Recovery The Recovery Thread (2022)

[Blankenstein]

doctor came and saw me and is giving me a second chance, but has revoked my leave.

 

[Eldritch Palmer]

@Blankenstein

You're not a fraud. You're doing amazing. Don't confuse yourself with your sickness.

...

I had a cunt of a day at work today. On the drive home, I had that voice in my head again telling me to get high... but that's not going to make life any easier. So I told myself to shut the fuck up and the voice stopped.

 

[Blankenstein]

@Blankenstein

You're not a fraud. You're doing amazing. Don't confuse yourself with your sickness.

...

I had a cunt of a day at work today. On the drive home, I had that voice in my head again telling me to get high... but that's not going to make life any easier. So I told myself to shut the fuck up and the voice stopped.

Good work man. I’d been telling that voice to shut the fuck up for a few days but it got too much. I need to get better.

Well done

 

[Blankenstein]

I’m not going to get any today because I already took a bunch this morning, but he said he will start giving me diazepam. I said/asked is it better for me to take a few while here or risk running out and using other stuff. I don’t know if that is me just trying to get drugs or being truthful. It’s probably just a drug seeking cop out of a behaviour to be honest.

 

[Eldritch Palmer]

It’s probably just a drug seeking cop out of a behaviour to be honest.

Yeah, I've been there. I had more benzos than I needed when I was in rehab, for sure... but they are not going to give you enough to get fucked up.

Don't punish yourself about diaz.

 

[Jabberwocky]

so glad you came clean and got a good result from it @Blankenstein honestly well done.

have they talked about extending your stay or getting you into a proper rehab directly out of here? you will not be their first patient who has needed more than a 2-4 week stay and i think it should be clear that if you've used while in there you still have a LOT of work to do.

i still can't believe they let you have your phone and money!! we got our phones an hour a day, all our cash was held by them and we could request items when the support workers were going to the shops. we were also in the middle of no where, and the fundamental untenability of getting anywhere at all from there without phone or money stopped me walking many a time.

 

[Blankenstein]

so glad you came clean and got a good result from it @Blankenstein honestly well done.

have they talked about extending your stay or getting you into a proper rehab directly out of here? you will not be their first patient who has needed more than a 2-4 week stay and i think it should be clear that if you've used while in there you still have a LOT of work to do.

i still can't believe they let you have your phone and money!! we got our phones an hour a day, all our cash was held by them and we could request items when the support workers were going to the shops. we were also in the middle of no where, and the fundamental untenability of getting anywhere at all from there without phone or money stopped me walking many a time.

I suppose it’s not just a detox/drug and alcohol place. It’s also a mental health facility (obviously addiction and mental health are often very much intertwined) so maybe they are more lenient. It’s catered more to short stay stuff, I imagine the longer term purely drug rehab places might be a bit more strict.

I think once you are past acute withdrawals and potential seizure risk you are allowed short amounts of leave. The philosophy behind that is that you won’t always be in a bubble like you are here, so you need to kind of test yourself abit. I did get breath tested when I came back so im glad I didn’t drink a few beers while I was out.

From what I gather it’s not really catered to a long term stay.

It’s so fucked that while they were searching my room I’m already thinking “I can hide stuff there, they didn’t search there” I hate my brain so much. Literally an hour after I came clean because I felt so guilty I’m already scheming.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i would imagine detox facilities to be more strict. they certainly are here!! my friends done a few and its a locked ward, no way of bringing anything in or getting out unless you scheme like crazy, which she did and escaped and the police came and got her. didn't do her any good, meant she was locked in for longer. i just can't see what anyone expects with letting addicts out straight after withdrawals ffs.

we were allowed leave but in primary care it was only with visitors, you couldn't go on your own, and they still piss and breath tested you when you got back. in secondary care i was allowed out on my own, still tested when i got back. i was also allowed to go to my parents for weekends in secondary care. but that was after like a month and a half. we had no phones or visitors for the first week.

are you making arrangements for rehab as soon as you get out? it is clear you need a stricter and longer term facility.

and speak to them about the thoughts you're having. they shouldn't even let you in there while they're searching your room!!

 

[Nurse Ratched]

i would imagine detox facilities to be more strict. they certainly are here!! my friends done a few and its a locked ward, no way of bringing anything in or getting out unless you scheme like crazy, which she did and escaped and the police came and got her. didn't do her any good, meant she was locked in for longer. i just can't see what anyone expects with letting addicts out straight after withdrawals ffs.

we were allowed leave but in primary care it was only with visitors, you couldn't go on your own, and they still piss and breath tested you when you got back. in secondary care i was allowed out on my own, still tested when i got back. i was also allowed to go to my parents for weekends in secondary care. but that was after like a month and a half. we had no phones or visitors for the first week.

are you making arrangements for rehab as soon as you get out? it is clear you need a stricter and longer term facility.

and speak to them about the thoughts you're having. they shouldn't even let you in there while they're searching your room!!

Yeah, I don't know where he lives or what kind of facility he is in but it almost sounds like a halfway house. It's not real rehab or a psych ward. You have to leave all your stuff ( phone, money, keys ) in a tote before you go in and your tote gets locked in a room with everyone else's totes. You pretty much go in with the clothes on your back and a small kit with toothbrush, shampoo etc.

The privilages that he gets are more indicative of a halfway house where you are monitored but still have your belongings. And yeah, people don't get to stay in their room when it's being searched. I hope you can get into real rehab @Blankenstein ...it will really be helpful when you can't act on your impulses and let your mind trick you.

 

[Blankenstein]

It’s a detox/mental health clinic I suppose.

Im in Australia. From my understanding a lot of the longer term places are a bit more strict.

 

[Blankenstein]

You get breath testing coming back in, but fuck it’s pretty chill. I got my privileges revoked and I have just now walked out the front door. I’m not doing anything suss. It’s just the outdoor area at the back is ducking loud and I want some peace and to just sit outside by myself and think now the sun has gone down.

And I knew this was going to happen I just went and got some
Seroquel because at least it will zonk me a little. I fucking told them not to write it on my file. I held out a few days now I hope I don’t take it as much as im allowed. And I know this is hypocritical because i want them to give me vallies as well now. Blurghhhhhh fuck I hate this shit.

 

[Blankenstein]

Sorry for making this all about me. How’s everybody else going? Everyone behaving and travelling ok? Anyone struggling?

 

[Jabberwocky]

It’s a detox/mental health clinic I suppose.

Im in Australia. From my understanding a lot of the longer term places are a bit more strict.

what are you doing to get into one of those long term places? when are you going to transfer.

a significant proportion of people who comply with and complete stricter, longer term, rehab score on their way home. i'm sorry to say but if you've scored in there i think there is little hope for you not doing the same. please arrange proper rehab. please.

You get breath testing coming back in, but fuck it’s pretty chill. I got my privileges revoked and I have just now walked out the front door. I’m not doing anything suss. It’s just the outdoor area at the back is ducking loud and I want some peace and to just sit outside by myself and think now the sun has gone down.

i'd like to give you some perspective. you have not had your priviledges revoked in any meaningful way. you're on the internet and out of doors.

i ended up in a psych crisis ward. i was heading for IP treatment anyway cos my BMI had dipped below the mandatory hospitalisation one but i wasn't in for ED stuff. i got caught making a joint.

i went from relative freedom, allowed my phone, visitors, to leave the room, etc etc. to locked in my room with no possibility of visitors, not even allowed out for a cig, no phone. and having to 'earn' those priviledges back by gaining weight.

if you allow yourself to get worse then you will be in that position too. it is MUCH, MUCH harder to heal from a position where you're locked in a room with no company but nurses from time to time compared to one where you are allowed your phone and to leave your room. i know for a fact having discussed mental health hospitalisations with people around the world that my experience is not a one off. its happened to people i've discussed this stuff with in australia too so don't think it can't happen to you.

luckily i was able to get my weight back up above BMI 15 so i could discharge myself (and promptly fell into the worst anorexia of my life, no surprise there). if you're in for drug issues you will likely not have any power over whether you can discharge yourself if you've been admitted or held against your will.

so, sort it now. it can get shitter and the more entrenched you get the stricter and more traumatic your treatment will become. the more of your life you'll piss away, if you make it through alive.

And I knew this was going to happen I just went and got some
Seroquel because at least it will zonk me a little. I fucking told them not to write it on my file. I held out a few days now I hope I don’t take it as much as im allowed. And I know this is hypocritical because i want them to give me vallies as well now. Blurghhhhhh fuck I hate this shit.

you really shouldn't be in a place where they are allowing you to just pick what drugs you want. ffs.

do you actually want to get clean? is now not the time to start working towards that goal?

sorry to be harsh, just really frustrating to see this.

 

[Eldritch Palmer]

Hard day yesterday. The devil on my shoulder was convincing me that it was a hard day because I wasn't high. Maybe sobriety is more difficult than being fucked up. I told myself to shut the fuck up again, but the voice kept going. I managed to get to sleep without drugs... but it's getting harder and harder to justify being sober. Life is so hard. My job is a fucking nightmare... Today was okay. I got some weed on the way home from work, for tomorrow. So fucking hard to not hit it tonight, but I have a long day at work on Saturday. I want to be high right now, but I don't want to be tired at work anymore. I'm tired of struggling. So, I resisted again.... But, it's so fucking hard.

Failure is inevitable. Sometimes I feel like I should just give up.

I would be so much happier if I lived a festival life 24/7. There is nothing missing from that life. I have my family and my friends and I can smoke a bowl and not stress about it.

I'm so sick of money.

I hate money.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I want to be high right now, but I don't want to be tired at work anymore. I'm tired of struggling. So, I resisted again.... But, it's so fucking hard.

get this so much but replace high with drunk

i fucking had the best of intentions, and booked myself onto an online retreat from tonight for a week. then found out there's a gig tonight and one tomorrow.... i really wanna do both but i already drank the past 2 nights, though not loads yesterday i was at my boyfs parents. if i go to the gigs i will drink both nights and not do the first 2 days of this retreat. def going tomorrow cos i had a pain in the arse sorting tickets, but really should do this meditation thing tonight at least.

i'm not sure there is nothing missing from the festival lifestyle. does it not basically make any long term goals impossible?

failure is not inevitable but if you feel like it is you're probably making a self fulfilling prophecy.

@Blankenstein how are you doing today?

 

[Blankenstein]

@Blankenstein how are you doing today?

Still reeling from the dressing down you gave me in your previous post…

But, no I’m ok. Had some wins, had some losses. I’m feeling more optimistic today.

I really wanted to go out and drink so I asked again to get put on my Antabuse, which they called the doctor and did. So I’m happy about that.

I think I am getting a lot out of the group work. Don’t get me wrong I still want to use, but I’m learning and putting in place some stuff to do with boundaries, assertiveness, confrontation etc… while that isn’t going to cure me I think being able to recognise areas of my life that require work and starting to put some of that stuff in place will help my using to some extent.

When I leave I will come back as an out patient and do a weekly relapse prevention course with the guy that’s been running my group. I think already having a rapport with the counsellor as he now knows my background will be beneficial instead of starting over with another person who I may not gel with so much.

I went for a run in the arvo so I feel good about that.

Those are kind of my wins for the day.

My losses/behaviour that is concerning is I’m asking for Valium and stock piling/stashing it so I can eat a few at once. Not exactly progress in that department.

Great work on resisting getting high @Eldritch Palmer !

What did you decide about the gigs/retreat @chinup ?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Still reeling from the dressing down you gave me in your previous post…

i'm sorry if i was overly aggressive. i hope the message didn't get lost in my tone. it is hard to know how to convey the seriousness of a situation.

But, no I’m ok. Had some wins, had some losses. I’m feeling more optimistic today.

I really wanted to go out and drink so I asked again to get put on my Antabuse, which they called the doctor and did. So I’m happy about that.

I think I am getting a lot out of the group work. Don’t get me wrong I still want to use, but I’m learning and putting in place some stuff to do with boundaries, assertiveness, confrontation etc… while that isn’t going to cure me I think being able to recognise areas of my life that require work and starting to put some of that stuff in place will help my using to some extent.

When I leave I will come back as an out patient and do a weekly relapse prevention course with the guy that’s been running my group. I think already having a rapport with the counsellor as he now knows my background will be beneficial instead of starting over with another person who I may not gel with so much.

I went for a run in the arvo so I feel good about that.

well done for asking to go back on antabuse.

i really don't think you're at a point yet where a weekly relapse prevention course is going to be enough. you are still using, you have to be clean for relapse prevention to even make sense. do they know you are still using?

i'm glad you're getting a lot out of group work. have they done any individual work to get to the bottom of your addiction? like why you're using and what can be done about the fundamental psychological issues driving that?

What did you decide about the gigs/retreat @chinup ?

i did the retreat on the friday evening and saturday morning, then went to the gig last night. it was fucking mint. so good, and i've offered to help out the people organising these things local to me. usually i have to get a half our train ride, so having them run a 40 min walk from me is something i want to do everything i can to support. i'm very hungover today, but that is the sort of drinking me and my boyf have agreed is OK, like when you're out for an event not just sitting and rotting at home. plus i did a lot of dancing so that was fun.

should do the retreat session this eve, but i'm finding it hard to get into. it was always going to be an experiment, and its run by a different centre to the one i go to, though within the same tradition, but it seems a lot more woo. also, i am just too immature. yesterday they were telling us in the body scan to concentrate on 'the area between anus and genitals' like for ages and i cannot do that because i am apparently a teenage boy. then we finished by lying in the fetal position listening to him doing drumming and chanting 'ooooommmmmmmmmmmm' which was nice but i'm not sure what i get from it. i should give it another chance though. i've fucking paid for it and even if its not exactly to my liking its better than sitting around doing fuck all.

 

[Blankenstein]

i'm sorry if i was overly aggressive. i hope the message didn't get lost in my tone. it is hard to know how to convey the seriousness of a situation.

no it’s totally fine. Everyone is telling me how well I’m doing. You are just speaking your mind/opinion based on your personal experiences, experiences of peers and from what I have shared over the past year or so. It’s not what I want to hear because it’s more than likely true. So i threw a bit of a tantrum. But hey I’m just a big baby

I do feel like I have made some progress in certain aspects, but yeh I’m still totally all over the place. Feeling confident in not wanting to use then 2 minutes later all I can think about is using.

They don’t really do one on one therapy inpatient for the first couple of weeks. However group isn’t compulsory on the weekends, but I have been doing it. So it has basically been one on one therapy based on what I feel like I need attention on at the time.

I have also got an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow.

I had 10mg of Valium and 50mg of seroquel last night and didn’t stash them and haven’t been counting down the clock until I can get them. So I am working on that behaviour. I haven’t told anyone that I was stashing them for a couple of days, but they are aware that I am having cravings.

The retreat sounds interesting. Good stuff. I’m getting my mum to drop my yoga mat around today so I can do some YouTube yoga stuff if I want to try take my mind of cravings.

Where do you stand on your “only drinking when going out to social events”? I’m not trying to be a dick, but isn’t that the usual justification and putting in rules around using that for a lot of people usually end up getting broken and all of a sudden your back to your previous level of drinking?

I mean I know I’m always toying with the idea of only using/drinking on a weekend day or special occasion, but for me that never works.

 

[hylite]

Omg. I only have 11 hydrocodones left AND a half of an oxycodone 5mg. AND THAT'S IT.

I can't do this anymore.

Maybe tomorrow I will be able to figure something out.

BUT today this is how I just feel. I won't be able to do this anymore.

I might not make it. withdrawal might be really bad,
or maybe not so bad, or it will be worse than I think it will and I will have to turn to other things. Most likely
the xan's BUT they throw me into cluster headaches

SO. . . . I do have some of those two drugs that can help with the rattles.

One is the gabapentin and the other script is the other one progesterone or I will
have to look on the label and see. But then I am going to be hooked on those things and I HATE them
because I don't like how I feel when I take them.

So . . . . . NOW wtf am i supposed to do ? I am going to
be trading one med for some junk I don't even like just to be hooked on them INSTEAD !!!! ?

Maybe tomorrow will be better. I don't know. If I could find a doctor to help me wean that would be FANTASTIC.

But they ALL wont help unless it is with gabapentin or progesterone or some shit like that. They all say
I aint loosin my licence to prescribe legitimate proper hydrocodone to help you wean so they just give
me other stuff that I am going to be stuck on and have to withdrawal from.

But yet hydrocodone helped me and I had NO PROBLEM taking it as prescribed or when needed but NOW I CAN'T
because they WON'T prescribe anymore because they will loose their licence . . . . . ! WHAT ?

Anyway I CANNOT just quit without just loosing what's left of my mind. I can't just stop without loosing what's left
of me. I can't even live properly. And SO TODAY. I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE and I CAN'T DO
THIS ANYMORE. AT ALL.

 

[hylite]

EEE Yes. SO now I have 10 and a 1/4 hydrocodones 10mg's left. AND a half of a 5mg oxycodone. I took a high dose TODAY because I want to have one more day REMAINING of being able to get through being alive. I JUST HURT NOW. And this is my life now of trying to be free from the pain of IT ALL. I vomit without those pills and hurt so bad too without.
NOT the kind of life that I want to continue living that's for sure.

I guess this will be my waaa waaa whine and cry out about how miserable life is day. IT REALLY HURTS GUYZ. IT REALLY HURTS.

It's NOT how I want to live anymore anyway, that's for sure. My medication is being cut off and I have to find a way to get more. Not to over indulge or to get super super high and use too much. NO ! I JUST WANT ENOUGH TO HELP WITH MY PAIN. And I can't get anymore. So now what ? Doctors ONLY care about their license when it has to do with hydrocodone pain relief. AND THAT WILL NEVER HELP ME.

I never thought I could be like this. But it is true. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. ANYMORE. ANYMORE.