okay, took 350 mics at 10:45am
HOLY SHIT, this drug has some crazy to it. I was shown EXACTLY why governments would want to keep something like this out of people's hands.
I was shown that depending on what role we accept, all existence can be a big jerk off, or something incredibliy beautiful, and the only difference between the two completely disparate ways of being is which role we choose to adopt, and ALL roles are ours for the playing if we only have eyes to see it. This is not making a lot of sense, but bear with me. I was shown all these concepts, and the differnece between consciousness and rote playback, like some large simulacrum of the universe and the actual universe, is that there is a spark of the divine in the latter which can not be duplicated. So I foundered as a ungrounded mote of consciousness without an ego, with thoughts of SDF Macross playing in my head as a backdrop as I tried to make sense of the universe and find out if this was the actual universe, or some kind of simulation being played out for some unknown reason at some unknown point in time after the collapse of the original universe that originally held us all. So I was feeling the fear all of a sudden, I felt cut off from anything, set adrift and dying and none of my sensory input was making any sense, concepts and words and feelings were all mixing into some kind of sensory soup of meaning and memory. I was feeling very fragile while strange and confusing trip things were happening and my mind was trying to digest this soup of all this sensory input mixed with ideas, concepts, plans and the rest of the detritus making up the human experience, all blended into a slurry and mixed together in ways you would never think possible. I felt so vulnerable and confused, I found my way upstairs looking for any of my housemates, just any other human to interact with. When no one was home I drew a bath and watched the hot and cold water fronts move about each other and cause eddies and currents. The hot water was orange and the cold blue, and when I closed my eyes the universe was a repeating kaleidascope of square pictures, filled with what looked like DNA helixes of all the most incredible colors that have ever been imagined or beheld. I was still unmoored, and realized that if I was strong enough to exist like that, in this state, then I could choose the role I wanted to play, that it was literally as simple as choosing my reality and it could be mine to live, reality is totally malleable. But this is a large responsibility. To choose your own reality or role means that other things exist relying on YOU as a primary reference for their existence, you are basically God to your own reality if you are strong enough to live in the limitless eternity of this limbo headspace. So I thought to myself, 'I could be God, there is a job opening of sorts here for those with the right kind of soul eyes to see it'. But it was just too much responsibility, I am not even a fraction strong enough to contend with being a primary reference point for external ideas and entities. You have to be able to make your own reality, and I seem to be moored to strongly to this one to make a clean break with it or to tread wholly unfamiliar places of the mind or spirit- my mind recoils from it as if stung or burned: it is just too foreign and strange to normal every day human sensibilities. Anyways, the point that I took away is that what we believe is reality, and if you have enough reality you can serve as a mooring point for other external concepts, ideas, and entitites in the same way that God does so for us every moment that we are aware of ourselves as human beings.
The difference between a cosmic jerk off and things of such beauty and substance that it gives all other things meaning is a spark of the divine- and we need to tend that spark lest it fade away.
This is not making much sense, still. I am just trying to get this down while I remember it.
Objectively, there were far less visuals than I would have expected for a dose of LSD that would provoke such a profound and reality re-defining head-trip as this. I plan to take AL-LAD tomorrow in an attempt to see if rumours of absence of cross tolerance are indeed true or not.
The wanderlust took me to the outdoors after my peak, and I found my way to a beautiful pond and watched the geese and fully appreciated the beauty of being a living thing on earth at this time, and I wept tears of unbridled joy at the fact that I was lucky enough to be here at this moment, seeing the world as it truly was on this day, the sky a blue within blue, the colors of the landscape seeming to swim up my optic nerve and light a freezing cold fire in my brain of pure pleasure at these incredible colors.
There was no patterning, no visuals other than some tracers after objects moving by, things just were as they were, but I was able to see the exquisite beauty of this pond, of the sky, of the animals, of the grass, as if I were a newborn seeing the world for the first time. And MY GOD! It was so fucking beautiful I could not stifle the sobs of pure relieved happiness that although I had feared otherwise, life was something beautiful and clean and bright, possessed of such exquisite REALNESS.
I am so grateful just to be alive, just to be extant in the universe we share that everything else is gravy. None of my problems seem to matter any more in light of the fact that I am So damned lucky just to be a living human being with the ability to do and experience things in this shared reality we all are interacting in.
I love all of you.
