Truer words have never been spoken, or rather typed. The battle after the battle is the part I'm most dreading too. History has shown I'm not so good at fighting it, especially in the long term. Hope we both have good luck with it when we get there.
Thank god you understand! I think this is when the mental illness part comes in play. This is when I need to completely change my life! Supporrt groups, job, being active in something, helping others. It is not easy and overwhelming to think about. This is when relapse is inevitable for me when I don't make a COMPLETE life change. I just don't want to end up in some shirty halfway house with a dead end job. Now that's depressing!
I do/did drugs for a reason. And that's to be comfterble with myself. When all chemicals are gone no matter what it is, I have to face myself. A college drop out, felon, 29 yr old single male with bad credit. Idk how I can live with myself and fix my life. Although drugs didn't solve the problem, it made me comfortable with what I have on my back. If I had a clear cut answer on what to do, I would do it in a heartbeat. But fixing the wreckage of my past is complex. Don't know where to start, don't know if it will improve. I pray every day that my outlook will change, I tend to lose faith.
The position I'm in is my main cause of being depressed. Feeling hopeless of my future because of my past. Getting out of bed in the morning seems pointless. Thinking of my future makes me anxious and depressed. Then drugs come into play, making a bigger hole. Yea, using lope/dope/pharms gave me the ability to look in the mirror and walk outside, but then adding the addict life to this takes a toll with money and resources.
I know the only way out is with a clear mind and no chemicals. I'm not asking to be rich or successful. But just want to be happy. I want to work hard, have a love life, be active in AA, eventually go to school. Even then I have a criminal backround, so I need to focus on a career that will accept my past. I pray that god will help us all.
