So I had to fire a support worker who was annoying me and triggering me badly this week, which means now I have to go without support on that day while I wait to hear back from the agency I get my LGBT workers from (2 out of the 5) about whether they have the capacity to do another shift with me.
What happened? So there were a couple of things. Firstly, I was assured that this woman was LGBT friendly but in an early shift with me she used the term gay in a derogatory way. I let it go at the time, but I was not thrilled about that. But then she says things like her son can wear rainbow shoes if he wants to express himself so I'm like are you bigoted or not? Which is it?
The first shift I had with her she commented on my hands shaking. I have an essential tremor and I told her this, and took my propranolol in front of her. She goes 'they're really shakey, when was the last time you used'?'
I answered honestly, because I always tell the truth with my support workers and friends if they ask me (and counsellors etc) but then she *kept* asking that same question week after week. Eventually this culminated in her asking me last Monday, and I responded (as I had done so for weeks at this stage) saying 'ive told you, my hands always shake. I have a tremor' then I added it had been a month since I last used. That night I texted my support coordinator (the woman who sort of manages my providers for me) and asked her to tell the worker to stop saying that and stop commenting on my tremor. It's got nothing to do with her ability to support me and if she wants to know when the last time I used was she can just ask and not beat around the bush and try and be subtle or use a 'gotcha' tactic like she caught me out. It makes me feel deceptive about my use when I'm the exact opposite which I'm proud of. It also makes me feel like she isn't listening to me (a big big big early trauma trigger) or thinks I'm lying about the tremor (being accused of lying is also a very big trauma trigger for me). She said she would talk to her.
Cut to this Monday. She gets to my place. Within 10 minutes out it comes - 'your hands are shaky today' 'yes as I have told you many times they always are' 'hmm well I think it's worse today than usual'
Okay sorry? Firstly, condescending. You think I'm not aware of how much my hands are shaking and I need you to point it out to me? Secondly, none of your fucking business. Thirdly, guess I'll go fire my GP of 8 years now that you're fixated on a fucking benign tremor. He's managed my complex medical needs spectacularly well but he missed this and you've picked up on it, you are so amazing. Fourth, why the hell are you so fixated on this? Lastly, you did exactly what you were told not to do which was ask about my drug use and my tremor. Because before she made the comment on my tremor, she asked if the meth I ordered off the dark net arrived and I said no. I didn't tell her I used the previous week though because she didn't ask and I only tell support workers if it affects their shift with me (ie if I'm still high and they'll only be able to get me into the shower, eating some yoghurt, and drinking some Gatorade during a four hour shift with plenty of reminders for those things) because they need to know so they know how to approach the session. The one time I did use the night before her shift I told her before she walked in the door so I have no idea why she feels the need to pry.
Anyway, it triggered me so badly I went silent for the whole rest of the shift and wanted her to leave when we got back from the shops but couldn't figure out how to ask her to. We went to a cafe where I got a whole hot chocolate spilled on my lap and shirt by the waitress but I was so dissociated that I didn't respond at all. When we got home I stood in the shower (not under the water) for a full ,20 min when normally I'm in and out in 5 due to hating showers then spent 10 min getting changed and asked her to leave 5 min early because I wanted to avoid being around her or talking to her. Everything she was saying was annoying me.
That night I was so triggered I used, and for once in 6 months since I relapsed I used money I didn't have to spare on meth (grocery money) and then had to cancel my meal prep shift with another support worker the next day, and my PT session. Not great. Even seeing my GP Monday evening didn't help.
On Tuesday afternoon I messaged my support coordinator again to tell her that the worker had done it again and it had trwlly triggered me. She told me that the worker had messaged her wondering if she had done something because of how I was acting. I said the answer was yes. At that stage I said I was willing to give her one last shot because I did like her at one stage but after speaking with some friends including
@arrall and
@mal3volent it became pretty clear that I'd be better off cancelling all the remaining shifts with her. So I called my recovery coach (sorts like a peer mentor lived experience type persons, she used to use meth too) and told her everything including that I used which I hadn't told the support coordinator and my RC was furious because she also has an essential tremor and it someone had done what the worker did to me like a dozen times she would have punched her in the face already lol. So she called my SC the next day and explained that no more shifts would be needed.
I mean this worker also never once did my dishes nor offered to do them once even though that's literally the first thing on the to do list for support workers after personal care reminders. I can't do my dishes myself. All my other workers come inside and it's literally the first thing they do while they run through all the personal care stuff. She just stands there uselessly waiting for me to tell her what to do and I always forget to tell her to do the dishes because my brain is like a wet sponge.
Plus, when she helped me move she came to my new place after moving stuff for 2 hours (not even heavy stuff, my other worker and my close friend moved all that stuff on the Friday) and goes 'ive moved everything I can reach across' because I'd been in my new place unpacking boxes and giving her new boxes to fill up and I was like 'okay well let's grab some food then' and I trusted her. The next day I go to my old place next door to empty out the top of the built in robes and move across the Lego and what am I greeted with? At least 4 loads of stuff to carry over to my new place which she readily could have reached including my vacuum cleaner, a bunch of stuff in the bathroom and kitchen , and a whole container of clothes in the bottom of my open wardrobe. Because she just got tired of moving stuff the day before I hadn't planned to need to do those extra trips and I handed the keys in a day late which resulted in being charged an extra days rent.
She was also on her phone A LOT during her shifts with me and talked about her family heaps which I didn't really want to hear that much about. It's not that I find it disinteresting, I'm happy to hear about my other workers families and partners to an extent, but they're supposed to be supporting me, not the other way around. And I do this job myself. When you're with a client (most of the time) then your phone goes in your pocket and stays in your pocket.
Anyway that is my huge rant. It really caused me a lot of problems and I'm glad she is gone but I know she isn't really going to understand why and tbh she used to badmouth previous clients she stopped working with so I don't doubt I'll be added to this list.
