Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

[Painful One]

Sorry for the lame posts you guys. Geez! Sometimes I just need to get this stuff out!

I'm working on getting myself feeling better now. I ate something and am going to try and get a nap in.
I had a bad night. Some sleep would help me out.

At least I am not in withdrawal and have some relief.

I feel so bad that you are playing the waiting game dopiejay.
I hope you get some relief soon.

It sure helps to have you wonderful friends here who understand this chronic pain B.S!
Thanks so much for the support and encouragement guys!

Hope everyone's day is good or gets better soon! ; )

 

[ShroomySatori]

I have to catch up I've only just returned from hell. I hope you are well.

I have full faith in myself that I will be okay in the end. My only concern really is that they might want to take me off the valium and that is a big part of how I will manage my panic disorder once I stop it with the high etizolam doses. It is stopping, I've been in withdrawal for so damn long at this point on/off but still. I'm becoming more stable.

I also have a solid gram and a half of etiz right now which is a fair amount, makes me feel safe. Also, got 10 grams of a really nice cheese variation. Since I stopped smoking illicit weed and started only smoking weed through the government my health has drastically improved. I can taper a little slower now too but the thing is I'm not. But whenever I take it too fast and begin to feel possessed, I will raise my next dose higher. It's like some weird trial and error titration down to neutralize my fried brain and at least stop it from being fried any more than it has already been.

I have more confidence. My boss wasn't giving me hours for about a month and I realized it was because they just wanted me on contract so screwed them off and I am making more money privately and doing more advanced stuff than before it's just way better and it's because somebody needed to be told off. Also, my usual shift partner and I have conflicting personalities as she is very controlling and has been harassing me all damn year. My best friend there the girl with the sweetest heart she is such a sweetheart anyways aha yeah she's my girl crush there since day 1 but she manages the place pretty much so when this bullshit came up when the girl I don't get along with provoked me for too long and I had to tell someone else off lol, I just talked to my friend who controls all of that. Cause I totally sensed she was doing it to get me fired and the leader of the program was trying to call me and sounded angry. I circumvented that completely because this girl knows me. I think if anyone likes me there it is her.

That is motivation to get my career going. It's seriously time I mean, I could end up with a girl like her. She's been showing interest in me since the start and I've been withdrawing and in and out of this benzo fog so it has been frustrating. I can tell she's a very picky fox. I like her a lot. I think she overworks herself. She's too cute. Natural to talk to thing is we are both a little high strung. I am used to that though I don't mind it. Anyways yeah I guess I like someone and if I had a decent job would ask her out on a date for sure. It would be easy to if she was single, I can just tell she is the only one there who can see past my eccentricities to the good person that I was born and raised as and who I intend to once again be. I'm sort of through with the drugs just gotta taper off this one I'll be smokin my weed though and I found two hits of the strongest acid I've ever had (half of one was too much lol) while cleaning. Anyways, I am doing better than I sound I guess. Now that I have a reasonable supply I will keep on top of it while tapering and looking for work and keeping in shape, pretty much. I started reading more of that book, as well. My brotehr wasn't lying it is copmlicated literature.

 

[Squeaky]

I used to tell my Dr what I wanted, so they couldnt screw it up. I also always use a cane to walk, even if I go to the post office next to my pharmacy. Even though I can walk without it.
Now I tell them what doesnt work, in a way that they can naturally arrive at the script I already know I need.
There seems to be no middle ground anymore between being a junkie and a legitimate pain patient.

 

[dopiejay]

Hey dj,

Just wanted to say I totally relate, being in chronic pain sucks and with the current climate, there is also a war on us pain patients. To say we are not treated well is a gross understatement.

Anyway I just wanted to say you're not alone in this chronic pain hell, I'm right here with you. I am sending you nothing but love and support.

Feel free to pm me anytime,
your friend,
Ash.

P.S I hope your day improves.

Sorry for the lame posts you guys. Geez! Sometimes I just need to get this stuff out!

I'm working on getting myself feeling better now. I ate something and am going to try and get a nap in.
I had a bad night. Some sleep would help me out.

At least I am not in withdrawal and have some relief.

I feel so bad that you are playing the waiting game dopiejay.
I hope you get some relief soon.

It sure helps to have you wonderful friends here who understand this chronic pain B.S!
Thanks so much for the support and encouragement guys!

Hope everyone's day is good or gets better soon! ; )

You know what? Bare with me here. I want to say that it's great to not be alone in this struggle of chronic pain and maintaining tapers and all that shit. I really do.

But it's not great. In fact it's fucking horrible. It's horrible that all of us have to go through this. It's horrible that things like chronic pain, addiction, and the balancing act between the two exist. It's horrible that the doctors don't care or listen anymore.

ITS FUCKING HORRIBLE!

If there were some way I knew that by me suffering from chronic pain every day, nobody else would ever have to again I would. Like some kind of painful Jesus Christ. I would love to see a world where there is no pain and suffering and I would suffer for that with a smile on my face, just so nobody else would have to.

But unfortunately that isn't the world we live in, so I just gotta say, sincerely from my heart, thank you to each and every one of you. I love you all.

We truly have the best online support network in the world for people suffering from the shit we suffer from and I just thought it should be said that i FUCKING love you all!

PS. To the one they call the painful one. When u told me not to drink I listened, and I didn't buy that bottle of whiskey. In over 10 years that's the first time that has happened. The first time I was convinced not to drink myself into oblivion. A special thanks to you because now I don't feel like absolute shit this morning!

 

[dopiejay]

Dopiejay seems like i could have written that. A part of me will always feel let down by the tainted H supply, when I was using it was the only time I could function in my adult life and raw wasn?t that hard to get back then. Since it wouldnt be worth it to go back I?d have trust issues with what I was taking.

ironically when I have more benzos and a good herb supply I use less of both. Always have a good supply when tapering. Supply issues have fucked up my tapers so many times. I don?t really differentiate between illicit and health care supplies. I?ve been screwed over way more by the medical system in that regard, they have been useless for so many years it is hard to believe.

things are picking up in my life i have this etizolam monster better figured out, not doing the escapist stuff so much, i did start my book today was my goal to force myself to read. Went for a walk. Just little things but I get up at 5am every day now and start getting ready as if I had a full time job, I think that is importamt for me and to sleep and force myself to cook up yummy healthy food. Before was eating one meal a day now three.

It's good to hear you're doing better shroomi. Don't forget the good days during the bad days. Force yourself to do these things if you have to, because no one else will and you'll thank yourself in the long run.

I'm very weary on the benzo RC's because, as the name implies, they're research chemicals. Meaning no one knows what the long term effects are. I mean we get a good idea from other Drugs like Valium and clonazepam, but no one truly knows.

Your story of etizolam hell is not the first I've heard by a long shot. That's why I stay away from it. Keep pushing man you're doing well.

 

[Painful One]

You know what? Bare with me here. I want to say that it's great to not be alone in this struggle of chronic pain and maintaining tapers and all that shit. I really do.

But it's not great. In fact it's fucking horrible. It's horrible that all of us have to go through this. It's horrible that things like chronic pain, addiction, and the balancing act between the two exist. It's horrible that the doctors don't care or listen anymore.

ITS FUCKING HORRIBLE!

If there were some way I knew that by me suffering from chronic pain every day, nobody else would ever have to again I would. Like some kind of painful Jesus Christ. I would love to see a world where there is no pain and suffering and I would suffer for that with a smile on my face, just so nobody else would have to.

But unfortunately that isn't the world we live in, so I just gotta say, sincerely from my heart, thank you to each and every one of you. I love you all.

We truly have the best online support network in the world for people suffering from the shit we suffer from and I just thought it should be said that i FUCKING love you all!

PS. To the one they call the painful one. When u told me not to drink I listened, and I didn't buy that bottle of whiskey. In over 10 years that's the first time that has happened. The first time I was convinced not to drink myself into oblivion. A special thanks to you because now I don't feel like absolute shit this morning!

Oh, this made me cry. I love you too my brother!

I have often had this very same thought.

This chronic pain and resulting wreckage to a life is so fucking horrible and as glad and thankful as I am to have you wonderful, strong, awesome friends here, I would rather that you were all off having a good life and not suffering through this absolute crap!

I am so proud of all of you. Each one of you has shown amazing ability in what seems to be a hopeless situation.
I don't think it is hopeless. When I see one of us pull each other up when we are sinking with such love, patience, and style, it makes my heart feel so good. We will fight this together!

I truly love each one of you. I'm sorry we are going through this and I know it is absolute hell but we are going to overcome this!
We will take it one day, one moment at a time.

Ps: That made my day to have you say all of this d.j. Especially happy that something I said kept you from returning to the alcohol.
Well done! That was a good choice YOU made!

 

[Painful One]

I used to tell my Dr what I wanted, so they couldnt screw it up. I also always use a cane to walk, even if I go to the post office next to my pharmacy. Even though I can walk without it.
Now I tell them what doesnt work, in a way that they can naturally arrive at the script I already know I need.
There seems to be no middle ground anymore between being a junkie and a legitimate pain patient.

Really happy to hear from you!

Good thinking Squeaky! Looks like we all need to "cane up" !!

Dr. House style!

 

[dopiejay]

Really happy to hear from you!

Good thinking Squeaky! Looks like we all need to "cane up" !!

Dr. House style!

Was reading something about Hugh Laurie yesterday. Apparently he actually ended up developing a bad leg and limp and had to switch sides frequently but no one ever noticed. Look out for that if you ever watch the show again lmao.

And I'm glad I could make ur day a little brighter. That's why we're all here. I'm surprised I'm so cheerful this morning though. Picked up my guitar for the first time in weeks.

The bipolar must be swinging back the happy way again.

 

[dopiejay]

Yeah thanks dude I am over the drug phase and experimentation. I'd like to work in the cannabis industry and experiment with medical marijuana for the remainder of my days and live happily ever after. I'm not interested in anything that could mess up my life anymore than I already have. I am no longer interested in self harm. That will change but I will have to keep it together. Those low supplies really stress me out I notice. It's pretty easily avoidable. I have the big picture in mind. Benzos are tough to quit with a pre-existing really serious panic disorder but not impossible.

I am very stoned this morning. It is still so early wow I guess I'm not used to getting up at 5am every day. I really like it since I get to light my tapered ornamental candles until the sun rises.

You do seem a lot more grounded now. I'm up at 7am sharp every morning and don't get sleep until prob 3 but u know what they say ain't no rest for the wicked.

You get a lot more of ur day like this hey? It's actually a lot better than sleeping til 2 or 3 with a hangover. Don't know how I ever functioned or worked with while drinking all the time. Half-drunk driving a service truck around til the booze wore off around 12 or 1.

When I was drinking heavily i was just like you with the benzos. It was absolutely brutal. Now that I'm leaving the alcohol and benzos behind it's like a window into my head was opened and all the stale air, stagnant shit and stink of rotting brain parts was replaced by fresh air.

You'll feel it too.

Now it's just to get this damn aching back and hip under control.

 

[Painful One]

Yeah thanks dude I am over the drug phase and experimentation. I'd like to work in the cannabis industry and experiment with medical marijuana for the remainder of my days and live happily ever after. I'm not interested in anything that could mess up my life anymore than I already have. I am no longer interested in self harm. That will change but I will have to keep it together. Those low supplies really stress me out I notice. It's pretty easily avoidable. I have the big picture in mind. Benzos are tough to quit with a pre-existing really serious panic disorder but not impossible.

I am very stoned this morning. It is still so early wow I guess I'm not used to getting up at 5am every day. I really like it since I get to light my tapered ornamental candles until the sun rises.

You are doing very good Shroomy.

I am so happy and relieved to hear you say that you are not interested in "self harm" anymore.
When you talked about the "cutting" and stuff I would just cry. It broke my heart!
I have been reading a thread over in the Sober Living forum from Trip Mcnealy- awesome guy- and he talks about the self harm and says there is something called a Quell unit that helps him and some people with this problem.
I wanted to mention that to you. Just in case.

Hoping that urge will resolve itself and you will be free of that!

I agree that a low supply makes the tapering/ keeping stable much harder. You would think that with a low supply we would be conservative but no, I take a lot more and start to freak when I know I have a low supply. I do the same thing!

Something that has helped me, that I just discovered this last time is to make a watered down solution of your medication and just use a small bit when you feel like you can't stand it anymore. It helps me to know that I have some relief if things get too bad.
It kept the panic away and the withdrawal symptoms were not as bad knowing that I had some relief right there.
Of course, as soon as I was completely out I freaked totally but I made it until just a few hours before I could get my medication on a very short supply that way.

 

[Painful One]

Was reading something about Hugh Laurie yesterday. Apparently he actually ended up developing a bad leg and limp and had to switch sides frequently but no one ever noticed. Look out for that if you ever watch the show again lmao.

And I'm glad I could make ur day a little brighter. That's why we're all here. I'm surprised I'm so cheerful this morning though. Picked up my guitar for the first time in weeks.

The bipolar must be swinging back the happy way again.

Haha! I watched a lot of House yesterday! And Star Trek! Lol!
That is funny you mention that, I am going to watch some more today and I was thinking this morning that "I wonder which leg they show Dr. House favoring."

Good to hear you are feeling such a breath of fresh air come in after quitting the alcohol and great job for doing that and resisting the urge yesterday! That is awesome!

Keep on playing your guitar! That is so sexy!

Music helps so much for me! Can't live without it!

 

[dopiejay]

Haha! I watched a lot of House yesterday! And Star Trek! Lol!
That is funny you mention that, I am going to watch some more today and I was thinking this morning that "I wonder which leg they show Dr. House favoring."

Good to hear you are feeling such a breath of fresh air come in after quitting the alcohol and great job for doing that and resisting the urge yesterday! That is awesome!

Keep on playing your guitar! That is so sexy!

Music helps so much for me! Can't live without it!

Oh yes music is the ultimate medicine. No better feeling than wailing out a song. Worst problem for me is I got no confidence when I'm sober to sing in front of people lmao.

And yeah, I've heard the ladies say that before

All things considered though, I can't wait to get to a party where I can pick up a guitar and have everyone listen to me and just be drunk and noisey as fuck. Hasn't happened in years, my cocaine habit derailed most aspects of my Life and now I can't go out with friends anymore because I can't behave lmfao.

People used to say I was really good once upon a time even though I'd never claim it myself. Sadly the people who like to sing along and actually KNOW the fuckin songs are all gone. Nothing worse than a roomful of coke heads blasting poppy shit. Or going to a bar full of coke heads to listen to the same guy play the same ten pop songs from the 80s and everyone loses their shit over it.

Anyways lol music is a touchy subject for me and I had to rant. How are things in the life of the painful one today? All is grand hopefully

 

[dopiejay]

Haha! I watched a lot of House yesterday! And Star Trek! Lol!
That is funny you mention that, I am going to watch some more today and I was thinking this morning that "I wonder which leg they show Dr. House favoring."

Good to hear you are feeling such a breath of fresh air come in after quitting the alcohol and great job for doing that and resisting the urge yesterday! That is awesome!

Keep on playing your guitar! That is so sexy!

Music helps so much for me! Can't live without it!

Also, I was blown away by that revelation. Hugh Laurie is such a great actor that nobody ever noticed his limp changing sides. They didn't even notice he was English and not American during his audition.

 

[Painful One]

Oh yes music is the ultimate medicine. No better feeling than wailing out a song. Worst problem for me is I got no confidence when I'm sober to sing in front of people lmao.

And yeah, I've heard the ladies say that before

All things considered though, I can't wait to get to a party where I can pick up a guitar and have everyone listen to me and just be drunk and noisey as fuck. Hasn't happened in years, my cocaine habit derailed most aspects of my Life and now I can't go out with friends anymore because I can't behave lmfao.

People used to say I was really good once upon a time even though I'd never claim it myself. Sadly the people who like to sing along and actually KNOW the fuckin songs are all gone. Nothing worse than a roomful of coke heads blasting poppy shit. Or going to a bar full of coke heads to listen to the same guy play the same ten pop songs from the 80s and everyone loses their shit over it.

Anyways lol music is a touchy subject for me and I had to rant. How are things in the life of the painful one today? All is grand hopefully

Yup, singing helps me a lot too but I am way too shy to do it with anyone listening. Even though I have a great voice, if I do say so myself! Using your voice helps so much to get pain out! I noticed that as I was whimpering through work outs that I could sing instead and it stopped the whimpering, moaning from pain. I randomly break out in song throughout the day.

Been so long since I have been to a party. That sounds like fun. Minus the coke and alcohol. I could go for a good jamming on musical instruments with friends party though! I miss that! I sure wouldn't mind a bit of weed! I'm in "trouble" with my family for growing my own pot plant, which the fuckers made me cut down and throw away! I needed that!!! I was planning on making a topical solution to apply to this leg pain!

Well, life being the painful one is hard. I have not been sleeping well due to increased pain from the change in weather.
Luckily, the good folks at Bluelight taught me how to "plug" morphine. LMAO!
So, life is less harsh at the moment. I just administered a dose of instant relief! Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Hugh Laurie is awesome! I could be a Doctor House. In fact, if it were not for this damn disability, I would go sign myself up for medical school so I could help us all out! I thought I had picked up on him changing legs. The doctors kept trying to catch me doing that but nope, it is my LEFT LEG!

 

[EPL1]

Good morning PO, squeaky, shroomy and DJ!!

DJ,

You're so right, chronic pain does suck, and then to not be treated properly when you have chronic pain is so much worse, I totally agree!!! There seems to be a war on chronic pain patients and it's just not right.

And squeaky, man is that ever the truth!!!
"There seems to be no middle ground anymore between being a junkie and a legitimate pain patient."

Much love to all of you, you're not alone.

Here for you all,
your friend,
Ash.

 

[dopiejay]

Yup, singing helps me a lot too but I am way too shy to do it with anyone listening. Even though I have a great voice, if I do say so myself! Using your voice helps so much to get pain out! I noticed that as I was whimpering through work outs that I could sing instead and it stopped the whimpering, moaning from pain. I randomly break out in song throughout the day.

Been so long since I have been to a party. That sounds like fun. Minus the coke and alcohol. I could go for a good jamming on musical instruments with friends party though! I miss that! I sure wouldn't mind a bit of weed! I'm in "trouble" with my family for growing my own pot plant, which the fuckers made me cut down and throw away! I needed that!!! I was planning on making a topical solution to apply to this leg pain!

Well, life being the painful one is hard. I have not been sleeping well due to increased pain from the change in weather.
Luckily, the good folks at Bluelight taught me how to "plug" morphine. LMAO!
So, life is less harsh at the moment. I just administered a dose of instant relief! Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Hugh Laurie is awesome! I could be a Doctor House. In fact, if it were not for this damn disability, I would go sign myself up for medical school so I could help us all out! I thought I had picked up on him changing legs. The doctors kept trying to catch me doing that but nope, it is my LEFT LEG!

Oh don't get me wrong about the coke thing. I wouldn't mind a drink but my town is filthy with coke. What I meant is you can't go out anymore because literally everyone is on it. I see high school kids parked in cars doing lines everywhere. I have two coke dealers living not 100 feet from my house it's disgusting. That's precisely why I don't go out anymore lol.

And the good ol bluelight lessons lmfao. Of all bluelight has taught me plugging is the only thing I haven't had the balls to try. my own ass terrifies me.

Getting out for a jam sesh would be cool but I don't associate with anyone in my town anymore. All my friends ether drifted away and are living separate lives or are still partying and I'm fine with that tbh. I'm living my own life as well. It just sickens me that I can't leave the house without being surrounded by obnoxious coke heads. Yes it's really that bad.

I had quite the massive coke habit myself (which I've totally kicked btw) so I just stay clear of any social gathering.

Glad to hear ur doing well too. Well, you always seem to be doing well to me. Sucks they made u cut down your weed. It's legal up here now

 

[dopiejay]

Good morning PO, squeaky, shroomy and DJ!!

DJ,

You're so right, chronic pain does suck, and then to not be treated properly when you have chronic pain is so much worse, I totally agree!!! There seems to be a war on chronic pain patients and it's just not right.

And squeaky, man is that ever the truth!!!
"There seems to be no middle ground anymore between being a junkie and a legitimate pain patient."

Much love to all of you, you're not alone.

Here for you all,
your friend,
Ash.

Yeah I've given up on our hospital. They are literally pushing dying patients out the door (my friends dad in critical condition) so that they don't have to pay to keep them there.

So how's a chronic pain patient like me look? As far as they're concerned, were the shit underneath their boots. They look down their noses at me, like they actually do. They shit talk and laugh in my face. Thankfully someone in the next town over managed to get some pain meds, and don't mind sharing for the right price. It's better than suffering I guess.

 

[Painful One]

Oh don't get me wrong about the coke thing. I wouldn't mind a drink but my town is filthy with coke. What I meant is you can't go out anymore because literally everyone is on it. I see high school kids parked in cars doing lines everywhere. I have two coke dealers living not 100 feet from my house it's disgusting. That's precisely why I don't go out anymore lol.

And the good ol bluelight lessons lmfao. Of all bluelight has taught me plugging is the only thing I haven't had the balls to try. my own ass terrifies me.

Getting out for a jam sesh would be cool but I don't associate with anyone in my town anymore. All my friends ether drifted away and are living separate lives or are still partying and I'm fine with that tbh. I'm living my own life as well. It just sickens me that I can't leave the house without being surrounded by obnoxious coke heads. Yes it's really that bad.

I had quite the massive coke habit myself (which I've totally kicked btw) so I just stay clear of any social gathering.

Glad to hear ur doing well too. Well, you always seem to be doing well to me. Sucks they made u cut down your weed. It's legal up here now

Man that sucks your city is so polluted with coke.
Yet, we don't hear about any kind of a "cocaine epidemic" ya know?
Because the governing drug dealers are making $$$ that is all that matters to them!

They need to take away our pharmaceutical access because that is cutting into their profits.
Seems like they must actually live by and from our direct suffering also.
Vampires that they are!

They probably prefer people to be on amphetamines as they make better slaves.
No need to sleep or eat. Just keep working for this machine!

Sorry...I'm going off on a little rant here.

I always seem like I am doing well to you? Really?
Wow, thanks for that. I feel like I am all over the place.
I have to keep a sense of humor through all this though.
Laughter is truly the best medicine!

Where I live, it is like "The stepford wives" , everyone seems perfectly perfect.
It is SO fake though I can't hang at all!
I'm so not perfect that I'm spilling out the sides. Lmfao!

I embarrass myself every time I venture into public.
I would probably do better with the coke heads. Lol!
This pain is so disabling that I can only keep an illusion of "normalcy" for a very short time and then..
Shit hits the fan!

I'm trying to force myself into the shower right now. I gotta do it!
I shall return. Clean and fresh!

 

[dopiejay]

Man that sucks your city is so polluted with coke.
Yet, we don't hear about any kind of a "cocaine epidemic" ya know?
Because the governing drug dealers are making $$$ that is all that matters to them!

They need to take away our pharmaceutical access because that is cutting into their profits.
Seems like they must actually live by and from our direct suffering also.
Vampires that they are!

They probably prefer people to be on amphetamines as they make better slaves.
No need to sleep or eat. Just keep working for this machine!

Sorry...I'm going off on a little rant here.

I always seem like I am doing well to you? Really?
Wow, thanks for that. I feel like I am all over the place.
I have to keep a sense of humor through all this though.
Laughter is truly the best medicine!

Where I live, it is like "The stepford wives" , everyone seems perfectly perfect.
It is SO fake though I can't hang at all!
I'm so not perfect that I'm spilling out the sides. Lmfao!

I embarrass myself every time I venture into public.
I would probably do better with the coke heads. Lol!
This pain is so disabling that I can only keep an illusion of "normalcy" for a very short time and then..
Shit hits the fan!

I'm trying to force myself into the shower right now. I gotta do it!
I shall return. Clean and fresh!

Oh yeah I absolutely hate it. Cocaine wholely and truly destroys lives. I've seen a lot of people die, lose their minds, etc etc, it's not the people that are bad, it's the poison the dealers are pumping into them.

It's not even really coke because it's laced with healthy doses of meth to keep people up for days and wanting more. Sad sad shit to watch.

And yes u do seem to have your shit together! Ur like the mother hen of the taper thread I love it lmao

 

[Painful One]

That is some sad stuff. It is disgusting that all the drugs are polluted with- who even knows??

It is poison and it is horrific!

This "War on Drugs" needs to end right NOW! People obviously need and /or want drugs so why not make it a legal, clean, business making, economy boosting, SAFE business! For many! Life saving medication for a lot of us!

Haha! I am like the mother hen of the tapering thread. Lol! I look at it as more (the supportive and social thread) but yeah, I can't help it. My sign of the zodiac is Cancer and I am like a Mother to the World. Nobody I don't mother. Lol!

Thanks for the compliment. I did have my shit together and I still do. It just feels like I don't to me because I am not able to work and I am out of money. I'm working on changing that though. I'm not used to being actually physically unable to work and not working and not having any money. I don't like those things!

There is much I stil want and need to do! I'm working hard on rehabilitation of my poor body but I just don't think I can do any better. I'm pretty much looking at my level of disability and it is unacceptable to me.