Recovery The Recovery Thread (2022)

[Blankenstein]

Day

yeah its really fucking annoying. i never should have stepped on a scale last christmas. i really genuinely believed it wouldn't end up like this. your friend is right that there are parallels between addiction and eating disorders. to me they are both escapism, its all just fucked coping mechanisms, both food, or the denial of it, and drugs change how you feel.

now on day 10 of no booze and still going strong. kinda amazed i made it through the weekend.


i was fucking terrible at it too, and it meant i messed up my easy veins super quick (cos i also didn't rotate sites cos i'm a lazy idiot), not helped cos we need to use acid to dissolve our heroin and i did a lot of speedballs too. i think its for the best you're not good at it.

this will sound v hypocritical. but do not let heroin addicts into your flat. they will rob you. if not straight away, then eventually. i dunno if the people you're using with are. or they'll expect free drugs. or something.

i found it very odd, all the etiquette of using in someone elses place- like giving them a free pipe of crack and shit- apparently did not apply when people used at mine, and i always ended up finding it hard to get rid of people and having them annoy me into giving them drugs. i ended up just using on my own not cos i wanted to but cos i was fed up of addicts. the only person who was sound was the girl i bought large weights of crack from. but i was in her flat so could leave whenever, and we both had our own drugs. in fact it was usually her giving me free pipes.

did you call the rehab? you really need to. and you need to speak to people you trust about how to keep yourself safe when you get back from work.

started my tax return this evening!! and then got stuck straight away cos i needed info that's in my online banking which i don't have access to, but my dad does. being so irresponsible with money that i can't have my own bank account has its upsides at times lol, he has to take care of a lot of boring crap for me. i should have more self respect and respect for him and do this shit myself but its so difficult to motivate myself.

Day 10 keep it up.

 

[Jabberwocky]

The mate I used with has been my friend for over 15 years. He won’t ever do me harm.

good. as long as its just him you're using with you should be good.

I dont think I called the rehab again. I can’t remember half of the stuff I do because of benzos it’s sucks. I’m contemplating just saying fuck it and flying home tomorrow and quitting. I’m so fucking niserable.

i would talk honestly to your employer about what is going on. don't say anything that implies that you have used/been under the influence at work, but say that you struggle when you are at home and its severely impacting your health, even when you are at work. don't just quit.

it sucks that that AA meeting is the only one available in that area- do they not have NA at all? i could never identify with people who have only drank, particularly those who are like 'i never used drugs cos that's illegal' and then tell their 'funny' stories about how they drank drove all the time. fuck them.

i'm now on day 14 of being sober, though its only 9.30 so who knows. its been a bit more difficult this week. no cravings but already starting to kinda plan drinking at the end. when i am supposed to not drink at all.

and, i think i'll get my tax return sent today.

i'm kinda pissed about tax, this is really stupidly priviledged and i shouldn't moan, but i recently requested a pay rise and i selected the amount based on the threshold of our 40% tax bracket. i just don't think its ethical to give our current government 40p in every pound i earn above a certain threshold. well i just got another unrequested pay rise putting me above that threshold. even if i donated it all to charity, our government gift aid scheme only pays 20%, so they still get more money. i'm so fucking angry with our government and i don't have many ways to tell them 'fuck you.'

 

[Blankenstein]

good. as long as its just him you're using with you should be good.


i would talk honestly to your employer about what is going on. don't say anything that implies that you have used/been under the influence at work, but say that you struggle when you are at home and its severely impacting your health, even when you are at work. don't just quit.

it sucks that that AA meeting is the only one available in that area- do they not have NA at all? i could never identify with people who have only drank, particularly those who are like 'i never used drugs cos that's illegal' and then tell their 'funny' stories about how they drank drove all the time. fuck them.

i'm now on day 14 of being sober, though its only 9.30 so who knows. its been a bit more difficult this week. no cravings but already starting to kinda plan drinking at the end. when i am supposed to not drink at all.

and, i think i'll get my tax return sent today.

i'm kinda pissed about tax, this is really stupidly priviledged and i shouldn't moan, but i recently requested a pay rise and i selected the amount based on the threshold of our 40% tax bracket. i just don't think its ethical to give our current government 40p in every pound i earn above a certain threshold. well i just got another unrequested pay rise putting me above that threshold. even if i donated it all to charity, our government gift aid scheme only pays 20%, so they still get more money. i'm so fucking angry with our government and i don't have many ways to tell them 'fuck you.'

Yeh you’re right. he flies into town on Tuesday and wants to catch up before I drive 6 hours north for a week. I think, no, I will talk to him then. I just need to be honest, actually take action and begin to change my behaviour so I can become the person I want to be.

I was feeling pretty desperate earlier today.

I think going to the meeting and actually sharing really helped. It was actually a big meeting for this town (probably 10 people).

I’m trying to not get worked up. I got a couple of messages from friends, which was nice.

I also remembered I got a couple of phone numbers from some NA people over Christmas. I think I’ll call one of them tomorrow and reach out.

Good stuff on the tax return, I’m putting off doing mine, they can be a pain in the arse.

What’s the plan for resisting drinking at the end of the week?

How is everybody else going?

 

[Shady's Fox]

What quite a journey's been for me. Now I go into February with the same operating sistem, no pain at all.. it didn't affect my danture luckily thanks god and to draw a line, a huge kiss to those few members that been with me, and hope y'all go healthy again . Remember that If you don't love yourself, other hands are voidless.

 

[Jabberwocky]

hello lovely recovery people.

just wanted to apologise for being quiet. i needed a few days off from this place. v stressed at work, had some stupid shit trying to get a replacement dishwasher last week that prompted a massive autistic meltdown, and people who are now on ignore and don't post in here being rude and frankly ridiculous over in another sub forum made me realise i needed a time out.

so stressed i'd barely functioning tbh. digestive system has gone painfully nuts. i'm at my wits end with it. its stopping me sleeping.

for the first time i am not feeling professionally respected in my current job, and at the same time i've had a huge amount piled on me with a short deadline. and i'm wasting my time doing pointless shit because someone who doesn't have any practical experience doing what i do or any proper mathematical training wants me to calculate some numbers that just don't apply in our case.

its not quite as bad as when i got asked to 'replot' one of these as a pie chart (nearly a decade ago, never to be forgotten) but its getting there.

so, sorry for not doing my job in here, i hope everyone is doing well. and i'll be back to offer what small words of comfort i can soon.

also, fucking drank friday and saturday. not craved it since. friday wasn't even fun. saturday was. i'm not beating myself up and i'm kinda glad one of them wasn't fun at all.

 

[Shady's Fox]

You can drink but remember that drinking addiction in my view at least is only linked to beer or whiskey, even a vodka doesn't give some appetite for oblivion, so to whom I spoke and saw at my life time.. anyhow, still have the weird ass cercle like thing that looks ''clogged'', no actions towards nervous sytstem or whatever but is still has to be gone and I've spoke recently with a friend, and he said that the pimple might disappear but the staph remains with no secondary effects, ahaha

 

[Shady's Fox]

and also please, if you ever have staph know that there's an injection similar to how it is for the 12moths sinus protection, don't do it. Is a must, stay in your seatbelt and take a simple antibiotic

 

[birdup]

Averaging 2 days off weed per week for 10 weeks running.

Come midnight it will be three weeks without alcohol... but the alcohol is easy. I don't experience any withdrawals. I don't get strong cravings. My wife was drinking in front of me the other day and I didn't care at all.

I never intended to abstain 2 days a week for this long with weed. I was supposed to increase it to 3 days a week, then 4 days... and, so on.

I have learnt not to rush these things. Now is a good time to swap to three days a week. Maybe I'll do that for a month or so then switch to four days.

 

[birdup]

Had to do two consecutive days to keep up with by weaning. It was surprisingly difficult, still. Clearly having weed five days a week is too much. I'm trying to find a balance that doesn't create tolerance or dependency. Two days I can get away with, I'm sure. Maybe even three... but, I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Five days a week is too much.

 

[hylite]

I can't do this anymore. This life thing. Never suicide no. But. I am just so through with it and over it. I am so weak.
Thank Gowd I had some pain medication today. I didn't take much. But it was what helped me get through so much.
And now I was in pain AND with a stomach ache, of course. I damn needed my fix.

BUT. And I am sorry but I think Satan is after me lately. Or fucking something.
Not only is it scary but I just don't care about life much or anything. Anymore.

I guess going off to a. . another job in a few hours isn't helping at all in the mix. I did work all day really physical working. God it felt so good to be able to do things. Without that hit yeah. I wouldn't have made it. At all !!!

I am still trying to quit. Or get a pain management. I barely have talked with counseling. God is what I do.

I was so sad today I cried a few episodes. But had to keep going. Fucking again. I can't I just can't do life. It's too ridiculous right now.

I hope everybody is fighting through their recoveries. It feels so good to make a difference and be able to think clear and have the opportunity to function productively. And to do or fulfill accomplishments really.

 

[hylite]

I am serious. I can't get out of bed without my pain medication let alone accomplish a priority. I kept telling several doctors about this and THEY DON'T CARE.

WTF Really.

Oh it's true !!

 

[Blankenstein]

Hope everyone’s all good.

@birdup have you found the balance with the weed?

@Shady’sfox how’s the staph infection going?

@chinup are you still on a roll with the booze?

@hylite I feel for you mate. I have some issues with chronic physical pain but not to the extent it sounds like you do. Sounds super fucked.

I can relate to the feelings of sadness. I’m all over the place. Some days I’m pretty depressed and burst into tears. I have been drinking a lot while away at work and there is always a direct correlation between me being depressed and my alcohol consumption.

After a couple of days of drinking I become very disillusioned with life and not optimistic at all where I’m headed. I end up in a very dark place.

Handed in my notice at work. Said I’d do 2 more swings (1 swing = 2 weeks away working 14 days and then fly home for 1 week break). No idea what I’m doing, but if I change my mind the door is open for me to come back. I Just need to change something my mental health is a wreck.

Still haven’t sorted rehab. I have an appointment with my psychologist but have to push it back due work commitments, which sucks as it’s impossible to get into see her.

while i was driving 6 hours to the airport today with my work mate we were discussing what we are going to do on our week off. I said if i could drive 5 hours south and camp on the beach and surf a wave, walk through a Forrest, eat seafood that i forage or shoot myself and finally climb a mountain. That would be a great couple of days and help my mental health. I didn’t say it to my work mate but in reality I’m probably just going to use drugs…

Got home and had some methadone and Valium that I had stashed for when I got home. Fucking ground hog day. Here I go again…

 

[Jabberwocky]

please do something about rehab before your job ends @Blankenstein otherwise all that free time is just space for the addiction to take hold. losing my job was horrendous, it was inevitable, but there really is a huge difference between being a full time day in/day out addict and having something that you're at least in theory supposed to do. same when uni gave me a year off cos of my anorexia, i discovered that it could really be a full time occupation.

@birdup is tolerance the only thing motivating you to cut down on weed? if so, i reckon you should look for something positive that could happen if you're not smoking? and not something unquantifiable like 'better health,' something specific like 'x more money that i will spend on y'

i drank on saturday and sunday. not loads either night. i think i've realised that i have a sort of bargaining approach to abstinence, if i don't get the anticipated benefits its much harder. i haven't had good sleep for over a week, i don't know how i'm functioning, well answer is i barely am. its making me even more stressed cos its making me unable to do the vast amounts of work i need to get done.

still fighting the good fight.

 

[Blankenstein]

please do something about rehab before your job ends @Blankenstein otherwise all that free time is just space for the addiction to take hold. losing my job was horrendous, it was inevitable, but there really is a huge difference between being a full time day in/day out addict and having something that you're at least in theory supposed to do. same when uni gave me a year off cos of my anorexia, i discovered that it could really be a full time occupation.

@birdup is tolerance the only thing motivating you to cut down on weed? if so, i reckon you should look for something positive that could happen if you're not smoking? and not something unquantifiable like 'better health,' something specific like 'x more money that i will spend on y'

i drank on saturday and sunday. not loads either night. i think i've realised that i have a sort of bargaining approach to abstinence, if i don't get the anticipated benefits its much harder. i haven't had good sleep for over a week, i don't know how i'm functioning, well answer is i barely am. its making me even more stressed cos its making me unable to do the vast amounts of work i need to get done.

still fighting the good fight.

Yeh I rang up my insurance provider today to check costs and what not. I need to upgrade and then have to wait 2 months until I can get the cover. I thought I could use a mental health waiver and not have to wait.

If I had of upgraded when I first wanted to the 2 months would have already been over. Once again my inability to take action fucks my self over.

While I was away at work 2 of my friends went and spoke to my mother and brother and told them I was using heroin and overdosed.

Now everybody knows.

I’m not angry at them they said they thought I was going to die and they want their friend back.

I have used heroin the last couple of days and still have some left, which I intend on using.

 

[Jabberwocky]

sorry to hear that your 2 month clock hasn't started counting down yet @Blankenstein - have you upgraded now? is there no other help available while you're waiting?

its awful when your family finds out but i'm kinda glad tbh. you are not safe and you need as many people fighting your corner as possible.

 

[Chem-man]

I haven’t check back to this website for a long time, possibly a year. That makes me both sad and happy. Sad because I haven’t been helping others but happy because I haven’t needed the support that this forum provides.

I guess I am a partial success story. Success because the treatment I have been on has been wildly successful for me, partial because I am still on a prescription medicine whose only purpose is treatment for narcotics addiction. I was taking more pain pills on a daily basis than anyone would believe possible, just taking them to function. My entire life revolved around how many pills I had today and how many I could get for tomorrow. I simply didn’t have the willpower to quit cold turkey or taper- there are those that have that type of courage and strength and I applaud and admire them, but I am not among their number.

I confessed my addiction to my family doctor and he put me on suboxone November 18, 2019. I have taken it daily, faithfully, as prescribed since that date. I know there are folks that rightly condemn suboxone as “trading one addiction for another”, and I cannot argue that fact. What I will say is that suboxone has been a nothing short of miracle medicine for me.

The good: My life is incomparably better. My relationships, my work, my income, my community involvement. Everything. There are no cravings- none.

The bad: I’m not complaining because the good so far outweighs the inconvenience of monthly dr appointments and drug tests. I use a distant pharmacy so no one knows, other than my wife and doctor, about my prescription. It is expensive, but a fraction of what I was spending . When you start suboxone you are giving up every type of mood altering drug including alcohol.

I was ready for it, it was the right treatment at the right time for me. It may not be for everyone but I am convinced it saved my marriage, my job, whatever social status I had or have, and possibly (not to sound corny) my life.

If you are looking for a lifeline off narcotics and have tried everything, you might talk to your family doctor about suboxone.

Good luck and god bless anyone that is battling an addiction or in recovery .

 

[Blankenstein]

sorry to hear that your 2 month clock hasn't started counting down yet @Blankenstein - have you upgraded now? is there no other help available while you're waiting?

its awful when your family finds out but i'm kinda glad tbh. you are not safe and you need as many people fighting your corner as possible.

Turns out I can waive the 2 month waiting period for a once in a life mental health waiver. I got a call from a rehab saying they want to admit me tomorrow, but I’m flying to work for 2 weeks. I will go straight to rehab when I get back.

Pretty nervous. I got a lot of pills to take to work to soften the landing. My friends and family are very stoked.

 

[Blankenstein]

Turns out I can waive the 2 month waiting period for a once in a life mental health waiver. I got a call from a rehab saying they want to admit me tomorrow, but I’m flying to work for 2 weeks. I will go straight to rehab when I get back.

Pretty nervous. I got a lot of pills to take to work to soften the landing. My friends and family are very stoked.

Yeh I felt a little betrayed to be honest, but they did it because they are very concerned for my safety.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Turns out I can waive the 2 month waiting period for a once in a life mental health waiver. I got a call from a rehab saying they want to admit me tomorrow, but I’m flying to work for 2 weeks. I will go straight to rehab when I get back.

Pretty nervous. I got a lot of pills to take to work to soften the landing. My friends and family are very stoked.

yayyyyyyyyyy!!!! so pleased for you.

i'm glad you're working too. i stepped things up a notch in the run up to rehab. and i was already pretty ridiculous, so i coulda easily died. i'm hoping work will prevent that a bit for you.

it is fucking scary. but i really think that you've wanted this long enough, and are clear enough in your intentions, that you can make this work. it is hard work and will be difficult, but its worth it.

 

[Blankenstein]

yayyyyyyyyyy!!!! so pleased for you.

i'm glad you're working too. i stepped things up a notch in the run up to rehab. and i was already pretty ridiculous, so i coulda easily died. i'm hoping work will prevent that a bit for you.

it is fucking scary. but i really think that you've wanted this long enough, and are clear enough in your intentions, that you can make this work. it is hard work and will be difficult, but its worth it.

Thanks heaps you’ve been very supportive as have other people in this thread since I’ve been posting about my use for a year. Thank you all.

I told my boss today im going rehab. I didn’t go into to much details but he was very understanding and we just talked about how the most important person is your self. He even said he could book me a ticket to fly home straight away, but I said I’d do the 2 weeks.

But it’s like now it’s all happening im
A bit scared and was tempted to fly home and not tell my family and just stay in a hotel and use for a week before I go in.

I’m ambivalent about it. I’m torn. Some days I want sobriety really bad and get very depressed that I can’t stop and think about doing stupid things…

Other days I’m super motivated to go get the help I need.

I just had a really good talk with an old work friend I’ve kept in touch with. She always is great to talk to about this tuff and reall my supportive. She isn’t an addict, but has some quite bad mental health issues for a period and dealt with it head on and still has to do the right things so it doesn’t flare up.

I also feel a bit betrayed that my friends are talking about quite personal things about me to one another and it upsets me a bit, though I know they are doing it because they love me.

The fucked Up thing is my boss flys back to Perth tomorrow and is like “let’s go the pub tonight and have a bunch of drinks” and he was pressuring me to do it and it’s like what the fuxk man I just poured my heart out and told you I’m getting professional help for drug addiction and he wants to go out drinking. The culture in the mining industry is so alcohol centric and people don’t view beers as a problem. I guess he just doesn’t understand…

How are you going with everything? Have the cats settled in? How’s your drinking and eating issues going?