Baclofen is good for acute withdrawals and as hell as they are, the tougher part is rebuilding a life for yourself that doesn't revolve around opiates (this came naturally to me, as I was so damn excited and enthusiastic to feel alive and like myself again). But for a lot of people they get overwhelmed at how far they have to go, how much work they have to do to make up for the error of their ways and I am like that, but I am more than happy to take up the challenge. It won't even be challenging I really just have to keep positive, and clean.
If you are trying to escape the suffering of the error of your ways, you will never truly quit if you want to. I used to be the most selfish, miserable, self-centred fucking manipulative asshole possible. I am happier than I have ever been in my life now. I just snapped one day and quit cold turkey and never looked back, and I never will because I refuse to hurt other people any more. Anyone addicted to this stuff and who isn't just dependent on it for pain relief is hurting others. I was both. The wasted money, risk of dropping dead etc is worth continuing to chase the drug and run away from inevitable withdrawal for certain types of addicts.
As a heroin addict I was making around 4k a month after taxes and I was always broke. I spent well over 100 grand in 5 years. Wouldn't even pay my bills, my credit is going to take years to recover from. I presently have money for a tattoo and piercing once a month, etizolam change, and money for my second date. I love the work that I do because I am truly helping people and it feels wonderful. I met through my work the most kind-hearted, sweet, cute, most beautiful woman I have ever met in my life. If I was still using so much as a couple of percocets a day, she would have nothing to do with me and I wouldn't even care as I would already be miserable.
I am happier than I have ever been in my life since quitting opiates, despite the chronic pain in my spine. I am happy and grateful to be alive. Suer this doesn't apply to everyone, but if I could drop that shit cold turkey anyone else sure as hell can too... if they want to, or feel a need to. Not everyone does I get that. I have fucking back pain but obviously many chronic pain patients are also drug addicts. They are even more susceptible to it as they generally have a constant supply, a reason to use, and are suffering. Of course not everyone is like that, just saying.
I am happier than I have ever been! This girl is honestly the most beautiful, most lovely girl in the world to me. She is on my mind ALL the time no matter what I'm doing for example, I took her shift last night because she was sick, and I learned a lot about her even through that. I learned really important things about her that made me like her even more and we wren't even hanging out in the material world. It's so nice to have so much love for someone or something that isn't a drug. I also love myself I am fucking awesome! Everyone tells me this... I got the silliest compliment from my other friends boyfriend the other day when I gave them a free ounce for the hell of it. He was like... dude is so chill, you don't feel like you JUST met the guy. She says it is rare for him to get along with people like that, and we are all going to smoke out sometime. Anyways, I was a miserable antisocial fuck as an opiate addict.
All I am doing is sharing my story and trying to help people realize that I used to be suicidal, hopeless, and slash my arm with razor blades and sharp scissors. By the end of it, I was attempting to overdose myself but I couldn't afford enough smack to do it and my tolerance was too high. All I am saying is if I can drop this shit like a hat and feel happier than I ever have and this happened in less than a month, I was honestly good after two weekends, anyone who wants to quit and see what happens easily can! You don't need shit but a bed to chain yourself to if that's what it takes. I didn't do therapy or rehab or suboxone or any of that. I just woke up and realized I was completely wasting and missing out on life.
Started with chronic pain, and some pills my ex-girlfriend gave me after I had already decided I didn't like opiates, but these were hydromorphone (dilaudid) from her dying gramma. I took a couple, and had the best day of my life as I was simply mellow and pain free. It can happen to anyone, and I am super happy that I am alive. My positivity is attracting so much goodness into my life that I did not even need to seek this girl out. We found each other, she initiated it and even asked me on our first date. We have a second one planned, but she is sick. I hope she gets well soon, I really care about her so much. We have been taking our sweet time as both of us our very thoughtful and cautious (see... I am actually a cautious person, literally anyone can get caught up in this shit). I started off taking 2.5mg of oxycodone and that was more than enough back then.
I do not even associate myself with opiates anymore. The friend I am falling in love with, well she is inviting her friend into her home who needs to get an abortion as she got that caught up in opiates. I was so lucky that nothing bad happened to me like that, I just internally suffered for a really long time. Never overdosed or anything like that or switched to the needle which is really a suicide risk. Really, this had a lot to do with what I learned from bluelight as I didn't associate with other addicts. That would have made me worse as misery loves company.
I believe that this website saved my life. I saved myself in the end, but without bluelight I don't think I would have been educated enough to make the right choices. This girl honest means the world to me, she is such a beautiful and lovely person. We can both sense that and have for a while, so a second date is actually a huge deal and took a hell of a lot for me to get as she wasn't going to ask me out and make the plans a second time. She is such a unique person, as crazy as me but in totally different ways and like we find balance. I can see this, and so can she although she is a shy cutie about it, despite being super energetic and outgoing and extroverted (like the opposite of me haha). Anyways, it is nice to have spare money for etizolam for my panic attacks, tattoos, I got a double conch piercing with her on our first date that she helped me decide on and I absolutely love. I never would have spent money on stuff like that as an opiate user, even from day one all I wanted was more and more. I wanted to try them all. Now, I want a triple conch piercing on my other ear, a tattoo of a thorny black rose stemming from my wrist all the way up to the veins on my elbow, on the palm underside part of my forearm. I have a lovely artistic friend who is so talented that she is working on this for me, just a great supportive friend I met after I got clean.
Anyways I have written so much hear I thought I would continue to finish my story off. Maybe, just maybe, I will write about how this lovely lady and I have fallen in love, as I sense that is already happening. She is the most amazing, most beautiful creature humanly possibly to me. Anyways, I will stop in because it isn't just about tapering your dose or quitting. It is about making changes in your mind that will alter your thinking to realize that opiates are not a necessity at all. The withdrawal cannot even kill you generally speaking. Just feels that way, and worse.
So this friend of mine, she got all sick on me after we made plans for today8(. For once, something I don't actually feel the need for is driving me fucking crazy! I don't feel the need for shit, I'm just happy to be me. There really is a path to salvation no matter how much you are suffering... it's just typically not through opiates. Rather, through acceptance especially if you are like me or Pokemama, the lady who started this thread. She was also a drug addict and had chronic pain, we were both in denial for a very long time - myself longer than her - and eventually got so fed up that we quit cold turkey and dealt with the pain. I am sure she is doing great right now, just like me.
I truly owe my life to this website, not just this thread but definitely this thread too. It is a beautiful thing because without access to harm reduction information and support from friends, I would surely be dead. I didn't know what i was doing, I was an addict in secret the whole time. Not even my family ever found out. I am so lucky that everything literally worked out in the best possible way for me - so many horrible things could have happened to me, and they just didn't. I owe it to myself and all those who have either died or lost their very souls before me, to do the most I can possibly do with my life to create the most amazing and positive reality that helps as many others as I possibly can. So yeah... this girl is on my mind constantly now. It's not an addiction or anything like that. I just really, really like her personality so much and it doesn't hurt that she is a total fox. Most beautiful girl I ever met and all she cares about is that I'm just real with her and myself, and really thoughtful all the time with her in silly cute ways! She is a little more shy, despite being so outgoing in social situations (like opposite of me), but we have so much in common, and she drops me little hints here and there that lets me know how she feels if I really think about why she would do that : ) sneaky little fox lol so tiny and short, blonde hair and vivid green eyes, beautiful body I am like WTF are you doing with this selfish junkie fuck who essentially ruined his life and is lucky to be alive but I really have changed so much, to the extent that I didn't even need to ask her out. I don't even know how it happened. I have no idea at all, but it makes me really happy even if I only 'make it' this far... I am not thinking about it like that. I am thinking about how damn cute she is and how much I like her, how we could help each other so much and create a beautiful life together. Not to get ahead of myself... but I think I finally found someone I really really like who for strange reason, actually thinks my atrocious emotional outbursts at everyone inclduing our boss are cute : ) it's cause she knows I'm just a harmless hippie with a bad temper. She has been abused by ex's and stuff and that is such shit to me to hear. How could you hurt such a kind person who is completely selfless. She is on the go so much that she needs someone to tone her down a bit, like a tripped out stoner aka me who is somehow more down to earth than her, but I'd be way too boring for her if I didn't have all these issues haha. It's so damn cute like our connection is intertwined in so many ways, twisted and turned and flipped around but somehow it all comes together and we just chill out and really enjoyed each other's company. I'm not expecting anything from her, but I feel like this is going really great and I have a sense for this kind of stuff. So does she... she just likes to be super shy and speak in tongues about it to me. Which is funny as hell because she asked me out on the first date... but then got all shy and cute. I think that means she likes me. haha. Took weeks and weeks to get that second date lol and then she got all sick on me and I had to take her night shift before my 4am one! LOL. I'm sure she is resting up today and we probs won't end up hanging out like we were planning to but I hope she gets well soon. I did what I needed to do... come up with a plan for a date and ask her and I asked her like 5 times lol before she even answered me in the span of a week because she is analytical like me, but not mathematical, she just thinks her decisions through more than like anyone I know haha. So I have to be super patient with her but there is nobody else I want in any way like this at all.
Look back a few pages at some of my posts. Pissing people off (sorry friends lol... seriously... I still am explosive a bit but she finds it cute for some reason so whatever! I'm not getting in fights or any some shit...). Talking about how I want to kill myself, how I slash my arms or used to, how much oxy or dope or dilaudid or whatever the fuck I had, what taper dose I was on, if I was trying cold turkey or just suicidal in withdrawal without the energy to get up and do it. I ended up going cold turkey and felt like I was burning alive on the stake for 10 days, then I woke up one morning like everything was normal. Things have been great ever since. I still have my youth, and a really healthy diet, and I took a lot of supplements and went for long walks and shredded a lot of guitar, got a new job too so I recovered fast because I had to. Can't just sit around waiting to feel better... not going to happen that way.
Like the entire time I have been writing this I just meant to write about how good I am doing how amazing it is to be alive and have a second chance... but like half or more of what I wrote is about this beautiful fox. She wouldn't have a damn thing to do with me if I was using so much as a couple percs a day because I can't handle that shit! Hope you guys and ladies are doing well.
All I did to quit is cold turkey despite everyone telling me I needed rehab or serious therapy or like a mental institute. I didn't need shit but balls to do it. I get my girl advice from listening constantly to Lil Peep (he overdosed at 21 a few weeks ago, clearly an opioid OD with xanax, and if you know him like I do, it was totally a suicide. He was miserable and didn't care about how he was going to be world famous). But yeah he knows them women lol, just couldn't ever find love so he killed himself. I am doing this, putting so much effort into her, for his spirit in a way because I love his music and it's exactly what he always wanted and needed. Was just that caught up in drugs I guess, and it's not possible if you are like that.
Also, I get tips from my decade younger brother who just says things like "yeah dude you should defs ask her on a second date she seems chill" after ranting at him with like essays of my feeling LOL. Then there is my farmer friend who is fucking hilarious, just lives out on a farm smokin pot his life away, still working through his feelings over his high school ex girlfriend at 30 and has been single ever since. Then there is my buddy from here who has had equally as bad drug problems, and really shitty relationships too (he dated a heroin addict so... all he cared about was she was alive and like, went with her to score and stuff just to look out for her, but shit fucked him up and he had people die on him too. So he was always looking out for me. I'm telling you I owe my life to this website even if it sounds like I never listen to anyone it's because I needed to hear it from myself! All I want to do is help people now and there isn't bad energy here. You are all lovely people trying your hardest to taper and it seems like we all have serious health problems. My spine is completely fucked I just don't depend on opiates for it anymore. I'm too caught up with this chick on my mind and all you see... omg haha like I seriously can't get her out of my mind this has never ever remotely happened to me before. Sorry about that lol! and yeah Squeaky dude I have what they would call "borderline personality disorder" so when I am stressed out I freak out at people and say hurtful things then immediately regret it. Luckily, my foxy new friend finds this silly and cute (she isn't from this planet... I think it was Neptune she said? But she is so 'real world' compared to me like I am so tripped out and far out from all these psychedelics I don't even know up from down anymore yet continue to appear sane to others, while I have a crush on a fucking entity I see on dmt (fuck... I lost the guardian angel I had on my arm in a hemp rope... I need to find her haha but maybe I don't anymore? I know she is ever present in my life anyway, she was talking to me through a painting the other day... well communicating non verbally, more with vibrations of cosmic energy catalyzed by 2c-c an 2c-d. I'm losing my shit and I don't even give a fuck that's another thing she crushes on me about I can tell, since I yell at our boss and end up getting my way and getting shifts to "calm down' talking to this hippie dude who is teaching my chinese symbols and how to speak them. And she is always so diplomatic about it, I end up benefitting and she ends up working the hardest of all lol like she overworked herself into being sick!
Hope you are all doing great and even still using just don't get caught up in the stuff there is so much more to life! I'm not calling you all junkies lol I know a junkie when I see one they stick out like sore thumbs and you guys are just not like that! We got caught up in this shit because pain fucked us up, whatever injury you have, and then we get scripted highly addicted drugs that feel exactly like heroin. Taking 60mg oxycodone IR with no tolerance the other week nearly killed me, and it would have been my regular dose. That "nod" that junkies speak of and revere over isn't anything special, but I know if I ever had opiates again that is exactly what I would want out of them. And that is a death wish. I never nodded at all, I was function and making 4k after taxes when I was a heroin addict. I railed low doses like any other pain med because I couldn't get more than 15mg oxy prescribed to me and obviously after a few years I needed much more. I'm not blaming anyone I was just being a selfish piece of shit and it's time to make up for that! So you have my blessings and apologies : )
Hopefully someone reads my story and benefits from it in some way as you can literally read through this and see me climb my way out of the depths of hell on earth and become a wonderful person and strong man who is so damn proud and happy with himself that really, I don't need anyone but myself and my creative outlets to be happy. Keep healthy and stuff, always productive. This girl would just be like winning the lottery to me lol.
