Hi mrflowers, I've seen your posts and recognise, to some extent your pain and anguish with these thoughts of suicide.
I can find myself in greater troubles after amphetamines, I use them for a break form the constant apathy and exhaustion of depression but it is certainly a double edged sword.
You are an experienced individual in terms of drug use and more so your own mental state, you know now is not a good time to be making these decisions.
After all you have been through to end it all because a temporary crash after a drug binge would truly be waste, it may be that a time will come when you conclude that you really do want to end it all but not now...the feelings are at least partly artificial and will pass in time.
You still not feel on top of the world but you will b in a much better position to make coherent judgements, hang on in there if only to prove that you can. I'm going to bet you have suffered worse in the past and pulled through for another day....and that since that time at least a few good things have happened or you have done good things for others.
The world needs you, I haven't even got to know you and neither have so many others.
Suicidal thoughts have plagued me these last few months, my depression seems never ending and my lack of ability to connect with others brings isolation. These last few weeks I've tried to start accepting the thoughts and the possibility I will carry them out as is my choice. I've kept busy and tried to achieve a few minor things and at least make a few simple plans for the coming days, it has helped a little.
Suicide is not an answer, I can't see it will bring me the things I want...release from this crushing depression, self worth , some level of enjoyment and the ability to form some more meaningful relationships with others. Not to mention the devastation I would leave behind by such a wasteful action, how would that leave my family, my kids, my Mum they need me I know they do because they no my problems and have told me so.
Try and make a go of this life, death will come to us all in the end and the next journey will begin.
PM me anytime I for one would miss you around the place