Getting up at 5am sucks no matter which way you look at it... I like getting up at like 7:30 or 8 though, I feel way better usually when I get up early and see the morning. It bums me out when I get up late and it's suddenly the afternoon and I've barely done anything.
I've been bummed out today, increasingly so as the day goes on. I can't tell why, I think it's the seasons changing, it's so cold already and my house is too dark to not have lights on by 6:30 (because I am surrounded by two tall ridges). It's bringing up all sorts of things. I miss my lady friend and she hasn't contacted me for 4 or 5 days... granted her reception sucks and she has to use someone else's phone to do it. But it makes me miss her more. I really didn't expect to miss her this much, it kinda sucks. I miss my family too. I get a little bummed every day that I don't really see anyone else, like today. I should be able to be fine with being alone for a day or two at a time... I mean, I see my friends often. But it's hard for me. I wish I had someone living here with me, a housemate. I really need human companionship I realize about myself, I've always been that way but living here post-marriage has been the first time I have not had it as a given.
Also the other girl (the first one I met) and I were texting a bunch on Sunday, sort of back to the way we were communicating before she got really distant. She wanted to talk again yesterday, which went alright, and she said she wanted to get together and catch up, but then when I asked when she wanted to do that, no response (nor all day today). It throws me off balance a little. I think I probably should just give up on that but I just keep having a feeling like I shouldn't. But I keep feeling weird about it because I'm like, come on, it's not that hard, when we first met we hung out a lot and had a really good time. Since then she has this habit (not on purpose I really don't think) of getting me all out of sorts with her back-and-forthness. And now I also kinda feel weird because I really have some feelings for the other girl and I feel confident she does too, and although we have no commitment, I'm not 100% sure how I feel about pursuing someone else. And that itself confuses me because I also feel like I SHOULD be exploring other people, I just (not JUST, but recently, in the grand scheme of things it's been very little time) got single for the first time in 12 years, and I think it's healthy for me to explore. I don't KNOW whether she would think that was cool or not, it's really that we didn't talk about it at all, nor did we talk about being anything more than friends. But we don't really act like friends, we hold hands when we go places, sleep together (literally sleep, also sex) every time we see each other and act really loving, and talk cute, and she's been telling me she is thinking about me and misses me whenever she does get ahold of me (and vice versa). She seems to not be interested in defining anything but it could be because she knew she was leaving for a while and didn't want to get into something before then. I don't know, it's pretty confusing, it felt simple when she was here, but it doesn't now.
And I've also been finding myself really, REALLY wishing I could be more nomadic. I love having a house and cats and a stationary life about half the time, but the other half I yearn for adventure. I have a serious case of wanderlust. I wish I could take 6 months off randomly and hike the whole Appalachian Trail, or hop on a ship and spend a year or two in Europe, or randomly go out west for a couple of months. I wish I could hop around and live on a cool farm somewhere, or find someone's house to groundskeep and live there for free (using examples from people in my life right now). I feel weighted down by my attachments. It would be so COOL to switch it up throughout the year/years, and drastically change my life for a while. But I get 3 weeks of vacation a year and I have a house to pay for that I can't miss any work for to be able to afford... and bills, and cats that need to be taken care of whenever I leave. I sometimes wonder if I just have the life I have because it was what I was supposed to do according to my parents. You get a good job, get a house, get married (that's gone at least), etc etc etc... I feel like I would have been happier living a life of adventure... or more fulfilled on a daily basis anyway. When I'm traveling or in a new situation or out in nature extendedly I NEVER feel this way, I ALWAYS feel satisfied and happy and excited.
But I don't always feel that way, sometimes I love the life I've built here. Often in fact. I just get these really intense pangs of regret sometimes and a really powerful yearning for a drastically different kind of life. For some reason today that yearning has gotten really bad and it's making me feel pretty down at the moment. I mean the hiking the whole Appalachian Trail thing is a real goal of mine, something I want to do really bad. But to do it I would have to quit my job and sell my house because I can't take half a year off, and even if I just quit my job, I couldn't afford to pay my mortgage for that period of time without it, not to mention my cats. I have a couple of people close to me in my life right now who are living the kind of life I am describing and talking to them about it is cool, but it also makes me feel sad for myself, that I am sort of trapped, in a design of my own making, that prohibits me from making those choices. Sometimes I want to just sell it all, quit my job, and go out into the world and say fuck it, this is what I want. But I doubt I will do it, and I don't know at all for sure if I even should.
Just some thoughts... feeling a little dark right now, good thing PD Social exists, it's a great place to get thoughts out.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
