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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Yes yes yes!!! I got xanax's, so so so relieved. If I didn't find them today I was done for. I take 20mg of xanax a day minimum, and those withdrawals are really not fun when you go from a dose like that, to 10mg valium every 12 hours and pretty much nothing else other than some baclofen.

It was scary, made me really nervous that I was going to have a seizure. I haven't been able to type. I haven't been able to move.

I could get down to that dose in a couple weeks and stabilize if I really wanted to, but I don't quite yet. Xanax junkie, whatever. I'm focussing on one thing at a time and presently I am 44 days off opiates. That is about as long as I have ever made it.

That was a close call. I wouldn't have gone to the hospital due to my morals and values. If I got cancer, I'd never do chemo for example. I hate the health care system in this country so much, that I would rather die than attempt to be treated by something that has only ever done me and many people I know harm. So, the plan was that if I didn't get my xanax bars today, I was going to accept cold turkey withdrawal and wait for the seizures.

I am feeling so damn relieved now, just took 3 bars it is kind of like getting opiates when you've been sick for a really long time and want strong relief. It's an absolutely gorgeous day out and I'm about to go for a walk! I had a nice vegetable pasta this morning, so I'm already fuelled for a lovely neighbourhood walk in the sun. Got my headphones, good to go.

I was really nervous for a while. I'm still calming down. I took 20mg etizolam this morning because I couldn't take it anymore, the rest of my stash. I was going to start seizing and by the grace from which all energy arises and returns I was able to postpone this problem and get my head straight while I continue to recover from the opiates. I wasn't able to eat food or even really drink water or sleep and my back has been killing me off the benzos... it's really not the time for doing anything but keeping my dose stable.

My tolerance became extreme as I have never abused them apart from using them for panic attacks, up until the heroin withdrawals were so bad and frequent that I became suicidal and I had around 10 grams of etizolam and a few of raw xanax, and whenever I was sick I would take insane doses because I guess I wanted to die at the time. It's just not cool. What's up bro. Get your shit together but I really needed these today or I was going to run into very serious trouble. Really really grateful, maybe I have my guardian angel to thank. I found a statue of a beautiful lady with wings all dirty in the shack outside and brought it inside the other day. I don't like to see neglect. I see it so much in myself, the least I can do is give that statue a nice home while I'm around.
 
Oh thank God you got the Xanax today! That worried me badly! Prayer answered immediately I see. I'm so thankful for that.
Don't want to loose you Shroomy. You have come so far.

I know that relief you are speaking of. It was even more powerful of relief than going from severe opiate withdrawal to taking opiates.
Your entire body just relaxes and you can breathe again. Whew! You were getting into dangerous territory! Just so glad you got what you needed and are feeling that relief.

Yeah, don't worry about "Xanax junkie" whatever. You have come far and just concentrate on one thing at a time. You are still dealing with coming off that heroin and you have done so good! I suspect that the benzo's are what is helping you to not feel your chronic back pain so much. They most certainly do help for pain. Especially back pain. They do keep your skeletal system loose.

Thanks for checking in and letting us know you are alright. That scared me when I read that.

Ps: I liked hearing about you finding the beautiful lady statue and bringing her in and giving her a good home.
You have more than your share of guardian angels I tell you! :)
 
Painful One it was horrible. Imagine I seized out and nobody even knew of my habit. My dose is so high it's going to take time to find a psych willing to work with me. I hope my GP agrees to, as my valium prescription is now useless and I don't use opiates anymore I may as well tell her. As she is really nice, I am comfortable around her, I suppose as she is blond and hot lol and finally scripted me the valium to keep me away from that PM doc who was giving me oxy's like candy. It worked. I regained her trust but I wish I got 20 or 30mg diaz a day haha maybe 40.

Yes this is why I am more mobile now. When I was in withdrawal my back pain was so bad as it's spinal and benzos are skeletal muscle relaxants right. So yeah. I'd have a way rougher time without them dealing with depression, anxiety, mood swings, chronic pain so I need to taper down to a reasonable dose. Not until next year.

I seem to be a magnet for guardian angels if only it were the same with the ladies hehe. Ahhh they don't like me so all the sexy angels and hot dmt entities got my back.

I was just out walking for like almost two hours wow. Smoked some bong before, got so stoned as I could finally enjoy the weed, having the xanax. Only thing is I have been taking baclofen and cyclobenzeprine, both dirty sedatives in my opinion but they will knock a benzo tolerant person out. I can't wait until they are out of my system and I'm too concerned to take more xanax like I need to because of those other sedatives (my blood levels must be so low still and I'm still anxious). And I really want to go to a meditation class tonight. I had a big pasta for breakfast, it really is an important meal for the day. I need another one now if I'm going to be hitting up yoga. I was walking fast and frequently adjusting my posture.

I was pretty much catatonic and shaking with anxiety those days. I'm not going to complain, that's how I chose to deal with a year of daily chronic extreme anxiety and panic attacks a couple years after I hurt my back. Then I abused them when I was getting off dope because I thought I was going to die anyway and I could barely feel them in withdrawal. I could take 20mg xanax in heroin withdrawal and not even feel it, then get dope and do it and looking back I am happy to be here! It would have been a fuckin disaster if I didn't get my stuff today I really need to keep track. Like, I'm not even kidding. My entire life would have fallen apart and it would have likely resulted in me being forced into a long term situation in which I would rather die. Such a relief I got my zans. The thought of that impending doom of a situation wasn't going to leave my mind until I had them in my hands.
 
I'm at my wits end. If I stop posting, I don't think you can assume anything much. Suicide, forced inpatient leading to suicide, death from seizure. I have a buddy from here who I keep in touch with, he'll know my obituary. I see it happening in the following week as I can't come up with the money for the xanax anymore and I'd prefer to die than run out of it. I need the money for xanax so I can't smoke weed anymore, and I become suicidal and extremely impulsive and manic without pot for a solid month. I also can't eat without puking, and it's midnight and I am wide the fuck awake because I haven't smoked in 4 hours. I have to wake up every few hours during the night for a bong toke, because I am that fucking addicted. I will literally get zero sleep again tonight because I didn't smoke a fucking hit of a plant. It is like a cigarette smoker, but worse in my opinion. I don't smoke because it makes me sick to my stomach and I hate them.

I already feel the extreme, relentless anxiety of being without cannabis creeping up. The shit never even helped me, I got psychologically addicted to fiending bong rips and then got physical symptoms too. If I wasn't spending hundreds of dollars on pot this year, I'd have a fucking xanax supply. I'm done with that drug, it's a stupid waste of money at my age when it does absolutely nothing but make my anxiety worse and make it hard to keep track of when I need to take a benzo and cloud my mind from applying for jobs. I quit for 3 years and I felt like a new man, "just weed" my ass. I was grinning from ear to ear earlier, and I haven't had a bong rip in 4 hours and feel like slitting my wrists.

This is not normal thinking for me and happens every single time I abuse cannabis. It is NOT the time to stop when my life is at risk, particularly due to financial reasons and the disgusting society we live in, and my own foolish idiocy. I don't want it to keep happening. There's only one way. How to disappear completely.
 
I've never, ever been serious about it like this. I feel like I could tie up a noose this very moment. I don't give a fuck my life has been nothing but fucking garbage! A complete waste of potential and before anymore is wasted, the energy needs to be released back from which it arose. I'm completely out of my mind without pot I've been smoking SO much and it doesn't do fucking shit but get me hooked. Do you think I would be smoking cannabis if I was able to eat a healthy breakfast and lunch without it? And get a decent, maybe 3 hour sleep? Fuck no. I smoke it due to physical withdrawal symptoms, same as anything else really. Just "safer" and extremely irritating. I deal better with getting off opiates, because I can take the pain. This anxiety panic freakout without weed that happens every time as I can't handle my shit is a blatant suicide risk.

I need to hustle more benzo money tomorrow so that doesn't happen again. It's like every fucking day drugs get in the fucking way and I"M DONE. I need to quit smoking weed so I can afford to not have a fucking seizure. I swear on my life I am on the verge of slashing my wrists tonight and it's going to be one long hell of a night. I wish I was fucking dead and I will be soon. Would have been nice to meet a cute chick before this happened, I saw it coming since last year but whatever, I had a shit life but I won't remember when my brain shuts down.
 
Buprenorphine vs Morphine

After decades of being stuck on subutex (buprenorphine) - i have done something out of desperation. I missed picking up my weekly perscription after viditing my mother who is very sick from alcohol. I have just completed 4 months of alcohol detox, feeling good about that. I AM SO SICK of the subutex and find its halflife deminishing and it affecting my moods quite dramatically. I feel really hooked. The authoroties seem always reluctant to allow me to reduce my dose. So this is what i have done - get ready to troll me. I let myself get good and sick for 48 hours then started my own self perscribed regime of 4 x 30mg capsules of Zomorph (its just slow release morphine). I have used it before and found life easy and painless. So the question i have is am i foolish tp make this swap. So starting with 120mg zomorph reducing to 90mg perday next week. I can get heroin easier than the zomorph and dont wish to go there. I feel that morphine is a more honest opiate than buprenorphine and doesent get its claws into my brain so tightly. So anyone have an opinion on what i have done? Has anyone else tried the same? Should i just concider myself a 'lifer' and be done with it - i dont mix in opiate circles and dont feel in danger of street drugs. Am i a fool?
 
Desmond
As long as you taper that morphine with intent to get off it NO I don't think you're a fool at all.

The "authorities " as you call them NEVER seem to want anyone to reduce their dosage of maintenance meds even after YEARS of use and raising raising raising doses.


I think you took the bull by the horns and made a decision that's best for YOU. Take care and TAPER that morphine; don't let it keep you.
Good luck !
 
I have no experience with maintenance meds, but I do have quite a bit of experience with morphine, and will say it's the closest to heroin in terms of addiction and the such as you can get without using heroin.
 
Shroomy, hold on.
The one good thing about weed is it is an actual weed / plant that grows out of the ground.
You have chronic pain my friend, same as me and it is a shit hand to be dealt in life.
If you can call it a life anymore. It is so extremely hard to manage. I don't know if the problem is so much with withdrawal from weed as it is the chronic pain symptoms coming through more severely without the weed. It has been keeping you numb, distracted from the pain, controls certain symptoms. Allows you to eat and sleep. It is something that you turn to that gives you some comfort in a very hard situation.

I really think you should level with that Doctor you have. Doctors are usually pretty compassionate and they understand the facts.
You needing 20/30/40 mg of Xanax a day is really not a habit you can sustain. You need professional help to get you stable and help you to get to a more manageable dose. One you are comfortable on and insurance/ whatever medical programs are available where you are can pay for. You need some help with this.

My heart goes out to you. It is 3:00 a.m here and I have been awake for hours also. Nothing new. Seems like I go until I just drop from exhaustion. Getting only a few hours sleep here and there throughout the day. Now that my stomach lining has actually blown out (giving me a huge hernia they cannot fix) due to all the pressure/pain inside my lower back injury; I am so fucked. I can't even lay on my side anymore for relief.

You are not alone. Sending you love and comfort.
 
You speak wise words Runningfox. I'm hoping my housemate will help me out to start with. Hes always been there for me and has no interest in opiates and unusually has no prejudice, he is not a drug snob. I hope he will take charge of the caps for me and administer my daily dose untill I've found my steady footing at least and do not 'accidentally onpurpous' forget how many I've taken. This can happen when the black dog visits usually acompanied by the pain monkey. Thanks again for your input. I will report back how it goes.
Respectfully
Des.
 
Thanks painful one you really care, I am sorry to be in this unfortunate situation in which I am gonna die soon. I'm okay with it though, personally. Will it ever be an event in my community - I am well known as one of the most intelligent people that ever came out of high school and had the highest marks out of any grade 12 course like all-time. Anyways, I used to be smart like that. I still am, but it doesn't matter because I can't communicate enough to get a kiss let alone a job. My brain doesn't work in sync with my body anymore. I am the dumbest piece of shit that ever lived I truly believe that. I see myself as the lowest of the low, the most disgusting, pathetic, repulsive, UGLY man on the planet. You know I'm gonna die soon. It's cool.

I am not sure when it will be. Nobody in my personal life will know, I'll leave my bro my music equipment and a love letter. My sister as well. My parents can burn on the stake. It's just you can talk about it for years but when you become unstable enough you just know what's going to happen. I'll save myself the seizures, and I don't even see this as a bad thing. I'm a miserable person full of creative, romantic, compassionate potential but it is being thrown away. I can't even get a kiss I'm so socially fuckin stupid, in interviews too I'm such a dumb fuck I may as well not even go. I'm done and I am very, very serious. I have xanax and weed today so it doesn't need to be now. I'd like to get some heroin and shoot myself up with a gram if I can afford it.

I thought I'd be working in tech for the past 10 years and be looking at starting up businesses now. There is no romance in my life with the extremely rare exception. Anyways, none of this is happening and I'm sitting around waiting for my death while I fucking count to 10. I am seriously just waiting until I snap and hang myself. I'll be in a better place no worries I honestly just can't handle 15 years of sexual frustration. That is the reason I turned to drugs, and why I will no longer be posting for much longer. I'm also abusing the fuck outta my xanax and I probably won't remember this, I don't care. I'll wake up with an empty bottle on the weekend and drive over to the cliffs while I can.

I have 7 nice bloody slashes across my left arm now. Couldn't stop myself. It's the lack of weed. I need a fucking bong rip but I can't afford it. Without the weed I'm suicidal and cut myself and am just a total wreck, without the benzos I start to panic and then drop dead.

Anyways, goodbye in case I don't get the chance to. If I had any money at all other than for benzos and weed it'd be going straight to heroin.
 
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Shroomy, I notice you rapidly cycle between feeling good and feeling suicidally anxious/depressed. That's gotta be hard. Have you ever tried getting some psychological help for that? There may be medication that could help you get more balanced, in seeing your patterns on here I think that the drugs are certainly making things a lot worse, but I'm fairly certain there is something underlying it that is the reason you have gotten so into drugs, trying to mask the natural rollercoaster that it is to be you day in and day out. I think therapy could also really be a help for you. If you haven't tried these things, I implore you to try them before you give up. I also care and I'd hate to see you end things without trying something that could really improve your life. <3
 
Yeah I have borderline disorder man which is like a rapid cycling bipolar kinda. It is often misdiagnosed as bipolar and that happened to my friend recently. One of the criteria is literally drug abuse. It's not hard because I know I am going to die and that makes me content. And I think it's going to be in a way that is a huge wakeup call to people in my community because nobody would ever, ever suspect that I would take a handful of xanax and hang myself. It's the most powerful thing to affect others in a positive way that I can do with my life. Otherwise I'm going to slowly burn out and live the life of a wasted druggie. I'd rather end it before it gets any worse because people are already seeing me as a druggie burnout / wasted potential. I'm talking almost all of my family and friends apart from my younger brother. He is literally the only one who still knows how smart I am in certain ways. He already knows this is going to happen though he's smart and knows about all this fucking garbage of a life I have.

It's a great suggestion but I would never do it. BPD people are notorious for fighting with therapists / psychs / doctors and that is all I have ever done and will continue to do. I have experienced this before, and it was hell for me and I nearly knocked the fucker out.

I feel better now. I have double the amount of xanax so I can actually have a week to not worry about that at all. I paid a bill I really needed to as well. I am also getting some money tonight, around the same time my pot dude wants to meet up, and for the precise amount of money I need for the chron.

Man it's a fuckin tragedy. I gave up years ago. Dude, being mentally ill makes me feel like a piece of shit and inferior to others. I'm really bothered that I can't get any as well and that is fine for a while but not a lifetime. Something is wrong there and it fucked my head up and made me feel even more inferior.

It's over man. I'll keep posting here until I can't take it anymore and I definitely appreciate your care and concern. There is sometimes nothing that can be done. I just recently cut my arm deeper on the other side and got more blood on my shirt. That is what I do when I have one bong rip left and have to wait 4 to 6 hours. I am stoned 24.7, I wake up at night to smoke so I don't get insomnia which is absolutely heavy pot use related. Anyways, being done feels good. I don't have to be so worried about finding a job or experiencing a hot romance. I won't even remember anything went wrong and probably end up reincarnating as some snail a few billions light years away from this piece of shit rock.
 
Shroomy; you have done such a great job quitting the opiates and have fought so hard to get clean ! Please don?t give up now. You relied on the benzos to get you thru withdrawal so now you just have to slowly taper off them , dont waste all the struggle and hard work you have done . You can do this and come out even stronger . Confide in your brother about the benzos and get his advice. You are too hard on yourself; you are smart, have an education , you quit herion/oxy , you eat well , do your yoga ! Dont worry about your weed usage . Suicide is not the answer . Please pm me if you need to talk , im always on my phone and here . Please check in with us, all of us care about you .
 
ShroomySatori said:
Yeah I have borderline disorder man which is like a rapid cycling bipolar kinda. It is often misdiagnosed as bipolar and that happened to my friend recently. One of the criteria is literally drug abuse. It's not hard because I know I am going to die and that makes me content. And I think it's going to be in a way that is a huge wakeup call to people in my community because nobody would ever, ever suspect that I would take a handful of xanax and hang myself. It's the most powerful thing to affect others in a positive way that I can do with my life. Otherwise I'm going to slowly burn out and live the life of a wasted druggie. I'd rather end it before it gets any worse.
Click to expand...

How is it that you can tell yourself that taking a handful of xanax and hanging yourself would affect anyone in your community positively? That doesn't make sense to me.

But yeah borderline personality disorder makes sense. One of my best friends was borderline. She slowly spiralled out of control and deeper and deeper into addiction, and became almost unbearable to be around. A handful of months ago she ODd on fentanyl-laced heroin and died, we have no idea if she did it on purpose or not since she would regularly make suicide threats towards the end. She left a tremendous amount of pain, anger and frustration in her wake that her friends and family are still dealing with... and will never really fully recover from.
 
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Hey dude sorry about your friend. It is such an impulsive thing you could be doing great for a couple days and then snap. 3 times as many girls have it as guys. Once I found out I had it, then it started going away from recognizing when they were happening. I still freak out at times typically it's when I'm low on weed or zans. I have the bad symptoms a few times a week. I don't deal well with the medical system. I end up in fights with them and leaving angry. Health care here (pretty sure it's another country) is just stupid.

Man it's pretty straightforward what I gotta do. Apply of jobs. Then careers. Get my life together in the meantime no relationship they have been too much stress in the past. I want to get with a few female friends that will make me feel great since I am so horny coming off these opiates. And will just take time to find girls I like. I don't care. Smokin my weed popping my xanax. lol it's almost 3am I passed out earlier after I scored weed.

My day was hilarious actually. I did a hot yoga core class which I'd say is the most hardcore one they have. It's my favourite one and I didn't want to go until an hour before. This has to do with recovery you will feel so slow at first. It takes like 6 hours to get ready. But I got my shit together and multitasked for an hour and was out the door at the usual time. That is a sign of recovery for me.

Then I burnt out for a while, my friend wanted to trip out, I wanted to get stoned. Got some buds to hold me over until I could score more weed. It was a sketchy part of town lol I felt like I was copping H serious but the chron i the usual good stuff I have been getting. 5 grams... I'd say 2 days. I'm going to fall back asleep and try and have a great day tomorrow and keep getting out... I've been getting out more.
 
I know something about borderline personality disorder as my fiancee has it but through therapy she has got it under control and has even been able to stop self medication with benzos and Lyrica this year after tapering/detox.

She still got some issues regarding mood control but that is just something you learn to deal with if you are going to live under the same roof.

Well when we first started dating we might have a good start at the day and then things went haywire and I had to go to my own apartment but in the evening (after first sending a lot of angry text messages) she was already begging me to come back.

After nearly a year of being together 24/7 except for rehab and some fights we have learned to cope with our issues while living together and we haven't had any major fights for a while as we now know how to communicate before things escalate and she doesn't even seem to have huge mood swings anymore except when she has her moonies going on.

Anyhow living with someone who has BPD takes iron nerves but as she is so lovely and sensitive most of the times so I will deal with it.

After she started DBT she haven't been talking about suicide even when she is at her worst (well hard to say at worst as it is part of her personality and I wouldn't change anything in her).
 
Hello..
I need help with tapering.. And information about the drug i have been on.
It was prescribed to me 25 years ago after a surgery that left me with some problems .
I first took 3.75 mg of generic tranxene , twice a day. Am And PM.
I have always been terrified of medications. So the doctor had to assure me this was mild.
I dropped it myself 20 years ago t o 3.75 mg once a day, split in half . A am and a pm dose. Total of 3.75 mg daily.
MY doctor retired. And my new doctor informed me Feb 8 as to what I have been taking. I was frightened out of my mind. I had no idea , the doctor assured me it was safe.
My new doc. Said to start taper.Get off this... Cut the half in the morning , then the half in the pm two weeks later. So did druggist etc.
I was worried about so much, so cut 1/4 from morning pill and two days later had diarhea, some tremor, and chest pounding and some of what felt like mid body blanching.I stuck with it.. Reading more and more about tapering etc.
I have some nights that I still experience the upper body blanching.. But milder and some nights are ok. I seem to sleep well.
I broke the pills into 1/4 sizes and started taking 1/4 at 12 noon, 8 pm and then again at 2 am. Thinking I would drop the middle 1/4 and then the consistency of the last half , in a am and pm dose.. would be easier to manage.
But ,, I am still worried that is too fast.
Could someone tell me if they have had, or know of anyone that has had exerience with tranxene withdrawl?
I heard it is not as strong as the others ..That it is weak and doesnt start out as a benzo.
If I had never researched I would have just dropped it , in 1/4 increments, every week or two weeks...
Now I can't find enough info on the drug to know exaclty what to do. I can't find if its like the other benzo's in strength , if withdrawls are the same etc.
Please , if anyone has any information.. I would so appreciate it..:?
 
Yes Shroomi take care of your benzo situation, and take it seriously. I had a small seizure after only about 12 hours of Lorazepam withdrawl, and I was onky taking 6 mg/day. Opiates will make you wish you were dead, but benzos can actually kill you.
Please take it very seriously. Let us know when you get them so we can all know you?re OK.
 
MrRoot said:
I know something about borderline personality disorder as my fiancee has it but through therapy she has got it under control and has even been able to stop self medication with benzos and Lyrica this year after tapering/detox.

She still got some issues regarding mood control but that is just something you learn to deal with if you are going to live under the same roof.

Well when we first started dating we might have a good start at the day and then things went haywire and I had to go to my own apartment but in the evening (after first sending a lot of angry text messages) she was already begging me to come back.

After nearly a year of being together 24/7 except for rehab and some fights we have learned to cope with our issues while living together and we haven't had any major fights for a while as we now know how to communicate before things escalate and she doesn't even seem to have huge mood swings anymore except when she has her moonies going on.

Anyhow living with someone who has BPD takes iron nerves but as she is so lovely and sensitive most of the times so I will deal with it.

After she started DBT she haven't been talking about suicide even when she is at her worst (well hard to say at worst as it is part of her personality and I wouldn't change anything in her).
Click to expand...

My ex had it... I was walking on eggshells always. She'd flip on me at the smallest things and go from sweet to a monster in the blink of an eye and call me the absolute worst things and try to undermine my sense of confidence in myself and not relent until I agreed with her that I was horrible (for example, telling me she hates me and I'm worthless and stupid because I stacked the mixing bowls wrong). Then she'd apologize and expect that I'd just forget about it, which I did for many years. It was like she was two separate people and I hated and feared one of them and loved the other one. Eventually I had enough, because she never once admitted she had a problem, she just rationalized it away as me being a bad partner, she thought therapy was for weak people.
 
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