Why do I enjoy Meth so much? Well, I guess that story starts way back in my childhood. Gather 'round chilluns, cause Kief' is gonna spin y'all a yarn. You see, it was summertime in rural Maine. It had been an unseasonably hot July and we all cherished those warm days, slowly leading into balmy summer evenings. We all would run around the front yard playing tag, and when the sun went down, we would spend the evenings collecting both fireflies and mosquito bites. It was a simpler time back then... 1876. My sister, Scout and I would often take trips into town with our Grandpappy. We would stroll leisurely passed Boo Radley's house, with its decrepit, unkempt exterior and old rickety tire swing in the front yard, the house filled us with a sense of childish wonderment... and fear.
Every time we would walk into town, our Grandpappy would bring us to the general store run by my two gay uncles, John Wayne Gacy and Val Kilmer dressed as Batman. Here is where was produced Augusta's best kept secret, its famous, homemade rock candy. Our granddad would leave us at the general store with a cute, mini-zip-lock of said rock candy and would disappear into Augusta's red-light district, typically for several days at a time. My sister, Scout and I would spend those days and nights, talking, talking, talking; reenacting select scenes from Batman with my uncle Val. We would all just much on rock candy all night. Hell, the candy was so good, we wouldn't eat or sleep or even drink water! Ah, to be a child again. It was during these sleepless nights that Scout and I first described the dance-move, the Augusta Liebkind.
(Falls on the floor and flails uncontrollably for 8 counts)
Well, one thing led to another, and Scout ended up prostituting herself in Portland for 5c a throw or the equivalent quantity of rock candy. Meanwhile, I had a successful business creating rock candy in 2 liter soda bottles using chemicals that I, to this day, steal from that very same Wal Mart that I used to frequent as a kid. Oh wait, did I not mention Wal Mart already? Does anyone have any rock candy? Just a taste? Just a taste?