I didnt make it all the way thru the whole article becuz I just aint beat for hearing the story of how it started, etc, all over again but I will force myself to. I got to the part of Bill W in the hotel and having a trip-vision of god n all that and skimmed thru the rest.
They dont know how AA works becuz it aint "AA" thats working, its the people who brainwash themselfs with the philosophies of it. And Dr Drew can suck a fucking dick, Oh, "If a person dont want to to the 12 steps they dont want to get better" FUCK YOU, You ignorant piece of pig shit. How insulting can you be to the idea of personal responsibility?
I despise the idea that you cant stay clean without NA. That you "need" meetings to keep you clean, TWENTY FUCKIN YEARS after you stopped using. That you got so little strenth of your own that every single moment of your day is still a risk filled situation that could send you flying back into the pit of addiction.
You become a slave to meetings. Replacing your addiction to drugs/alcohol with addiction to the program. People eat live and sleep the program, the amount they are obsessed with it is straight up scary to me honestly. They are like programmed robots brainwashed to all think the same shit, to believe all this shit, and its the only way that they can stay clean ,is to believe it.
If it keeps em clean, good for them. If it works for them I am happy for them and it must not be such a bad thing for THEM. But shit, all I see after the hundreds of meetings that Ive wasted my nights at, is a bunch of people whose lives are still about drugs, every second of them. Except now, they about NOT using drugs instead of using them.
You cant just be a person who got off drugs. You cant just be you. You got to be you, ADDICT. You got to be a addict who is ALWAYS at risk, FOR-EVARRRR. That after 30 years without gettin high, you are still at as much risk as u were the day you quit, of relapsing. That its like this monster hidden around every corner, that you are WEAK and you CANT fight it without the program, that you CANT do it alone, that you aint CAPABLE of stayin clean, unless you do this that and the third. You GOT to do this, you GOT to get a sponsor, you GOT to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, you GOT to work the steps, all this garbage.
Well how bout this, i been clean 9 months and I aint been to a meeting in like 5 months. I actually never even went to collect my 6 months keychain, OR my 9 months one, becuz I got so sick of the meetings that I seriously just couldnt do it no more. Just sittin there listening to these people delude themselfs over and over, repeating this same cult-like shit time after time just got to be too much for me.
I aint denying that for some people it has helped them alot. but as a person who is a independent thinker who likes to do shit myself, think shit thru myself, there is just so many gaping holes in their philosophies, so much contradiction, so much shit thats just ass-backwards, that its totally useless to me. I really cant do it. That group-think shit, the mindless agreeing, man its just scary to me. its really like a cult IMO.
Is that really the life you want to life, yea , off drugs, but terrified? Scared that every day, any day, you could just fall off and start using and end up dead? That your addiction is a living thing thats like, scheming and plotting ways to win you back? That you should drive 50 minutes out of your way to work every morning , so you dont pass a bar? That you are SO FUCKING WEAK that even driving past a street corner that you copped dope at ONCE can totally throw you off balance and send you right back to the needle like a choice-less zombie? That you NEED to go to a meeting every day, becuz THATS wats keeping you clean--not your own will, not your strentgh, not your heart as your desire to stay clean gets stronger, not your wisdom and your intelligence that helps guide you, not you, but "the program"? That you will always forever be an addict, so even 60 years after you quit you still need to go to meetings and work the steps? That you will never, ever change, never be stronger, never be "cured" or "recovered", that recovery is forever and you are just doomed to always be that way til the day you die?
I aint down with the powerlessness. I aint powerless. If i was powerless, I would not have been able to quit using when i realized that i really, truly, absolutely HAD TO or i was goin straight to state prison. if i was powerless, I never could have used around my probation schedule, gettin high on the day of my piss test and the day after ,and leavin 5 days in between to clean up so i could piss clean for my PO visit a week later. If i was powerless, I woulda just started binging out like crazy every time i got a couple bundles and not stopped using til it was gone, nevermind probation. if i was powerless, I never coulda copped those 3 bundles and just left them sittin there, hidden in my closet, for 4 days while i laid there sick as a dog, hurtin, miserable, depressed, wantin to die while I kicked, and not even touched them, not even considered touching them until after i passed my piss test.
If I was powerless, I woulda needed NA to get clean like I been. If i was powerless, i never coulda turned my life around like I did. I aint powerless, I took back my power that I had gave up, lost a hold on, and forgot that I had while i was usin. I got a choice, and when i was buried in the suffering of my addiction I couldnt exercise that choice, i coudlnt hold on tight enough to make a solid choice and stick to it, but I got it back eventually. I didnt go to rehab. I didnt go to NA. I didnt do jack-shit, except get on my Methadone, and start some long, hard thinking.
Soon enough, i lost that obsession with heroin. it took months, but it happened. It stopped bein this idea, buried in my heart , living inside of me, this passionate, destructive, insane love, wanting, craving, and just gradually turned into another idea just like anything else. It went from bein that crazy lover who you have ups and downs with, the person where its so intense that one minute you want to kill each other and the next you are furiously fucking, who you would kill for, and also want to kill. And became that boring guy/girl down the street that you really dont know much or feel nothing for, just a bland aquaintance.
Heroins grip dropped off my heart & my mind, it let go and became just another thing. Not the obssessive lust for the drug of the addict but the take it or leave it attitude of the casual recreational drug user who has fun once in a while and then gets back to 'normal' life the majority of the time. that insane, doomed love affair with dope turned into something totally lame and boring, like it was just a kind of uninteresting co-worker instead of a secret crush that burns so hot and bright inside of you that you drive yourself crazy thinking of them.
And once that crazy obsession ended, I was able to do dope , pick it up, and get a little high. Have some fun, and then forget about it for another couple months. Without none of the "oh shit, its gone? i got to get more, just one more shot, just get high for one more day" shit. Without nothing really, no feelings of disappointment when it was over and i had to go back to the daily methadone grind. It was a fun thing, and when it was done it was done. and thats all there was to it. I wasnt fantasizing, thinking about when I will be able to have it again, just living for that day when I get to boot another shot. It wasnt even really in the back of my mind.
I was too busy livin my life, a normal life, not a ex drug addict life. I dont WANT to identify myself as a fuckin ADDICT, i want to be ME. If i aint using the drug no more, if my life stopped being about this drug then why should I still make every fuckin moment be about avoiding it, which is the entire focus of the NA/AA programs? Is it really true that every single person who was ever addicted, will never, EVER be able to have a normal life again? That they are doomed to a life of NA picnics, NA barbecues ,NA sports games, NA meetings, NA community projects, NA this and fuckin that all day forever. That NA is the only "safe zone" that you can trust. That NA is the only one for you. NA will take care of you, NA will keep you safe and happy. You need NA. You cant live without NA. Trust NA and put your faith in NA and you will be ok.
It sounds alot to me like a drug addict if you replace NA with Heroin or Alcohol, etc.
If that life is wat being clean is about,.....Fuck bein clean.
But it aint GOT to be like that, becuz you aint gotta listen to their bullshit-ass lies and insane mind-warping philisophies.
But of course , according to them, that only means that you "dont really want to/aint really ready to get clean." 8(
I could go on forever and ever about this and I know i already been goin off for a while now, so Ima wrap it up but seriously, it aint no suprise to me that they say they aint got no idea how or even if the program works, becuz there aint nothing to it except a persons willingness to delude themself and listen to wat they are told, and their ability to totally devote their life to that. If you can do that, the program will most definately keep you clean and off drugs, but i would much rather do it in a way that actually leaves me with a life that got more to it than being obsessed with the program and not using. How are you really recovered, really free, if you cant even live nothing like a normal life and it all gotta be about not using? if every move you make gotta still be about that, then you really aint recovered at all, you just hiding from the real world and that aint no way to live, its the life of the addict just without the drugs. That aint no way to be.
I didnt make it all the way thru the whole article becuz I just aint beat for hearing the story of how it started, etc, all over again but I will force myself to. I got to the part of Bill W in the hotel and having a trip-vision of god n all that and skimmed thru the rest.
They dont know how AA works becuz it aint "AA" thats working, its the people who brainwash themselfs with the philosophies of it. And Dr Drew can suck a fucking dick, Oh, "If a person dont want to to the 12 steps they dont want to get better" FUCK YOU, You ignorant piece of pig shit. How insulting can you be to the idea of personal responsibility?
I despise the idea that you cant stay clean without NA. That you "need" meetings to keep you clean, TWENTY FUCKIN YEARS after you stopped using. That you got so little strenth of your own that every single moment of your day is still a risk filled situation that could send you flying back into the pit of addiction.
You become a slave to meetings. Replacing your addiction to drugs/alcohol with addiction to the program. People eat live and sleep the program, the amount they are obsessed with it is straight up scary to me honestly. They are like programmed robots brainwashed to all think the same shit, to believe all this shit, and its the only way that they can stay clean ,is to believe it.
If it keeps em clean, good for them. If it works for them I am happy for them and it must not be such a bad thing for THEM. But shit, all I see after the hundreds of meetings that Ive wasted my nights at, is a bunch of people whose lives are still about drugs, every second of them. Except now, they about NOT using drugs instead of using them.
You cant just be a person who got off drugs. You cant just be you. You got to be you, ADDICT. You got to be a addict who is ALWAYS at risk, FOR-EVARRRR. That after 30 years without gettin high, you are still at as much risk as u were the day you quit, of relapsing. That its like this monster hidden around every corner, that you are WEAK and you CANT fight it without the program, that you CANT do it alone, that you aint CAPABLE of stayin clean, unless you do this that and the third. You GOT to do this, you GOT to get a sponsor, you GOT to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, you GOT to work the steps, all this garbage.
Well how bout this, i been clean 9 months and I aint been to a meeting in like 5 months. I actually never even went to collect my 6 months keychain, OR my 9 months one, becuz I got so sick of the meetings that I seriously just couldnt do it no more. Just sittin there listening to these people delude themselfs over and over, repeating this same cult-like shit time after time just got to be too much for me.
I aint denying that for some people it has helped them alot. but as a person who is a independent thinker who likes to do shit myself, think shit thru myself, there is just so many gaping holes in their philosophies, so much contradiction, so much shit thats just ass-backwards, that its totally useless to me. I really cant do it. That group-think shit, the mindless agreeing, man its just scary to me. its really like a cult IMO.
Is that really the life you want to life, yea , off drugs, but terrified? Scared that every day, any day, you could just fall off and start using and end up dead? That your addiction is a living thing thats like, scheming and plotting ways to win you back? That you should drive 50 minutes out of your way to work every morning , so you dont pass a bar? That you are SO FUCKING WEAK that even driving past a street corner that you copped dope at ONCE can totally throw you off balance and send you right back to the needle like a choice-less zombie? That you NEED to go to a meeting every day, becuz THATS wats keeping you clean--not your own will, not your strentgh, not your heart as your desire to stay clean gets stronger, not your wisdom and your intelligence that helps guide you, not you, but "the program"? That you will always forever be an addict, so even 60 years after you quit you still need to go to meetings and work the steps? That you will never, ever change, never be stronger, never be "cured" or "recovered", that recovery is forever and you are just doomed to always be that way til the day you die?
I aint down with the powerlessness. I aint powerless. If i was powerless, I would not have been able to quit using when i realized that i really, truly, absolutely HAD TO or i was goin straight to state prison. if i was powerless, I never could have used around my probation schedule, gettin high on the day of my piss test and the day after ,and leavin 5 days in between to clean up so i could piss clean for my PO visit a week later. If i was powerless, I woulda just started binging out like crazy every time i got a couple bundles and not stopped using til it was gone, nevermind probation. if i was powerless, I never coulda copped those 3 bundles and just left them sittin there, hidden in my closet, for 4 days while i laid there sick as a dog, hurtin, miserable, depressed, wantin to die while I kicked, and not even touched them, not even considered touching them until after i passed my piss test.
If I was powerless, I woulda needed NA to get clean like I been. If i was powerless, i never coulda turned my life around like I did. I aint powerless, I took back my power that I had gave up, lost a hold on, and forgot that I had while i was usin. I got a choice, and when i was buried in the suffering of my addiction I couldnt exercise that choice, i coudlnt hold on tight enough to make a solid choice and stick to it, but I got it back eventually. I didnt go to rehab. I didnt go to NA. I didnt do jack-shit, except get on my Methadone, and start some long, hard thinking.
Soon enough, i lost that obsession with heroin. it took months, but it happened. It stopped bein this idea, buried in my heart , living inside of me, this passionate, destructive, insane love, wanting, craving, and just gradually turned into another idea just like anything else. It went from bein that crazy lover who you have ups and downs with, the person where its so intense that one minute you want to kill each other and the next you are furiously fucking, who you would kill for, and also want to kill. And became that boring guy/girl down the street that you really dont know much or feel nothing for, just a bland aquaintance.
Heroins grip dropped off my heart & my mind, it let go and became just another thing. Not the obssessive lust for the drug of the addict but the take it or leave it attitude of the casual recreational drug user who has fun once in a while and then gets back to 'normal' life the majority of the time. that insane, doomed love affair with dope turned into something totally lame and boring, like it was just a kind of uninteresting co-worker instead of a secret crush that burns so hot and bright inside of you that you drive yourself crazy thinking of them.
And once that crazy obsession ended, I was able to do dope , pick it up, and get a little high. Have some fun, and then forget about it for another couple months. Without none of the "oh shit, its gone? i got to get more, just one more shot, just get high for one more day" shit. Without nothing really, no feelings of disappointment when it was over and i had to go back to the daily methadone grind. It was a fun thing, and when it was done it was done. and thats all there was to it. I wasnt fantasizing, thinking about when I will be able to have it again, just living for that day when I get to boot another shot. It wasnt even really in the back of my mind.
I was too busy livin my life, a normal life, not a ex drug addict life. I dont WANT to identify myself as a fuckin ADDICT, i want to be ME. If i aint using the drug no more, if my life stopped being about this drug then why should I still make every fuckin moment be about avoiding it, which is the entire focus of the NA/AA programs? Is it really true that every single person who was ever addicted, will never, EVER be able to have a normal life again? That they are doomed to a life of NA picnics, NA barbecues ,NA sports games, NA meetings, NA community projects, NA this and fuckin that all day forever. That NA is the only "safe zone" that you can trust. That NA is the only one for you. NA will take care of you, NA will keep you safe and happy. You need NA. You cant live without NA. Trust NA and put your faith in NA and you will be ok.
It sounds alot to me like a drug addict if you replace NA with Heroin or Alcohol, etc.
If that life is wat being clean is about,.....Fuck bein clean.
But it aint GOT to be like that, becuz you aint gotta listen to their bullshit-ass lies and insane mind-warping philisophies.
But of course , according to them, that only means that you "dont really want to/aint really ready to get clean." 8(
I could go on forever and ever about this and I know i already been goin off for a while now, so Ima wrap it up but seriously, it aint no suprise to me that they say they aint got no idea how or even if the program works, becuz there aint nothing to it except a persons willingness to delude themself and listen to wat they are told, and their ability to totally devote their life to that. If you can do that, the program will most definately keep you clean and off drugs, but i would much rather do it in a way that actually leaves me with a life that got more to it than being obsessed with the program and not using. How are you really recovered, really free, if you cant even live nothing like a normal life and it all gotta be about not using? if every move you make gotta still be about that, then you really aint recovered at all, you just hiding from the real world and that aint no way to live, its the life of the addict just without the drugs. That aint no way to be.
