Wow thanks for putting the time into that post.
Of course man; I did it not just for you, but anyone else in the same situation. No one deserves to have to struggle with social anxiety and depression on a daily basis.
Exercise: I haven't been good about it lately, I do need to go get back in the gym but I just find myself with not a lot of motivation for anything nowadays. It kind of pisses me off that I stopped going, before I stopped I got my deadlift up to 405lbs, now I'm afraid when I go back to the gym a lot of my strength will be lost
This happens to a lot of people with social anxiety and depression. We'll start with it, and then give it up due to one thing or another; either laziness, social anxiety, depression, or another factor - whatever it might be, or a combination of all of these.
The most important way to address exercise is to realize that I exercise every day and I don't go to a gym to do it. I lay out a floor on my carpet to do crunches, I have an iron gym (one of
these things) to do push ups with, and I can do static holds on the same towel on my carpet. When I go jogging/running/speed walking, all I need are my shoes and the city streets.
So don't let "not going to the gym" be a deterrent from exercising. Really. Just think of it like, who needs a gym? Haha. People often think you
have to go to a gym to stay fit, it's just not true. It's ideal, and sure, if I had a gym membership, I'm sure I'd be using it instead of what I do instead. However, the dedication it takes to keep up with going to a gym, the effort involved, and the guilt you'll feel if you don't keep up with it, is in a lot of ways setting yourself up for failure. It's better to keep up with something you know you can do and know you can keep yourself doing.
People often aim for like the BEST in life, and when they don't get what they want, they feel horribly let down. The way I like to deal with things is that I am for "good enough", and when things turn out for the best, it's a pleasant surprise.
So in this sense, just get started exercising again. Even if it just involves doing like a few push ups and going on a mile walk, start
somewhere and work your way up. If you do want to go to a gym again one day, start exercising without a gym first, prove to yourself you're dedicated enough to want to get the gym membership, and then after you get into the cycle of exercising regularly again, go for it.
And
do not let yourself feel bad for not doing something, instead: just do it. I'm sure that sounds easier said than done, but it really is that simple. The other day I was coming to the realization about how disgusted I was with something not being clean, so I picked up a bottle of cleaner and a sponge, and I kept scrubbing vigorously until my entire stove was clean, and then I kept going and did all the counter tops to my kitchen, I did my whole bathroom, I cleaned all the walls and ceilings, and threw away a lot of stuff I didn't need.
If I would have just sat around feeling bad about not doing anything, nothing would have gotten done, and I would have just felt worse about myself. All it takes is for you to realize you just have to do something and knowing as soon as you get it done, you'll feel great that you got it accomplished.
Meditation: Haven't tried this, even though I've read the numerous benefits of meditation. Something I'll definitely look into, thanks.
Definitely recommended. And of course, you are welcome. I hope that meditation works well for you. It's great for me.
Support network: Unfortunately, growing up in the South I was raised religious, but from the time from my confirmation (age 11 or 12) I started to seriously doubt all the things I was being taught at church. Of course, I could never admit to my parents that I'm an atheist, as their parents were religious and so were theirs. Even when I had friends, I sadly spun so many lies about my life that it became exhausting trying to keep up.
Since I've been living throughout these lies for so long, I really feel like I can't trust anyone except my brother. Probably the only person I can talk about most stuff too.
I'm sorry to hear about this. I never doubted the existence of god but I quickly became disenchanted with Christianity too. I'm a very spiritual person despite not being a religious one.
Definitely stay in touch with your brother. If you think you can trust him, you should tell him most of the stuff you have shared here, if you are able to/want to. I think he will be understanding and loving enough to be there for you through this. You never know, he might have some of the same problems and might not have many people to talk to about it either.
I've never been in a relationship, let alone date or have sex, so I have had literally zero emotional intimacy with anyone in my life. Knowing this is probably one of the biggest reasons why I'm depressed and social anxiety. A catch 22 if you will, scared to go out because I don't have social confidence, don't have social confidence because I don't go out. Anyways I used to tell my 'friends' that I had dated in the past, made up fake girlfriends names, told these people I was a Christian. My chronic low self esteem translated into me being a people pleaser type of person. Luckily, during high school I wasn't picked on badly or anything, and after college I got big as fuck so I never dealt with people harassing me.
Well I will say that it's not a bad thing to be a virgin. If I could go back in time just so I didn't lose my virginity to the person that I did, I would. But, that ship has sailed and there's no going back. Just know that when you do get to have sex, it should be with someone you really care about and who really cares about you as well.
May I ask you what your plans are regarding this? You definitely deserve happiness. Do you think you're going to try to start dating in the future? Is that something you would want for your life?
Therapy: I've tried it before, although I did not give it it's fair shake. The guy I had clearly had no experience with social anxiety, as after an hour of telling him the terrible anxiety I deal with on a daily basis, he gave me a 2 page printoff about anxiety. It fucking looked like he just went to google and printed off the most cooke cutter bullshit ever. I probably should go back but it's tough man.
Well it sounds like you didn't go to a good therapist. Try going to a different one. This time, you can go online and read reviews about who you're going to go see, so you can avoid people with bad reviews. Another thing you can do is ask friends/family if anyone of them know a good therapist; someone in your circle of people probably does.
You didn't tell me a lot about what happened with your first attempt with therapy, but just hearing the fact that he gave you a 2 page print off from some online website should show that he definitely was under-qualified to be your therapist. No questions asked. I would definitely give therapy another attempt, with someone more qualified. Try to cherry pick the person who you think is going to be best for you. You can even call and talk to them on the phone first so you can get a feel for if you're going to "click" with them or not.
Dating: Yeah, possibly the very reason why I want to kill myself. I know it's not smart to base your happiness on a potential relationship but I feel at 21 years old that I have such little experience (I mean literallly NONE) that I don't even talk to women anymore. I just avoid them because I'm incredibly awkward and shy. Jacking off is nice but your hand gets old after awhile haha
Don't let this make you feel bad. I lost my virginity at 19 and I wish I had held onto it for a few more years, although I did not.
The awkward feeling/sensations you experience are a result of social anxiety. The more you work towards alleviating your social anxiety, the less awkwardness you will perceive with yourself. I used to feel awkward almost all the time, in every way possible. I don't think I feel awkward anymore though. It just takes time getting used to yourself; I'm sure at 21 I was still a bit awkward feeling too.
Doc:I've been to the doc before, he actually referred me to a psychiatrist after trying out 3 or so different med combos for depression/anxiety. Right now I'm on paxil and remeron, but nothing has been improved really from it, honestly I feel worse after trying out a gauntlet of medication. I know benzos are addictive but I feel I'm at the point where my anxiety is so bad that it has essentially paralyzed me.
I wish I could say that talking about my depression to my family/doc has helped, but honestly it really hasn't. I feel even more depressed and suicidal for whatever reason.
You should go back to your doctor and get off the paxil and remeron. I'm not saying this because I'm a doctor, I'm not, and I'm not saying this because I think you should just hop on benzos either (because they are addictive and you can't use them every day and still have them work well).
The
only reason I'm saying you should get off of paxil and remeron is because you said that nothing has been improved from it. Taking medications that don't work for you only does 1 thing: it makes doctors and pharmaceutical companies a lot of money. Clearly it isn't working well for you, and that's going off what you're telling me (and you have no reason to lie about this).
It's important when you go back to the doctor/psychiatrist that you explain that the gauntlet (nice word choice by the way) of medications you have tried have not worked, and you want to try a benzodiazepine for anxiety, as needed. They will likely be all right with prescribing you a small amount of a benzodiazepine. You can tell them you don't want to get dependent on the medication and you only want to take it as needed. I'm only recommending this for you because I suffered from social anxiety/depression for so long that I should have done this very thing a long time ago. It took me about 9 years of suffering through suicidal ideation/social anxiety/depression/PTSD until I was able to ask (and get prescribed) xanax. When I take my medication (I always take it as prescribed), I feel amazing. I don't over-think things, I just do them. And then after I've gotten an entire day's worth of stuff done and still have time in the evening to relax by myself, I feel amazing. I literally have never felt so effective and productive in my entire life.
It's been about 3 months since my attempt at suicide, well it was more of a success since i did die for a couple minutes, overdose on seroquel 6000mg and 200mg of xanax, woke up after a week long coma and just haven't felt right since. it feels like i'm purposely doing dangerous things just to feel something again, i pick fights at bars that i'm not legally allowed in for three more weeks, i've gotten the shit beat out of me, been jumped, beat up a couple bigger guys after hitting on there wives, slept with married women, tried a whole new array of drugs and ive been arrested twice in this span of three months, I can't stop, I don't want to stop. Hell, I've even taken my mountain biking to a whole new level hitting dangerous trails way out of my league hitting 20-30 foot drops.
Wow it feels good to say all of that.
I still think of different ways to die everyday but don't have the nerve anymore, I'm afraid i will someday soon.
on top of all that my girlfriend was messing around on me and i knew it and didn't really care, she just broke up with me and i feel completely numb to it, hell, we were both cheating it wasn't healthy.
I don't know you, and all I've heard about you is from this post here, but it sounds like you have a problem regulating your impulses, as well as being what is colloquially referred to as an "adrenaline junkie".
You've admitted to doing all of these outrageous, incredibly dangerous, physically risky behaviors, and it seems like you're not quite proud nor ashamed of it, but almost confused by why you feel compelled to do these things.
Do you know why you do stuff like this? Have you thought about asking for help?
Feel free to PM me if you'd like. I got your friend request and accepted it.
So before I made that long ass post I must've left my side door accidentally open. After typing I get up and see my cat is gone and my door is cracked. It's probably been cracked for an hour. My 11 year old cat with no tags is now gone and I have no idea where he went. Please someone end it for me
I'm so sorry man.
When I was with my ex-girlfriend, while she was fully psychotic, she let her own cat run away. No tags. I still miss the cat, my other cat I own misses that cat, etc. - and I know what it feels like.
I hope your cat comes back; they can and do come back sometimes. I had a cat with my family when I was growing up, the cat ran away for a few days, but she came back. She had a bunch of scratches (apparently had been fighting with the other cats in the neighborhood) but she was fine.
I'm very sorry to hear about your missing cat and am wishing you the best of luck.
