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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Pandora's Box.......Sexual Abuse

Bojangles69 said:
For the guy on the first page being worried that he just has the "look" of someone who other people in prison would want to rape, PLEASE, stop thinking that. Its completely not true.

First, "tons of guys" DO NOT get raped in prison. Its about 95% a tv myth. It DOES happen, but its still much rarer than you think. Whats more common in prison is just consensual sex between men, still not THAT common. But way more common than rape. If you want something REAL to worry about worry about how you're gonna stay out of fights.

That was one of the first thing I was told by the oldtimers when I came in. They would joke about it so much ONLY BECAUSE they knew I was a newbie and concerned about it. But simple story short, it rarely happens at all like you think.
EVEN IF you have feminine attributes, most guys in prison still want a real woman. They don't just walk through the walls one day and think "oh boy, I'm not attracted to women anymore let me go rape a guy" so please drop the movie myths.


Now to more serious topics.

As far as this thread, yes I was molested, but its something I don't feel the need to get into. All I can say is age will somewhat change the toll that is has on you.
Because I was young there never was a lot of anger in early years, it was more an overwhelming feeling of "I'm different from everybody" and I can say now that my identity had basically shattered from the experience.

I'm not sure if its worse when you get older. But I would imagine there would be a lot more anger involved. I did transition a lot of my emotions to anger, but I got most that stuff out during prison/early drug addiction.
And now I don't see that experience as really holding me back.

In a weird way we tell ourselves that our experiences with drugs have only made us stronger. I'm not sure if thats 100% true with drugs, I can absolutely say being molested made me stronger than I ever thought I would be. And it also gives me the courage to speak to others much more comfortably who have been through those situations.

For instance, I remember a girl opening up one time about how she was raped. And there was me and my friend just standing there at work. My friend had no idea what to say, or how to respond to the situation, but I didn't feel that type of akwardness at all. I started asking her about what happened and it felt "akwardly natural". Its hard to explain but I think sometimes people can sense in other people when these sorts of things have happened.

I know for whatever reason my highscool sweetheart I found out had also been sexually abused at a young age, and I found another girl years later who I liked a lot and had been raped. Its very weird to say, but in a way I DO share a very strong bond with all you people who have gone through sexual abuse. I feel like you are all my brothers and sisters.
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I agree, there is a connectedness, though the circumstances that lead to that feeling of connection is unfortunate. <3

I'm glad you chose to share..........
 
Thank you...

Ocean~
Once again I must thank you for this thread,for your courage to tell your story in hopes of becoming a beacon of light that we who linger in the guilt ridden,tight lipped dark can finally speak and begin to heal.Here I find a new path to walk down,one with self love,forgiveness,empowerment and freedom from those whose violation delves far beyond the physical and mental as if they own a piece of our souls. In therapy I recently had 30 year repressed memory of sexual abuse surface in the blink of an eye. I believe it had come to a head because a few months before I went out with a heterosexual,married friend of mine who had 2 weeks prior propositioned me to have a fling. Besides the fact that her husband is suffering from cancer and that the 3 of us went to high school together, I was shocked that this woman I thought I knew was such a stranger after all. I was stern and adamant that I spent a good portion of my 20s being a mistress,although I had never cheated on any partner of mine-not that the latter canceled out the former-but I was not that person anymore and although I may not have spoken weddings vows to her or her husband,I honored them all the same and that she and I would NEVER be lovers.She made light of it in the weeks ahead,wanting to share fantasies with each other via email and if e became aroused and took care of the desire-to each our own,then who were e hurting. I stood strong. It was not difficult. I am very firm in my beliefs on infidelity. The subject seemed to fade with what I believed to be a heart felt apology. But once again,this big,forgiving heart of mine was wrong. The night we went out did not go as planned. As a strong recovering alcoholic I am able to have 3 social beer and stop. I have done so maybe 4 times a years for almost 4 years now. But the bar we ended up at was thick with memories of my darker youth. It was loud and due to a near fatal car accident in Jan 2006, my right vocal cord was paralyzed during open heart surgery to save my life,and so communicating to the few people I knew was more than difficult. I used to sing in local bars,at parties I hosted and those I was invited to. I was good and my fan base loved me and I ran into s couple of them that night. They bragged about my pipes and how when I played my guitar and sang you could see the energy of the 3 all around me. They meant ell but I still ache over the loss of such talent and so I began to drink more. Well passed 3 beers, I was now onto shots. And sometime between then and my "friend" driving me home the black outs began like a strobe light on high speed suddenly tuned down to barely a pulse.I know she helped me in-up the stairs,to the couch. I fell face down on the familiar furniture of my home as the strobe light continued. At some point in time the pulse of the black out now mimicked the pounding in my head and my "friend" offered to squeeze my head and rub my shoulders. The relief was so great that I asked if she would rub my back for 5 minutes-just long enough for me to pass out for the night. Of course she said yes and I feel stupid to admit,when I came to she had me on my back,naked as as she,grinding herself into me.Through my whisper of a voice I repeatedly said no as she spoke sickening pseudo seductions into my ear. It was finally the urge to vomit that boosted me with adrenalin and I managed to push her off me. As I began to rise,clumsily searching for my clothes she began to grow remorseful and beg me not to tell her husband what "we" had done. She continued with excuses-that she had wanted me since we were teenagers,fantasized about me over the course of the 2 decades since then,I was like a drug,irresistible to her urges and that she knew "we" could never do this again.
I am sad to say I confronted her not. I simply dressed,helped her gather her things and sent her away. 10 years before I had acted the same way to the 2 male "friends" who drugged me and rapped me in my own bed(this as the story I posted here originally months ago). 10 fucking years.10 years of therapy,healing,forgiveness....for what. To repeat the same behavior again,this time because it was a woman,one of my best friends,someone a bit younger than me who looked up to me in high school. I failed myself.I failed my therapist and all the hard work we had accomplished.
But it was only because of this that while in therapy recounting the ordeal to my shrink that tears from somewhere deep inside burst forth and I finally spoke the words."When I was 4 or 5 I was sexually abused by a neighbor's 11 year old grandson.Later in life I was fondled often by a distant non blood related uncle".
Those tales are of less substance as I was so young and naive that luckily detail did not set in. I need to tell that story here another day when the telling of another story has not left me exhausted-emotionally drained. I had no intention of posting this tonight. I simply read through the pages since I last posted and was filled with such gratitude for this sanctuary you created,overwhelmed with admiration and pushed by the muse that are your words that to deny myself the catharsis seemed itself a crime.
I love to read your post,so eloquent,lovely,divine. As if I had spoken the words myself and you transposed them on some other plane,in another time. It is comforting to feel that connected to someone and my gratitude is not done justice within these typed lines. Just know that although we are serendipitous strangers,I know that we have been cut from the same cloth of souls and I hope to see a friendship sprout and grow and blossom.

Thank you again. As Always.........
Much Peace and Love..........................
......................................................skillz<3


~sorry I did not proof read. I will be back tomorrow to correct the unforgivable sin of a writer;)
 
^Wow. If all of those kind words were directed at me I am very grateful. <3 Thank you. <3

I am sure that through your stories, others will grow and know too that they are not alone.
Speaking of not being alone, I believe it is pretty common (I think we might have said this somewhere else in this thread) to continue on with your "attacker" as if nothing happened. I think there are a number of reasons for this- shock may be one, denial another- but I know it is common among the people I know who have been raped by someone they knew, or attacked by someone they knew.

Thank you for giving so much of yourself in your posts here in this thread <3
 
I believe I have posted here before - But I am going to come COMPLETELY clean about everything that has happened:

At 10, I was raped for 3 months, normally 4 times a week, by a swim teacher / YMCA helper. This started me on a road of self destruction. I hid for years (9 to be exact) putting a smile on my face and trying to be the best person I could be, without drawing any attention.

I was suckered in, pedophiles understand how to exploit children, and I no different. I bit the apple hard and it ended up becoming my entire existance.

After a year and a half. I had a 16 / 17 year old female babysitter. She showed me how to make a pillow house, she always explained that playing house required certain things. This was the first time that I was raped by a female (and the last) - this is extremely emasculating for me. But honestly at the time ( and I still struggle with this) , I simply did not think I was worth shit. Why bother talking ? Why open up to the family and then forever be labeled? I decided to simply swallow this, and fight on.

Result: After 9 years of habitual opiate use, I desperately need to get help (and I have PTSD specialist, whom, however I am do not like him, I am sticking with him for the sake of my mental welll being). My life is all turned upside down - I'm blessed to have a girl who loves and understands me. And friends who also care, TDS has been a home for me. I love the people here.

I am 25, I have multiple problems from time to time sexually (simply being touched makes me freak out sometimes) and my life will never be the same. I looked at photos from before I was ten with my therapist, I remember nothing. Honestly I can cope with all that. It's he lasting feel that I simply am used goods, which has influenced me to do some horrid things in regards to scoring heroin at my peak use.

I write this to share that hope is out there. Feel free to PM me, respond to this thread, ask anything you want I will go into details - there are , unfrotunately, quite a few. I hope this can help some. Be easy all,
j
 
i was sexually abused by my grandfather when i was a little girl, i was about 5 yrs old. i never told anyone, until i was about 16, i told my sister in law. its never really bothered me, until a couple of years ago, when i found out that he was doing it to my cousin also when she was a little girl. i really ADMIRE you for having the ability to forgive. thats big. i wish i had it in me to forgive him but i dont ever see that happening. he died in 1987 alone in a hospital, and thats that. again, i really admire you for having the ability to forgive.
 
fuck forgiveness im sorry i dont forgive that shit , my dudes dead or i would do him in personally with no hesitation. Some evil needs to be put down like a bad cold. My therapist is preaching forgiveness - I simply refuse on this point.
 
The other day, I heard something about forgiveness and how when you don't forgive it turns into a desire for revenge.....it reminded me of sexual assault- and I thought if that were reworded it would be fitting. Revenge and thoughts like that are so negative and will eat at a person......It is like letting the person who did you wrong win.
I think there is a difference between acceptance and forgiveness, but it is a thin line......And when I read about one or the other, I find thatthey are often intertwined, meaning if someone is talking about forgiveness, it is really more acceptance....? If this makes sense.
I think you can accept something happened, which is healthy and the first step in letting go of something- and more forward in a positive way- but that doesn't mean you forget........
Forgiveness/Acceptance is hard, but beneficial not only for your spirit and mind but for your body too-
Studies show that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments. The first study to look at how forgiveness improves physical health discovered that when people think about forgiving an offender it leads to improved functioning in their cardiovascular and nervous systems. Another study at the University of Wisconsin found the more forgiving people were, the less they suffered from a wide range of illnesses. The less forgiving people reported a greater number of health problems.
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-source



I would love to go into this more- but atm I'm not able to fully concentrate as I'd like.....
I'm going to come back to it though:)
 
^ I've been left with a rather violent streak as you know. I believe it, but fuck if I forgive that piece of shit. He died too fast in my book. Some evil as I've said cannot be saved, that's my view, I don't mind if people disagree, just please respect I put months of my life through this shit - and then repeated the whole deal over again later all before 11-12.


Bitter ? I dunno what word I'd put it, driven though. I've turned my anger to motivation.
 
I'm scared , I went from happy as hell to full blown visual and auditory hallucinations in about 30 minutes :( i hate this so much.
 
i just threw it to the wind bro and tried to be with good people and they understood - took care me of me for sure. Im still having trouble, havent slept yet :(. But i wll make it - you know me brother , I am a trooper.
 
theartofwar said:
I'm scared , I went from happy as hell to full blown visual and auditory hallucinations in about 30 minutes :( i hate this so much.
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ptsd is like the fucking ginger secretary at an office party that makes the most awkward comments and ruins every story anyone tries to tell by insisting you look at pictures of her cats...... meaning it's both annoying and makes you want to kill everything within a 5 foot radius if that would just make it go the fuck away finally.

It's like a riptide, you can't fight it, just wrastle that bitch to the ground whenever it makes the mistake of showing itself to you.

For my ptsd, it helps to "lock myself in" mentally to the seperation of myself from what I can identify as a result of ptsd. That's the biggest challenge though is being able to pull your consciousness out of the dissociation long enough to recognize what caused it and write it down as a reference point so you can see what causes the dissociation etc. It's really helped me to focus my practical mental energy on my symptoms when I recognize or feel them coming on even though it might be really uncomfy and I don't want to necessarily. It makes me feel more in control cause its literally training your mind to be disciplined, it;s like when you work out past muscle death... only focusing is like giving the ptsd an ass kicking with the satisfaction that because I could make myself face the moment I don't have to be scared of saying or knowing I am still working through the ptsd.

Hope that made any sense.
 
I feel like I would seperate my entire entity brother - 15 years of surpresing shit gets to you after awhile. I've been treating my body like shit recently, i need to get my act together. I don't know if it was this here earlier in the week but I couldnt give a flying fuck right now , im hangin onto threads being the people who love me n vice versa to not fuck up in a worse sense. sigh.
 
A good friend of mine (girl) was staying in a hotel room with me for a night because we were on a road trip, and her friend was in the same town as us to see family so she invited him over, anyways we all drank a bit, but enough to be in our own mind, you know? Anyways she knew what was happening, but he ripped her shirt off (bruising her), and then took her pants off and tried to rape her, IN FRONT of me. Nothing happened to me, but hearing her cry and scream horrified me and I've never been the same ever since... Luckily I did the right thing - I beat the living shit out of the guy, we were in one of the main level rooms so I didn't hesitate to throw him out of the window while he had no clothes on.

He was charged for sexual assault, and I was charged with battery - but the truth is, I don't care about getting charged, my friend thinks of me as a hero and I would do anything to protect her.
 
im male, and i was roofied and raped. this happens so rarely, and wen i finally had the courage to tell my dad, it seems like he didnt believe me. i dont think any1 ive tolld believes me, so how the fuck can any1 help me?

i go thru waves of complete apathy to suicidal thoughts everytime i think of that night. as a straight guy, i feel like everything manly was stripped from me. i feel gay, weak, and terribly ashamed.

im 95% sure who it was, and this guy wus gay. ive hated gays ever since, i cant wear the clothes from that night, and i cant look at my mom in the eyes anymore. I FUCKING HATE it!!!

revenge is always at the back of my mind. i dont want to do anything i regret, but i feel like its the only way to win my manhood back... how do i deal with that?

ive been an alcoholic ever since, its the only thing that eases my anger anymore. i wanna quit but if i do then i just feel miserable all the time.

im waiting for my HIV results, i kno ill snap if its positive and probably end up killing this guy.

how can i deal with PTSD and with all this anger? please help me...
 
^I'm sorry to hear this.......

Are you seeing a therapist?
For some this is extremely helpful.

Maybe have a look through on what others have posted in this thread to see how they have handled it.


Do remember though- Time heals. <3
We're here to support you as best we can.
 
zephyr said:
I was raped by a guy I was pretty good friends with after a group of us got fucked up at a beach party and went back to his house. I was staying there for the weekend, no one in my "sober"life knew I skipped the state to visit him and other friends for the weekend.

I don't recall what happened as I was out completely. /all I know is- he had a girl with him AND had a girlfriend, and I was kinda making out with another guy at the party that he was friends with. He didn't like the fact I was not going to sleep with him and never had been interested in doing so, so he forced himself on me regardless.

My female friend pulled him off me and made him tell me what happened.

I flew home still wasted and shaken, disgusted and frightened. Usual STD tests were clear, I spoke to crisis care and because of the situation I decided to not press charges. /it would be too much for me to handle.

He apologised but I heard him say "to shut her up". So I told him how disgusted I was and how angry I was at him, and wondered why he thought it was no biggie.

Later, months later- I guess he had a good look at his behaviour and profusely apologised. I forgave him and we still consider each other mates.

Believe it or not, he's been a rock when I have felt suicidal and shithouse and always made me laugh.

If he had not apologised from the bottom of his heart, I doubt I would be handling it as well as I do.
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Just be careful not to hang out with him again when his drunk, he might do it again.
He might have been sorry what he did when he was sober, but I it doesn't mean he won't do it again.
Some guys can do stupid stuff when they are drunk..

I think u let this guy of too easy
 
rambled off from the heart, so sloppy it may be;-p

& For many of Pandora's complexities as far as we see them - as well

in the past we are shaped by our environment, what we learn or are taught.


but not everyone sees things the same, or perceives, rationalizes and feels things the same for that matter.

so what was the reality of the situation???

we are, and our tangible experience, and from there the process of the after-math. contributing parties were there, but had their own motives and reality; conceptualization of the situation. everything we have experienced is happening else-where, was, has and will in its own right. BUT its own right is not ours!

you have a right to be free in and of our own self, you have your right as i have mine, and all else theirs, BUT we do not all intended our will to define others by our interactions with each other.

and so they shouldnt - again:

in the past we are shaped by our environment, what we learn or are taught.

this sounds acceptable right? normal, cliche...
why should it end there..?

this is only proof of our realities ability to have a shapeless form, as in expansive.


i am all alone here,,, i am my own beholder.
what can repress me more then allowing the actions of others to define me, and further 'define' anyone else i may meet for that matter?

i had a strange introduction to sex that lasted a couple of years, i forgot selectively consciously.
i then remembered in sobriety, and i lost my nest.
i soon realized that i had these circumstances, and so do so many more all the time everywhere.

this isnt okay at all, but eventually it took the fear out of it in me, and made me realize that there are many chains of thought that can bind you to yourself, and its called evil... this is only our own misconception of ourselves again, turn Evil around and livE, break the chain and have individual links to yourself and others; of simple unspoken gesture if anything.
 
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