Fuck!!!!
I am so torn between life and death.
on one side of this coin is the light and joy in my life,
my daughters. 7 weeks and 2 years old....
on the other side is a tsunami of pain and self judgment that seems insurmountable .
ditching out on my children is not an option, in any way shape or form for me.
none of this is there fault and I know first hand what its like growing up with out parents.
I also feel like my staying around as it were will only inflict more damage,
possibly terrible damage and that is not how im down to get down....
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why am I so god damn broken!?
it seems like no matter how hard I try to be the person I feel I should be able to be,....
aahhhh.....
my whole life I just fucked everything up and im soooooooo scared that this will be true in my being a good father.
so what dose this wast time and space do?
killing myself would surly be fucking that up, but my continuing the fight might achieve the same as well....
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im a cuter and my oldest sees the cuts on my legs and asks,
"Dady, owie!?" and trys to kiss it better.....
what the fuck is wrong with me!?
why cant I just be a good person?
my little girls deserve so much better than me and it dose not feel fair that they are stuck with a piece of shit like me....
im so depressed and confused and the pressure just keeps building and I am becoming afraid that I may snap and hurt my family......
anybody. please help!