Treatment The mental health system is completely failing me

[TheUltimateFixx]

A SHITTON has changed actually since the rules of 2017 were revised.

Ah. I was out of the country long before then.

most doctors here in Germany ask the patient if he needs more.

I'd actually consider this a trifle irresponsible. Like genuinely NEEDS more to be physically comfortable, or simply WANTS more in order to catch a high -?
And yeah call me old-fashioned but I actually agreed with that principle. It's not a doctor's job to facilitate me getting the jollies ffs. It's their job to minimize my physical discomfort.

... Ironically I ended up being put on a very high dosage of methadone, larger than I required to keep out of withdrawal, just so taking heroin on top of my methadone couldn't get me 'high'. And that's the other equally idiotic point of balance on the metaphorical scale. Like legit 'medicine' is only supposed to alleviate pain, heavens forbid if it should also afford you pleasure.

I nearly killed myself a few times as a consequence trying to break through the methadone 'block' with more heroin.

This whole "here is your methadone, now fuck off" era is long gone. Even if the doctor's personal addiction philosophy is contrary to that progressive attitude, the rules have changed in 2017 and they have to comply.

It is my personal belief that substitutes like methadone etc ought ONLY to be given as they were originally intended, ie to manage withdrawal distress while going through detox, and/or to give someone space to re-adjust their personal lives without having to worry about chasing your substance all day just to keep well. The aim should ALWAYS be to go off them after they've served their purpose.

On the other hand, pharmaceutical grade diamorphine ought to be given to users with no intention to quit, so they can be physically safe AND live a productive life despite their dependence. Dependence to the drug ought to be chosen, not prescribed.

PS no need to translate German text into English for me (though thanks for taking the trouble). Ich bin selbst Deutscher.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

so if 80mg methadone is actually enough to kill off wd, you can always pretend that it's not enough (oh god, doctor I always wake up in the morning already in slight wd, just look at my rls, I'm also having anxiety. It's sooo terrible ) and he'll then increase the dose to 90mg and you get high.

YEEAAHH you see this is where I draw the line.

That's just straight-up manipulation. Nobody should be lying to their doctor.

Oh sure, doing so might get YOU dosed up to the eyeballs. But then what happens next -?

Doctors will be increasingly reluctant to prescribe legitimately necessary opiate pain medication to patients in need, because now they're suspecting anyone asking for these medications to just be some junkie looking for a high.

I don't wanna be fucking part of that.
I don't wanna be put in a position where my existence can be used to deny suffering individuals what they need, because THEY will be perceived as 'drug-seeking '.

And it's doing NONE of us any favours. Neither the patients who are having their access to desperately required pain meds restricted through being thrown together with addicts; nor the addicts themselves who only come across as leeching medical provisions off 'deserving' people just to get high. I'd rather not contribute to that stereotype.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

I completely oversaw this post of yours. It's CRAZY how much we have in common! Not all of it applies to me, but most of it does. I love reading textbooks actually. I love educating myself and intellectually growing (I have a huuuge library at home. A room just for my books that I have collected over the years since I can read), but it has been ages since I mustered up the energy and motivation to pick up one of my many books. They're just collecting dust by now which is a shame. There is so much stuff I wanna do but I just can't get myself to do it. I'm just wasting time all day. Wake up, go to the clinic and swallow my morph pills, come home, I wanna read something or continue producing electronic music in FL Studio but somehow end up playing World of Warcraft all day long...oh it's 2am. Gotta catch a few hours of sleep (I'm chronically tired because of this). Now rinse and repeat. This has been going on for far too long and I feel like I'm wasting so much potential that I have.



Don't you get a take home script after you show up for like half a year or so? At least that's how it works over here. See that's the cool thing here. I can choose my substitute. I came in the first day all jittery and nervous and my doc was like: "all right Hexenstahl, so we got boring Subs, good ol' Morphine, nasty side effect Methadone, nice-and-clean Levomethadone, and in case all of these medications suck for you, I can put you in the sweet diamorphine program (pharma heroin in the form of an injectable solution) where you can FUCKING slam dat shit my dear biatch. So, what shall we do?". Ofc he didn't phrase it that way lol, but that was essentially his message. He knew I was scared and immediately put me at ease. Where I am, the patient decides what he gets, and every day I show up my doc (who is a wonderful person and looks like Sigmund Freud btw) asks me if my dose was enough to make me FEEL GOOD because he is insightful enough to realize that we addicts need to be satiated opioid wise in order to not relapse. He is totally okay that I like to not just keep wd at bay, but also feel a buzz. It's the openness and honesty, the acceptance and tolerance that I love so much about the medical system here. I can sleep well at night, knowing that my doctor got my back and doesn't try to screw me over.

You know, I always loved visiting my aunt in the US. I like the people, the country and many other things (the awesome burgers at Wendy's lol) but what always scared me from immigrating into the US was how inhumanely the system treats addicts and how profit is put before everything and everyone else. Sure, our system is profit driven too, but there is a limit, a line that you cannot cross. You get charged for the most ridiculous shit in the US when going to the hospital or visiting a doctor. The US is in some aspects like a third world country...in some cases I think even worse. I have heard from someone that opioid addicts in Iran get treated better in methadone clinics than in the US. Pain medicine has become so overregulated, that most people who actually need opioids for their chronic pain don't even get it. I recently heard of a case where someone had to go to a methadone clinic in order to get opioids for his PAIN because his doctor refused to prescribe him oxy or morphine, or even something like Codein or Tramadol, just to see if it helps just enough with his pain so he can actually live life. That totally shocked me! It is infuriating! I don't even know what to say! These kind of things always scared me from seeking a job in america and finally move over to you guys. It's only a country for the rich. Always wanted to buy a home somewhere in California (I have fond memories of Santa Barbara where I was a couple of times as a kid).
I don't know who said it but the saying goes like this: "it's called the american dream because you gotta be asleep to believe it". Lol, truer words haven't been spoken.
I really hope things eventually change there in my lifetime. Would really love to see all the pressure being taken away from you guys. Who knows, maybe we'll eventually meet up together and celebrate that event (I'll make sure to bring our legendary german beer with me ). I like to remain hopeful, even though I have a pessimistic nature.

It's actually crazy you mention that! lol I too spend a lot of time in FL studio making electronic music or noise/power electronics. Music has always been one of my "other" addictions. lol But it can take A LOT of time & commitment putting beats & melodies & such together, one green square at a time (I'm sure you now what I mean lol). I use to be able to make like 5 albums/demos a month, now I'm lucky if I can get a full length put together in 6 months. I'm just so unmotivated all the time & even everything I use to love & enjoy seems like a struggle to get into. I didn't have these problems as bad when I was on tramadol & heroin. Actually tramadol & heroin made me get into those activities a lot easier.

I doubt my laptop could handle any games though unfortunately. lol

Yeah they do give you take homes like after a year or so at the methadone clinics. But it'd still be a pain in the ass going there every day for a year. lol
I'm also not sure if methadone clinics are covered by insurance (they might be though) cause they're like their own separate clinic from everything else (usually). I've never run into a Suboxone doctor here who was also able to prescribe methadone. So it's either one or the other unfortunately. And it's much easier to go home with a script for buprenorphine at your first doctor visit. I've also heard people on methadone are even LESS likely to be given benzos or stimulants, than people on Suboxone. So I guess I'm at least lucky enough to have a benzo.

Wow. I had no idea Germany was that cool with opioid maintenance! I didn't know they had diamorphine treatment either!!! Wow!! Omg., I would love to come there! Most of my favorite black metal bands are from Germany. And I've always had a big fascination with German culture & heritage. I'm part-German because my grandfather & his parents actually immigrated here from Germany. But since I'm an American, I'm technically a mutt. lol My bf (or ex rather, that I live with) comes from a German colony. It's a hutterite colony. They're weird though cause they're like a religious colony, almost like the Amish, but German. They speak a weird type of German too called "Hutterite German" or something like that. Cause I use to ask him all the time to tell me what some of my music/titles in German were but they speak it a little different, so he wasn't always able to translate for me.

It's actually ironic that you say that about the US being like a 3rd world country. I've been going around the past week or so saying the exact same thing. lol Cause some one I know said there's a norco/hydrocodone shortage & they couldn't fill their script anywhere. And there's been an adderall shortage recently in the US. And I thought to myself "how the fuck can they not keep up with medication production in a supposed 1st world country"... Unless it's being done on purpose cause of course there's no "blood pressure pill shortage" or anything. And it's ironic that in some actual third world countries, you can get opioids & benzos over the counter. So America really needs to get with the times.

I think there's one place here in the US where drugs are basically legal & sold & that's Portland, Oregon. It's still illegal federally. But from what I've heard you can buy meth, heroin, whatever in neat little packages over there. I'm really far from Portland though or I'd be taking a trip there right now. lol I'm more in the western midwest & Portland is all the way on the west coast area.

But you're right about the class struggle here.
I grew up as the last of 7 kids, I went to school in a trailer in elementary school lol & then had a rough time as a teenager as well. And most people that grow up the way I did, having mental health issues, don't really make it very far in this country. Unless you suddenly develop an amazing skill that's needed in a profitable industry, go back to school (which also doesn't always mean you'll come out with work) or unless you get lucky or marry some one rich. lol

There are definitely people here who choose to get on methadone maintenance since they can't get opioids from real doctors. It's absurd & asinine that they need to do this. I have several family members dealing with similar issues as me & they can't get anything for pain. Some of the doctor's here's favorite new "pain med" is the SNRI antidepressant effexor, which sucks ass & should never be used strictly for pain. It's no wonder we have a fentanyl epidemic & homelessness epidemic. People can't get the help they need & they end up in the street addicted to street drugs.

In a way, I sort of got on Suboxone for pain relief as well. I mean I had been addicted/dependent on tramadol, heroin & even suboxone intself before I got on it officially. A part of me knew that I'd never function normally or kick my alcohol habit or anythiing if I didn't have some kind of opioid to use every day. And I knew I'd never get anything for pain at the time, so I said fuck it & got on suboxone maintenance. At the time my tolerance was pretty low cause even though I was using tramadol or heroin, there were always those few weeks in between using where I couldn't find anything & my tolerance would go back to zero. And at during those times, Suboxone actually had the power to make me feel good. I've never felt felt that great from my Suboxone again though. Probably since I've taken it every day now for 7 years. It's amazing cause even tho my Suboxone doesn't make me feel high or better anymore, I still feel like I can't get through a day without taking some. Even though it's basically pointless. lol


Anyway, I feel like my msg here is getting super long though.
If you ever did come to a vist in the US, I'd totally be down to hang out or meet up! Hope is all we have some times!
Glad you decided to stick around on BL!

Maybe we shou;ld make a split electronic album some time!
Cheers my friend!


I wish I could get the fuck out of the US honestly & to a place more like Germany or Switzerland or somewhere where opioid users aren't treated as scum.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

It's insane to me your doc apparently cares more about how 'sober' you are than about how mentally and physically well you are. That's fucked.

I agree.

I guess according to @cdin it's possible that they're telling the truth when they say they can't give me anything due to "laws".

But I still can't find anything online that explicitly states that it's illegal or that you can't. And last I read, even the CDC, NIH & places like that had updated guidelines saying people on Suboxone SHOULDN'T be denied access to benzos & stimulants if they genuinely need them. I mean that's how I got a long term benzo script. And even my Suboxone doctor was willing to put me on Modafinil, which is a controlled substance tho technically not a traditional "stimulant". But my insurance would only cover Modafinil if I had a sleep disorder (which I don't... actually I think I have a little narcolepsy going on, but they aren't going to see that by watching me sleep at a sleep study).

Maybe the guidelines have been updated though & now they can't prescribe stuff like that to new patients, only those who were already on it. But I have no honest idea anymore.

Can anyone actually find any prescribing guidelines online that say it's illegal or whatever? All I can find is that it's not recommended.
I mean it's not technically illegal to give people on Suboxone opioids even (if they're in surgery or for severe pain). So I'm really confused.

I've always heard/read & assumed that it's totally at the discretion of the doctor whether or not they want to put a Suboxone patient on other controlleds.
So when I hear "I'm not going to give you X,Y,Z because you're on Suboxone"... In my head translates to "I'm not gonna give you X,Y,Z cause you're a druggie who can't be trusted". So that's why i felt judged.

I'm willing to see what she has to say on Wednesday. Hell if I could get on a full agonist opioid, then I'd say scratch the stimulant, but of course I can't get on either, which is basically ruining my life at this point.

Me and my roommate are both having mental & physical problems & it's looking like he just lost his job because of it too & now we're both looking at not knowing where our future is headed... Possibly headed to the streets if something doesn't turn around quick.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

I'm ready to quit all my mental health shit altogether, cause I'm not being heard, trusted

I did this recently just cut it off.
Not promoting it. At all.
It was a good decision for me personally.
I will get back to that... I hope my brain is scrammed with cheese and bacon grease.
I hope to get back to this so will "watch"if to bring it back around. Hope it works....
Love always,
J

 

[Hexenstahl]

I'd actually consider this a trifle irresponsible. Like genuinely NEEDS more to be physically comfortable, or simply WANTS more in order to catch a high -?

Some people actually need to feel a buzz in order to not crave opioids. I'm one of them. Just not being in wd is no way enough for me. I'd hit the streets looking for heroin if all I got was enough to manage the physical stuff. Successful substitution is all about quieting the MIND. For some it's enough when they get a dose that prevents wd and thus they don't get any cravings (you for example). For others this doesn't work at all unfortunately (me). We can see that this whole "sufficiency over necessity" philosophy always leads to relapses. I witness how patients who think they only require just enough to keep wd at bay sooner or later relapse and use heroin on top of their methadone because they're missing that buzz. It leads to something we call Beikonsumgefährdung.

And even if that wasn't the case. So fucking what? Let people get high! We're addicts anyway. We can't get more addicted than we already are, that's why we are in the program anyway. I don't ever plan on quitting opioids anyway because they balance me out emotionally. They make me creative, make it easier for me to get in touch with my emotions (without it I feel my emotions as if through a fog), they are the most effective antidepressants, and as I said: feeling good is a prerequisite to health and I need to be high in order to feel good. I don't know why the hell that is (maybe my body naturally underproduces endorphins and hence self-medicates with opioids to counteract that lack of endorphins), I just know THAT it is the way it is. This idea that we need to be sober in order to "get alright" has its origins in the irrational, religious views of the puritans and not in actual rational, scientific, medicinal facts.
We should use opioids today the same way they were used pre-1930.

It is my personal belief that substitutes like methadone etc ought ONLY to be given as they were originally intended

I have to politely, but energetically disagree. That's the same attitude that the doctors these days have with their whole "opioids are intended only for pain management" bs. To these doctors I say look at history. Look how Opium has always been used in the most diverse manner. From religious-ritualistic purposes (eleusinian mystery cult) to hedonistic use (chinese elites smoking Opium for fun) to medicinal purposes (managing BOTH physical as well as mental/emotional pain). So what the hell is this whole "original use" nonsense and who made that person the ultimate authority to decide on what this use is supposed to look like? I decide myself how I'm gonna use this substance how I see fit! I know myself and my needs better after all.

Please don't see this as an attack or anything. I'm just tired of the system telling me what I should use, how and when, and then finding some addicts who themselves seem to support this bs narrative of "intended use" because unfortunately even they aren't immune to psychological conditioning. It's MY body, MY mind, and therefore MY choice. If I wanted to buy a lifetime supply of Opium/Heroin/Methadone/Hydromorphone/Oxy/[insert whatever opioid] to treat pain, depression or just get wasted, then I should be able to do so since I'm not putting anyone in danger!

I respect your opinion, I just don't agree with it at all.

PS no need to translate German text into English for me (though thanks for taking the trouble). Ich bin selbst Deutscher.

I know my friend. It was for the non-german speaking members.

Nobody should be lying to their doctor.

If the doctor forces me to lie to him in order for me to get the dose that I need to keep cravings away, because he has a completely arbitrary view of what an opioid substitute should accomplish (yeah no thanks, but let ME decide over that nanny doctor) for his patient, then is it really my fault for needing to lie to him? I mean the whole point of substitution is to keep us addicts away from not only illicit heroin, but also from the utterly destructive lifestyle that comes with it, so it is in the patient's best interest to make sure he feels good with his/her opioids to prevent a relapse. If the doctor/system prevents me from achieving that, then they are basically forcing me to lie. Fortunately that is history now in Germany. Patients can talk openly now when they need more. They can just say "doctor, I feel like my current dose doesn't maintain me that well anymore and I fear a relapse because of that" and he will up your dose no questions asked. But you see, there is no such thing as opioid abuse here. It doesn't exist. It's a fiction. A political invention.

Warm regards,
Hexenstahl

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

I did this recently just cut it off.
Not promoting it. At all.
It was a good decision for me personally.
I will get back to that... I hope my brain is scrammed with cheese and bacon grease.
I hope to get back to this so will "watch"if to bring it back around. Hope it works....
Love always,
J

I would love to quit.
All of my mental health appts, be it psyche or therapist or whatever have mostly just turned into being a nuisance, an irritation, something that takes times out of my day & I receive little benefit from.

Unfortunately if I did quit everything, I would lose my subs & klonopin, which would really suck. And possibly even my income.
So I kinda feel trapped. Although I think it would be better for me to not have to deal with it all anymore.

I'm glad you're doing better though friend!

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Totally agree @Hexenstahl !

The point of "opioid maintenance" is to reduce cravings & withdrawal.
But how can you reduce cravings if you can't even feel your meds?

We have somewhat of an epidemic in the US of Suboxone users ending up with dual methamphetamine addictions because of this very thing.
Actually happened to me back in 2017-2020. Not only did I lose my heroin connect anyway, but in order to feel anything, I had to start messing with meth.


Hell, I find the combo of Buprenorphine + tramadol more helpful for cravings than either drug alone. Would be nice if Suboxone users could supplement with a couple hundred mg's a day of tramadol at least. They seem to synergize pretty well & would keep me from thinking about full agonists all day. Tramadol provides that "get up & go factor" that Suboxone is missing. For me anyway.

I hate that society has demonized & made "feelings of well-being" seem like an unwanted side effect. As a depressed person, feelings of well-being are welcome & a positive thing for me & my functionality.

 

[Hexenstahl]

I doubt my laptop could handle any games though unfortunately. lol

WoW has comic graphics so even low end laptops can handle it. I'm talking about WoW Classic that came out in 2005. Lemme tell you, that game was literally made to be a time sink. It's made to waste your time which is in my case both a blessing and a curse lol. Super fun and super addictive (it has become my second addiction). I'm currently playing on a private server called Turtle WoW, so if you ever plan on playing, let me know and I'll add ya to my friend's list.

I use to be able to make like 5 albums/demos a month, now I'm lucky if I can get a full length put together in 6 months.

You're just like me then. I used to put out one track after another like a machine, but now it takes ages for me to finish anything. I open FL Studio, play around for half an hour or so and then close the window again because I feel mentally so exhausted, as if I've been working all day long. I hate it because I love doing this shit. I think I'm gonna export one of the tracks I've semi-finished (working on the mixing process currently and then finally master it using Ozone 9) and send it to you. Maybe it inspires you. One day, when I can find the energy we can create a collab album together and upload it on bandcamp. Lol maybe we hit it big and give concerts one day. Can you imagine us both at the turntable with the crowd going crazy? Haha

I didn't know they had diamorphine treatment either!!!

Not all doctors offer it, but in big cities like Stuttgart or Berlin you'll find doctors who offer it. You can show up up to three times a day and give yourself a shot of pure heroin. Doctors and nurses are always there to help and monitor you.

But since I'm an American, I'm technically a mutt.

You're a smart guy, I can judge that by the way you write

I think there's one place here in the US where drugs are basically legal & sold & that's Portland, Oregon. It's still illegal federally. But from what I've heard you can buy meth, heroin, whatever in neat little packages over there. I'm really far from Portland though or I'd be taking a trip there right now. lol I'm more in the western midwest & Portland is all the way on the west coast area.

Hmmm, and I assume it is currently not viable for you to move to Portland? If you could find a good doctor there you could technically move, right? Or is there something holding you back? Family perhaps? Job situation? Lol I'm unemployed since years, but here is another cool thing about living in Germany: when you're unemployed you get something called "Bürgergeld". The government basically pays your monthly rent including energy costs up to a certain point, plus you get (currently) 504€ per month. Back when I was fiending dope I spent all of that money on heroin the first day I got it and stole the rest of the money I needed by scamming people on ebay. Now that I'm in maintenance I only spend half of it on healthy food per month and can actually save up the other half. I can buy nice and high quality clothing and even afford the occasional luxury. I'd like to find work though because I used to work different jobs that I liked (used to work as a freelance copywriter for a while and was pretty successful and then as a VFX compositor for the movie industry). I'm kind of a jack of all trades you could say.

Cause some one I know said there's a norco/hydrocodone shortage & they couldn't fill their script anywhere. And there's been an adderall shortage recently in the US. And I thought to myself "how the fuck can they not keep up with medication production in a supposed 1st world country"... Unless it's being done on purpose cause of course there's no "blood pressure pill shortage" or anything.

Yeah strange isn't it? Strange how there is a shortage of controlled substances aka psychoactive drugs but no shortage of Paracetamol and crap like that.

If you ever did come to a vist in the US, I'd totally be down to hang out or meet up!

It'll happen one day I promise! One day we'll have a bluelight meetup and actually get to see each other in person. That'd be so cool.

 

[MedicinalUser247]

I just hope you have the strength to quit opioids completely. My best friend died from doing that stuff. I just hope you make it through any of the struggles you face and hope good luck. Opioid's are hard to quit.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I guess according to @cdin it's possible that they're telling the truth when they say they can't give me anything due to "laws".

Unfortunately yes.

There may or may not be an actual law restricting opiate prescription (I'm not familiar with the situation state-by-state in the US), but notwithstanding a doctor can risk legal consequences if he's suspected of 'over-prescribing' them.
The anti-opiate hysteria has reached such insane levels that one of the most effective and beneficial drugs ever known to mankind is now regarded as intrinsically 'bad' just because some people develop an addiction to it.

It wasn't so long ago (only a few decades, think '80s) that even in progressive Germany, doctors could lose their license over being willing to prescribe someone methadone.

And as far as I understand, in the current overly vigilant climate in the US, the expectation if you're a doctor is ONLY to give opiates as a last resort, and then only in minimal doses.
I don't blame them either given the bad press the medical profession has gotten for allegedly 'creating' addicts by being 'too free' with opiate prescriptions. Now they're reluctant to give ANY. The whole situation is beyond messed up.

I hope you can find some relief somewhere, friend.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Anyone in the US been having trouble filling controlled meds lately?

I've been sitting here waiting for my klonopin to get filled cause it was "out of stock" ... So I finally called today & they told me they're on backorder with klonopin & won't have any til December. Like wtf. Like thanks for letting me know this now.

So the pharmacist told me to tell my psychiatrist to put me on a different benzo temporarily.
So I had to msg the psychiatrist again & will have to wait til Monday to see what she says.

One of my siblings was having trouble getting their opioid & stimulant medication last week due to "shortages".


Is America becoming a 3rd world country? Wtf. How can they not keep up with medicine production?
Of course there's no "blood pressure med shortage" or "antihistamine shortage", it's all drugs with serious withdrawal symptoms that people need.

She even said it would be pointless to try another pharmacy because they're all out too.

This is beyond fucked.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

I just hope you have the strength to quit opioids completely. My best friend died from doing that stuff. I just hope you make it through any of the struggles you face and hope good luck. Opioid's are hard to quit.

I will never quit opioids.

I will use poppyseeds & loperamide if I absolutely have no other alternatives. Which would kill me.
But thankfully I have access to Suboxone & hope to until the day I die.

But apparently the USA can't keep up with producing enough meds so that people don't have to go without.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

WoW has comic graphics so even low end laptops can handle it. I'm talking about WoW Classic that came out in 2005. Lemme tell you, that game was literally made to be a time sink. It's made to waste your time which is in my case both a blessing and a curse lol. Super fun and super addictive (it has become my second addiction). I'm currently playing on a private server called Turtle WoW, so if you ever plan on playing, let me know and I'll add ya to my friend's list.


You're just like me then. I used to put out one track after another like a machine, but now it takes ages for me to finish anything. I open FL Studio, play around for half an hour or so and then close the window again because I feel mentally so exhausted, as if I've been working all day long. I hate it because I love doing this shit. I think I'm gonna export one of the tracks I've semi-finished (working on the mixing process currently and then finally master it using Ozone 9) and send it to you. Maybe it inspires you. One day, when I can find the energy we can create a collab album together and upload it on bandcamp. Lol maybe we hit it big and give concerts one day. Can you imagine us both at the turntable with the crowd going crazy? Haha


Not all doctors offer it, but in big cities like Stuttgart or Berlin you'll find doctors who offer it. You can show up up to three times a day and give yourself a shot of pure heroin. Doctors and nurses are always there to help and monitor you.


You're a smart guy, I can judge that by the way you write


Hmmm, and I assume it is currently not viable for you to move to Portland? If you could find a good doctor there you could technically move, right? Or is there something holding you back? Family perhaps? Job situation? Lol I'm unemployed since years, but here is another cool thing about living in Germany: when you're unemployed you get something called "Bürgergeld". The government basically pays your monthly rent including energy costs up to a certain point, plus you get (currently) 504€ per month. Back when I was fiending dope I spent all of that money on heroin the first day I got it and stole the rest of the money I needed by scamming people on ebay. Now that I'm in maintenance I only spend half of it on healthy food per month and can actually save up the other half. I can buy nice and high quality clothing and even afford the occasional luxury. I'd like to find work though because I used to work different jobs that I liked (used to work as a freelance copywriter for a while and was pretty successful and then as a VFX compositor for the movie industry). I'm kind of a jack of all trades you could say.


Yeah strange isn't it? Strange how there is a shortage of controlled substances aka psychoactive drugs but no shortage of Paracetamol and crap like that.


It'll happen one day I promise! One day we'll have a bluelight meetup and actually get to see each other in person. That'd be so cool.

Yeah!! It's incredible!! Today I found out that my pharmacy is "out of stock" of my klonopin! And won't have any until December.
So apparently now there's a "klonopin shortage" too?

Was told to ask my doctor to switch to a different benzo temporarily. Wtf.
So I wrote a message for my psyche, but she won't see it til Monday. I told her I'd be okay with switching to ativan or something.
Hopefully she doesn't use this as an opportunity to be like "oh well you don't need benzos anymore now".

This is beyond fucked. America is absolutely a shit hole right now.


Yeah it would be rather difficult for me to up and move to Portland.
It's probably a 15+hr drive from where I live currently. And probably much more expensive to live there than where I'm at now.
I'm on disability, which I'm usually pretty ashamed to admit openly, but I only get like 800 bucks a month. Which isn't even enough to cover rent for a 1 bedroom apartment anywhere.

I have brothers & sisters but they're not very helpful. They all just tell me I should "move out & get on my own" blah blah.
What's ironic though is that none of them live by themselves, they all have wives/husbands/significant others & kids & shit.
They wouldn't be able to handle living by themselves either. Yet they expect me to do it.

I live with my schizo ex boyfriend too & he drives me fucking crazy. Constantly bitching about the smallest things or he'll ramble & ramble to me about shit that doesn't even make sense, I have to tell him to shut the fuck up & that he's not making any sense & that usually just makes him become hostile & defensive.

He got in trouble at work & must have done something crazy enough that his work wants him to go into a psyche ward before they'll even let him back in.
So he's gonna have to do that & I'm worried if he goes in, they'll keep his ass for a long time. And he's the one who pays the bills & makes the money.
But if he doesn't do it, we're also looking at him losing his job altogether & then us ending up in a situation where we're both homeless.

My life is basically over at this point & I'm just a walking corpse. Seriously what it feels like.

I just ran out of weed today too, so this is gonna be a shitty day.

I run a small skimpy little record label where I put releases out on cassettes. If we ever make something together, maybe I could put it on a tape with printed covers & distribute them. But it's always a pain in the ass & it would be expensive to send copies to Germany. lol

Damn, this feels like it's turning into a journal entry & I'm, just constantly bitching. lol
I'm sorry everyone.

Why are all the cool people over in Europe (mostly) ? Lol
I'm grateful for everyone who's replied to me here in this thread.
You're all amazing people & I wish it were much easier to meet up or hang out with some of ya'll.

I think I was cursed by somebody somewhere or something. lol Cause it's just amazing to see the luck I've been having when it comes to basically every aspect of my life.

I have zero friends in real life anymore either. Or at least not any within walking or driving distance I mean. So my only "socializing" tends to come in the form of talking to folks here on BL or other places.


I'll probably just give up on the whole stimulant debacle with my psychiatrist. Cause now it looks like I need to be worried about making sure I can keep my klonopin & my gabapentin. So why bother now trying to get her to put me on anything else.

Hope everyone's weekend goes better than mine!
Much love to you guys!

 

[Hexenstahl]

Yeah!! It's incredible!! Today I found out that my pharmacy is "out of stock" of my klonopin! And won't have any until December.
So apparently now there's a "klonopin shortage" too?

This keeps getting more and more infuriating!

Was told to ask my doctor to switch to a different benzo temporarily. Wtf.

Can you perhaps get Diazepam? Or do you need quick and short acting ones like Xanax?

And probably much more expensive to live there than where I'm at now.

I found something for $500/month. Might this be something for you? https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/5517-N-Commercial-Ave-Portland-OR-97217/176562807_zpid/
From the looks of it, it seems like it's located at the outskirts of the city. If your crazy ex-boyfriend can find a job there and you can convince him to move with you, then this might be something for you.
Hey, honestly though, this looks like a pretty neat area. I wanna move there myself now. It's smaller than my appartment, but it looks comfy.

And he's the one who pays the bills & makes the money.

That's a pretty bad spot you're in. Being financially dependent on an erratic person who happens to be schizophrenic isn't exactly a safe position to be in. Can you perhaps call his employer and try to set things straight? Do everything in your power to prevent becoming homeless because it's very hard to go back to your old life once you lose the roof over your head. You said earlier that you have the tendency to procrastinate on things that stress you out. My friend, THIS is most definitely not one of those things to procrastinate on. Your #1 priority should be to get your ex back to work. Everything else has to be put on the backseat for now. Make sure to solve this problem first! I'm here in case you need advice. Just know that you're not alone, ok?

I run a small skimpy little record label where I put releases out on cassettes. If we ever make something together, maybe I could put it on a tape with printed covers & distribute them. But it's always a pain in the ass & it would be expensive to send copies to Germany. lol

I think it would be economically more sound to promote the music in the USA since your record label is located there anyway. You can keep all the proceeds. I don't care about the money. I don't even care about the fame. I just like sharing music with people.
Here is the song I was talking about (http://sndup.net/nvbn). It'll be the first track of my new album. Mixed but not mastered yet, so it sounds kind of unpolished and I need to increase the master volume too. No idea what subgenre of electronic music this belongs to though.

Oh and please, don't release that track yet, ok? Let me first finish all songs please ^^
We can turn this into a split album if you like. If you can produce something that goes into a similar direction, kinda dark and atmospheric, cold, a bit raw, a bit sexy...then we can definitely work together and turn this into an awesome project.

Damn, this feels like it's turning into a journal entry & I'm, just constantly bitching. lol
I'm sorry everyone.

NO don't apologize! Write anything that weighs heavy on your heart, off your chest! This is the only way you can feel temporarily better. It doesn't annoy me to read your texts. I like reading what you have to say and I like thinking about ways I could maybe help you. You said earlier that you don't have friends anymore and how your siblings aren't much of a help...well, you got US! WE are here for you! We may not be able to physically meet and help each other out directly, but we can give advice and sometimes it's enough to know that someone is just listening.

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

Anyone in the US been having trouble filling controlled meds lately?

I've been sitting here waiting for my klonopin to get filled cause it was "out of stock" ... So I finally called today & they told me they're on backorder with klonopin & won't have any til December. Like wtf. Like thanks for letting me know this now.

So the pharmacist told me to tell my psychiatrist to put me on a different benzo temporarily.
So I had to msg the psychiatrist again & will have to wait til Monday to see what she says.

One of my siblings was having trouble getting their opioid & stimulant medication last week due to "shortages".


Is America becoming a 3rd world country? Wtf. How can they not keep up with medicine production?
Of course there's no "blood pressure med shortage" or "antihistamine shortage", it's all drugs with serious withdrawal symptoms that people need.

She even said it would be pointless to try another pharmacy because they're all out too.

This is beyond fucked.

Yea I’m in US & been having a lot of weirdness the last couple months trying to fill clonazepam. So I’m prescribed 30 0.5 mg tabs a month. A couple months ago I went in to pick up my script & the pharmacist was like “Oh .. well I only have 17 tablets do you still want them?” … I was like “Well yes I still want them, I’m prescribed 30 & the script is for 30 … so if I get the 17 now should I come back for the 13 when you guys restock?” She says … “Umm no you can’t do that because it’s a controlled substance. If you want the 17 I have left now you are going to have the doctor send in a new script for the other 13 when we restock.”
I was like “fine I’ll take them & do that.”

So I take the 17 she has left & called & left a message for my doctor explaining what happened. A couple days later the nurse from my doctors office called & said that since the pharmacy is out of the 0.5’s that she sent over another script for 7 of the 1mg ones & just break them in half’s.

So then the next month I have an appointment with this doctor & it’s time for the refill & I asked her if she thought they were going to have them this month. So while I'm in the office she calls them (the pharmacy) … I’m sitting there in the office when she calling them & I hear her ask them if they have the 0.5 mg clonazepam tablets … then she actually sounded like she had to get tough with them … She was like “Umm … I’m ASKING you because you were out of them last month, now do you have them in stock or not?” Then she says “Okay fine well I’m sending the script over now, so when she gets down there are you GOING to have them?”
… she then hangs up the phone & told me rite after I left her office to go down there rite away to make sure I can get them. So I did & they had them.

So now this past month … I go to pick up my script & the lady at the pharmacy looks in the computer & says “Hmmm … okay I’m going to have to check in the back” … so she goes in the back & I can still see her & she’s pulling out these two different bottles & her & the pharmacist are like whispering but they seem like … I don’t know it was just friggin weird … they seemed like all stressed out. So anyways she comes back & says to me “Well we have them but they are a different kind.. do you still want them?” .. in my head I’m thinking like wtf? … so I said to her “Well are they still clonazepam 0.5 mgs?” & she paused & was like… “Well yea … but they are going to look completely different than other ones you’ve picked up before, they are going to be a different color & different shape do you still want them?” … So I said “As long as you are saying that they are clonazepam & the same dosage as I’m prescribed Yes I want them”
So I got them & they really do look different & they almost feel different … they almost feel like Valium instead or not as strong as they usually are… so super weird. I also take Xanax & been taking those more this month & they have been feeling stronger … so I honestly hope that this upcoming month they just have the regular clonazepam & have them in stock because it’s become kinda stressful just getting those 30 friggin tabs every month. I’m also prescribed a small amount of tramadol & sometimes they are out of them & i have to wait a couple days to restock … lol it honestly used to be waaaay easier back in the day when I lived in the hood & got most of my stuff off the streets…. Now years later that I moved out the hood & trying to do everything the ‘rite way’ for these dinky little amounts of stuff is so much more stressful & harder

 

[Hexenstahl]

These benzo shortages are super dangerous for people dependent on them. If the shortage causes some people to go into wd what then? They can be life threatening and if nobody can seem to get enough (even clinics I suppose?) then how will those people be treated? I'd be in constant panic mode if I was in the US right now. This isn't Somalia, it's the fucking USA, these multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical corporations should be able to manufacture a fully synthetic substance with ease. This is freaking scary...

 

[ghostfreak]

I’m almost afraid to phone my GP about anything medication related as it’s always ‘well let’s reduce or take away’ - even when I’m asking for help basically.

For example last time I had a call I was saying about my anxiety spiking and sleep issues and it was ‘let’s reduce the Pregabalin by 25mg’.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

What in the fucking world is going on in the US?

It's not just klonopin either. I know people having trouble getting their hydrocodone, their ritalin, their adderall..... What the hell.

This keeps getting more and more infuriating!


Can you perhaps get Diazepam? Or do you need quick and short acting ones like Xanax?


I found something for $500/month. Might this be something for you? https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/5517-N-Commercial-Ave-Portland-OR-97217/176562807_zpid/
From the looks of it, it seems like it's located at the outskirts of the city. If your crazy ex-boyfriend can find a job there and you can convince him to move with you, then this might be something for you.
Hey, honestly though, this looks like a pretty neat area. I wanna move there myself now. It's smaller than my appartment, but it looks comfy.


That's a pretty bad spot you're in. Being financially dependent on an erratic person who happens to be schizophrenic isn't exactly a safe position to be in. Can you perhaps call his employer and try to set things straight? Do everything in your power to prevent becoming homeless because it's very hard to go back to your old life once you lose the roof over your head. You said earlier that you have the tendency to procrastinate on things that stress you out. My friend, THIS is most definitely not one of those things to procrastinate on. Your #1 priority should be to get your ex back to work. Everything else has to be put on the backseat for now. Make sure to solve this problem first! I'm here in case you need advice. Just know that you're not alone, ok?

I think it would be economically more sound to promote the music in the USA since your record label is located there anyway. You can keep all the proceeds. I don't care about the money. I don't even care about the fame. I just like sharing music with people.
Here is the song I was talking about (http://sndup.net/nvbn). It'll be the first track of my new album. Mixed but not mastered yet, so it sounds kind of unpolished and I need to increase the master volume too. No idea what subgenre of electronic music this belongs to though.

Oh and please, don't release that track yet, ok? Let me first finish all songs please ^^
We can turn this into a split album if you like. If you can produce something that goes into a similar direction, kinda dark and atmospheric, cold, a bit raw, a bit sexy...then we can definitely work together and turn this into an awesome project.


NO don't apologize! Write anything that weighs heavy on your heart, off your chest! This is the only way you can feel temporarily better. It doesn't annoy me to read your texts. I like reading what you have to say and I like thinking about ways I could maybe help you. You said earlier that you don't have friends anymore and how your siblings aren't much of a help...well, you got US! WE are here for you! We may not be able to physically meet and help each other out directly, but we can give advice and sometimes it's enough to know that someone is just listening.

I appreciate you more than you'll ever know in this moment!
Thank you for that, really.

I definitely won't release any of your music or anything. I'll check it out here after I'm type everything. I'll hit you up in a message & we'll talk about it more.
The way you described your music sounds nice. I'll have to show you some of mine & see what you think

Yeah this situation is a nightmare.
I've been on his ass about working the past few weeks because I'm terrified.
I dunno what happened to him. He's always been so independent & makes good money. He's not held back by anxiety & shit like I am.
He was almost so much more financially independent than me that it made him a narcissist towards me really. lol Always feeling like he was better than me because he makes all this money.

But I knew it was only a matter of time before the schizophrenia affected him this way. He's lost a few jobs to it in the past, but he usually bounced back pretty good.
We both have a lot of appointments & things we need to get to next week. He's planning on going into the psycheward so that he can be allowed back to work.
I'm worried they are going to keep him longer than just one night though. Cause he pays our bills on his phone & takes care of all that kind of stuff. And I'm gonna need his help getting my car fix (I got hit last week by some moron on the road, knew that was gonna happen eventually too with all the stupid drivers here).

I think if he doesn't seem like a threat to anybody that they'll let him out pretty quick. He has to get a paper signed by a mental health professional before his job will let him back. I've never heard of a job doing this before though. And I'm not exactly sure what he did at work that caused them to want him to be committed. But apparently he isn't fired yet either & it sounds like they want him back, so hopefully this all goes well.


Daamn!!! 500 a month for that eh!? That does look like a really cozy area!!! I wonder how much utilities & everything would be.
That's crazy!! I can remember just like 10-15 years ago, you could rent a 2 story 3 bedroom house for $400 a month! Now you're lucky if you can find a 2 bedroom apartment for $800. Didn't think any houses for lower than that existed out there!!

But yeah, homelessness has been weighing on me most of my life.
I've known since I was a teenager that I was gonna have some serious issues. That's why I basically took all straight F's in every class from 7th grade to 10th grade.
I did want my license though, so I completed drivers ed & then eventually just dropped out of school altogether. I some times participated in science & art class since I liked some of those things, but I would sit out in gym & turn all my tests in blank in all my other classes. lol I would go to school totally baked out of my mind & just sit there. None of the teachers cared as long as I didn't disrupt anybody. lol

And then I lived with my mom til the age of 32. I moved out & lived with other guys some times for awhile but I always ended up going back home to my mom.
But she ain't here anymore, passed away on Mother's Day of 2021. So that's how I kind of ended up where I'm at now.

I'm doing my best to navigate a really fucked up world. And it just gets more fucked up by the day.
Hell, not even just my personal life is fucked anymore but when I look at society as whole & politics. Holy Fuck.

I got attacked like crazy on Reddit for not agreeing with fucking neo-pronouns or xenoprouns & shit the other day. Like what in the literal fuck is going on with the masses? lol

And then there's the other side that thinks drag queens are like some crazy monsters out for your kids & if you try to reason with these folks, they just hit you back with all these homophobic remarks. People are insane. lol

I have no idea what's in store for me. I've just been kind of letting the universe decide everything so far. I feel totally powerless to really change or do anything.
Sure I could wake up & go back to school tomorrow & then become an astronaut or something, but if I can't even make a dentist appt, then I think that's pretty unlikely. lol

You're incredible though my friend! I really enjoy talking to you! I have a really strong desire to connect with like-minded & unique people. It's almost like a survival mechanism. lol But humans really are social creatures. And it's been a blessing to come across people such as yourself!

I'm gonna hit you up in a PM here shortly & talk to you some more there!
Hope your weekend was great!
Cheers!

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Yea I’m in US & been having a lot of weirdness the last couple months trying to fill clonazepam. So I’m prescribed 30 0.5 mg tabs a month. A couple months ago I went in to pick up my script & the pharmacist was like “Oh .. well I only have 17 tablets do you still want them?” … I was like “Well yes I still want them, I’m prescribed 30 & the script is for 30 … so if I get the 17 now should I come back for the 13 when you guys restock?” She says … “Umm no you can’t do that because it’s a controlled substance. If you want the 17 I have left now you are going to have the doctor send in a new script for the other 13 when we restock.”
I was like “fine I’ll take them & do that.”

So I take the 17 she has left & called & left a message for my doctor explaining what happened. A couple days later the nurse from my doctors office called & said that since the pharmacy is out of the 0.5’s that she sent over another script for 7 of the 1mg ones & just break them in half’s.

So then the next month I have an appointment with this doctor & it’s time for the refill & I asked her if she thought they were going to have them this month. So while I'm in the office she calls them (the pharmacy) … I’m sitting there in the office when she calling them & I hear her ask them if they have the 0.5 mg clonazepam tablets … then she actually sounded like she had to get tough with them … She was like “Umm … I’m ASKING you because you were out of them last month, now do you have them in stock or not?” Then she says “Okay fine well I’m sending the script over now, so when she gets down there are you GOING to have them?”
… she then hangs up the phone & told me rite after I left her office to go down there rite away to make sure I can get them. So I did & they had them.

So now this past month … I go to pick up my script & the lady at the pharmacy looks in the computer & says “Hmmm … okay I’m going to have to check in the back” … so she goes in the back & I can still see her & she’s pulling out these two different bottles & her & the pharmacist are like whispering but they seem like … I don’t know it was just friggin weird … they seemed like all stressed out. So anyways she comes back & says to me “Well we have them but they are a different kind.. do you still want them?” .. in my head I’m thinking like wtf? … so I said to her “Well are they still clonazepam 0.5 mgs?” & she paused & was like… “Well yea … but they are going to look completely different than other ones you’ve picked up before, they are going to be a different color & different shape do you still want them?” … So I said “As long as you are saying that they are clonazepam & the same dosage as I’m prescribed Yes I want them”
So I got them & they really do look different & they almost feel different … they almost feel like Valium instead or not as strong as they usually are… so super weird. I also take Xanax & been taking those more this month & they have been feeling stronger … so I honestly hope that this upcoming month they just have the regular clonazepam & have them in stock because it’s become kinda stressful just getting those 30 friggin tabs every month. I’m also prescribed a small amount of tramadol & sometimes they are out of them & i have to wait a couple days to restock … lol it honestly used to be waaaay easier back in the day when I lived in the hood & got most of my stuff off the streets…. Now years later that I moved out the hood & trying to do everything the ‘rite way’ for these dinky little amounts of stuff is so much more stressful & harder

Damn!!!

I can't believe you had to go through that! Thanks for sharing & letting me know!
It makes me wonder the fuck is going on.

Hopefully it's just a little bump in the road & not going to turn into some serious problem. People can't just drop these meds, especially if they've been on them a long time or really need them to function & do things.

I totally fuckin' relate to your last sentence!!! lol I am so sick of peeing in cups & playing tag with doctors/pharmacy.
Usually I don't have too many issues with getting things filled. But this past few weeks has been a bit worrying.

I’m almost afraid to phone my GP about anything medication related as it’s always ‘well let’s reduce or take away’ - even when I’m asking for help basically.

For example last time I had a call I was saying about my anxiety spiking and sleep issues and it was ‘let’s reduce the Pregabalin by 25mg’.

This is my worry too!
That because of these shortages, doctors are going to use it as an excuse to cut people back or off completely.
I know what you mean about asking for help too, like if I tell a doc that I'm having a new problem or worse this or that, their solution is always instant to reduce or want to remove something i'm on & replace it with an SSRi. It's like they HAVE to have you on an SSRI no matter what, no matter how many times you say "this shit makes me sick" or "this shit doesn't work". It's insanity.