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motiv311 said:
damn it seems like when you get sober is when you start to see all your other problems.... I hate cleaning my house, I'm getting fat, I watch to much TV and I fantasize about drugs multiple times a day.... I know I shouldn't , but its taking everything I have in me to keep from calling the doctor and ordering up some Adderall and klonopin scripts. . .
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I dunno, I actually have been liking myself more and more since stopping using drugs. If anything I was more focused on my problems when I was doing lots of drugs all the time, some of which weren't even "real problems" (i.e. I had created the situation for myself and had a large degree of control over the problem in question, should I have chosen to exercise that control).
 
Hey all, new to this site with very few post. I'm a recovering heroin & crack addict from Vancouver, BC. Got clean in Florida and am proud to say this upcoming August 31 will be three years! Getting clean was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Period. It's also been the greatest journey I've yet to experience, and I don't recall this magnitude of happiness since i was a child. I've recently been falling away from NA meetings (about one a week) and am beginning to have thoughts of not needing it. It has helped me so much, but I've just tired of going to so many meetings and hearing the language of "the rooms" all the time. I know this is a dangerous road, and I'm hanging on, but I really am losing interest in the program. I'm back at school pursuing a bachelors, I've lost over 80lbs (i was that very rare, fat, Chris Farley type of junkie lo)l , and have an amazing girlfriend of 2 years as well. All these wonderful things sometimes make me forget what I used to be and do. If anyone has any experience with this I'd love to hear your words!
 
motiv311 said:
damn it seems like when you get sober is when you start to see all your other problems.... I hate cleaning my house, I'm getting fat, I watch to much TV and I fantasize about drugs multiple times a day.... I know I shouldn't , but its taking everything I have in me to keep from calling the doctor and ordering up some Adderall and klonopin scripts. . .
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Man, I wish those were my problems lol. Seriously though, cravings suck and you realize the extent of your problems in early recovery which only makes it more difficult. Try not to focus on everything at one time or you'll get overwhelmed. Tackle one issue at a time. When you're working on a task, only think about that task...break it into steps if you have to and only think about the step your actively working on. Get on a regular schedule, force yourself to exercise for an hour a day, even if it's walking. Try your best to eat clean - it does make a difference. Be kind to yourself - don't set unreasonable goals or expectations early on - you primary concern is getting through PAWS and staying sober.

Problems suck, you had when you were using and you'll have them sober, but you can deal with them so much better sober. The first six months are the hardest. When you feel low just keep in mind these feelings are temporary. If you get the scripts eventually you'll be back to where you are now, but you'll have to go through hassle of getting clean again, and the more you relapse on benzos the worse the withdrawal will be next time around. Get yourself so good kava extract - it almost feels like a benzo and help with anxiety. I use the extra stength version that Gaia puts out. Keep up the good work and stay strong!
 
vancity said:
Hey all, new to this site with very few post. I'm a recovering heroin & crack addict from Vancouver, BC. Got clean in Florida and am proud to say this upcoming August 31 will be three years! Getting clean was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Period. It's also been the greatest journey I've yet to experience, and I don't recall this magnitude of happiness since i was a child. I've recently been falling away from NA meetings (about one a week) and am beginning to have thoughts of not needing it. It has helped me so much, but I've just tired of going to so many meetings and hearing the language of "the rooms" all the time. I know this is a dangerous road, and I'm hanging on, but I really am losing interest in the program. I'm back at school pursuing a bachelors, I've lost over 80lbs (i was that very rare, fat, Chris Farley type of junkie lo)l , and have an amazing girlfriend of 2 years as well. All these wonderful things sometimes make me forget what I used to be and do. If anyone has any experience with this I'd love to hear your words!
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Kudos on your three years! That's great!!! About the meetings - stopping them does not automatically mean you'll relapse. I was very active in AA and decided to quit because I felt they were holding me back. My addiction was a time in my life, not my life. I didn't want my entire identity to focus around addiction. I quit a few months out of rehab - though I went for years prior. I have over two years clean now, and no thoughts or cravings to use. There are options other than meetings. You have to do what's best for you. It's okay for you to move on with your life - you are more than you're addiction. Best wishes!
 
Moreaux said:
Kudos on your three years! That's great!!! About the meetings - stopping them does not automatically mean you'll relapse. I was very active in AA and decided to quit because I felt they were holding me back. My addiction was a time in my life, not my life. I didn't want my entire identity to focus around addiction. I quit a few months out of rehab - though I went for years prior. I have over two years clean now, and no thoughts or cravings to use. There are options other than meetings. You have to do what's best for you. It's okay for you to move on with your life - you are more than you're addiction. Best wishes!
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I feel this way as well. In the rooms they make you feel as though the only thing keeping you sober is the grace god....*ahem* a higher power 8) and the fact you go to meetings everyday. If that was the truth why is the success rate so low? What you need to do van is find what works for you. Do not always listen to the musings of others, rather listen to what is in your heart and mind and follow it. I am not saying there is not some good things you can learn in NA or AA, just take them and keep it moving in the right direction.
 
thanks for the words guys, couldn't agree more with you. However, it just sucks because people are soooooo insistent on the fact that I'm "heading towards relapse" when I speak of this. Bottom line, I just am not into the 12-step life. I'm just. sick. of it.!!! lol
 
vancity said:
thanks for the words guys, couldn't agree more with you. However, it just sucks because people are soooooo insistent on the fact that I'm "heading towards relapse" when I speak of this. Bottom line, I just am not into the 12-step life. I'm just. sick. of it.!!! lol
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I don't believe in the steps for myself either.

It's just one of many tools out there to help us.

I am glad that the steps do help some people though and I respect everyone's path to recovery.
 
I agree CH. I'm not in the program anymore but the steps helped me out a lot. Well, some did like amends and confession step. I also respect everyone's path y recovery.
 
There is only two really good steps out of twelve. Make a fearless soul searching moral inventory, and help other addicts when you can.

The rest is a bunch of stuff that most people do not need.
 
I think ifbpeople can stick it around and make it to 12 it's the most rewarding step. To get to help someone who was just like you a year ago brings tears to my eyes. I've been on many 12th step calls and they were great but to talk to someone their first meeting and having one and one with them and you see them yhem keep coming back and getting healthier it's a wonderful feeling. That's what I was seeking, that and a sponsor and it's justvthevsame 20 people every meeting. Oh well, I got out of it what I wanted. I am going tomorrow bc my best friend in the rooms is speaking. He's like my Yoda. I'm looking forestd to it. Take care
 
closeau said:
I think ifbpeople can stick it around and make it to 12 it's the most rewarding step. To get to help someone who was just like you a year ago brings tears to my eyes. I've been on many 12th step calls and they were great but to talk to someone their first meeting and having one and one with them and you see them yhem keep coming back and getting healthier it's a wonderful feeling. That's what I was seeking, that and a sponsor and it's justvthevsame 20 people every meeting. Oh well, I got out of it what I wanted. I am going tomorrow bc my best friend in the rooms is speaking. He's like my Yoda. I'm looking forestd to it. Take care
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I really found the step work helpful in life in general - it really caused me to become a much better person. I had become emotionally void and bitter during my addiction, and was pretty callous and selfish. Of course, at the time I didn't see that, and didn't understand why people didn't want to be around me which just made more resentful. When I started doing step work I realized how awful I treated people. It didn't help me restore any lost relationships, which of the situation was reversed I wouldn't want some like that in my life either so no second chances, but i am much more aware how I treat people now. It also had an impact on how I treat myself, as I no longer hold myself to unrealistic expectations. I think most people could benefit from step work as applied to life in general and not just substance.

I do miss the community and working with other people since I left AA. I had a wonderful home group in Jacksonville, but since moving to Wilmington I haven't found one where I fit in. We have a huge substance abuse community down here. Many times there are people who attend meetings because of court - they have no desire to be there so they talk on the phone etc and it's too frustrating to deal with. The group geared toward older people are very strict. They meet three times a day and if you don't make all meetings every day they treat you like you're relapsing and you're not part of the group :/

I'm thinking about becoming a sober companion and getting certified so I can still work closely with people without the stress of the meetings. I'm doing some of the classes now - but the main one I need for certification is going to be held in Wilmington while I'm on vacation - I'm so torn. I am desparate for a vacation but really want to do the class. However, I can't reschedule the vacation and I don't know when I'll get another opportunity. I haven't left the house over night in three years, and mentally really need a break. Decisions decisions...
 
The thing is, based on genetics and how we were "raised," we all have these certain holes within us by what we crave, what we desire and what we are averse to. For success in recovery, early or late, makes no different when, any present moment will do, find something you love that is healthy. Invest in it. Watch it grow. Speak kindly to it, touch it tenderly, love your creation. Such projects, which themselves stem from your true (as in not conditioned) passions, are what fills the wholes we grow up to have that need to be filled for us to become complete beings.

That's basically my take on the subject :) 12 Step stuff has a lot to offer, but it certainly DOES NOT have any monopoly on recovery - and to be clear I don't see anyone here say it does, I just wanted to be clear. Please don't start a flaming war over this comment, it will be taken very seriously. After all, the 12 Step stuff has A LOT to offer the Recovery Community, but it in and of itself is not THE Recovery Community. I can name a handful of alternatives that comes to mind, but I won't publicly. PM if interested.
 
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I know, that bit of knowledge doesn't help everyone as much as it rang true to me. But, then again, we were both kinda tripping ballz yesterday, kinda kinda ;)
 
Yes. People have to remember AS is flawed bc Bill Wilson was deeply disturbed. He was brilliant in his writings and I have all his books but he was an adulterer and was deeply depressed for 12 yrs. he didn't want to be the face of AA. Yeah, him and Dr Bob and the wives used to have siances. It's in him biography by Susan Cheever. Those gold were freaky and all her loyalty to Bill couldn't get her his monogogomy. Hell he even asked for a shot of whiskey on his deathbed and when they refused he got belligerent. I'm putting this up here to show even the founder of AA was imperfect so it's ok for us to be ok. His writings continue to inspire and the 12x12 is my fav book. How he explains each step. It's a wonderful program for spiritually inclined people. When I was going I was praying. Seems that was my sponsor answer to everything, pray on it, lol. I can always go back one day if I choose. And I probably will. Being around people who are same as you is powerful. But for now I'm ok. They told me I'd drink when I left and I haven't so there. But I cannot have remorse for AA cause that would bring me back in for the wrong reasons. If I go back in its to help people. Picking up white chips and working first 3 steps is over for me. If I take someone thru that process it helps me too. I get to revisit older tin opals. Not for me, for the newcomer. The most important person in any meeting is the newcomer. If she's a women the women take her but if he's a dude he can't be scared away by everybody jumpin on him. One on one contact with another individual who also suffers from addiction. That's what I want. I want to make a difference in somebody's life. But if I never return to 12 step program I'll find other ways to help people like blue light, everyone out there who's struggling I just wanna say, I'm with ya. My life is nowhere where it needs to be. I have a lot of work to do and plans to see thru. Takes heart, money, and that little click I do in the morning to reming myself I'm an addict alcoholic. As long as I don't forget I'll be fine. I'm moving to cold ass Wyoming but that's ok cause that where my daughter, step son, and ex who still loves me despite all the abuse she took from me. This is where I need t be and I just wanna be there already and I'm stuck where I'm at cause of a stupid court case. I stil hope to meet my goal and be there be New Year's Eve. I got some time. Since she was born it's been plane after plane thru thre years. No more of that shit. I always stayed close I got good role out there and my stepson who I just ripped apart drinking. Abuse is not a pretty thing to live with. He's 13 now but he he was a premie so Dr said he's always be slow mentally and physically. He's a little guy buy puberty has hit him. I talked to him just the other day and he sounded wd dee voiced and was cracking jokes at my expense. Says he wants to play football. 13yrs old still teachable but he's gonna need to stand out in some way. He said I'm pretty fast dad if you didn't know. I said ok son play football and score a touchdown for your mom!!! Maybe I'll be there to see it. Right now he just bullies my daughter and lays around. I'll fix that shit. Just say Game Stop and he'll get up quick. And for first time in the media I'm gonna ask my ex to marry me. Might take awhile but we'll see. I know I have feelings for her. It's all about love man especially the love . I fucking love her so much but I gotta see if she wants the same. She might not want ostomy bag fucking crazy life. I think if she loves me it won't matter. Anyway, I think I've gotten personal enough out here today. Hope y'all are blessed sober and reaching forward
 
closeau said:
Yes. People have to remember AS is flawed bc Bill Wilson was deeply disturbed. He was brilliant in his writings and I have all his books but he was an adulterer and was deeply depressed for 12 yrs. he didn't want to be the face of AA. Yeah, him and Dr Bob and the wives used to have siances. It's in him biography by Susan Cheever. Those gold were freaky and all her loyalty to Bill couldn't get her his monogogomy. Hell he even asked for a shot of whiskey on his deathbed and when they refused he got belligerent. I'm putting this up here to show even the founder of AA was imperfect so it's ok for us to be ok. His writings continue to inspire and the 12x12 is my fav book. How he explains each step. It's a wonderful program for spiritually inclined people. When I was going I was praying. Seems that was my sponsor answer to everything, pray on it, lol. I can always go back one day if I choose. And I probably will. Being around people who are same as you is powerful. But for now I'm ok. They told me I'd drink when I left and I haven't so there. But I cannot have remorse for AA cause that would bring me back in for the wrong reasons. If I go back in its to help people. Picking up white chips and working first 3 steps is over for me. If I take someone thru that process it helps me too. I get to revisit older tin opals. Not for me, for the newcomer. The most important person in any meeting is the newcomer. If she's a women the women take her but if he's a dude he can't be scared away by everybody jumpin on him. One on one contact with another individual who also suffers from addiction. That's what I want. I want to make a difference in somebody's life. But if I never return to 12 step program I'll find other ways to help people like blue light, everyone out there who's struggling I just wanna say, I'm with ya. My life is nowhere where it needs to be. I have a lot of work to do and plans to see thru. Takes heart, money, and that little click I do in the morning to reming myself I'm an addict alcoholic. As long as I don't forget I'll be fine. I'm moving to cold ass Wyoming but that's ok cause that where my daughter, step son, and ex who still loves me despite all the abuse she took from me. This is where I need t be and I just wanna be there already and I'm stuck where I'm at cause of a stupid court case. I stil hope to meet my goal and be there be New Year's Eve. I got some time. Since she was born it's been plane after plane thru thre years. No more of that shit. I always stayed close I got good role out there and my stepson who I just ripped apart drinking. Abuse is not a pretty thing to live with. He's 13 now but he he was a premie so Dr said he's always be slow mentally and physically. He's a little guy buy puberty has hit him. I talked to him just the other day and he sounded wd dee voiced and was cracking jokes at my expense. Says he wants to play football. 13yrs old still teachable but he's gonna need to stand out in some way. He said I'm pretty fast dad if you didn't know. I said ok son play football and score a touchdown for your mom!!! Maybe I'll be there to see it. Right now he just bullies my daughter and lays around. I'll fix that shit. Just say Game Stop and he'll get up quick. And for first time in the media I'm gonna ask my ex to marry me. Might take awhile but we'll see. I know I have feelings for her. It's all about love man especially the love . I fucking love her so much but I gotta see if she wants the same. She might not want ostomy bag fucking crazy life. I think if she loves me it won't matter. Anyway, I think I've gotten personal enough out here today. Hope y'all are blessed sober and reaching forward
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I'm wishing the best for you! It sounds like you and your ex have been on good terms and that it was addiction that drove you apart - so fingers crossed that everything works out. I don't think the osteomy bag will make a difference. If that was something my husband needed it would change our relationship. If he had one when we met I would have still dated and married him. With the amount of history you have I don't foresee the bag being a factor at all. That's pretty awesome your step son calls you a dad - to me that speaks volumes about the relationship you have with your ex.
 
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