Pandora's Box.......Sexual Abuse

[swilow]

I remember having many peer-related sexual experiences as a child growing up, and I sort of look back on them with a rather mild indifference. Growing up, I always thought sexual abuse meant you held someone down and raped them, or hurt their genitals or something. I've come to learn that this is by and large not the case, and most child sexual abuse, while exploitative in nature, is complicit.

This has always led me to wonder whether it's exploitative nature of the act(s) that cause the distress, or the sexual act itself? What mechanism is it that associates both violent and non-violent sexual experiences (abuse) with pain and anguish later in life? This seems so obvious and even taken for granted by some. I've just never seen it adequately explained.

Further, would this reaction happen in a vacuum, or does society play a role? Do you conceptualize sex by a subjective standard once you become older, or would a person locked in a room their entire life reach the same conclusion, given enough time?

I suppose if it was a parent or relative, it would disrupt your perceptions on those relationships. The power differential, as well as the caretaker/dependent role would be compromised. There's also the perception of incest to consider. I still do think that those things need to be learned to a certain extent in order to provoke such a negative response, though.

Maybe someone else can clarify.

What fucked me up was that I did feel pleasure durng the "abuse". I didn't liike it, but I cannot deny that I felt a sensual pleasure. That hurt more then the abuse. I guess- I still cringe to think I enjoyed some sick fuck taking from me; but- I was so young, and the sense that this act was wrong didn't dawn on me fully until I was older; though I always knew somethng was wrong about it.

 

[w01fg4ng]

Well, I can certainly relate to a lot of stories in here. This is the only place I have ever talked about my sexual abuse. For whatever reason, I have managed to keep it to myself (and one or two friends) my whole life, but it seems easier to write about it than talk about it for whatever reason.

My father physically and sexually abused me and my siblings. He got away with it too, meaning that none of us pressed charges or anything (kind of a long story, and I was kind of a baby too). After years of wondering who my father is, a few years ago I saw him while on probation for the first time in my life. He was released on probation for sexually assaulting my cousins. Speaking with him (the only time in my life), he showed absolutely no remorse for his actions. He has been diagnosed with many mental illnesses, but I do not believe that is a valid excuse for his actions. I went through all the emotions, denial, regret, hatred, acceptance. Although I still run through those emotions today, my anger is the hardest one to control. Even talking about it makes me want to kill him. That's partially why I don't talk about it much.

I am writing this as one of my roommates walks by I have to change the page I am viewing and he starts making fun of me writing on this forum my anger is now directed at him. I just now told him that I hate him and to get the fuck out of my face.

It infuriates me when people are pushing THE button and they have NO idea why, and I know they are innocent but I still get so Fucking mad.


I guess I still have some issues to resolve.

 

[Draigan]

I was never caught by anyone. I over experimented growing up though. I was always a quick, and clever kid. I could run faster than a lot of adults haha. I remember people trying to pick me up at street corners. I'd tell them "Go fuck yourself you stupid goof." Haha imagine that at 11 years old on the corner of a downtown area, during 4am.

Other people wouldn't even stop to say no if I did try to get in the car. Fucking stupid Foreigners in Toronto are scared of us who grew up here lol.

I felt bad growing up though. I had many feelings of demonic shit happening and going around me lol.

I just let it all go now though

 

[cj]

I was abused from ages 6 to 10 by another male who was 5 years older then me. Im 20 now and I find that I am just now begining to deal with it. Like I see how it has affected my life my relationships and so on. In my teens I became sexually curios towards men even though I now realize im not homosexual at least I dont think I am. Lately I dont find myself attracted to either sex very strongly. I have never had a real love relationship which really bothers me as I dont want to be alone forever.

I have been through some counseling but none of it has been very effective I am not even sure what I should expect from counseling like what should the goals be? Im pretty sure my substance abuse problem stems from my abuse but who knows really? I feel alot of guilt from what happened I could have told my parents and stopped it but I didnt because well I liked it. I liked the attention and the feel good parts of sex. The sick fuck always made sure it was pleasurable for both by giving me head and teaching me to masterbate. Thats what makes me feel guilty I feel like I raped myself.

 

[theartofwar]

TAOW- yes, i think it's really common for survivors to have problems with intimacy even when you know you're safe and w/ someone you want to be with and know well. no matter how hard i try, i still jump and pull away when anyone touches me, not just sexually.


cofluey- surviving the surviving is wicked hard work. one day you will feel different, not like everything is all better, but def different. takes a very long time and a lot of hard work. trust is nearly impossible and anger is beyond description but i believe it is possible to find some kind of peace.

best of luck to both of you and please feel free to PM me anytime if there's anything i can do.
-izzy

thanks - I've had one relationship that lasted more than a month, and it was for about a year. She accepted me for who I was, and it was great in every area except the fact I have weeks where again , I can't seem to deal w/any sexual contact at all. Eventually that really strained our relationship and I had gone very far down the heroin hole - it ended badly and it took a few years before we even talked. Since that relationship I really haven't wanted sex much, and when I have had it - I've been pretty much blackout fucked up mode.. it sucks because I miss having somebody there who cares and who I can love back, but frankly I don't see it happening unless she literally has gone through a similar situation or is incredibly open to my bag of crap.

 

[ChristBait]

I don't know if anyone here had any issues with being sexually abused by their siblings, but when I finally came out to my parents about what my brother did to me since I was 12 or 13, they took his side. Only because he was doing so much better than me in life. And I was always the black sheep of the family, couldn't hold down a job cuz of my drug and alcoholism and my borderline personality disorder, which I got cuz of the long term trauma and sexual abuse my brother put me through. When my parents weren't in denial about it, they blamed me for letting it fuck up my head all those years. Never said a word to him about it. I even told them that my brother molested our 10 year old cousin when he was 18, they still didn't care. Told me that they have to support their son no matter what. But they support a child molesting faggot but they turned their backs on me and disowned me when they found out I did drugs. One time my mom was driving me home from the psychiatric hospital and I got into a huge fight with her about it, we were both screaming and cussing eachother out. She dropped me back off at the hospital after I told her to take me to a hotel so I could kill myself. When I called my dad, after my mom had already talked to him about the fight me and her had, I told my dad from the hospital that I'm going to go hang myself in a hotel room cuz of what his other "perfect son" did to me. He says "good, I'm glad to hear that!". They later made me apologize for what my brother did to me all those years.
Ever since my dad said that to me over 3 years ago, I've seen him completely differently now. And I swear to his fucked up god that when he dies I'm gonna go piss all over his fucking grave.
I realized something after all that happened. My parents defend child molesters and they blame the victims.

 

[izzy66]

thanks - I've had one relationship that lasted more than a month, and it was for about a year. She accepted me for who I was, and it was great in every area except the fact I have weeks where again , I can't seem to deal w/any sexual contact at all. Eventually that really strained our relationship and I had gone very far down the heroin hole - it ended badly and it took a few years before we even talked. Since that relationship I really haven't wanted sex much, and when I have had it - I've been pretty much blackout fucked up mode.. it sucks because I miss having somebody there who cares and who I can love back, but frankly I don't see it happening unless she literally has gone through a similar situation or is incredibly open to my bag of crap.

i could have written those same words.
i stayed alone for a long time cuz i didn't want to deal with the feelings, the telling, all of it. when i met the guy i've been seeing for the past 4+ yrs i tried like hell to run him off. i made it very clear i had walls and boundaries. and i still couldn't tell him the why's behind some of the stuff i do. i had to write it down. i couldn't say the words out loud. and i was pretty sure once he read just the little bit i'd written he'd head for the hills and i wouldn't have to see him again. but he read it and didn't run. he accepted me, broken bits and all. but no matter how close we've gotten, i still pull away from all touch, even like grabbing my hand when running across the street, not just sexual touch. i can't stop that immediate reaction no matter how much i wish i could. at least he gets it and doesn't take it as a personal thing.

if someone came along who accepts me and all my weirdness, i have to believe that someone who can accept and understand you will come into your life too. probably when you least expect it...
-izzy

 

[ocean]

I had this huge ramble today in therapy.
About all sorts of intense things and they led me around to seeing that though, I thought I had "worked through" all of my issues with my sexual abuse in the past (Its been 10 years since the last incidence ) I realized how much it has shaped me. I have seen the strength I've gotten from those awful experiences. And today I think I saw for the first time the truth of the long term impact it has made.......how much ( not all) of my neurosis stems from these experiences.
I have issues with control, and vulnerability at times.....issues with other people falling too often into a victim role.....issues with how strong I am being. (Though I see where this has come from a few sources).
Also, most obviously , my body issues.
I was assaulted 3 separate times (which I likely said elsewhere in this thread) by 3 different people, and years apart......
I blamed myself, I punished myself by trying to be heavy and dressing sloppily. I thought that by eating and neglecting I would make myself ugly and no one would want me..... then I wouldn't be hurt in that way again. (this was after the second time- the third time was about a year after I started this subconscious abuse of my body and my heart)
It obviously didn't change anything really....... and today I actually felt the pain again.
For the first time in many years I questioned why?
Was it because of this I have problems with anxiety (duh., that would be a yes) and fear and the other crap my head spins......
My therapist said that it is like this language we learn- after being abused sexually, or emotionally, or physically..... Like and energy we put out, a vibrational language that calls out- I was abused! and then that hidden energy from the perpetrator calls out- I am a perpetrator! And the two will come together.
At first this really upset me, b/c my instant reaction was, Is she saying this is my fault?!?!
Of course that thought is often on the minds of an abused person, that they deserved it. And after my second sexual assault , my mother said I wanted it, that I asked for it. So those feelings were very intense for me for years afterwards. So initially when my therapist brought up her theory of this energy language I was offended, then I thought about it- and she may be on to something. Not that after being abused, we wear a neon sign saying "VICTIM" but it is ironic how many people in abusive relationships, will find someone who winds up being abusive.....
How there often are women who are raped more than once......
So, I was really actually quite shocked when all of this came out today in therapy b/c I've never discussed it with a therapist before. And when I got home I cried for the first time in years over it.
I know it is in my past. And I have moved on......in ways......so, it was an intense experience for me to see all the ways it twisted me up.

 

[Violenza666]

I have been raped twice by two different guys. I also had some bizarre sexual abuse from my mother. I chose to never "deal" with it. I just went on with life. I do have panic disorder.. but alot of it I think comes from being forced to take ritalin from kindergarden til I was about 18 for wrongly diagnosed ADHD.. I actually had serious anxiety. I know what happened to me I just don't care. I guess you could say I have been promiscuous. It is what it is. Maybe it's my way of dealing.

 

[Wizzle]

I'm a 22 year old guy and have been sexually abused by an older brother when I was 11. He was 15. He didn't force me but we where in a foreign country so less friends and we had to depend on each other.. I looked up to him because he was the cool older brother teaching me all this cool stuff about sex and all.. What the hell did I know. It really fucked me up because I really blamed myself (and I guess I still do) since he didn't force me. The worst part was that I had to perform oral sex which was really really gross and I couldn't handle it.

That was the last incident (and the only really bad one). After that I of course felt dirty and didn't want anyone to see me naked. When my family arrived back home I told my parents and for some strange reason they never brought it up to me again.. They should have gotten me help.

It's still affecting me today. I have trouble having sex with girls I love (never happened). Or when I maybe even like a girl a little bit I will start resenting her more and more if I have sex with her, and then dumping them like I'm some asshole frat boy.

My brother just got a baby and my mom keeps yapping about it. Like she doesn't notice I could care less. Fuck him, seriously... I'm happy he emigrated with his girlfriend and I don't have to see him. If he wasn't family I would fuck him up.

I know I have too much anger and I want to change... I'm supposed to get a psych ev. soon but it's taking sooo fucking long...

 

[ocean]

^I think seeing a psych sounds like a good plan.
I have known people who were molested by close family and it is a really hard situation.
Having to have them in your life, or choosing to remove them from your life.
Do know that it isn't your fault- It sounds to me that you were of an age that you really didn't know better and honestly, age doesn't have much to do with things. One male friend I know was having sexual intercourse with a family member "willingly" (though of such a mind that he was entirely not, but thought it was what you should do) when he was 15- so......it happens, at any age.
It isn't your fault.
I imagine you are angry, and I think rightfully so, but I imagine your brother likely feels a lot of shame for what took place between the two of you, being the more mature and the instigator, ya know?
Hopefully, seeing a professional about it will help you work through things

Violencia- I think you go one way or the other- Either you lock up and the thought of sex is repulsive, or you become promiscuous. I went that 2nd way too until one day it caught up to me and hit me very very hard. It is not so unusual to feel numb either-I can really relate to what you said, if you ever want to talk more, I'm here.

 

[Violenza666]

^I am married now and my husband and I have a pretty standard sex life. I am not repulsed or disgusted.. infact I am still oversexed. I am even into rape roleplay and scenarios.. wtf is wrong with me? I would love to talk, feel free to message me anytime. There are things that happened to me I am not comfortable posting here but I would like to talk to somebody about. I see a psychaitrist for panic disorder and he knows nothing about any of this. Thank you for making this post, it is nice to know there is a safe place to talk about these kinds of things... often times talking about it helps people alot.

My heart breaks for all of you, and if any of you need to talk about anything feel free to message me.

 

[Wizzle]

Hey ocean, thanks for the kind words.. The anger is a really weird thing. I repressed all emotions about these incidents for a really long time (but it was obviously affecting me). I actually visited my brother once when I was 19 and we both acted like nothing happened. Then a while later, an other brother tells me he has been molested by some friend of the family (a pedophile, he was a lot older) and this shocked me more then it should have.. Not only to hear what he had gone through but it also brought my own trauma back into the game. I started getting really depressed after that.

I didn't get angry (at my brother that is) until I went to drug counseling and I told everything to the counselor.. I feel like I have a lot less anger in me in general since not denying the whole thing but I did get really angry with my brother. I really have to tackle this anger issue because it's definitely not doing me any good.

I like the Victim/Predator-theory.. Something similar has crossed my mind before....

 

[ocean]

^You know, reading different buddhist teachings about anger has really helped me overcome my anger issues.
I am not a Buddhist but I find some solid, inspiring and valuable lessons there.
I am also a quotes person, so I read a number of quotes on anger and it helped me.....
Recognizing that anger is a secondary emotion- There is something underneath it and a person will choose to let the real emotion be masked with anger b/c it is easier......
It is easier, and it is useful for a time, I'd say, b/c sometimes things are so traumatic they need processing in your subconscious before you can deal with what lies under it.
In my cases of sexual abuse I felt violated, used, hurt, worthless, weak, etc. etc. and this came out in some major RAGE.
Once I started dealing with the true feelings and accepting what happened in a roundabout way, I was able to work through the anger.
The other day when I brought it up, I didn't feel anger.
I felt sad and maybe a little vulnerable but not angry.....
So, to help overcome anger you might want to try reading about how other people have dealt with it, turn to a spiritual channel if that is your thing, read books on anger or google overcoming anger-
It may seem a little cheesy but it works.

 

[Wizzle]

cheesy or not, I already found some good tips, so thanks!

 

[ocean]

^You're welcome!!
Glad you're finding good things!

 

[User Name Here]

This thread was an amazing idea. I've always wondered how many other people are out there that may understand what I've gone through. I made a post about it before but I'll still copy and paste this from a message that was sent out to another BL member I have been talking with:

Anyway, what's the reason I became addicted? I don't know if you read this post I made about what happened when I was 16, but I'll spin out a shorter version of it. I only recently started discussing this whole event anyway. I mean everyone back home knows what happened to me because it was such a huge deal for obvious reasons but no one really discusses it, especially not anymore. So yeah, I just started writing about it in journals and talking to my closest friends about everything within the past few months in hopes of being able to cope with feelings I haven't faced in years and years (as the drugs made it so that I could ignore all of those negative emotions I was experiencing).

So, I was 16 and I was walking just one block from a restaurant to a music venue to see a friend's band play. I was by myself but it was a Friday night and people were out and about as it was the main strip in my home town. I walked by the opening of a parking garage and this guy parked in the back hollered at me. He asked if I could help him with some directions because he was "from out of town and lost." As soon as I started talking he pulled a knife out, shoved me in the back of the car, tied me up, and threw a blanket over me. He drove me to the middle of nowhere, beat the ever living shit out of me (among other things that I still won't mention to this day), and he even took all of my long, long hair (which was in a ponytail) and cut it off at the base of my skull (I myself as well as the police think that was a sort of trophy for this guy). This is the only reason I ever had short, short hair at that age. I never would have cut off my hair... It was so beautiful. I am trying to grow it back out now. ANYWAY. I'm getting off subject. Other than that I finally started to play dead and he simply drove me to this ditch, picked me up, dropped me on the ground, and pushed me in with his foot (just like some kind of worthless trash). I waited for a long time before moving. It took me at least an hour to just get myself up. I NEVER carried my cell phone in my pocket but that night it was there and once I was able to get up I had to walk a couple of miles before finding cell phone service as I was so far out in the middle of nowhere. I didn't even pass any houses or actual streets, just dirt roads. My then boyfriend met me, took me to the hospital where police and detectives were waiting and I guess, well, that was that. It never went to the press. The police believe I was left for dead and even then they never caught this guy. He is probably still out there, doing the same things to other young girls... Maybe even a murderer now (if he wasn't already).

It terrifies me to think about it really, and THIS is the reason why I started using drugs to begin with. I always hated them and was so against them until I realized that oh yeah, people deal with their problems by using drugs. Maybe they will help mine. Within a month I was using anything and everything I could get my hands on and not much longer after that I had a full blown addiction going. Now that my mind is clear all of these issues are starting to come back and even right now I sort of regret typing all of this up. For some reason I feel embarrassed about it even though I know I shouldn't. I just hate being such a mood killer. I mean what do you say to someone who has had something like that happen?

 

[ocean]

^That is a horrific ordeal to live though honey, I'm sorry.
I'm glad that you are talking about it. Sometimes it helps.....and sure, feeling embarrassed is natural, even though you shouldn't be. It wasn't your fault.
It sounds like you are lucky to be alive!
I hope that though this experience you described was likely one of, if not THE worst experiences you will have, you can use it to gain strength and grow.
Thank you for sharing with us.

 

[ocean]

*bump*

 

[Bojangles69]

For the guy on the first page being worried that he just has the "look" of someone who other people in prison would want to rape, PLEASE, stop thinking that. Its completely not true.

First, "tons of guys" DO NOT get raped in prison. Its about 95% a tv myth. It DOES happen, but its still much rarer than you think. Whats more common in prison is just consensual sex between men, still not THAT common. But way more common than rape. If you want something REAL to worry about worry about how you're gonna stay out of fights.

That was one of the first thing I was told by the oldtimers when I came in. They would joke about it so much ONLY BECAUSE they knew I was a newbie and concerned about it. But simple story short, it rarely happens at all like you think.
EVEN IF you have feminine attributes, most guys in prison still want a real woman. They don't just walk through the walls one day and think "oh boy, I'm not attracted to women anymore let me go rape a guy" so please drop the movie myths.


Now to more serious topics.

As far as this thread, yes I was molested, but its something I don't feel the need to get into. All I can say is age will somewhat change the toll that is has on you.
Because I was young there never was a lot of anger in early years, it was more an overwhelming feeling of "I'm different from everybody" and I can say now that my identity had basically shattered from the experience.

I'm not sure if its worse when you get older. But I would imagine there would be a lot more anger involved. I did transition a lot of my emotions to anger, but I got most that stuff out during prison/early drug addiction.
And now I don't see that experience as really holding me back.

In a weird way we tell ourselves that our experiences with drugs have only made us stronger. I'm not sure if thats 100% true with drugs, I can absolutely say being molested made me stronger than I ever thought I would be. And it also gives me the courage to speak to others much more comfortably who have been through those situations.

For instance, I remember a girl opening up one time about how she was raped. And there was me and my friend just standing there at work. My friend had no idea what to say, or how to respond to the situation, but I didn't feel that type of akwardness at all. I started asking her about what happened and it felt "akwardly natural". Its hard to explain but I think sometimes people can sense in other people when these sorts of things have happened.

I know for whatever reason my highscool sweetheart I found out had also been sexually abused at a young age, and I found another girl years later who I liked a lot and had been raped. Its very weird to say, but in a way I DO share a very strong bond with all you people who have gone through sexual abuse. I feel like you are all my brothers and sisters.