Recovery The Recovery Thread (2022)

[n3ophy7e]

Nice post @chinup You should be very proud of everything you achieved in 2021! And lots of good stuff to look forward to and work towards in 2022


For the first time in MANY many years I can say that I did pretty well on the recovery front.

The good:
- successfully detoxed from alcohol, again. For the millionth time but hopefully for the last time.
- moved in with my soul mate and started our new life together
- got a fantastic job at the local veterinary hospital, 5 minute drive from our house, perfect boss and colleagues
- became a Bluelight moderator again after a 5 year break from previously being admin (this volunteer position brings me a lot of satisfaction and purpose)
- got engaged to said soulmate!
- fell pregnant to said soulmate after just one go!
- lots and lots of love and support from my family, friends and workmates
- married my soulmate
- got through the year without any meltdowns

The bad:
- had a few lapses in early pregnancy
- my best friend is hopelessly addicted to IV heroin again and I don't know how to help him anymore, so I have had to distance myself from him, which breaks my heart
- have broken ties with another very close friend due to my marriage and pregnancy (we were partying besties for over a decade and I think me growing up has caused her to feel jealous and insecure. I have tried so many times to reach out to her but she continues to ignore me)
- having to give up my job at the vet hospital due to being pregnant
- my mother's early-onset dementia continues to gradually progress, and my grandmother (my mum's mum) is now so demented she doesn't know who most of us are anymore
- learning that my unborn son is measuring very small and my birth will be induced early. Mother's guilt has already set in and he hasn't even been born yet!! But he will be fine.

Hopes in 2022:
- a smooth transition for my son from my body to the outside world, and for him to gain weight and grow strong
- for me to remain aware of post-natal depression/anxiety and to seek professional help instead of self-medicating

Yeh not fairing too well thanks for asking. Used morphine and valium yesterday. Bought some heroin today. Didn’t use a syringe though, sniffed it, but too scared to take any Valium with it as I had benzos in my system on Christmas when i OD’d

Went to an NA meeting yesterday shared what happened.

Discussed with my friend who administered the 2 doses of nyxoid/narcan sprays to me. He had a shot of Meth prior to the heroin before i got to where we met up, That might be why he didn’t OD. So if he didn’t get out of rehab that week and relapse straight away we both might have died. Obviously it goes without saying our families and friends would be destroyed had we died.

I’m going to an NA meeting today. Then meeting up with a good friend for sunset and mangoes at the beach and a bit
Of a chat.

Good to hear an update from you man, but not so great to hear you're not doing well. My best friend is the same to be honest. He doesn't want to die and is being cautious (he's dropped a few times), but he can't let go of the gear. Yes, I hate to say it because I despise meth, but I daresay the meth saved your friend that day, which in turn saved YOU because he could give you the naloxone.
Meetings are a great way to vent to people who truly understand, but are you doing anything else to try and get clean?

 

[hylite]

I am wide awake right now i can say that !

I am going to go elevate flat on my back and no leg cramps on a pillow.

After I journey to the top shelf too. I NEED to get up.

Need to get brisk fresh air with some egg nog and a walk with Budie.



♡

 

[Jabberwocky]

well day 1 of dry january/life went by with no cravings but i can't be excited about not waking up hungover cos i have fucking covid.

i had a cold that wasn't covid all last week, then saw my sister over christmas, who has been super sensible, but tested positive. i've been feeling ill the past few days and just got the balls to do a lateral flow test.

kinda relieved that its probably omicron cos main symptom is very sore throat but still my chest is not good at all and breathing has been very laboured. i just really hope that the combination of being vaccinated, boosted last tuesday, and this being a less pathogenic variant bodes well cos i just can't lose another few years of my life to post viral symptoms. not when i've worked so hard to rebuild.

can't believe after we've all been so careful, we still got it. we both did tests before going to my parents. somehow my parents are both negative which is a relief cos they're both clinically vulnerable.

 

[Robi]

going to take care of some clients for the first time in 2 years, ive had assistants holding down the fort.have anxiety bad, but seems for me that things are never as bad as i project in my own head so im trying to no fixate, just been a long time since ve done hard work, wish me luck im going to need it

 

[Blankenstein]

Nice post @chinup You should be very proud of everything you achieved in 2021! And lots of good stuff to look forward to and work towards in 2022


For the first time in MANY many years I can say that I did pretty well on the recovery front.

The good:
- successfully detoxed from alcohol, again. For the millionth time but hopefully for the last time.
- moved in with my soul mate and started our new life together
- got a fantastic job at the local veterinary hospital, 5 minute drive from our house, perfect boss and colleagues
- became a Bluelight moderator again after a 5 year break from previously being admin (this volunteer position brings me a lot of satisfaction and purpose)
- got engaged to said soulmate!
- fell pregnant to said soulmate after just one go!
- lots and lots of love and support from my family, friends and workmates
- married my soulmate
- got through the year without any meltdowns

The bad:
- had a few lapses in early pregnancy
- my best friend is hopelessly addicted to IV heroin again and I don't know how to help him anymore, so I have had to distance myself from him, which breaks my heart
- have broken ties with another very close friend due to my marriage and pregnancy (we were partying besties for over a decade and I think me growing up has caused her to feel jealous and insecure. I have tried so many times to reach out to her but she continues to ignore me)
- having to give up my job at the vet hospital due to being pregnant
- my mother's early-onset dementia continues to gradually progress, and my grandmother (my mum's mum) is now so demented she doesn't know who most of us are anymore
- learning that my unborn son is measuring very small and my birth will be induced early. Mother's guilt has already set in and he hasn't even been born yet!! But he will be fine.

Hopes in 2022:
- a smooth transition for my son from my body to the outside world, and for him to gain weight and grow strong
- for me to remain aware of post-natal depression/anxiety and to seek professional help instead of self-medicating



Good to hear an update from you man, but not so great to hear you're not doing well. My best friend is the same to be honest. He doesn't want to die and is being cautious (he's dropped a few times), but he can't let go of the gear. Yes, I hate to say it because I despise meth, but I daresay the meth saved your friend that day, which in turn saved YOU because he could give you the naloxone.
Meetings are a great way to vent to people who truly understand, but are you doing anything else to try and get clean?

Sorry don’t feel like giving much of an update as the rest of you have. Feel like shit.

I shared with my friend/old housemate who I m met up with last night and and old workmcolleague/friend. Both friends want to be there for me and I think the world of both of them
So it makes
Me feel better knowing these gems of people care about me.

I’ll update a bit more in a couple of days when I feel up to it.

Glad there are positives in all your updates. Take care.

 

[Blankenstein]

Ok so I’ll try and do a little bit more of a run down of 2021… without rambling too much….

I guess I got a new job that pays reasonably well but works 2 weeks away and 1 week home.

I thought this would lead to surfing, diving, trying to meet someone to start a relationship, figuring out what i want to do in 2022. It more just led to a out of control spiral using a lot more drugs and isolating while using. Crossing lines and ticking off a few more of the “yets” (to throw in a bit of 12 step jargon). Lines i said I wouldn’t cross, crashing car under influence of drugs (from night before), IV’ing heroin and overdosing being brought back to life by a. Friend narcanning me twice. Being broke pretty much though I make decent money. Then when I at work there’s a big drinking culture and I take various pills with me. Though I spose since i went really down hill i I got the courage to tell my family and friends I’m going to go rehab.

Mental health deteriorated significantly.

I had closure with my dad who ended up having to live in a nursing home. The end of this life chapter for him (of no more independence) gave me the courage to start facing up with trying to get rehab and focus on self improvement and battling my demons sort of (still in the process). I dare say another chapter with him will close this year probably. Don’t know how long he has left.

So I can look at these negatives (pretty sure i missed a few) as negatives or i can look at them as positives because it’s making me force myself To get professional help I need and look inside to try repair the trauma that causes me to do what i do and why.

I’ve opened up to a few people i don’t speak to very frequently, but they are amazing people and it makes me realise maybe I’m not a terrible person if my boss who I seriously respect thinks I’m a great person and employee, reneé thinks I’m a super special person and wants to be there for me to lean on. my old housemate
/old colleague/friend Sarah Who I can’t talk highly enough (same with renee) i reconnected with her at the start of 2021 and she has been amazing. Some of these people I hadn’t spoken to in some
Time as I always feel like I’m burdening people but I was very close to them at various points and none use drugs. I also told my 3 closest friends and another 2 who found out and reached out to offer support. Makes me realise I need to take the time to be present for friends and try reconnect with people I’ve lost touch with jt. And my low self esteem makes me think nobody cares, which is the opposite and I have to keep telling my self that.

So the positive im taking out of this is I have a great support network of friends, NA/AA, blue light friends, psychologist, rehab people when I get in, family (Even if they don’t understand addiction)

i need to utilise these people, but i also want to be there for my friends and anybody that needs help and if I’m in a position to help (NA/AA, here) and not just use them to complain to.

They all have their own struggles and I want to be there to reciprocate the compassion/love/advice I am being offered.

Using this forum more all of you have been of serious help. I got a really nice PM from @iTry91 and getting messages from people from blue light really makes a huge difference. The people you send those messages too could be having an absolutely horrendous day and that simple message can mean the absolute world.

And one more little thing… I suspect i have been using more/tolerance and frequency of benzos than I thought i had been as I seem to be getting withdrawals (not major). Maybe something to do with using Valium as my preferred benzo and it’s long Halflife. Don’t want to switch to Xanax as it’s more than likely not xanax. Maybe clonazepam or temazepam.

Though hopefully ill be off all this shortly

Thanks for listening, full disclosure I have had morphine and Valium so am probably a bit all over the place.

I’ll be working Wednesday and Thursday helping my friend while she has some well deserved time off. One of those things where she has helped me with my bullshit so while i can I help her I want to.

Then back to work full time in the bush from Monday, just need to see how rehab can be done around that. But this OD has put work/everything in perspective. What’s the point of a job if I’m dead?

 

[Sksjdjeisnfkeishz]

I can

Happy new year all and good luck to those working on their recovery

Old thread here

For me personally 2021 was a mixed bag.

The good:
- Climbed 2 mountains (never again!! love hiking, less interested in 4am wake ups to nearly kill yourself on a mountain)
- Ran 20k
- Bought a sweet house with my boyf and settled in well
- Cats did not kill each other and continue to bring me endless joy and amusement
- Lost nearly 2 stone, putting me back in the healthy weight range
- Continued making my amends to my family and boyf
- Did not seriously crave crack or heroin at all
- Work is going well and I got a nice pay rise
- EDITED COS I MISSED A SUPER AMAZING ONE- neither me nor my sister has either of the gene variants that have caused so much grief in our family. this is like flipping a coin 4 times and getting heads each time, where tails is incredibly invasive, horrendous medical interventions that will impact your entire life

The bad:
- Failed to quit drinking, and its escalated to the point where it is massively impacting my quality of life
- Relapsed into an eating disorder and developed behaviours I'd never had before, was always restrictive so purging was never a big part of it
- Went to zero gigs
- Ongoing investigations about health concerns that I'm pretty certain are related to smoking at least an 8th of crack a day for a long period, and having respratory depression continuously for 6 years due to heroin
- Older cat, 13 nearly 14, is starting to show signs of ageing
- Got fucked over by collaborators at work

Hopes for 2022:
- Stop drinking properly
- Stop purging
- Daily meditation
- Conceive a child

Hey chinup, i am rooting from you for a great year. I used to struggle with drinking alcohol too. I started drinking at 13. I would drink in the morning, afternoon, and night. I have also done heroin. Have you considered going to a meeting for drug use?

I attend smart recovery meetings online. They ARENT based on higher power and all that willy nilly. They are based on mental health and addiction. You dont have to talk un the meeting you can just watch if thats what you want. They helped me. This message isnt just for you its for everyone struggling.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hey chinup, i am rooting from you for a great year. I used to struggle with drinking alcohol too. I started drinking at 13. I would drink in the morning, afternoon, and night. I have also done heroin. Have you considered going to a meeting for drug use?

I attend smart recovery meetings online. They ARENT based on higher power and all that willy nilly. They are based on mental health and addiction. You dont have to talk un the meeting you can just watch if thats what you want. They helped me. This message isnt just for you its for everyone struggling.

thanks for your post. how are you doing? hope you've managed to kick heroin it took me a long time and only got off it properly in rehab.

i've been doing meetings on and off for a long time, heard good things about SMART but NA works fine for me. i even worked out a higher power that isn't a god in the end.

nearly better i think, hopefully back in work tomorrow. i have to say sitting around playing video games and watching films all day hasn't been as boring as i thought, just wish i hadn't felt like death.

not drank so far. really surprised. had a few cravings days 2 and 3 but now it sort of feels normal to not be drinking. i'm sure once i get back into the routine of work and the natural break in the day at which i'd start drinking it'll get harder, but i'm encouraged by how well its gone so far

 

[Sksjdjeisnfkeishz]

thanks for your post. how are you doing? hope you've managed to kick heroin it took me a long time and only got off it properly in rehab.

i've been doing meetings on and off for a long time, heard good things about SMART but NA works fine for me. i even worked out a higher power that isn't a god in the end.

nearly better i think, hopefully back in work tomorrow. i have to say sitting around playing video games and watching films all day hasn't been as boring as i thought, just wish i hadn't felt like death.

not drank so far. really surprised. had a few cravings days 2 and 3 but now it sort of feels normal to not be drinking. i'm sure once i get back into the routine of work and the natural break in the day at which i'd start drinking it'll get harder, but i'm encouraged by how well its gone so far

Hey thanks for the reply and im doing good but i could be doing better. Ive been having cravings lately. I want to go back to smoking cigarettes and doing any drug i can find. I want to do meth really bad right now. I cant explain how i feel its just this huge urge inside of me. I want to do meth because ive never done it before, i think it makes you look cool, and itll provide me an escape.

As for the heroin i always wanted to try it before i did it because of health issues and because my mom was on it. It was hard getting off it but being in a placement and having a warrant for my arrest helped me. I wasnt on it for long and im glad i got the help i needed before it got worse.

But what i hate so much is that i was in placements for a year and a few months and so i gained a lot of weight because of it. Some people at work didnt recognize me because of the weight gain.

Sometimes especially right now i get the urge to contact my dealer. They can also get me other stuff too besides if i wanted. They used to scam me and id still come back to them because i was desperate. I got the money too but theres something stopping me (thank god).

I could use any advice and encouragement about staying clean. Ive been clean for so long and im not like most people. I cant do drugs and control myself. My mental health gets out of control when i use and i get addicted easily.

 

[birdup]

Averaging 2 days off weed per week for eight weeks running.

This is my 6th consecutive day off alcohol.

I am much clearer now. I am more accessible for my daughter. Work is much easier. I feel healthier... and, I've already saved maybe $200/$300.

I estimate I spend around 7k on alcohol per year and I don't even like it very much. Weed costs about $7 a gram. One gram will fuck me up for a whole day. I'm tired of spending money on alcohol. It's such a waste, when I could be saving it up for my daughter's future or putting it into my mortgage offset account.

I'm feeling good. I'm in a good place. The less drugs and alcohol I consume, the better I am. I'm going to keep reducing weed until I'm down to one or two days a week. I actually want to do it this time. Feeling very positive about the whole thing.

 

[Jabberwocky]

nice one @birdup you're killing it!! i am on my 6th day of no booze too and now my health is starting to recover from covid i'm appreciating sobriety more. i really don't understand why a nght of not drinking felt so impossible like a week ago. wtf? the money is starting to add up for us too already probably saved £80.

@Sksjdjeisnfkeishz sounds like you're making the best of a hard situation. i had a kinda forced recovery too, not by legal stuff but by my parents (and i was 32 at the time lol). now you're out of the legal stuff its a testament that you have managed to continue your recovery. i hope you managed to resist temptation.

it sounds like you could benefit by reframing drugs. meth would be less attractive to you if you viewed it as something that can ruin your life and health, doesn't even feel that great anyway, gives a bad comedown, etc, etc instead of thinking of it as cool and providing an escape. the escape offered by drugs is a prison. you know that really.

 

[Blankenstein]

Worked in the city the last couple of days to help out a friend who’s taking a well deserved holiday. She has been there for me lately so I wanted to be able to help her out.

I got back to work on Tuesday for 2 weeks. Im concerned I might go through some withdrawals. Been using a lot of benzos and opiates since mid December. Some long acting opiates like methadone and bupe so a little concerned they stick around in my system and then using morphine, tapentadol, tramadol, oxy and little bit of heroin on top means I might be in for a little wake up call.

Also constantly using Valium with its long half life and tolerance increasing so yeh see how I go with all that.



Felt good to get out and work the last 2 days though instead of lying around and fighting the urge to go pick up.

 

[Jabberwocky]

well done @Blankenstein for getting out of your flat and helping someone out. getting 'out of self' is cliched in the recovery community but its also completely true that its incredibly mentally beneficial. any progress on sorting out rehab? have you worked out how to keep yourself safe until then?

as i just posted in the alcohol thread, i'm now 7 days into not drinking. feel good about that. but my ED part of my brain is fucking with me big time. somehow i have gained 2 lbs since the start of the month, i've had a low appetite due to being ill and no alcohol calories, so i feel very panicky about that. it is making me want to restrict heavily but i'll never get pregnant if i do that.

argh fuck i also need to do my tax return and just cba.

 

[Shady's Fox]

fast forward my staphilococ now has some white type like roots thing goin on, it doesn't affect me but these rashes to also get to that area seems weird, weirdly enough though is almost gone most likely as i've read the disease is kinda like a bed bug, comes and go in minor ranges now hopefully Augmentin helpt me and again, even if you eat healthy as I do, to like take breaks from fried pieces all way to you know, eating a simple greek yogurt, you can you know but that doesn't mean you don't need to take care of your body, more than that love it!

 

[Blankenstein]

well done @Blankenstein for getting out of your flat and helping someone out. getting 'out of self' is cliched in the recovery community but its also completely true that its incredibly mentally beneficial. any progress on sorting out rehab? have you worked out how to keep yourself safe until then?

as i just posted in the alcohol thread, i'm now 7 days into not drinking. feel good about that. but my ED part of my brain is fucking with me big time. somehow i have gained 2 lbs since the start of the month, i've had a low appetite due to being ill and no alcohol calories, so i feel very panicky about that. it is making me want to restrict heavily but i'll never get pregnant if i do that.

argh fuck i also need to do my tax return and just cba.

Haha I feel you on the tax return. I also need to do mine… im always doing it late.

Man you seem to have been constantly yoyo-ing between alcohol struggles and eating disorder struggles the last year. 7 days off alcohol is fantastic though!

I don’t have anything inciteful to offer about the eating disorder issue, other than I feel for you and hope you get them both sorted. What’s your next move to try get them both undercontrol at the same time?

It’s interesting actually, my friend who i helped out by doing the work for this week actually shared with me about her struggle with eating an disorder (You are right btw about getting out and helping people, forcing myself to do it actually helped me).

But yeh When I met up with her and told her about me nearly dying, we had a long talk. One thing she was saying was that while she doesn’t have any personal experience with addiction (apart from knowing a couple of people who have struggled) so she couldn’t offer any personal incite. Though she has suffered from an eating disorder (mostly when she was younger, but things still do trigger it) so she can draw parallels between substance addiction and behavioural addictions/problems/disorders.

While i was talking to her i was kind of saying i don’t want to be the friend who people only hear from when I’m struggling. I want to be there for my friends when they need help. So yeh I was asking her how she’s been going and she has been struggling with family things, housing issues and a few other things. So while it sucked to hear she’s been having a hard time it was good to be there and reciprocate the support she’s offered me by listening and trying to offer advice. this is then what led into me offering to help cover some of her staffing shortfalls with her gardening business. So she was then able to go away for a few days for a trip she had planned, but was looking like it wasn’t going to be possible anymore.

In regards to how I’ve been going with my use and sorting rehab… I haven’t really made much of an effort about sorting rehab. Today’s the last day before I head off to work for 2 weeks so I need to make a few phone calls. When I made some phone calls about rehab recently I had been taking Valium the nights before so I’ve forgotten most of what I was told…

My drug use I’ve probably cut back on the benzos a little, which is something I really really want to do. Though it’s not because I had the will power to, it’s more because I’ve been using heroin a bit more and I’m paranoid about over dosing on heroin if I mix with benzos. This is pretty fucking stupid though because I’m more than happy to throw hundreds of mg’s of crushed up morphine tablets down my throat along with a bunch of Valium and plenty of tramadol.

I’m also terrible at injecting so a couple of nights i jabbed my hands/arms for a while until I registered and then injected, but last night/this night (it’s now 7am) i couldn’t even register so just snorted what I had.

I find the fit pack/syringes that are used here for IV drug use to be very difficult to use. The plungers aren’t smooth to pull back. When you’re in a vein it’s so hard to pull the plunger out to register without slipping out of the vein.

I guess it’s one of those things i hope i don’t get good at doing.

Sorry that was a really rambly response.

I guess the answer to your question is I haven’t made much progress in regards to rehab and I’m using more heroin, but suck at IV-ing, which is probably a good thing As im snorting if I can’t register.

And I’ve got a couple of people who are like come round and use with us, but I just want to use by my self so I can watch my tv shows on my couch with my dog and zone out… which using by my self is not only more dangerous i guess it kind shows that I’m kind of depressed.

Oh Alain I’ve been going to a bit of AA/NA and getting a few phone numbers

Sorry for the super long response…

 

[hylite]

Horrible all week. Work schedule had allot to do with the sickness too.
Nauseous and Nodding all week long. Not even funny or a joke.
Imma fightin the good fight.
But just not enough either. ♡

 

[Blankenstein]

Horrible all week. Work schedule had allot to do with the sickness too.
Nauseous and Nodding all week long. Not even funny or a joke.
Imma fightin the good fight.
But just not enough either. ♡

Keep fightin the good up!

Can you afford to take a bit of time off work? Would having a bit of time help?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Man you seem to have been constantly yoyo-ing between alcohol struggles and eating disorder struggles the last year. 7 days off alcohol is fantastic though!

yeah its really fucking annoying. i never should have stepped on a scale last christmas. i really genuinely believed it wouldn't end up like this. your friend is right that there are parallels between addiction and eating disorders. to me they are both escapism, its all just fucked coping mechanisms, both food, or the denial of it, and drugs change how you feel.

now on day 10 of no booze and still going strong. kinda amazed i made it through the weekend.

I’m also terrible at injecting so a couple of nights i jabbed my hands/arms for a while until I registered and then injected, but last night/this night (it’s now 7am) i couldn’t even register so just snorted what I had.

i was fucking terrible at it too, and it meant i messed up my easy veins super quick (cos i also didn't rotate sites cos i'm a lazy idiot), not helped cos we need to use acid to dissolve our heroin and i did a lot of speedballs too. i think its for the best you're not good at it.

this will sound v hypocritical. but do not let heroin addicts into your flat. they will rob you. if not straight away, then eventually. i dunno if the people you're using with are. or they'll expect free drugs. or something.

i found it very odd, all the etiquette of using in someone elses place- like giving them a free pipe of crack and shit- apparently did not apply when people used at mine, and i always ended up finding it hard to get rid of people and having them annoy me into giving them drugs. i ended up just using on my own not cos i wanted to but cos i was fed up of addicts. the only person who was sound was the girl i bought large weights of crack from. but i was in her flat so could leave whenever, and we both had our own drugs. in fact it was usually her giving me free pipes.

did you call the rehab? you really need to. and you need to speak to people you trust about how to keep yourself safe when you get back from work.

started my tax return this evening!! and then got stuck straight away cos i needed info that's in my online banking which i don't have access to, but my dad does. being so irresponsible with money that i can't have my own bank account has its upsides at times lol, he has to take care of a lot of boring crap for me. i should have more self respect and respect for him and do this shit myself but its so difficult to motivate myself.

 

[Blankenstein]

yeah its really fucking annoying. i never should have stepped on a scale last christmas. i really genuinely believed it wouldn't end up like this. your friend is right that there are parallels between addiction and eating disorders. to me they are both escapism, its all just fucked coping mechanisms, both food, or the denial of it, and drugs change how you feel.

now on day 10 of no booze and still going strong. kinda amazed i made it through the weekend.


i was fucking terrible at it too, and it meant i messed up my easy veins super quick (cos i also didn't rotate sites cos i'm a lazy idiot), not helped cos we need to use acid to dissolve our heroin and i did a lot of speedballs too. i think its for the best you're not good at it.

this will sound v hypocritical. but do not let heroin addicts into your flat. they will rob you. if not straight away, then eventually. i dunno if the people you're using with are. or they'll expect free drugs. or something.

i found it very odd, all the etiquette of using in someone elses place- like giving them a free pipe of crack and shit- apparently did not apply when people used at mine, and i always ended up finding it hard to get rid of people and having them annoy me into giving them drugs. i ended up just using on my own not cos i wanted to but cos i was fed up of addicts. the only person who was sound was the girl i bought large weights of crack from. but i was in her flat so could leave whenever, and we both had our own drugs. in fact it was usually her giving me free pipes.

did you call the rehab? you really need to. and you need to speak to people you trust about how to keep yourself safe when you get back from work.

started my tax return this evening!! and then got stuck straight away cos i needed info that's in my online banking which i don't have access to, but my dad does. being so irresponsible with money that i can't have my own bank account has its upsides at times lol, he has to take care of a lot of boring crap for me. i should have more self respect and respect for him and do this shit myself but its so difficult to motivate myself.

The mate I used with has been my friend for over 15 years. He won’t ever do me harm.

I’m back at work for a few days now. The first day/night I got into the town I work I had a bunch of valium and tramadol. That was Tuesday now it’s midday Friday and I feel terrible. Not sure if I’m just sick or if the 2 or 3 weeks I had off over Christmas where I used pretty much every day have fucked me. I feel so bad I left work early i am just trying to sleep. It doesn’t help it’s over 40 degrees Celsius here.

I dont think I called the rehab again. I can’t remember half of the stuff I do because of benzos it’s sucks. I’m contemplating just saying fuck it and flying home tomorrow and quitting. I’m so fucking niserable.

Just found 4 empty bags in my wallet I sniffed then licked clean. Hopefully that makes me feel better.

 

[Blankenstein]

There is an AA meeting in this town tonight. Sometimes it’s only one older lady who has never used a drug other than alcohol. So it’s hard to relate to people that don’t use other substances. It’s one of those meetings where the 2 or 3 core members tell the same story every meeting.

Sometimes there’s a couple of other people there.

If I feel ok i will go. It always helps just going and talking. Feeling pretty alone and sick at the moment.

The morning after i woke up after I took all my tramadol and Valium I felt super good and motivated about being sober for 2 weeks while at work so I took some Antabuse so I can’t even go to the bottle shop and drink to see if that will help me.