I'm back. And I gotta say, I still have a psychological addiction to this chemical.
I know. It's rather silly to be addicted to Methoxetamine. Physically, I have no withdrawals symptoms. As for negative side effects, the worst I've noticed is slight bladder pains, but they are so, so slight that I wouldn't even consider them problematic. I've had much worse from .4 of Ketamine, compared to the grams of MxE I've gone through since I started using. The only other unwanted side effect, is my nose is beginning to hurt more and more, my sense of smell is diminishing. My only route of usage, thus far, has been snorting. I've received 3 different batches, all from the same vendor. 3 different batches, in that they are 3 different kinds of MxE. All 3 have been very smooth upon snorting them. However, lately, I feel my nose lining is deteriorating, as the more I snort, the more it hurts. This can not be a good sign.
My biggest problem is not these effects. It is my psychological addiction. I simply can not go a day without using. I simply can not wake up, and not take a small bump. This entire week, I've told myself "Okay, let's start small. One single day, with no substances. Just to give my body a day of recovery". But I've yet to do so. Every day, for the past week, I've woken up and told myself "Not today", only to end up telling myself "Okay, one small bump", which eventually leads to me using up to 200mg a day.
I woke up today, planning on not using anything. Nothing. I want to cleanse my body for a day of all substances. However, one of my baggies broke open, spilling 200mg onto my table. Instead of simply putting it back into a new baggie, I said fuck it and railed the entire 200mg. I also popped 2.5mg of Diazepam to ease anxiety from breaking my promise to myself.
This is becoming a problem. I have access to this substance. Cheap, and I can receive it within 2 days upon ordering. It's really quite scary. It's so cheap, that I don't care to use any other substance. Simply, if I could use this for the rest of my life, I would. And as I write this, as I begin to fall into an M-hole, I wonder...what am I doing with myself? When will the cycle end. I just want a single day without MxE.
I even ordered 2 more grams yesterday as I am running out. I went through 6 entire grams in a matter of 2 weeks. Not all to myself. At least 2.5 Grams went to friends. I simply can not stop using this substance. It's too much for me. I feel I keep ordering in fear of it being banned. I want to order as much as possible before it is banned, and save it for years, but I can't stop using it.
What I want to do is save as much as possible. Store it away. and take it out once it's banned, long gone. But I doubt that will ever happen...I'd love to store some away for years, and bring it back out after it's long gone.
Madness...this substance is causing madness.
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