current circumstance, it is helping with back pain and WDs. I don't want to be tethered to a pipe again, but I can worry about quitting weed once I get past these next few weeks.

These relapses are getting scary, even for me.. can't imagine what my family must be thinking. It's at the point now where if I relapse, I black myself out to the point where I can't regret relapsing. It's no fun feeling shitty, but the feeling when even the drugs don't lift your spirits is utter hopelessness... the one thing I could rely on has become unreliable, type of feeling.

Tears are welling up in my eyes... my emotions are all over, but I know I'm heading in the right direction at least, for once... I"m going outside.

Hope everyone is doing ok, hang in there even when things seem hopeless.
 
I wouldn't be able to hand them over. I can't be anywhere near the stuff. Run the other way. One of the last times took 60mg IR oxy and discarded a gram remaining like I was back and forth nobody to give them to and I wouldn't anyway I'd take them so off the fuckers go. That dose with benzos overdosed me not to the hospital but a full day blackout.

I think benzo WD messes with your immune system I'm not sure but I have the coughing problem now as well. Well... caught a girls cooties in my case lol so not bothering me much at all as it was very much worth it and I was warned. Everyone seems to be sick around here, maybe you actually have a flu but benzos really mess with my digestion too.

When I get high now I don't know my tolerance well I don't get high on those anymore but I ended up pretty much overdosing and it wasn't happy, euphoric, creative stimulation melting into physical relaxation like how it was for me before. They used to be so chill and withdrawal at first was like whatever. It took time a lot of time and a lot of drugs to ruin me.

Last time I relapsed I blacked out, got caught slouched over barely moving for 12 hours apparently. That was a wakeup call, but I still didn't really think much of if I had died, in terms of caring. Shit was making me suicidal it is a very powerful drug. I get one good high in though if I get the dose right and if a million other factors work out. Then I start immediately withdrawing, it's insane and past 4 months it has been hell on earth lately. The post-acute withdrawal I am sleeping 4 hours or less every night and that's cool for like a week but for months? I am only doing this once I'd rather die than go through this ever again that miserable sickness fucking bullshit.

Still hooked on benzos and a total pothead I guess I can accept that for now. Both of them are irritations but I have to start doing stuff. The stress level in post-acute withdrawal is extreme. I am getting stressed over nothing. Can't sleep or eat I almost always feel exhausted. Feels like I past the point of no return.
 
I think going back after this long would really fuck my body up. It's really my last chance and I am having cravings. It is crazy how the drug can take grasp of the mind and delude it. I'm thinking of a dilaudid high right now. Yeah but what about the time I was tapering and it is somewhere in these pages when I was doing well and down to like a measly 30mg oxy / day or something compared to before and then I took an equivalent oral dose of dilaudid and had the best dilaudid high of my life. Didn't really understand that it was like the stars aligned I will never forget it. But I was suicidal for 10 days after that, like I am in opiate withdrawal, but without the sickness so like, that is not a good place to be.
What about how after 17 weeks, I even still feel like shit though. All the hell of withdrawal need I say more. It has been shit for me I made my life hell. I'm recovering fine, I guess, still feel stupid most of the time. Just need to get over these cooties lol I have my friend's cold that would be a good start. This stuff fucking did a number on me I'm even still not right. A lot has changed in 4 months though and a lot could change over the next 4 months.
 
Yeah I was thinking that benzo WD messes with the immune system as well. I've blacked myself out for days, even weeks at a time. This past month is a complete blur, with most of it missing and only little flashes of what happened. That's been one of the harder things to accept and deal with. All the stupid, embarassing, offensive shit I did while too fucked up to comprehend what was even happening, but yet I'm still responsible for. Not any fun, but I'll be glad when I get past this and it is something that needs to happen so that I can fully move on.

How long have you been at 150mg squeaky?
 
I've started looking into careers now. I feel that I am able bodied enough to work full time again. A problem might be getting back into the workforce and trying to explain myself because it doesn't sound good to say I had to work through a severe injury. I have been fired in the past, about a week after someone asked me to help them lift something (not part of my job) - but it seems that those with chronic pain are demonized in the workplace. I am never mentioning it to an employer again. My body is pretty good at this point could probably hide the disability at least for the probationary period so that they can't do it 'without cause' (the fucker has back pain, everyone lets assume he's a junkie and a weakness little pussy to fire).

I lost all my confidence in the workforce and in my opinion it was entirely due to having back problems at the time. Yes I was self medicating with opiates but I was doing my job. That shit really fucked me up because every time it was on the spot too, a surprise. Honestly someone is lucky they didn't get killed (and me). I was very close to beating the living fuck out of some HR people and it was like everyone was in on it. Everyone knew in advance I'd be fired it was an inside joke. A fucking ins I can't even fuckin think about it ever since I hurt my back I've been unable to work.

I found the confidence today but I don't have the energy. I do though. I just have to start trying it is like breaking through the ice. Once I get going I won't stop until I have a more stable life. I'm confused about what I want to do. It will take time to get into my career. I can do something chill in the meantime too but still full time, like for the summer. There is also the fact that my career is totally the wrong chosen path for me. It is only by far the best means of making up for all the lost income to drugs and getting my life back on track so in the future I can be self employed and own my own business and actually treat employees respectfully and not have this bullshit hierarchy like a group of monkeys. I have a lot of ideas.

Pisses me off that I fucked up my spine like that. Realy, like what the fuck. The life that I had at the time was really, really fun and all of a sudden it was nothing but hell on earth back pain I could no longer work and I moved like a 15 hour drive away from home to work. No warning or performance review. I don't like feeling disposable like that. The back pain during those first 2 years before I tried opiates was worse and more stressful than the damned withdrawal has been. By far.

I'm still sick (like actually sick the flu, I had to call in sick today).
 
My script is 90 mg/day. Problem is a small percentage of people are naturally resistant to opiates. I built a tolerance almost immediately when I was first prescribed norco. In the hospital after my last surgery they gave me 80 mg oxy every 4 hours plus 4 mg Dilaudid every 6 hours, for two days I think. Then dropped the Dilaudid for a day. Then dropped to 60 mg oxy every 4 hours for 4 days approx.
You read it right.... That was 480 mg oxy + 16 mg Dilaudid per day, and I was lucid. I remember clearly discussing the reductions to drop Dilaudid and later to reduce the oxy. All because I decided that it was reasonable to cut back. My wife says I didn?t sound high or have slurring speech. I was deciding on my own to get out of bed and walk 2 or 3 times a day, about 48 hours after the last surgery(physical therapy with a walker). And I remember most of it.
It sucks because Im looking for pain relief, but I really only get it at a level that no doctor would prescribe.
I was really fortunate that the hospital in-house doctor was a lunatic and the nurses were as well, because I had two surgeries at a different hospital 2 years prior and getting pain relief was next to impossible. It was a fight to get my surgeon to write the script and we had to bug the nurses at times to bring the meds on time.
The only reason I have 150 mg/day to use right now is because I was off the pills for a couple of days at the start of this month. And I will be cutting way back in the next few days so I dont run out.
At 150/day I have little pain. At 60, I am really only controlling wds, with a break from hurting once or twice a day for about an hour if Im lucky.
My hope is that the surgery worked, but that I have some nerve damage that is taking longer than normal to resolve itself. My surgeon seems unconcerned with the pain, and I believe him to be one of the best in his field.

So here I wait.
 
I am waiting as well. I don't know what for. Sounds like the hospital visit jacked up your tolerance dude and it goes down but doesn't stay down at least for me. Goes right back up to the peak in about a day. Sucks.

I made great friends with a couple women recently and this has helped my energy a lot. I can't date I need a job which is tough now. Not that I don't feel employable, I feel that incidents in the workplace related to my chronic pain in some way, I felt very much rejected and this reaction has stolen a lot of my confidence since I feel (know) I was fired due to the disability holding me back and completely unaccommodating employers who treated me as disposable and I guess that I am. I was qualified for the jobs. I wasn't really ever showing up sick because I was making money. I guess this just made me realize that the opiates (other than insufflated heroin) could not actually treat my back pain at all, or I wouldn't have been still distracted by pain and have been able to work. They only ever worked temporarily and now after 17 weeks I realize that there was always a pain rebound, making me feel that the pain was worse than it actually is. However I have put a lot of effort into my own way of physiotherapy this year too.

Now that I am not so caught up fiending drugs hustling money for them or depressed over women all the time, and my back is at least not totally fucked, I see that much more damage has been done than I realized initially. I am thinking bad thoughts about myself and how I don't even really work. How I became unemployable and still chose that shit over a life. I'm so far behind now in life its like, I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do and probably lying as well to even get back into the workforce anywhere.
 
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Man I'm in a shitty life situation too. It is 17 weeks now. I need to get going there isn't really time to waste and I still don't feel right. I feel like breaking down and just fucking off from everything forget yoga forget whatever else I'm doing and just sit here and shut off my mind. I am so angry I got myself so caught up in this shit and how long it went on. I lost my 20's to this habit, essentially.

It's really only uphill from here though not including the benzos. I feel completely drained today but it's not like I was any better on the pills. My back hurt more, even. from the fluctuations.
 
Gotta look forward Shroomi.
When I was 6 years old I was looking backwards, talking to a friend, while walking forwards in line at school. My teacher yelled at me to turn around and I did. I turned around just in time to walk right into a metal pole. Almost 40 years later I still have a scar on my face.
Its corny, but I guess it is a good analogy for life. You have to know what is behind you, but you cant give it too much attention. Otherwise it will damage your future and everyone else can see it, all over your face.
You havent wasted time. You have gained the wisdom of a life experience that most people will never understand. You are in the unique position of possibly helping someone in the future who is struggling through the same situation.
People are drawn to honesty. Not only in words but also in actions. Perhaps you will be able one day to turn your experience into a career or a relationship. By sharing your struggle with another person you may gain their trust and open doors that were not available what you were just another nobody looking to get laid.

Im trying to stay more positive about this crap. There HAS TO BE some silver lining here.
 
Yo just the last part you said right there it is true. It has to do with the concept of karma, what goes around comes around. I wish I could give an example of this that happened recently but I can't, too personal. Not necessarily in this incarnation though in this lifetime if I don't start doing productive shit I am going to end up a ghost. People who go through shit like this can bounce back and become extremely successful. I don't know if that is me, I'm pretty dumb and I'll probably run out of benzos and have a fatal seizure at some point. It sucks how ya get clean and then all this time later I may not wake up sick anymore, but I still feel like shit. I am more sensitive to feeling like shit in general too.

I am worried that i am going to make an attempt and I know I wouldn't say shit else about it because the suffering is becoming worse and worse to the point that I am starting to block myself out. I think I should go to yoga tomorrow. I fall apart without it and the teacher is such a cutie we are friends and she is a cali girl lol. I don't think she actually is but she totally is so I call her that lol. Little things like that are fun. So I should go tomorrow but like, I've been laying in bed depressed all weekend and sick from the flu.

Oh right. I have to get weed in the morning and that will postpone it. Stupid fucking weed man I honestly hate that I got into it so young. I'm as much of a fiend as any 2 pack a day smoker. I can't do both yoga and get weed as soon as possible (I'd have to wait an extra hour) and despite (trying to) saving a hit for the morning I don't think I'd be able to go to the class without self harming or vomiting or feeling so stupid I can't drive to begin with. I can't concentrate without pot so I suck at yoga and exercise in general when I'm not really stoned. This really sucks but I need to chill out anyway so I think I will get stoned and ride my bike a little bit! That should be fun, and I have to do yoga Tuesday anyway.

Whenever I was H sick it was hell on earth, but I wasn't going to die. You see, I'm trying to talk my way back into using it. I'm sleeping 4 hours a night. Taking way more benzos since I got addicted to them both at the same time and I need both of them to be functional. So I could get by on way less benzos, but I would likely overdose quickly. If not quickly then at some point. I'd also be using needles because that's what a long term addict would do and my arm is covered is self harm scars anyway. It's not worth it I'm so stressed over some things especially finances and my career and how fucked I am. I need to be applying to jobs around the clock but I'm too lazy apparently to do one. The only reason I'd get it would be to rail some and see what changes in life because I used to at least work and be able to think straight.

The problem is that the sickness eliminates all job prospects. With benzos it is such a horrific fear that essentially I am forced to use them. There is much more incentive and the anxiety is a motivator. Dope on the other hand I use in great excess without planning ahead for my next fix until I can't get the fuck out of bed to hustle it. I would exclusively use H to commit suicide by snorting an eighth. I would have a few minutes to reflect on my life, or experience dying, instead of it being instant like a needle plus I could miss. I could be on my favourite cliffs too with a beautiful view. Alone, of course, hoping not to be found.

This is hell. It has to be post-acute withdrawal from oxy's 4 months in. I don't know why else everything would become SO much worse all of a sudden - unless it is the xanax abuse fuckin with me a few months later but I really highly doubt that. I hope that I don't choose on an impulse to kill myself with drugs because I would like to have some sort of life. I'm missing out on so much. I want it to be over. I wouldn't remember and I'm excited to see what happens when I die. Plus nobody gives a FUCK out this junkie scum anymore, at least in my 'real life'
 
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I can't say that I'm cured but I can say I've been clean 4 days. I'm feeling better apart from the nausea. Last night I had some Baclofen and thank God I did. I felt so much better about an hour after taking it. It slows down your central nervous system making you very lethargic but it same time slows your symptoms to a crawl.
 
Squeaky said:
I?m back to 150+mg oxy/day. Gotta start cutting back again ASAP!
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I had a few days of using quite a bit more than prescribed too. I needed to get out and have some fun. I just went to dinner with a guy but I am so nervous about getting Migraines or having bad back pain hit me that I don't feel confident enough to go anywhere unless I take extra medication with me and I always end up using it. I have also been forcing myself to do more and be more social but that seems to require more medication.

Damn! I am afraid to even count my pills. I have got to cut down now massively.

I have been so isolated for so long just waiting to "heal" but it has been so long that I have realized this is as good as it is going to get. I have been left with slurred speech due to my head injury (car accident) and a lot of disability. I made the decision that I have to carry on with life now. It has been very nerve wracking to even talk to other people again and going places is hard. I have met some cool people though. I just need to relax and get back to my prescribed amount (or less now) and be okay with this disability.

That is one of the main problems I see us all hitting- we do good but as soon as we have to go back out into public, work, family, etc.. We all kind of tend to take more medication because it is scary. Being different.
 
ShroomySatori said:
This is hell. It has to be post-acute withdrawal from oxy's 4 months in. I don't know why else everything would become SO much worse all of a sudden - unless it is the xanax abuse fuckin with me a few months later but I really highly doubt that. I hope that I don't choose on an impulse to kill myself with drugs because I would like to have some sort of life. I'm missing out on so much. I want it to be over. I wouldn't remember and I'm excited to see what happens when I die. Plus nobody gives a FUCK out this junkie scum anymore, at least in my 'real life'
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Hey, first of all you have the want to stay clean and to have some semblance of a life. Lots of people don't have that....You're way too hard on yourself, and what you're experiencing may very well be PAWS, so realize that and come here more and rant to us, we can help you through this.

You're at a low point now but we are "real life" people that understand and care about what you're going through and we certainly don't think you're ''junkie scum".

Here for you anytime,
Hugs,
Ashley.
 
Thanks for the hugs Ashley. I could use a hug at the moment. I do not think I am that either. 4 months is rough. Not enough time to rebuild a new life at all and it starts getting really frustrating since it is still a long time.

The physical activity is so important and yoga theory I am learning it is a discipline that I need in my life. I got into a new asana today with the help of my friend (halasana) I felt accomplished. I killed that one firs try like the other one I can't remember but a tough balancing pose. This was a yin pose really good for the spine but tough to get into. I knew I could do it though I've been at this over 4 months now. It is really hard one at least for me I'm going to need my friends help again and you have to be careful at the cervical spine like just not move the neck (not where my injury is so it's cool). I'm getting into asanas I could not do when I was an athlete before I hurt my back. I am sort of skinny as fuck though not bad I just used to be bigger. I think it's better to be at a moderate to light weight having spine problems. Never had chicken legs like this before it's sweet to be flexible. Learned about one of the yamas in yoga that has to do with excess as well. I excessively smoke pot. I was on my way to a herb run haha and sort of felt like shit cause I was out for a while. I managed to save a couple tokes for before class and got really stoned and I found this to be completely ironic as I was having such a hard time conserving my stash so I could get high for the class on my way to get more weed lol. I got a 3 gram nug that is beautyyyyyyyy

It will only really be up from here I can't see this getting worse with the effort I am putting in and how long it has been but I'm still not right. I think whatever I have I had before too. I don't know about PAWS except I am suspicious because I am sleeping poorly and that is not right. And I am extremely anxious. My back hurts periodically and I find myself cravings an oxy.

I just want to a normal life, I started looking at careers yesterday but I need to be more proactive. At least the thought is in my mind to have a job and girl and nice place and all these things instead of wasting away. It's definitely post-acute withdrawals at least in part making things a lot worse. My mind hasn't adjusted to being without it yet and it will take a long time.

Got some good chron this afternoon. Feel more stable when I have more weed around.I wonder if things will turn out alright.
 
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