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The Suicide Support Thread

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life is what you make it circumstances don't really matter they're just an hurdle to reaching peace within yourself
 
My mother just told me I should kill myself

So I think I'm going to do it this time... Laterz
 
Hey guys......so im down to drinking mouthwash. Is it time to ventilate my skull with a 30. cal.? No one has answered me so far so I assume you all just want me to go away. I understand. Fuck this dude right? I mean, who the fuck drinks mouthwash? Well i certantly prefer real booze, but that is about as avalaible as a trip to mars at the moment. Ill delete my profile soon enough so you won't have to deal with me any more.
 
Treetop Flyer said:
Hey guys......so im down to drinking mouthwash. Is it time to ventilate my skull with a 30. cal.? No one has answered me so far so I assume you all just want me to go away. I understand. Fuck this dude right? I mean, who the fuck drinks mouthwash? Well i certantly prefer real booze, but that is about as avalaible as a trip to mars at the moment. Ill delete my profile soon enough so you won't have to deal with me any more.
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What's wrong? I'm all ears.
 
Idk man im just at a bad place in life right now. Just went to rehab and have relapsed several times. I just drank about half a bottle of scope tonight and am kind of freaked out. I just wish I could feel normal. I have been taking ritalin for the last several months and the crashes are so bad they cause me to abuse my clonazapam which i have one pill left of. I have a doctors appointment tuesday so maybe I can get switched to some different meds. I have tried antidepressants and tehy dont work. Im worried about benzo withdrawal, especially after the hell I went through with alcohol withdrawal. I just don't know what to do.
 
constant thoughts about suicide.........

Not because I am extremely depressed at this moment but overall I am just tired of life. I have thought about this on and off for years. It wouldn't even be an emotional decision because I have thought about it for so many years. I have kinda just come to the conclusion that I would probably be O.K. with the idea of dying. The only thing that really holds me back is the thought of hurting other people. If suicide was socially acceptable I would most likely just do it. I really don't feel I have anything to live for. I don't find pleasure in things. I have no motivation. I have been addicted to heroin for 12yrs. When I am clean I just want to do heroin and when I do heroin I just want to be clean. I don't even have the passion or strength to be an addict anymore.

My habit is very small because I wake up and I just don't want to be bothered. I am used to being sick. I do the bare minimum and most of the time I don't even care to do that. It just takes to much effort. I just feel so emotionally flat and disconnected and I have felt this way for probably the last 6yrs. I actually have some superficial good things going for me at the moment. I have been clean from methadone and Xanax for 2 months. I have a great new union job and I should be happy but I only do these things for the approval of others. I guess I am lonely because internally I couldn't care less about these things. I need a true emotional connection or friendship.

I have used heroin maybe 15 times in 60 days and I know where I could get Fentanyl dope right now. It would be so easy. Just nothing............. I really don't want to hear any facts about PAWS or this will pass. I have been going back and forth with opiate addiction for 15yrs. I am just tired. I will probably just sleep on it because I once again am to lazy to even bother with suicide at the moment.
 
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Yeah...... I think I have decided tomorrow is the day. My parents didn't really seem to care when I overdosed. They probably have been expecting it to happen. It doesn't have to even look like a suicide. They will think I just succumbed to my addiction and say well he is at peace and in a better place. I hope it nothingness......... A sweet release.
 
I don't think your parents honestly didn't care. For a lot of parent of addicts they get disappointed and kinda apathetic having to deal with the defeatist attitude that shows through in your post.

I won't lie, opiate addiction can be a life-long battle. It's pretty clear from the way you describe how you feel from day-to-day that you're dealing with some depression, have you seen a doctor and tried to get that sorted? Quitting isn't just dealing with your addiction, it's having to deal with all the mental health issues that you've numbed for so long as well, and by not working on them you'll more likely to just fall back into full blown addiction.

bit_pattern said:
So I think I'm going to do it this time... Laterz
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What's going on bit? I'm around to talk if you need.
 
I have to get this off my chest.

Sometime during 2011, about three years ago, I was and still am deeply in love with my ex. They were suffering a fate worse than death. They asked me to end our suffering, and I couldn't say anything. Obviously, I didn't go through with it.

They are still alive, and still suffering.

It hurts so much to love someone to the point where you can't help them do what they want, because you love them. If I was indifferent, or a cold/sociopathic person, I would have done it.

I'm suicidal right now because I'm facing a lot of suffering myself, and I don't feel like I can live with myself.

I keep flashing back to the day that I was asked to end our suffering and I will never forget me freezing and being unable to do or say anything.
 
Hey Captain, I'm still here. Obviously didn't try to kill myself with Fent..... I have read a lot of your stories. As I was a long time lurker. I too had a lot of past issues with girlfriends. I got addicted to heroin due to post MDMA abuse and the heartbreak I endured after a breakup 14yrs ago. I then had a girlfriend overdose and die next to me in bed, which exacerbated my addiction greatly . I feel for ya. You seem to really be suffering. I may be new to the site but I am here if you need to talk.
 
CH, I am so sorry. That is a lot to live with. When she asked you to end both of your suffering was she asking you to end both your lives? You know that you did the right thing, yes? You have nothing to feel guilty about. Is her suffering mental anguish or physical? Either way, CH, you have to separate your big, kind, empathetic heart's feelings of genuine sadness for her and any sense of obligation or guilt. <3

and,@somnilicious, I'm glad your kind heart is still beating, too.<3
 
somnilicious said:
Hey Captain, I'm still here. Obviously didn't try to kill myself with Fent..... I have read a lot of your stories. As I was a long time lurker. I too had a lot of past issues with girlfriends. I got addicted to heroin due to post MDMA abuse and the heartbreak I endured after a breakup 14yrs ago. I then had a girlfriend overdose and die next to me in bed, which exacerbated my addiction greatly . I feel for ya. You seem to really be suffering. I may be new to the site but I am here if you need to talk.
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Wow man, that is so sad.

My ex's sister... she was normal, no mental diseases like schizophrenia. She was working so hard to get ahead in life... and her husband (they were between 21-22) he died in bed and wasn't a drug OD; just natural causes.

My heart goes out to you and thank you for reading my post and understanding how I feel <3

herbavore said:
CH, I am so sorry. That is a lot to live with. When she asked you to end both of your suffering was she asking you to end both your lives? You know that you did the right thing, yes? You have nothing to feel guilty about. Is her suffering mental anguish or physical? Either way, CH, you have to separate your big, kind, empathetic heart's feelings of genuine sadness for her and any sense of obligation or guilt. <3

and,@somnilicious, I'm glad your kind heart is still beating, too.<3
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Yes hun. She wanted to die. If I was her I would have wanted to die too in that moment. The last time I saw her she was self-injuring to try to stop dystonia. I went over and over about how that's not how that works, but her wound was already infected.

I hope she got medical treatment.

She's still alive as far as I can tell as of January this year. It still breaks my heart.

Her mother has multiple sclerosis and the onset of her schizophrenia is likely due to brain damage sustained in several incidents, as well as pre-disposition. So her suffering was both physical but primarily psychological.

Thank you Herbavore for posting what you did. I have to learn how to forgive myself for this.
 
The best thing to do when I am feeling down is to connect with another human being. I was feeling desperate the other night. I came on here to see who replied to my post and I saw yours captain. I immediately understood were you were coming from. So I got the chance to help somebody out and that made me feel infinitely better about myself. I am sorry I couldn't give you healing advice but I could offer you my ear and let you know that somebody else is here. Thank you for reciprocating. I just want to let you know that our small exchange helped me to see past the all consuming pain within and realize that I am not alone.
 
An OD would be too simple, I just want to get shot in the face by someone else. Maybe I'm a pussy.
 
Hello bluelighters, I came here today because I've read posts on here for awhile but until today, never made an account. I'm an ex heroin addict but I still feel like nothing has changed, today I'm just a subutex junkie instead and on top of that, I'm starting to notice a mental dependence on alcohol too and I use marijuana and benzos to enhance the opiate-like effects from buprenorphine. Last summer I was down to 1-2mgs of buprenorphine sublingually every day and the whole summer was awful, I spent 2+ months in and out of withdrawal because I needed enough to get by until I found someone with more sub to sell me. At the end of the summer, the depression was overwhelming and I truly considered just killing myself to end my addiction, my friends even took my gun and bullets away from me because they were so worried that I'd go through with ending my life. I finally caved and went and got another scrip for buprenorphine and klonopin, something that was easy with my past medical records of opiate dependence. Soon I was doing more and more subutex until I reached 24mg IV daily, it was like I went from seeing the other side out back to being stuck in this circle of use, abuse and addiction yet again. Nobody seems to really understand my problems, they just see another pill addict who cries about his addiction without stopping but I truly feel as if I can't, I just can't picture living life totally opiate/opioid free without putting a bullet in my brain because of the sadness. I just think ending my life is my best option, my teeth are falling out in my 20's, I probably have Hep. C, I haven't spend a day sober for 5 years now and I was only sober due to being forced into a rehab program for 90 days and my mom is my only support, without her I would have been dead at 16 when I tried hanging myself but she saved me just at the right moment before I was brain damaged or killed from lack of oxygen. Today just feels like a blur of the past 4 years, nothing ever got any different, only worse. I have moments of clear thinking and know I don't want to die but I just feel so empty and alone with drugs being my only escape when the drugs just add to my feelings of self-hate. Should I just do it and end my life? I know friends and my mother would be crushed but I feel like I am only bringing them more pain by not being the successful man that I know I'm capable of being without drugs but without drugs, all I feel seems to be pain and anger, pain over the lives I feel like I've ruined and anger at people like my dad and my ex girlfriends who just used me and threw me away like I was garbage. I just don't know what to do, people keep saying "It gets better" but when? for me, nothing ever seems to get better, maybe for a brief moment but then life just gets worse. I just feel like I'm stuck and even though I would like a full happy life, I'm scared because I just can't ever see that happening and I'm thinking "Might as well just kill myself now before things just get worse like they always do because I'm just getting by day by day, I feel if things got worse I wouldn't be able to take it, I'm already feeling so alone, lost and scared and everyday I wake up, it takes effort for me to decide to even get out of bed." Sorry if this is all a bit scattered, I just needed to let this all out and I don't know what to do anymore, I just hope that someone here may have some helpful advice, trying certainly couldn't make my life any worse at this point, that's for sure!
 
Hey Sub, I wish I could give you a magic answer to your problems but I can't because I am going through some similar things. I can tell you that I was honestly a lot worse off a year ago than I am today. I was addicted to methadone and xanax. I thought that I would never ever get off those two drugs and it took me hundreds of tries but it has been worth it because I feel as though they were making my depression worse. I think you know this by now but a lot of those drugs in excess will just make you more depressed overtime. I know what it's like to not want to get out of bed in the morning. I have a habit of running from my problems as well but If I don't face them now and take the necessary pains to help myself then I know everything will only get worse as I keep putting it off.

I was sure I had hep.c until I got tested a year ago. I shared a lot of needles and knew a bunch of people who did but just believing didn't mean it was so and if I did have it I wanted to know. I am glad to see you here on Bluelight. There are people here who can give you better advice than I can so stick around. Hang in there and just try taking small steps. I know it is really painful when you think you are almost there only to take steps back again but you will learn from every mistake and it will make you stronger trust me. I will be here tomorrow night and I hope to see you back again.
 
Congratulations on making it off of methadone and Xanax and also on being hep c free! Thank you for the advice about putting things off, I have noticed that too can add to my depression on top of everything else going on, I wish you the best of luck with everything you are going through.
 
subutex, I can tell you unequivocally that what is truly important to your mom is that you are happy in your own mind, that you are at peace, not how successful you are. We tell ourselves a lot of stories about success. We shame ourselves over and over in our own heads and no wonder sometimes the exhaustion makes it seem not worth it. I am a mom that lost her son to an overdose. The external things I encouraged him to do--go to school, work, eat healthier, get off drugs--those were all just my clumsy attempts to say, I want you to find your power inside. It was his disconnection from his own self-worth that crushed me emotionally, not how well he could "prove" his worth by the common benchmarks of our culture.

I have been doing a lot of studying and reading and thinking about shame. Learning to recognize when we feel it, what triggers it and then how to disengage from the voice of it in our own heads is way easier when you actually tell someone. Shame loves secrecy and silence. Congrats on writing this up. I know it took a lot of courage. You are definitely not alone in battling opiate addiction and abusing subs. Many people here can relate and maybe even offer some strategies for trying to step outside of that cycle. I think you should take what you wrote and start a thread where people can engage with you more directly. You could put it here n TDS or you could put it in Sober Living (you don't have to be out of active addiction to post there--just trying to be!:))

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply to reach out. It takes more courage than many can imagine.<3
 
Told both my mother and boyfriend I needed their help because I was at rock bottom with my depression and scared. My boyfriend's workload is apparently too heavy to come to me for at east a few days. And my mother just got hysterical and told me to fly home, not realizing that the main reason why I came to LA was because my birth-state had me beyond miserable.

Just don't know what I'm fighting for anymore. I don't value myself as a human being.
 
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