Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

[dopiejay]

Can you see The Northern Lights, the gorgeous Aroura Borealis where you are in Canada?

That is on top of my list to see!

And yes I can, see the northern lights on many nights in the winter. It's absolutely gorgeous nothing better than taking a break on a long late night sled ride in the country and looking up at them lights.

 

[EPL1]

Good luck painful one, I hope your appointment goes well, don't take no for an answer. Chronic pain patients are NOT drug addicts, make sure you stand up for yourself but try not to get the doctor defensive.

Hugs to you,
Ash.

Yes. That hurts my heart to hear!

I, myself have managed to find "treatment". I am anxiously awaiting my Doctor appointment. Soon.
Hold on Sherri. I need my fucking Morphine!! Ahhhhhh!

 

[Painful One]

https://youtu.be/ZB1cNkC71vE

"Comfortably Numb"
Pink Floyd

My friends, you will be happy to hear that I have become comfortably numb!
Thank the god's!

I have had some really horrific pain these last few weeks.

It feels so nice to be able to breathe again!

I'm just sitting here getting a meal in me. I have not been able to eat for days or sleep for weeks.
I just enjoyed a nice meal and am looking forward to a full nights sleep!

Awesome to hear you are doing so well Uncle_Jocko!
Makes us ALL happy to hear of your success!

We all need the connection of other's.
I love to share in all the victories, triumph 's, failures and even fuck- ups of all you friends here. Including myself!

I'm going to rest for awhile. I just wanted to let you know I am okay.

Love you friends!

 

[dopiejay]

https://youtu.be/ZB1cNkC71vE

"Comfortably Numb"
Pink Floyd

My friends, you will be happy to hear that I have become comfortably numb!
Thank the god's!

I have had some really horrific pain these last few weeks.

It feels so nice to be able to breathe again!

I'm just sitting here getting a meal in me. I have not been able to eat for days or sleep for weeks.
I just enjoyed a nice meal and am looking forward to a full nights sleep!

Awesome to hear you are doing so well Uncle_Jocko!
Makes us ALL happy to hear of your success!

We all need the connection of other's.
I love to share in all the victories, triumph 's, failures and even fuck- ups of all you friends here. Including myself!

I'm going to rest for awhile. I just wanted to let you know I am okay.

Love you friends!

You're awesome painful one, we love you too

 

[uncle_jocko]

Dopiejay - thanks for the props, my friend. It is nice to make some progress ... there's also been a bit of tragedy regarding some personal friends of mine, etc. So, I think that helps keep things in perspective for me - I'm able to gather strength and be grateful for the wonderful things that are in my life. And even more, I realize how quickly it all can be taken away. I'm trying to live in the moment a bit more.

Painful One - thank you for having such a good attitude!

 

[dopiejay]

Dopiejay - thanks for the props, my friend. It is nice to make some progress ... there's also been a bit of tragedy regarding some personal friends of mine, etc. So, I think that helps keep things in perspective for me - I'm able to gather strength and be grateful for the wonderful things that are in my life. And even more, I realize how quickly it all can be taken away. I'm trying to live in the moment a bit more.

Painful One - thank you for having such a good attitude!

I know the feeling of personal loss all to well man. Lost a cousin at thirty years old 2 years ago from an accidental fentanyl overdose (tainted coke in fort Mcmurray, Alberta... beware) and not long before I lost one of my best friends to the needle (heroin).
Stopped talking to him actually because of it. Last time I seen him he was homeless crying on my shoulder. Then after about 2 years I heard from a mutual friend he'd died from a heart attack after getting sober and loving life.
I think that in these situations we need to learn from it and try to move forward with our own struggles.

I don't know about your losses, but the many I suffered turned me cold and analytical about it all. It's a sad life man. It makes this whole thing that much harder but at the same time can teach a valuable lesson. I myself have actually forgot about this, but I've quit doing cocaine altogether and quit drinking every day down to none at all. If you knew me personally you'd say that I was lying to you right now.

We all need to make strides to get ahead in life. I mean let's face it we're all gonna use something sometime. Just don't let it take control of you. I applaud you for doing so good with this too uncle, keep pushing that shit as far Out of your life as it needs to be. Congratulations again on winning another battle.

 

[NYCDOSE]

yeah like rn I'm getting into race motorcycles and track days cause it takes my mind off everything when I'm riding .. my family basically said they'd rather I die on a bike than from fent od.. and I have a fianc? that hasn't looked at me the same since a year ago when I came clean about my problem to her smh.. and I'm a licensed EMT rn but I'm not working since an arrest and just lack of ambition.. are chemical levels are all fucked up bro.. rn all I can think about is the 3 bags I have outside in a bush a half a block away with 7 empty residue bags that Ima rip open w those 3 smh...I live w parents...and I work dead end jobs cause of the needing to re dose situation w no capital to invest in a supply not even for a week so I can function..everyday I'm plotting for the next 20 for a half bun or whatever smh.. anyway also been waiting to hear back from the army if they take me I'm getting the fuck outta the city and that will be my fresh start...but like also if they don't ill try the Colombian military and over there xans and hydrocodone are over the counter meds and you can also basically cop a bottle of 30 blues from most pharmacies as long as you cop 3 or more bottles at once .. and its dirt cheap too so life gunna be hard knowing shits available like that but yeah man all I can say is ..first fuck the cops..unless I'm the cop in the future cause id be lit af...second is try to think of all the generations of people that have suffered and existed for your life to be possible like your parents and grand parents and greats and ancestors like you are the most recent one in your bloodline and its just mindblowing and life use to have an expectancy of 30 years and shit so were blessed af.. and if I got dropped off in Africa for 2 weeks id be super grateful to be on my laptop typing from my bed like I am now lol... but yeah its hard to be grateful when ur seriously bw a rock and a hard place ..like us..

 

[dopiejay]

yeah like rn I'm getting into race motorcycles and track days cause it takes my mind off everything when I'm riding .. my family basically said they'd rather I die on a bike than from fent od.. and I have a fianc? that hasn't looked at me the same since a year ago when I came clean about my problem to her smh.. and I'm a licensed EMT rn but I'm not working since an arrest and just lack of ambition.. are chemical levels are all fucked up bro.. rn all I can think about is the 3 bags I have outside in a bush a half a block away with 7 empty residue bags that Ima rip open w those 3 smh...I live w parents...and I work dead end jobs cause of the needing to re dose situation w no capital to invest in a supply not even for a week so I can function..everyday I'm plotting for the next 20 for a half bun or whatever smh.. anyway also been waiting to hear back from the army if they take me I'm getting the fuck outta the city and that will be my fresh start...but like also if they don't ill try the Colombian military and over there xans and hydrocodone are over the counter meds and you can also basically cop a bottle of 30 blues from most pharmacies as long as you cop 3 or more bottles at once .. and its dirt cheap too so life gunna be hard knowing shits available like that but yeah man all I can say is ..first fuck the cops..unless I'm the cop in the future cause id be lit af...second is try to think of all the generations of people that have suffered and existed for your life to be possible like your parents and grand parents and greats and ancestors like you are the most recent one in your bloodline and its just mindblowing and life use to have an expectancy of 30 years and shit so were blessed af.. and if I got dropped off in Africa for 2 weeks id be super grateful to be on my laptop typing from my bed like I am now lol... but yeah its hard to be grateful when ur seriously bw a rock and a hard place ..like us..

'Hard to be greatdul when ur stuck bw a rock and a hard place, like us'

Ain't that the truth. It's like someone's shit in ur hands and ur expected to grin and say 'thank you!'. I bet not many of us would have ever bought our first bag, gram, etc. Had we all known how much damage we would inevitably do to ourselves.

 

[dopiejay]

It is hard to be grateful for anything, or care about anyone else, when I continue to fail knowing my potential or what it used to be. I don't feel the need to be grateful for anything. Why would I be grateful to suffer and die at the normal life expectancy before humans started fucking too much with stuff which I disagree with. I think a life expectancy of 30 is perfectly fine and people should learn to accept death more because something like overpopulation is going to result in population loss and chaos anyway eventually. People are stupid and the people "running the world" are even more delusional. I don't want a higher life expectancy, the age I'm at is great. I've suffered nearly enough to move on.

Yeah the problem with big supplies is you blow through them. I know what you mean though having no income and a habit is a nightmare. It is not like a non-addict being broke. You always find a way to get the money, but it's so exhausting that by the time you get fixed and calm down and maybe have a healthy dinner or something, you are already starting to scheme about how much to leave for the morning, how to manipulate people for money so you don't feel like you're dying or whatever your hustle is. It's a cycle that doesn't have to exist. Legalize drugs and give people access to real treatments when and if they want them.

I have been considering the military as well, but with chronic pain it isn't really possible. Otherwise, I could start at officer rank and be working by the end of the year.

I would love the comradely and I'm assuming aggression too and getting trained with weapons and our country doesn't have fuck all of an army. At this point I'd be honoured to do that it is something I would enjoy but there are things preventing that from being a career option.

Over the counter benzos? That's where I need to be. I don't want to be switched from valium to klonopin after many years that's retarded and probably out of my control. Valium is the only benzo that actually treats my generalized anxiety. Why are they fucking with my mind like that I'm fucking with it myself enough.

Not gonna tell u what to do with your life or anything, but I would stay far from the military bro. I had a lot of close friends and a few relatives go away. When they come back, you don't even recognize them.

If you think your head is a hard spot to be in right now, imagine that compounded with things like ptsd, seeing the faces of the men you killed, or worse the women and Children. Coping with survivors guilt after losing friends.

The general consensus that I've received from veterans is 'i wouldn't change a thing, but don't join the military'.

In the words of my good friend joe, "you'll leave home a good man, you'll come back as nothing. Just broken."

It's very hard on your psychological state. Not so much if you're filling non combat roles, but if you're filling a combat role it will be very hard on your troubled mind.

Now don't let me tell you how to live your life either. If you feel the military is calling you, by all means answer. just be sure to do your research before hand.

 

[dopiejay]

I wouldn't be able to but I could work for the companies that design helicopters and missiles and stuff. Would be great. It's not like world peace is happening anytime soon. I generally want high tech work and I have a new strategy to get it. It is avoiding the corporations and introducing myself around town in smaller tech offices.

I need to actually start doing this though, like, as in, today. I can taper off the benzos problem being I'm in a really bad life situation after being in and out of withdrawal for the past 2 years. I'm worn out. I don't have it in me to get off them yet but I'm on too high of a dose to sustain so I am in for more torture. After a while you get used to it.

Having the desire to work on my resume today is a good sign though. I'm probably not going to and I already probably lost out on a job opportunity out of laziness. But I still got the opportunity. It's still progress. It means that I feel I am fit to work. There would be so many benefits to that, since I would be jumping into a high salary and having a place in society not living in solitude etc. the point is I really actually want to work now. I feel that I have more self confidence about that, especially from doing some side work with high level mathematics lately. It made me realize how good I am at that shit. I knew if I explained something the wrong way for that dude, to explain it in a different way. It reminded me that I am extremely intelligent in ways that are pretty useless overall except for high tech so it's like I don't realize my potential because I haven't been looking into that. It's obviously what I should do next I will make so much money and it's not even hard. You just walk around talking high tech shit to people or making phone calls and sending out resumes and then hustle and manipulate in interviews. I wouldn't even need to do the latter but I'm sure I'd put my hustling skills to work.

I have been so hard at work keeping drug supplies in stock I will be a workaholic asking for more hours!

Good to hear it man. I myself am currently out of work. Just left a job with a shit company installing satellite dishes.

But now I've been accepted for school to become a heavy equipment operator which would make me a dual certified tradesman (HEO & powerline technician).
The main thing is to keep moving forward. Doesn't matter if u gain an inch or a mile, ur still getting ahead.

Good to hear ur getting some shit figured out. In all honesty it's probably the benzos causing u to be lazy, because that's what they've done to me. I've found tapering down (not off) to make a world of difference.

When I was on high dose clonazepam all I did was sleep all day. Right now I'm still in bed at 2:18 pm due to another migraine (gotta love that bipolar type 2).

Keep on chugging shroomi, you'll get ahead my buddy. One day at a time eh

 

[dopiejay]

I've never been one to be lazy though that's what is weird.
In team sports I would be out for blood for fucks sake I was never a star but I would never give up.
I used to go on 1000km biking adventures and camp out and stuff.
Grades were between 96-99%
I hit the gym and did yoga and took my health so seriously from my teenaged years
I was binge drinking and smoking pot all day but hardly a lost cause back then.

I don't feel lazy I feel trapped. As soon as I have anything to do, I get it done. I got my bloodwork and health stuff done the day after I got the papers. If there is an appointment I won't miss it, or a yoga shift. It isn't laziness it is far more severe than that. I am missing the part of my brain that is supposed to spark initiative and I think a lot of this has to do with being socially isolated. As day after day, I never hang out with anyone, I don't have any friends around here, and I usually only leave if I have to. I think it makes me feel worthless to the human race, like I'm major general pothead and growing expert and medical pot expert and don't have a friend I can call up to hit a bong with. My family has rejected me, their choice it's cool. Just gotta create my own family that isn't fucked up and they won't be seeing me after all this. All my parents do is tell me to give up and get disability that is how they see it. Okay but I feel fit to work. They look at me like a glass of orange juice. They want to control me as an adult male down to my very thoughts on life. I feel suffocated around them, and since I had to get a drive to the doctors my dad was yelling at me the whole time and it gave me an anxiety attack about an appointment regarding extreme anxiety. It sort of ruined my appointment it was shit I just couldn't think straight I was so angry. I'd be homeless for sure if I didn't have chronic back pain (I'd prefer to be, but still moving forward in life and trying). And yeah I haven't been allowed to live in my room for the past decade like even for a stay and my brother is treated like a prince and tbh he is the naturally lazy as fuck person. He's so naturally lazy and useless haha and always has been but due to being around other human beings and having emotional support is doing just fine. The family accepts him as a person worth something.

One of the things that helps the most is being active, so I'd be doing that more if I could. How slow initiative and stability is returning is frustrating. I'm finally beginning to have a semi-normal sleep cycle but tapering benzos is going to fuck all of this for another few weeks. It is very hard to force myself to do anything, even cook a healthy meal if I'm hungry. I just don't care enough, but as soon as I get moving that energy tends to stick. Yoga really helps, I'm in a fucked up situation right now because I can't afford a comfortable taper dose. So I'm going to have to withdraw again, and then it will totally be worth it because I will be able to stay there a while. I'll be making discrete drops after a few weeks of stability over continuous ones. It totally sucks. It's also unrealistic for me to get away with it this time. I did with the opiates nobody noticed a damn thing in my life after I checked out saying I was sick for a while but I'm going to have to check myself in to a psych ward or some shit at some point or just end up dead. As someone mentioned seeing people lose their minds from that shit. I can validate that.

Also keep in mind that benzos at high doses for prolonged periods are known to cause brain damage. Like they literally shrink ur brain.

The withdrawals are way worse than opioids I can confirm this. Just got offered a power line job in the states making over 70 an hour down in Florida fixing storm damage but alas, no passport so I guess it's going on the back burner for now.

I can tell u got the benzo fog big time bro, tapering is the only way to go about it. Drop down 5mg (diazepam) a week or every 2 weeks if u have to but for fuck sakes don't try to quit cold turkey

 

[uncle_jocko]

Shroomy - I'll let the teacher/father in me talk just for a minute, and yes ... it's going to sound a bit preachy (so take it with a grain of salt): First off, you're a very smart person - you have a good brain, my friend. Secondly, you're rather young ... and yes, you have touched upon pain in a real way. That said, you have the resources to discipline yourself and dig out of this hole. You admit that you function quite well with a schedule (as do I). I'd imagine it's because it turns that "thinking mind" of yours off for a bit, and you are good at focusing on what's at hand. You gravitate towards habit. Therefore, make a schedule for yourself - every damn day! Be strict with it, and don't analyze it. With a smart, crafty mind like yours ... you can easily fall into that pit of despair if you begin thinking too much. Eventually, your mind will make an EXCELLENT servant; but alas, it makes a lousy master. I truly believe that. Surrender to the stuff that works. By the way, I'm also speaking to myself - somehow, I allowed myself to isolate ... which is, indeed, the kiss of death to those of us who are addicts (I don't like the word "addict", but I'll use it here).

I'll end with this: In the Vietnam war, as you may know, about 20% (if not more) of the troops became addicted to heroin. It was absolutely spooky. This was very well documented, and it was feared that the U.S. was going to have a massive epidemic on our hands when they returned home. Oddly enough, about 95% of those "jungle junkies" had no problem whatsoever when they arrived back. Why? Because they had a COMPLETE change of setting and habits. Everything around them was different than it was in 'Nam. Anyway, I'm sure you get the gist of this: We have to force ourselves to change our routine ... and I firmly believe it's possible.

Anyway, there's my rant. I have a son who's probably around your age, so I just wanted to pass this on. And again, I'm talking to myself as well!

 

[Painful One]

You need to go have a long, hard look in the mirror ShroomySatori!

You have literally attacked every friend you have on here!
Wished us to be attacked by devils and cursed and just hateful, hateful things!

Everyone has tried to help you and you turn around and spew hatred when you are shown love.

". Like wtf I'm not stupid and why are you giving random tapering advice when I have the resources to look up accurate information for the dose I am on if I were so inclined." Quote from you to d.j.

Did it ever occur to you that he is trying to help you? He is seeing something you refuse to see! He has experience with this! Did it ever cross your mind that you may not know it all?

Uncle_Jocko is completely correct too! The mind makes a great servant but a terrible master!

When are you going to break free of this hate you are filled with? Don't spew it out all over others here!
It is not welcome or appreciated!

 

[Painful One]

Good luck painful one, I hope your appointment goes well, don't take no for an answer. Chronic pain patients are NOT drug addicts, make sure you stand up for yourself but try not to get the doctor defensive.

Hugs to you,
Ash.

Thank you Ash! Your support and encouragement are priceless to me.
Hugs to you sister! And much love!

 

[EPL1]

Thank you so much PO!!

I hope you're having a great and hopefully pain free day my dear friend!!!

Love and support to you,
Ash.

Thank you Ash! Your support and encouragement are priceless to me.
Hugs to you sister! And much love!

 

[ShroomySatori]

I see women have rejected me again.

I no longer need to post in this thread, as I am well into my recovery and there is a lot of toxicity here. Painful One I'd get yourself checked out for BPD, having gotten to know you and then rejected as a friend for having an outburst. Black and white thinking about people is a red flag and I see it all the time with you. Remember who talked to you the entire time through that morphine withdrawal when nobody else would. I brought up in advance that things like this might happen and to see if I could actually remain friends with a female.

I have a super chill new buddy in real life though so it's like lose one friend make another and this is all about opiates which really would be triggering for me if I had any desire to use them again. I no longer use opiates, so why not move on to more positive parts of the forum.

 

[uncle_jocko]

Painful One - thanks for your positive energy on here. You do have BPD - (brave positivity - daily) ... and I salute you for it.

 

[NYCDOSE]

Not gonna tell u what to do with your life or anything, but I would stay far from the military bro. I had a lot of close friends and a few relatives go away. When they come back, you don't even recognize them.

If you think your head is a hard spot to be in right now, imagine that compounded with things like ptsd, seeing the faces of the men you killed, or worse the women and Children. Coping with survivors guilt after losing friends.

The general consensus that I've received from veterans is 'i wouldn't change a thing, but don't join the military'.

In the words of my good friend joe, "you'll leave home a good man, you'll come back as nothing. Just broken."

It's very hard on your psychological state. Not so much if you're filling non combat roles, but if you're filling a combat role it will be very hard on your troubled mind.

Now don't let me tell you how to live your life either. If you feel the military is calling you, by all means answer. just be sure to do your research before hand.

I already have ptsd and i embrace it and im already broken so im a perfect fit for infantry where im headed and whhere i belong tho.. not a broken in a sense of i cant get the job done but in a i wont sleep tonight and knowledge is pain sort of way.. im not bragging but lifes really fucked up here in nyc and in bogota where im from and also in anysmall town behind closed doors and being an Emt i also saw alot of sad shit but i was the best person for the job imo cause i wobt freeze up no matter what happens.. and the last arrest here was for loaded firearms smh pulled over in full uniform by the bumb ass 115th d boys anyway my carreer path is strange cause the only thing that keeps me going is trying to stop bad people like the ones who were bad in my life that made me so "if ima die so are all of you too" in a beef type situation.. i dont want mare people to be wronged like i was and be hypervigilant at all times and never get a good nights sleep like me so rn im just glad the military exists so it can clean my slate and wrap sheet so later i can try to be law enforcement in the states and if that doesnt work ill try Colombia fucck im sweating bullets and am staring at the clock till its 9am here and the dealers come out shiiitt =/

 

[Painful One]

Painful One - thanks for your positive energy on here. You do have BPD - (brave positivity - daily) ... and I salute you for it.

Heheh.
Thank you uncle_jocko.
I appreciated that. Lots of love to you!

If I did have bi-polar disorder I would claim it but I do not!
I speak very openly and honestly about my own problems here.
Severe chronic pain is no walk in the park and I do the very best I can.
You are not going to succeed in trying to reflect your problems onto me ShroomySatori.
I am much stronger than that!
I will not give your words any power.

Hope everyone is doing well today. Hope everyone was able to sleep. Hope everyone's pain is controlled today!
Have a good day!
Love you guys! All of you!

 

[Painful One]

I already have ptsd and i embrace it and im already broken so im a perfect fit for infantry where im headed and whhere i belong tho.. not a broken in a sense of i cant get the job done but in a i wont sleep tonight and knowledge is pain sort of way.. im not bragging but lifes really fucked up here in nyc and in bogota where im from and also in anysmall town behind closed doors and being an Emt i also saw alot of sad shit but i was the best person for the job imo cause i wobt freeze up no matter what happens.. and the last arrest here was for loaded firearms smh pulled over in full uniform by the bumb ass 115th d boys anyway my carreer path is strange cause the only thing that keeps me going is trying to stop bad people like the ones who were bad in my life that made me so "if ima die so are all of you too" in a beef type situation.. i dont want mare people to be wronged like i was and be hypervigilant at all times and never get a good nights sleep like me so rn im just glad the military exists so it can clean my slate and wrap sheet so later i can try to be law enforcement in the states and if that doesnt work ill try Colombia fucck im sweating bullets and am staring at the clock till its 9am here and the dealers come out shiiitt =/

Yeah, being an EMT and seeing the depths of sadness this society has to offer is very damaging. I was insurance broker to all the police officers in my city and they would often call me just to talk. What they have seen has effected them all just as you describe.

I commend you for being the kind of person who "won't freeze up, no matter what" a great person to have in emergency/ life threatening and scary situations. I am also this kind of person but it takes its toll on you. Later, in privacy, you feel it.

I hope you are feeling better. Don't give up. Don't give in to darkness, don't let it take you over. There is hope. There is recovery. There is good in this world. Focus on that and build a new life that is free of these kinds of traumatizing, stressful situations.
Simplistic and easy going. Life in the slow lane is a nice change.