Treatment The mental health system is completely failing me

[DeathIndustrial88]

I've been struggling with motivation, procrastination & even putting off important health problems for months/years now.


I went in & told my psychiatrist today & was desperately needing the help. I told her the only thing that's probably gonna help me would be a low dose stimulant. She agreed but said I was already on so many meds. So I said I'd be willing to drop my gabapentin to at least be on a stimulant. So she took my gabapentin away & then turned around & said "I refuse to put you on a stimulant since you're on suboxone".

So I fucking went in there begging for help & not only did I not get that help, but I had one of my meds taken away for absolutely no fucking reason.

I told her that means I'm just stuck on a merry go around with the medical system then & I'll never get any better.

Wtf should I do anymore?
Does anyone else on Suboxone have this much trouble getting on other controlled substances?

How the fuck is denying me new medicines & taking away one of my meds for no reason helping anything? How the fuck am I ever suppose to get help then?

I have holes in my teeth & like 50 different appts I need to make & things I need to do with my car, etc... I feel like I can't handle any of it. And can't get any help whatsoever. I've been putting it all off for so long already. I always tell myself "oh maybe I'll feel better tomorrow & will do it".... but I never feel better, so it never gets done.

Having holes in my teeth is dangerous too. So my psyche would rather me sit around putting my health in danger than letting me have a low stimulant? Wtf.

I'm ready to quit all my mental health shit altogether, cause I'm not being heard, trusted or given the chance to do or try anything all because i'm on addiction medicine. And that's fucking bullshit.


Sorry this is more of a rant & wondering how other people are dealing with this. Mods feel free to move it wherever it needs to be.
I'm ready to give up.

I've already run the gamut of antidepressants & antipsychotics & none of them help & some of them have caused me semi-permanent side effects. Never again.


I actually cried when I got home.
And if I'm leaving my mental health appts more upset than when I went in, is the system really working?

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Sounds like she is treating you like all the rest of them out there anymore. Getting anything that is controlled anymore, whether it be a benzo or a stimulant, just isn't happening with so many people. Doesn't matter that they need it for quality of life anymore like it used to. Before all this crisis crap went down most Dr.s would listen to you and at least put you on a trial basis. Here ya go.....feel better. But I'll be watching you. Now they throw out AP's, AD's and anti-histamines and all those things do for most people is absolutely nothing. I mean AP's and AD's have their place if that's what people need and they work for them. But they sure as heck won't do anything for energy and motivation.

Think that's why so many ( practically all ) of the members on here went to RC's. They couldn't find anyone to help them. You can probably find another Dr. but chances are they won't be any better than the one you have. I would most certainly call her and tell her to add the gabs back in as the only reason you gave them up was to get the stim. If she doesn't refill them for you I would walk. The subs would be easy to get from another Dr. so no loss there. And the new one would probably put you back on the gabs. There is no more help out there like there used to be. We are all on our own to take care of our needs. However we can.

If you feel worse coming out of your appt. then you did going in well that's just wrong. The whole idea of seeing one is to get better.....not worse. Once MH gets a hold of people they are treated differently. All the people that I know that have been through the MH system say they feel judged and are denied adequate meds. They get stuff like buspar instead of a benzo and they get benadryl instead of a sleep aid ( like ambien or something ). They get treated like they can't be trusted with a " real " med ( and some can't I get it ) but most of us are just looking for a little relief and we aren't getting it.

It sucks I know. You may have to resort to ordering online. I know you want to get it through your Dr. and insurance instead but what choice do you really have ?

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Sounds like she is treating you like all the rest of them out there anymore. Getting anything that is controlled anymore, whether it be a benzo or a stimulant, just isn't happening with so many people. Doesn't matter that they need it for quality of life anymore like it used to. Before all this crisis crap went down most Dr.s would listen to you and at least put you on a trial basis. Here ya go.....feel better. But I'll be watching you. Now they throw out AP's, AD's and anti-histamines and all those things do for most people is absolutely nothing. I mean AP's and AD's have their place if that's what people need and they work for them. But they sure as heck won't do anything for energy and motivation.

Think that's why so many ( practically all ) of the members on here went to RC's. They couldn't find anyone to help them. You can probably find another Dr. but chances are they won't be any better than the one you have. I would most certainly call her and tell her to add the gabs back in as the only reason you gave them up was to get the stim. If she doesn't refill them for you I would walk. The subs would be easy to get from another Dr. so no loss there. And the new one would probably put you back on the gabs. There is no more help out there like there used to be. We are all on our own to take care of our needs. However we can.

If you feel worse coming out of your appt. then you did going in well that's just wrong. The whole idea of seeing one is to get better.....not worse. Once MH gets a hold of people they are treated differently. All the people that I know that have been through the MH system say they feel judged and are denied adequate meds. They get stuff like buspar instead of a benzo and they get benadryl instead of a sleep aid ( like ambien or something ). They get treated like they can't be trusted with a " real " med ( and some can't I get it ) but most of us are just looking for a little relief and we aren't getting it.

It sucks I know. You may have to resort to ordering online. I know you want to get it through your Dr. and insurance instead but what choice do you really have ?

Yeah, I'm also on benzos too.

I was working with my suboxone doctor for the longest time. She was prescribing my subs, my klonopin & AD's and all that.
But it got to a point where even she agreed I needed to get on a stimulant. But since she wasn't "technically" a mental healthcare doctor, the only one she would give me was modafinil. And I said hey that's completely fine. I'm not looking to get spun out or abuse it. But of course my insurance wouldn't cover modafinil without a sleep disorder diagnosis. So I went & had a sleep study done, which came back normal. And so we tried another SNRI (clomipramine), which landed me in the ER due to mild/moderate serotonin syndrome symptoms. So I said no more SSRIs/SNRI's or antipsychotics (had daily blepherospams & lost my ability to drive temporarily on vraylar about 2 years ago).

So she made me go get a psychiatrist & she sticks to just prescribing my subs.
I got a psychiatrist & she kept me on my klonopin & gabapentin & wanted me to try Auvelity before going into the stimulant conversation.
But then she up & left one day due to a new job offer back in like April & I got a replacement psychiatrist.

And this woman seems completely anti-drug. She told me I'm one of the only people in the entire clinic that she's letting have a benzo (how comforting).


My therapist actually knows my psychiatrist too & last week she told me I should try asking her for a stimulant. So I figured it was worth a try. But these were the results.

Pretty ironic that out of all of them, my addiction doctor was the most open to actually letting me have a stimulant. lol I can see why she wouldn't have wanted me to have amphetamine & methylphenidate, but at least she was willing to help me. I felt like the psychiatrist today did absolutely nothing at all but judge me.

I'm afraid you're right @Nurse Ratched , it's unlikely I'll ever get the right help I need.
I know of some people who are on opioids, benzos & stimulants & I dunno how they get so lucky. So at least I know there's like, no rules or regulations saying that people on opioids/and or suboxone can't also be on stimulants or controlled substances. It's completely up to the discretion of the doctor.
And yeah, if I'm going to a mental health appt seeking help & coming out without any & feeling worse, then there's something very wrong with that.
She even mentioned non-stimulant options like strattera. And though I'm not sure it would have helped, I told her I was absolutely willing & ready to try non-stimulant drugs too. And she still didn't prescribe me anything.

What's also funny is she brought up how my wellbutrin is abuseable. And I was like "yeah, why is it okay to give me this drug that's abuseable but not one that will actually help me?" and of course she didn't really have any answer for that.

And there was definitely no reason to take me off my gabapentin either.
I'm worried she'll come for my clonazepam next.

I guess I'm gonna talk to my therapist tomorrow & tell her all of this & maybe she'll know another psychiatrist I can get into sooner or something. Cause stigma, judgement & denying me the ability to try things just cause i'm on suboxone is totally unacceptable to me. Suboxone saves lives & just cause some one is on it doesn't mean they are incapable of taking meds responsibly. Hell I don't even particularly like stimulants. But other than opioids, they're the only drugs I can think of that would help me with motivation, energy & focus. Especially just a low dose. I don't see what these doctors are so afraid of by letting me utilize 5-10mg of amphetamine or ritalin. Instead they'd rather I just sit here & continue to put off taking care of my health.

I need to make a dentist appt for holes in my teeth, I need to get in & make an appt to re-test for my h pylori infection, I need to make an appt to re-apply for my medical marijuana card & last week some moron hit my car on the road, so now I gotta make an appt to get my car repaired. And I haven't done any of it & have been slacking on some of it for months/years now. And I guess I'm just gonna sit here & continue to suffer since we apparently can't count on the health system to help.

I almost want to go out & go on a meth binge just to spite this shit. Ironically by not giving me something to help today, she basically put me at risk of relapsing. Cause apparently that's what I'm gonna have to do in order to feel better. Although I won't actually go on a meth binge cause that's a bad idea. lol But it's just amazing to me for a doctor to act concerned about my "sobriety", while also putting my sobriety at risk by not even helping me.

It's so frustrating.
I appreciate you taking the time to read my blathering, Nurse.
I really hope I can figure something out. I can't keep up with taking care of anything anymore. I have no idea how to go about getting RC's & I only have 40 bucks to last me the rest of the month, but hell, if there's RC opioids & stims out there that anyone knows easy access to, feel free to HMU. I gotta do something before my teeth get worse.

 

[cdin]

fire current psych. get a new one. I have had to fire over a dozen at this point,.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

fire current psych. get a new one. I have had to fire over a dozen at this point,.

Im thinking about it.
Although it was really difficult to get into one around here in the first place. Talking months of being on a waiting list. Thought I was gonna lose my klonopin at the time & luckily got in there just in time.
But there's gotta be somewhere that'll take me in sooner.


Hell, it ain't even just the fact that she wouldn't give me a stimulant. But the fact that I went in there desperately needing help (in the form of some kind of medicine) and opened up about all my issues & literally walked out with nothing & lost one of my meds for no reason. I can't even fathom how this is okay. I would have absolutely tried the straterra or whatever else there was for my issues but I didn't even get that chance. And I felt judged just for being on suboxone.

Im like 5 seconds from quitting all mental health services altogether. Which would be a bad idea in the long run but it's like wtf.
At this point, my "mental health" services are more like inconveniences, nuisances & apparently now opportunities to make me feel worse. Fucked up.
I'd get more help on the streets (if I actually ran with drug users & dealers anymore, which I don't). It's bullshit.

 

[Eligiu]

It's almost impossible to be put on both a stimulant and suboxone at the same time. I had to fight for it, and then because I was honest with the person prescribing my dexamphetamine that I'd used illicit drugs, I got taken off.

When I was on both, I was piss tested for drugs every single time my prescription was dispensed. By law. Not my GPs choice.

My long term psychiatrist of 8 years at that stage still would not take over his prescription even though I never abused the dexamphetamine prescription (ok, more than one time to double check that I couldn't, and I couldn't lol).

I am currently prescribed medical cannabis and the bridal injection. I did see that the weed is a controlled/scheduled drug since it says that on my meds, and I was surprised since they would have sent paperwork in to the drugs of dependence unit, but clearly they don't care much at all about me being on weed.

Unfortunately, depending on where you live they may have actual laws preventing you from being able to be on both medications, and/or if prescribed both meds like me, you would have a LOT of obligations.

If your issue is ADHD, one of the things here is you need to try all non stimulant medications first before being put on stimulants. I am trying to do that now, and just try other ones because if they work, great. If not, no harm done really for me.

Unfortunately, going to a new psychiatrist isn't too helpful in these situations @cdin when its about being on multiple controlled/scheduled prescriptions, or wanting/needing to be. It actually is in ones best interest to stick with the same person, because the system flags people for doctor shopping.

Where do you live @DeathIndustrial88 ? As in, country or general state would be fine and I can look up if there's any legislation affecting them prescribing stuff? I looked up the laws where I live after I got taken off the dexamphetamine because I was upset at my GP then I saw he legally was mandated to end the prescription, when I looked it up.

If it's not the law the person you saw is following and just personal preference, THEN it could be maybe useful to try someone else. But if ifs because it's what's legally required, then I can't see any easy way to get what you need, unfortunately.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. It's crazy that they think just because someone is on suboxone that they can't manage prescription stimulants, especially if they have a diagnosis which necessitates taking them

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

It's almost impossible to be put on both a stimulant and suboxone at the same time. I had to fight for it, and then because I was honest with the person prescribing my dexamphetamine that I'd used illicit drugs, I got taken off.

When I was on both, I was piss tested for drugs every single time my prescription was dispensed. By law. Not my GPs choice.

My long term psychiatrist of 8 years at that stage still would not take over his prescription even though I never abused the dexamphetamine prescription (ok, more than one time to double check that I couldn't, and I couldn't lol).

I am currently prescribed medical cannabis and the bridal injection. I did see that the weed is a controlled/scheduled drug since it says that on my meds, and I was surprised since they would have sent paperwork in to the drugs of dependence unit, but clearly they don't care much at all about me being on weed.

Unfortunately, depending on where you live they may have actual laws preventing you from being able to be on both medications, and/or if prescribed both meds like me, you would have a LOT of obligations.

If your issue is ADHD, one of the things here is you need to try all non stimulant medications first before being put on stimulants. I am trying to do that now, and just try other ones because if they work, great. If not, no harm done really for me.

Unfortunately, going to a new psychiatrist isn't too helpful in these situations @cdin when its about being on multiple controlled/scheduled prescriptions, or wanting/needing to be. It actually is in ones best interest to stick with the same person, because the system flags people for doctor shopping.

Where do you live @DeathIndustrial88 ? As in, country or general state would be fine and I can look up if there's any legislation affecting them prescribing stuff? I looked up the laws where I live after I got taken off the dexamphetamine because I was upset at my GP then I saw he legally was mandated to end the prescription, when I looked it up.

If it's not the law the person you saw is following and just personal preference, THEN it could be maybe useful to try someone else. But if ifs because it's what's legally required, then I can't see any easy way to get what you need, unfortunately.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. It's crazy that they think just because someone is on suboxone that they can't manage prescription stimulants, especially if they have a diagnosis which necessitates taking them

I'm in the USA here.

As far as I know, there aren't any laws prohibiting being prescribed both at the same time.
There's plenty of people on here who are on suboxone, adderall & benzos.
I also know some one who's on hydros, benzos & ritalin.

I believe here in the US, it's completely at the doctors discretion. A lot of our medical literature here on government websites even says patients on suboxone shouldn't be denied access to benzos & stimulant drugs if they have conditions that require them. Unfortunately there's still a lot of bias & stigma in the medical community. Now if a doctor has a ton of patients all on a shit ton of controlled substances, then yes, I think they might be watched a little harder by the DEA or something. But there's nothing illegal about prescribing people multiple controlled substances. But people (and society in general)'s consensus on this is that we shouldn't allow people to do it. Which is bullshit if you ask me & nobody's business what I need/want or take for myself.


You're right about trying to stick with the same doctor too. I agree.
I've been with my sub doc for 7 years now & I love that woman honestly. She use to prescribe all my mental health meds too until I couldn't handle SSRI's and antipsychotics anymore. And then she strangely said she wasn't a mental health care doctor & that I needed to get a "real one" after like 5 years of going to her. So I don't know what that was all about. If she's not a "mental health care" provider, then how was she able to prescribe my klonopin, gabapentin & all my other psychiatric meds for years? lol I dunno.


Medical cannabis is another issue I'm about to run into.
I have to re-apply for my state card by December. And in order to do so, I have to see a physician at one of these weed clinics again.
My original psyche that I had a year ago is the one who helped me kind of get in. Cause for the weed pysichians here, all they need is some kind of notes from one of your doctors stating that you've experienced pain or nausea. And my psyche sent over her notes talking about how I mentioned having fibromyalgia-like chronic pain & nausea from meds. And that got me approved for medical cannabis. But then that psyche up & took a different job. So now when I go to reapply, I'm not sure if this new anti-drug psyche is gonna have any notes about my pain or nausea. And I completely forgot to ask her about it today because I was just so awe struck that I was being judged for being on suboxone & not being given anything to help me.

So not only did I not get any help today for my problems, but now I have to find the energy & motivation to make this appt for the weed clinic (ontop of the other 50 appts I need to make) and might possibly lose my medical card next if I don't have any records to show them. I meant to ask the psyche today if she still had all the other psyches notes, so that I could use those, but completely forgot.

I'm still pretty upset about it at the moment. I don't see how these people don't see all the irony in this.

Hell, she didn't even have to give me a stimulant. She could have absolutely prescribed me Straterra (and she mentioned some other non-stimulant drug too) & I would have given it a try. Cause I am at my wits end & absolutely ready to try something. I have 25+ experience with illict drugs & most psychiatric drugs though, so I kinda know what's gonna help me & what won't. But I've never had the chance to try shit like Straterra. All I give a shit about is if it helps me with my motivation & energy levels.

There was something else I wanted to mention, but I completely forgot it now & feel like I'm rambling on a lot.

I honestly have no idea if my issue is ADHD or not.
I'm not a hyper person at all. I'm actually very chill & quiet. Possibly too quiet.

- I do a lot of daydreaming that I can't control (it's part of why I dropped out of school at 16)
- And I procrastinate on any & everything that causes me anxiety or stresses me out
- Even if it's important shit (like having holes in my teeth waiting to be infected any minute)
- I always tell myself "well maybe I'll feel better tomorrow & I'll do it then".
- But I never feel better the next day, so I just continue to justify putting everything off as long as I can.
- From past experience with stims, low doses tend to enhance my mood, calm me & even reduce my anxiety. But obviously if I try to get high on them or abuse them or if it's methamphetamine, then I am prone to a lot of anxiety from it. Which is another issues doctors like to use. That because I have severe anxiety that I can't handle stimulants. And they're only partially right, because low doses of stimulants eradicate my anxiety & self consciousness.
- I have no energy, motivation or drive.
- And speaking of drive, I absolutely hate doing anything that requires me to focus & pay attention, like driving. Cause it gives me anxiety to be basically be maneuvering a giant death box on wheels while not being able to concentrate or accidentally zoning out too long & running a stop light.
- When I do accomplish things (like this weekend I took a long ass walk), I don't feel like I get a dopamine reward from my brain for it. Like normal people feel good after doing something, so it makes them want to do it again. I however just go right back to feeling shitty & unmotivated. And it's ruining my life.

I dunno exactly what it is because these idiot psychiatrists never think to give me any ADD/ADHD testing. But does this sound like ADHD? (genuine question, not rhetorical). I've never really been hyper or hyperactive. When I have to interact with people, I tend to ramble so much that I stumble over myself & people think I'mm manic, but whether that's cause of my anxiety or ADHD, I dunno. I've always assumed maybe it was depression or chronic fatigue causing me these issues & it could be.

Doctors can technically prescribe generic amphetamine & methylphenidate off-label for depression symptoms too. It's not super common but I don't think there's any laws against it.

I feel like she'll probably come for my klonopin next since she "hates" benzos. So I might have to try doing some looking around. Although I'm gonna be terrified I end up cut off from my klonopin in between finding somebody else.


Completely frustrated & exhausted. I'm not even 40 yet & I feel like I can't even take care of myself anymore.
And I've had my testosterone checked even too (and it was normal, actually higher than normal, thus making me bald already & giving me acne breakouts).
I dunno what to do anymore. And it's obvious the medical system was designed to rake in profits without actually helping people.

Oh yeah, I remember now what I was gonna mention.
They do Sprovato treatments (esketamine) at this clinic, which I was interested in maybe trying for my depression.
But in order to do it, you have to take it front of the psychiatrist, sit there for several hours while it wears off & then it's required that some one else drives you home. So again, another treatment I can't access due to all the ridiculous and arbitrary barriers involved.

Pfft & even if I do finally muster up the energy & courage to make that dentist appt, I'm sure every place I call is gonna say "Oh sorry, we're not taking anymore medicaid patients..... so just go get infected & die for all we care (they don't say this part obviously lol)" Actually this happened two weeks ago when I finally tried to make an appt. Which just discouraged me even further.
FML

I'm completely doomed I think. I even told my psychiatrist that i feel like I'm just doomed on this medical merry go round then & will never get any actual help & she just basically nodded & agreed with me. Like wtf.

Thank you all for talking with me. I feel like I'm in a state of shock, got a hardcore stare going on cause I just can't believe my psychiatrist made me feel that way today when I had been waiting for this appt & desperately needing help. Complete bullshit.

 

[Hexenstahl]

Cause apparently that's what I'm gonna have to do in order to feel better.

This is something that doctors these days don't seem to understand. A very large part of being a healthy person consists of feeling good, and anything that makes a patient feel less good only makes them sicker. I suppose that is why doctors once prescribed opioids as antidepressants (pre 1930s era) because they knew how happiness is a prerequisite to not only mental but also physical health. There was no concept of opioid abuse back then. This idea that opioids are supposed to be used only for physical pain ("it's oooonly made to treat physical pain" the doctor said while adjusting his glasses and feeling as if he just said something very clever) and not also for treating mental/emotional pain is completely arbitrary and makes no sense. Instead they give people tricyclical antidepressants that don't work, giving people a ton of long-lasting side effects for which they need even more medication. This has led to people being overprescribed with drugs they don't really need.

I wish I could do something to help you directly. Maybe teleport you here to Germany where doctors are still humane and care about their patients, but unfortunately that's not possible, so my only advice is to keep cycling through psychiatrists until you have found the right one. This might not be the help you wanted to get, but I just don't know what else I can do. Peoples' struggles here on Bluelight have lately taken a real toll on me for some reason. I didn't use to be so empathic. I think I need a break from this forum for a while. I'm sorry DI88, I really wish I could help you directly in some way. If I was rich I'd direct you to an excellent, private doctor and pay all the bills myself but I'm not unfortunately. Please take care my friend

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

This is something that doctors these days don't seem to understand. A very large part of being a healthy person consists of feeling good, and anything that makes a patient feel less good only makes them sicker. I suppose that is why doctors once prescribed opioids as antidepressants (pre 1930s era) because they knew how happiness is a prerequisite to not only mental but also physical health. There was no concept of opioid abuse back then. This idea that opioids are supposed to be used only for physical pain ("it's oooonly made to treat physical pain" the doctor said while adjusting his glasses and feeling as if he just said something very clever) and not also for treating mental/emotional pain is completely arbitrary and makes no sense. Instead they give people tricyclical antidepressants that don't work, giving people a ton of long-lasting side effects for which they need even more medication. This has led to people being overprescribed with drugs they don't really need.

I wish I could do something to help you directly. Maybe teleport you here to Germany where doctors are still humane and care about their patients, but unfortunately that's not possible, so my only advice is to keep cycling through psychiatrists until you have found the right one. This might not be the help you wanted to get, but I just don't know what else I can do. Peoples' struggles here on Bluelight have lately taken a real toll on me for some reason. I didn't use to be so empathic. I think I need a break from this forum for a while. I'm sorry DI88, I really wish I could help you directly in some way. If I was rich I'd direct you to an excellent, private doctor and pay all the bills myself but I'm not unfortunately. Please take care my friend

I love you my friend! Not in a creepy way, but I definitely felt your empathy in your message.
And I truly appreciate & respect you for that.

You're right about opioids being used for mental illness back in the day. I bring up this point whenever I'm arguing with anti-heroin/opioid freaks on reddit or various sites. lol The masses have been conditioned to believe that opioids are the devil & they serve absolutely no purpose, not even for pain half the time anymore. The USA is hellbent on pushing opioids out of existence here, when they've been absolute wonder drugs for me. I could treat almost all of my mental & physical issues by being on a full agonist opioid.

I've been on Suboxone for 7 years & while it's helpful, it's still just a partial agonist. It's missing it's soul & doesn't have a rounded out feeling like a normal full agonist would. So I still struggle with symptoms. Getting on methadone here is a hassle because you have to go to the clinic every day to take it & that's just not a liable route for me to take. What if it snows & I can't come in to get my dose? What if my car breaks down? Just more arbitrary bullshit that keeps people from being able to access & use these drugs.

So the 2nd best thing in line that would probably help me is a low dose stimulant. And I think all these doctors I've been to over the years know this. Some have even admitted it. But they all refuse to let me have one. Except my suboxone doctor who was gonna let me get on modafinil. But insurance said "you can't have it".


The dumb psychiatrist sent over SEVEN gabapentin to my pharmacy. I normally take 4 a day. So wtf is 7 gonna do?
I went in there in desperate need of help & was judged & basically put into an even worse position & it's just not sitting with me right.

I want to quit all mental health care completely. Cause it's obvious that as long as doctors see I'm on or have been on Suboxone, I will always be treated as scum of the earth.

I ended up writing a message to the psychiatrist's nurse asking her if she knows where my old psyche went or of any different psychiatrists. And then described my experience with the psyche today. She's friends with the psyche too but has always really liked me ever since I started going there. So it'll be interesting to see who's side she'll take.

But how unprofessional to kick somebody off gabapentin cold turkey for absolutely no reason. And then not even help me with the original problems I went in for. She clearly didn't give a flying fuck about my opinion or anything I had to say at this appt. So I guess I'll be scoping out another psyche. I'm just scared of losing my klonopin altogether in the mean time & then my medical cannabis card as well.

I would absolutely love to move to Germany. Or anywhere in Europe really. Or maybe Switzerland. There's so many places that seem like they're way more progressive regarding drugs & health care than the USA will ever be.

Anyway, I'm gonna start rambling again. Will be interesting though to see what the nurse has to say. I wasn't nasty or mean in my message but I sure as hell am gonna stand up for myself. Cause that's bullshit. Wish me luck in that regard though, cause if I lose this psyche & can't get into another one right away. then I guess I can kiss my klonopin goodbye (I fucking hope not).

I appreciate you @Hexenstahl
Definitely take a break if you need too! But make sure to come back! I've always enjoyed seeing you on here! And it's always a pleasure to speak with like-minded & intelligent people!

Cheers!

 

[Hexenstahl]

Will be interesting though to see what the nurse has to say. I wasn't nasty or mean in my message but I sure as hell am gonna stand up for myself. Cause that's bullshit. Wish me luck in that regard though, cause if I lose this psyche & can't get into another one right away. then I guess I can kiss my klonopin goodbye (I fucking hope not).

Definitely keep us up to date my friend!

Definitely take a break if you need too! But make sure to come back!

Heh, I'm already back...I just can't leave y'all alone with your struggles. We need to stick together

P.S.: just wondering, what does gabapentin help you with exactly? Anxiety issues? It makes zero sense to take that med away from you for no reason!!!

 

[Hexenstahl]

I think I know now why I care more about other peoples' issues: since I'm in morphine maintenance my own frantic day-to-day struggle to score heroin has ceased and I suddenly have both the time and energy to help others. I was too absorbed in my own problems before all that. I'm only in maintenance since mid september but it has already changed my life in such a positive way. It's incredible really.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Definitely keep us up to date my friend!


Heh, I'm already back...I just can't leave y'all alone with your struggles. We need to stick together

P.S.: just wondering, what does gabapentin help you with exactly? Anxiety issues? It makes zero sense to take that med away from you for no reason!!!

Your presence is important here!
BL has been a helpful refuge for some dark times & I've met many great people here!
You're right, we all need to stick together on here. It's hard for drug users, especially those with mental health issues to find relatable people.
I get so much judgement from the "professional" world (aka - doctors, therapists, etc..)


I got on gabapentin in about 2021.
I actually was given a huge bottle of it by a family member.
I tried it a few times in the past but didn't care for it much, but this time around when I took it, I suddenly felt energized, creative & all of my muscle pains went away.
But when the bottle ran out, I ended up in withdrawals (which I wasn't really expecting) and worse body pain.
So I mentioned the body pain (usually widespread muscle aches that feel like I've been working out really hard) that I had been dealing with for years to my Suboxone doctor. She said it sounded like fibromyalgia pain & miraculously put me on 600mg (gaba) twice a day.

It continued to help me for several more months after that. Eventually my Suboxone doctor made me find a psychiatrist & the psychiatrist took over my gabapentin (and other meds).

Now a days I don't get much from it & some times it gives me vertigo & motion sickness.
But I definitely don't wanna experience withdrawal from it. Especially so abruptly.
I find it does help some times tho, especially when my suboxone isn't helping with pain. And some days I get little bursts of energy & creativity from my gabapentin, but nothing like it was when I started & definitely not consistent.

This new psyche sent over 7 gabapentin pills. lol I was taking 4 a day for over 3 years, so wtf good is 7 gonna do for me?

I'm pretty sure she thinks I haven't been taking it either, cause she mumbled something at my appt about how I hadn't filled in 2 months... but I dunno where the fuck she got that info from, cause I fill every month & can prove that. I sent a msg to her nurse last night about it. I wasn't nasty or mean but I was stern in the msg. Her nurse has always really adored me & did tell me that if I have problems with the new psyche, to come tell her. So I did. But they're also friends, so it'll be interesting to see who's side she takes.

That's great to hear maintenance has changed your life!
Suboxone did the same for me in the beginning. But I'd still rather be on a full agonist. lol

Yeah definitely never leave @Hexenstahl !!! You have too much wisdom & experience to offer others here! And I enjoy seeing you around!

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Well writing to the nurse last night seemed to help a little.

She showed my msg to the psyche & I guess she was appalled & felt bad. So they called me right away this morning & set up another appt for me for next Wednesday.

So maybe I'll at least get my gabapentin back.

Nurse tried to tell me though that she didn't judge me for being on Suboxone & that there's limitations or laws against prescribing stimulants to suboxone patients. I had to stop her there though because that's actually false. It's completely at the discretion of the doctor. In fact the CDC, NIH & all these other government medical places say that people on Suboxone should NOT be denied access to benzos or stimulants if they truly need them.


So I guess we'll see what next Wednesday brings.

Any advice though if they try telling me again that it's "illegal" to prescribe stimulants to people on Suboxone? I wanna be able to punch back at that statement with some facts or websites or something to show that it's not true & that people on Suboxone can actually benefit from low doses of stimulants.


I'm gonna be nervous & embarrassed as fuck though to go see this woman again next week.

 

[Hexenstahl]

Any advice though if they try telling me again that it's "illegal" to prescribe stimulants to people on Suboxone?

If your doc tells you this utter nonsense of it being illegal to prescribe stimulants to suboxone patients, show her this:
https://www.hmpgloballearningnetwor...ing-stimulants-patients-suboxone-or-methadone

"While all this may sound like “a lot of work,” stimulants can be hugely helpful even in such complex patients. Hence, this extra effort may really help you further improve the quality of the patient’s life."

So stims can be prescribed to some suboxone patients which wouldn't be the case if it was illegal.

Btw, I just read this article: https://www.npr.org/sections/health...556/dea-suboxone-subutex-pharmacies-addiction
Why the hell is the DEA raiding pharmacies that dispense OUD medication? This criminal organisation contributes to the opioid "epidemic" and not the pharmacies who are just trying to help. These cases will either scare other pharmacists from dispensing OUD medication at all, or they will limit their suboxone inventory out of fear from losing their license like it happened to Njoku. The net result is that addicts will have to either drive longer and longer distances to find a pharmacy that does dispense, or go back to their old, destructive lifestyle.
Actions like the ones committed by the DEA would be an absolute impossibility here in Germany. They would get sued to oblivion by the people for unlawful seizure of essential medication and if that kind of action would have lead to even one single addict entering into withdrawal they would get sued for bodily harm on top of that BY THE DOCTORS! Assholes! The lot of them!

 

[cdin]

I'm in the USA here.

As far as I know, there aren't any laws prohibiting being prescribed both at the same time.
There's plenty of people on here who are on suboxone, adderall & benzos.
I also know some one who's on hydros, benzos & ritalin.

I believe here in the US, it's completely at the doctors discretion. A lot of our medical literature here on government websites even says patients on suboxone shouldn't be denied access to benzos & stimulant drugs if they have conditions that require them. Unfortunately there's still a lot of bias & stigma in the medical community. Now if a doctor has a ton of patients all on a shit ton of controlled substances, then yes, I think they might be watched a little harder by the DEA or something. But there's nothing illegal about prescribing people multiple controlled substances. But people (and society in general)'s consensus on this is that we shouldn't allow people to do it. Which is bullshit if you ask me & nobody's business what I need/want or take for myself.


You're right about trying to stick with the same doctor too. I agree.
I've been with my sub doc for 7 years now & I love that woman honestly. She use to prescribe all my mental health meds too until I couldn't handle SSRI's and antipsychotics anymore. And then she strangely said she wasn't a mental health care doctor & that I needed to get a "real one" after like 5 years of going to her. So I don't know what that was all about. If she's not a "mental health care" provider, then how was she able to prescribe my klonopin, gabapentin & all my other psychiatric meds for years? lol I dunno.


Medical cannabis is another issue I'm about to run into.
I have to re-apply for my state card by December. And in order to do so, I have to see a physician at one of these weed clinics again.
My original psyche that I had a year ago is the one who helped me kind of get in. Cause for the weed pysichians here, all they need is some kind of notes from one of your doctors stating that you've experienced pain or nausea. And my psyche sent over her notes talking about how I mentioned having fibromyalgia-like chronic pain & nausea from meds. And that got me approved for medical cannabis. But then that psyche up & took a different job. So now when I go to reapply, I'm not sure if this new anti-drug psyche is gonna have any notes about my pain or nausea. And I completely forgot to ask her about it today because I was just so awe struck that I was being judged for being on suboxone & not being given anything to help me.

So not only did I not get any help today for my problems, but now I have to find the energy & motivation to make this appt for the weed clinic (ontop of the other 50 appts I need to make) and might possibly lose my medical card next if I don't have any records to show them. I meant to ask the psyche today if she still had all the other psyches notes, so that I could use those, but completely forgot.

I'm still pretty upset about it at the moment. I don't see how these people don't see all the irony in this.

Hell, she didn't even have to give me a stimulant. She could have absolutely prescribed me Straterra (and she mentioned some other non-stimulant drug too) & I would have given it a try. Cause I am at my wits end & absolutely ready to try something. I have 25+ experience with illict drugs & most psychiatric drugs though, so I kinda know what's gonna help me & what won't. But I've never had the chance to try shit like Straterra. All I give a shit about is if it helps me with my motivation & energy levels.

There was something else I wanted to mention, but I completely forgot it now & feel like I'm rambling on a lot.

I honestly have no idea if my issue is ADHD or not.
I'm not a hyper person at all. I'm actually very chill & quiet. Possibly too quiet.

- I do a lot of daydreaming that I can't control (it's part of why I dropped out of school at 16)
- And I procrastinate on any & everything that causes me anxiety or stresses me out
- Even if it's important shit (like having holes in my teeth waiting to be infected any minute)
- I always tell myself "well maybe I'll feel better tomorrow & I'll do it then".
- But I never feel better the next day, so I just continue to justify putting everything off as long as I can.
- From past experience with stims, low doses tend to enhance my mood, calm me & even reduce my anxiety. But obviously if I try to get high on them or abuse them or if it's methamphetamine, then I am prone to a lot of anxiety from it. Which is another issues doctors like to use. That because I have severe anxiety that I can't handle stimulants. And they're only partially right, because low doses of stimulants eradicate my anxiety & self consciousness.
- I have no energy, motivation or drive.
- And speaking of drive, I absolutely hate doing anything that requires me to focus & pay attention, like driving. Cause it gives me anxiety to be basically be maneuvering a giant death box on wheels while not being able to concentrate or accidentally zoning out too long & running a stop light.
- When I do accomplish things (like this weekend I took a long ass walk), I don't feel like I get a dopamine reward from my brain for it. Like normal people feel good after doing something, so it makes them want to do it again. I however just go right back to feeling shitty & unmotivated. And it's ruining my life.

I dunno exactly what it is because these idiot psychiatrists never think to give me any ADD/ADHD testing. But does this sound like ADHD? (genuine question, not rhetorical). I've never really been hyper or hyperactive. When I have to interact with people, I tend to ramble so much that I stumble over myself & people think I'mm manic, but whether that's cause of my anxiety or ADHD, I dunno. I've always assumed maybe it was depression or chronic fatigue causing me these issues & it could be.

Doctors can technically prescribe generic amphetamine & methylphenidate off-label for depression symptoms too. It's not super common but I don't think there's any laws against it.

I feel like she'll probably come for my klonopin next since she "hates" benzos. So I might have to try doing some looking around. Although I'm gonna be terrified I end up cut off from my klonopin in between finding somebody else.


Completely frustrated & exhausted. I'm not even 40 yet & I feel like I can't even take care of myself anymore.
And I've had my testosterone checked even too (and it was normal, actually higher than normal, thus making me bald already & giving me acne breakouts).
I dunno what to do anymore. And it's obvious the medical system was designed to rake in profits without actually helping people.

Oh yeah, I remember now what I was gonna mention.
They do Sprovato treatments (esketamine) at this clinic, which I was interested in maybe trying for my depression.
But in order to do it, you have to take it front of the psychiatrist, sit there for several hours while it wears off & then it's required that some one else drives you home. So again, another treatment I can't access due to all the ridiculous and arbitrary barriers involved.

Pfft & even if I do finally muster up the energy & courage to make that dentist appt, I'm sure every place I call is gonna say "Oh sorry, we're not taking anymore medicaid patients..... so just go get infected & die for all we care (they don't say this part obviously lol)" Actually this happened two weeks ago when I finally tried to make an appt. Which just discouraged me even further.
FML

I'm completely doomed I think. I even told my psychiatrist that i feel like I'm just doomed on this medical merry go round then & will never get any actual help & she just basically nodded & agreed with me. Like wtf.

Thank you all for talking with me. I feel like I'm in a state of shock, got a hardcore stare going on cause I just can't believe my psychiatrist made me feel that way today when I had been waiting for this appt & desperately needing help. Complete bullshit.

Rx guidelines have been reworked severely over the last few years. Very few doctors will take legacy patients w rxes like you prescribe and almost no one will instantiate a new long term benzo rx,
let alone one with stimulants and opioids as well. While a few people may still have those legacy scripts going, they are being picked off one retirement at a time.

The doctors are having EXTREME pressure put on them on the back end by the DEA, pharmacists and everyone else threatening their licenses and questioning every

If your doc tells you this utter nonsense of it being illegal to prescribe stimulants to suboxone patients, show her this:
https://www.hmpgloballearningnetwor...ing-stimulants-patients-suboxone-or-methadone

"While all this may sound like “a lot of work,” stimulants can be hugely helpful even in such complex patients. Hence, this extra effort may really help you further improve the quality of the patient’s life."

So stims are prescribed to some suboxone patients which wouldn't be the case if it was illegal.

Btw, I just read this article: https://www.npr.org/sections/health...556/dea-suboxone-subutex-pharmacies-addiction
Why the hell is the DEA raiding pharmacies that dispense OUD medication? This criminal organisation contributes to the opioid "epidemic" and not the pharmacies who are just trying to help. These cases will either scare other pharmacists from dispensing OUD medication at all, or they will limit their suboxone inventory out of fear from losing their license like it happened to Njoku. The net result is that addicts will have to either drive longer and longer distances to find a pharmacy that does dispense, or go back to their old, destructive lifestyle.
Actions like the ones committed by the DEA would be an absolute impossibility here in Germany. They would get sued to oblivion by the people for unlawful seizure of essential medication and if that kind of action would have lead to even one single addict entering into withdrawal they would get sued for bodily harm on top of that BY THE DOCTORS! Assholes! The lot of them!

not only raids but also coming after licenses of individual providers that cross some nebulous threshold of “too many rxes” which has made our docs loathe to prescribe ANY

 

[cdin]

Rx guidelines have been reworked severely over the last few years. Very few doctors will take legacy patients w rxes like you prescribe and almost no one will instantiate a new long term benzo rx,
let alone one with stimulants and opioids as well. While a few people may still have those legacy scripts going, they are being picked off one retirement at a time.

The doctors are having EXTREME pressure put on them on the back end by the DEA, pharmacists and everyone else threatening their licenses and questioning every

not only raids but also coming after licenses of individual providers that cross some nebulous threshold of “too many rxes” which has made our docs loathe to prescribe ANY

yes, that's what i meant by "EXTREME pressure".

 

[Hexenstahl]

- I do a lot of daydreaming that I can't control (it's part of why I dropped out of school at 16)
- And I procrastinate on any & everything that causes me anxiety or stresses me out
- Even if it's important shit (like having holes in my teeth waiting to be infected any minute)
- I always tell myself "well maybe I'll feel better tomorrow & I'll do it then".
- But I never feel better the next day, so I just continue to justify putting everything off as long as I can.
- From past experience with stims, low doses tend to enhance my mood, calm me & even reduce my anxiety. But obviously if I try to get high on them or abuse them or if it's methamphetamine, then I am prone to a lot of anxiety from it. Which is another issues doctors like to use. That because I have severe anxiety that I can't handle stimulants. And they're only partially right, because low doses of stimulants eradicate my anxiety & self consciousness.
- I have no energy, motivation or drive.
- And speaking of drive, I absolutely hate doing anything that requires me to focus & pay attention, like driving. Cause it gives me anxiety to be basically be maneuvering a giant death box on wheels while not being able to concentrate or accidentally zoning out too long & running a stop light.
- When I do accomplish things (like this weekend I took a long ass walk), I don't feel like I get a dopamine reward from my brain for it. Like normal people feel good after doing something, so it makes them want to do it again. I however just go right back to feeling shitty & unmotivated. And it's ruining my life.

I completely oversaw this post of yours. It's CRAZY how much we have in common! Not all of it applies to me, but most of it does. I love reading textbooks actually. I love educating myself and intellectually growing (I have a huuuge library at home. A room just for my books that I have collected over the years since I can read), but it has been ages since I mustered up the energy and motivation to pick up one of my many books. They're just collecting dust by now which is a shame. There is so much stuff I wanna do but I just can't get myself to do it. I'm just wasting time all day. Wake up, go to the clinic and swallow my morph pills, come home, I wanna read something or continue producing electronic music in FL Studio but somehow end up playing World of Warcraft all day long...oh it's 2am. Gotta catch a few hours of sleep (I'm chronically tired because of this). Now rinse and repeat. This has been going on for far too long and I feel like I'm wasting so much potential that I have.

Getting on methadone here is a hassle because you have to go to the clinic every day to take it & that's just not a liable route for me to take

Don't you get a take home script after you show up for like half a year or so? At least that's how it works over here. See that's the cool thing here. I can choose my substitute. I came in the first day all jittery and nervous and my doc was like: "all right Hexenstahl, so we got boring Subs, good ol' Morphine, nasty side effect prone Methadone, nice-and-clean Levomethadone, and in case all of these medications suck for you, I can put you in the sweet diamorphine program (pharma heroin in the form of an injectable solution) where you can FUCKING slam dat shit my dear biatch. So, what shall we do?". Ofc he didn't phrase it that way lol, but that was essentially his message. He knew I was scared and immediately put me at ease. Where I am, the patient decides what he gets, and every day I show up my doc (who is a wonderful person and looks like Sigmund Freud btw) asks me if my dose was enough to make me FEEL GOOD because he is insightful enough to realize that we addicts need to be satiated opioid wise in order to not relapse. He is totally okay that I like to not just keep wd at bay, but also feel a buzz. It's the openness and honesty, the acceptance and tolerance that I love so much about the medical system here. I can sleep well at night, knowing that my doctor got my back and doesn't try to screw me over.

You know, I always loved visiting my aunt in the US. I like the people, the country and many other things (the awesome burgers at Wendy's lol) but what always scared me from immigrating into the US was how inhumanely the system treats addicts and how profit is put before everything and everyone else. Sure, our system is profit driven too, but there is a limit, a line that you cannot cross. You get charged for the most ridiculous shit in the US when going to the hospital or visiting a doctor. The US is in some aspects like a third world country...in some cases I think even worse. I have heard from someone that opioid addicts in Iran get treated better in methadone clinics than in the US. Pain medicine has become so overregulated, that most people who actually need opioids for their chronic pain don't even get it. I recently heard of a case where someone had to go to a methadone clinic in order to get opioids for his PAIN because his doctor refused to prescribe him oxy or morphine, or even something like Codein or Tramadol, just to see if it helps just enough with his pain so he can actually live life. That totally shocked me! It is infuriating! I don't even know what to say! These kind of things always scared me from seeking a job in america and finally move over to you guys. It's only a country for the rich. Always wanted to buy a home somewhere in California (I have fond memories of Santa Barbara where I was a couple of times as a kid).
I don't know who said it but the saying goes like this: "it's called the american dream because you gotta be asleep to believe it". Lol, truer words haven't been spoken.
I really hope things eventually change there in my lifetime. Would really love to see all the pressure being taken away from you guys. Who knows, maybe we'll eventually meet up together and celebrate that event (I'll make sure to bring our legendary german beer with me ). I like to remain hopeful, even though I have a pessimistic nature.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

It's insane to me your doc apparently cares more about how 'sober' you are than about how mentally and physically well you are. That's fucked.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I completely oversaw this post of yours. It's CRAZY how much we have in common! Not all of it applies to me, but most of it does. I love reading textbooks actually. I love educating myself and intellectually growing (I have a huuuge library at home. A room just for my books that I have collected over the years since I can read), but it has been ages since I mustered up the energy and motivation to pick up one of my many books. They're just collecting dust by now which is a shame. There is so much stuff I wanna do but I just can't get myself to do it. I'm just wasting time all day. Wake up, go to the clinic and swallow my morph pills, come home, I wanna read something or continue producing electronic music in FL Studio but somehow end up playing World of Warcraft all day long...oh it's 2am. Gotta catch a few hours of sleep (I'm chronically tired because of this). Now rinse and repeat. This has been going on for far too long and I feel like I'm wasting so much potential that I have.



Don't you get a take home script after you show up for like half a year or so? At least that's how it works over here. See that's the cool thing here. I can choose my substitute. I came in the first day all jittery and nervous and my doc was like: "all right Hexenstahl, so we got boring Subs, good ol' Morphine, nasty side effect Methadone, nice-and-clean Levomethadone, and in case all of these medications suck for you, I can put you in the sweet diamorphine program (pharma heroin in the form of an injectable solution) where you can FUCKING slam dat shit my dear biatch. So, what shall we do?". Ofc he didn't phrase it that way lol, but that was essentially his message. He knew I was scared and immediately put me at ease. Where I am, the patient decides what he gets, and every day I show up my doc (who is a wonderful person and looks like Sigmund Freud btw) asks me if my dose was enough to make me FEEL GOOD because he is insightful enough to realize that we addicts need to be satiated opioid wise in order to not relapse. He is totally okay that I like to not just keep wd at bay, but also feel a buzz. It's the openness and honesty, the acceptance and tolerance that I love so much about the medical system here. I can sleep well at night, knowing that my doctor got my back and doesn't try to screw me over.

You know, I always loved visiting my aunt in the US. I like the people, the country and many other things (the awesome burgers at Wendy's lol) but what always scared me from immigrating into the US was how inhumanely the system treats addicts and how profit is put before everything and everyone else. Sure, our system is profit driven too, but there is a limit, a line that you cannot cross. You get charged for the most ridiculous shit in the US when going to the hospital or visiting a doctor. The US is in some aspects like a third world country...in some cases I think even worse. I have heard from someone that opioid addicts in Iran get treated better in methadone clinics than in the US. Pain medicine has become so overregulated, that most people who actually need opioids for their chronic pain don't even get it. I recently heard of a case where someone had to go to a methadone clinic in order to get opioids for his PAIN because his doctor refused to prescribe him oxy or morphine, or even something like Codein or Tramadol, just to see if it helps just enough with his pain so he can actually live life. That totally shocked me! It is infuriating! I don't even know what to say! These kind of things always scared me from seeking a job in america and finally move over to you guys. It's only a country for the rich. Always wanted to buy a home somewhere in California (I have fond memories of Santa Barbara where I was a couple of times as a kid).
I don't know who said it but the saying goes like this: "it's called the american dream because you gotta be asleep to believe it". Lol, truer words haven't been spoken.
I really hope things eventually change there in my lifetime. Would really love to see all the pressure being taken away from you guys. Who knows, maybe we'll eventually meet up together and celebrate that event (I'll make sure to bring our legendary german beer with me ). I like to remain hopeful, even though I have a pessimistic nature.

Heck, whereabouts in Germany are you?! Or has the treatment protocol changed THAT much since the last time I lived there? I got absolutely zero choice in my sub. It was 'here's your methadone'. And I definitely wasn't supposed to be feeling 'good' on it. Just simply not go into withdrawal.

 

[Hexenstahl]

It's insane to me your doc apparently cares more about how 'sober' you are than about how mentally and physically well you are. That's fucked.

Welcome to 'murica.

Heck, whereabouts in Germany are you?! Or has the treatment protocol changed THAT much since the last time I lived there? I got absolutely zero choice in my sub. It was 'here's your methadone'.

A SHITTON has changed actually since the rules of 2017 were revised. Also, a lot depends on the discretion of the individual doctor. Many people are unaware that doctors in Germany have actually more power than a judge in certain regards.

Here, the rules and regulations of substitution in Germany:

https://www.bundesaerztekammer.de/fileadmin/user_upload/BAEK/Themen/Public_Health/Richtlinien/Richtlinie-BAEK-Substitution_16.02.2023.pdf

"Bei gleichwertigen Substitutionsmitteln soll die Patientenpräferenz Berücksichtigung finden, da hierdurch die Behandlungsadhärenz verbessert werden kann."

Translation: "In case of homologous substitution agents, the patient's preference shall be considered since the adherence to the goals of therapy can be increased thereby."

And that is only one of the many changes. The doctor MUST therefore take his patient's wishes serious when it comes to what OUD medication he/she wants. He is legally obligated to and can be actually sued if he doesn't.

And I definitely wasn't supposed to be feeling 'good' on it. Just simply not go into withdrawal.

This depends a lot on the doctor's personal philosophy. Some doctors ofc only give you so much so you don't feel any wd, but you can always pretend to be in slight wd for not having enough and the doctor then MUST increase the dose to make you feel "normal". There is no way for a doctor to actually check whether or not you had enough, so if 80mg methadone is actually enough to kill off wd, you can always pretend that it's not enough (oh god, doctor I always wake up in the morning already in slight wd, just look at my rls, I'm also having anxiety. It's sooo terrible ) and he'll then increase the dose to 90mg and you get high.
However, most doctors here in Germany ask the patient if he needs more. This whole "here is your methadone, now fuck off" era is long gone. Even if the doctor's personal addiction philosophy is contrary to that progressive attitude, the rules have changed in 2017 and they have to comply.
Luckily, my doctor is one of the many progressive ones and not only lets you choose your dose but also which substitute you want. Germany's awesome