Getting clean is the best feeling I have ever felt in my life. For the first time since I was 15 years old (I'm 28 now) I feel like a normal human being. I am no longer numb.
I am really getting my shit together finally and I am so damn proud of myself. It's only getting better. I'm only on Day 10 of my current taper drop, but there is no stopping me now. I was in the hundreds of milligrams of oxy's and also sniffing china white all day every day. This went on for 4 years.
I presently take 20mg oxycodone 12 hours apart, and this coming week I am moving down to 20mg. I can't wait to be free, but I already feel like I am. I know I'm going to beat it, and I will bounce back and stronger and tougher man than ever before. After all the misery, torture and hell of this nightmare of a withdrawal that felt like I was just taking shit kicking after shit kicking from Satan himself, nothing can even phase me anymore it seems. My ex girlfriend stopped by since she refuses to stop trying to get me back, and a verbal fight ensued. A really bad when, she insulted me a lot and she was very clearly coked up. She has also been offering me free Dilaudid pills that I will either sniff or inject, because she does not want to see me get better, as she knows I will be an engineer with someone new. But it's like... once I calmed down from the panic attack, it just didn't phase me.
It's the best feeling I have ever felt in my whole entire life, and all it is, is just feeling human again. It's wonderful, absolutely wonderful not to be numb. I have excruciating chronic pain in my spine as well, that is what led me down this path in the beginning, but that doesn't even really bother me too much either. I'm just so grateful to be clean and so proud of my progress. I spent a lot of money on healthy foods and supplements, that normally would have gone to a single day of oxycodone. I was taking massive doses for my tolerance and getting sick 3 hours later. It completely ruined my life for those 4 years, especially in the later stages.
I am going to be posting in Sober Living more often once I am completely clean, which should be in just a couple weeks. I will still need a little benzo for my panic disorder, but I'm working on that too and I don't have the same self control issues with those as they don't get me high when I take them for horrific panic attacks.
I made a recovery channel on youtube (anonymous, face covered) if anyone is interested to see the transformation. I was reading emails I sent to friends a little while ago, and it doesn't even sound like me. It's like I'm reading emails from somebody else that I don't recall ever writing. It's crazy... I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. I want to jump for joy and I would if it wasn't for my damn back. It's the best feeling I have ever felt in my whole entire life and it's just feeling normal, that's it. Normal and well without all these fucking drugs.
Maybe I will post more here once I am completely clean, even though I am tapering harshly and taking shit kickings day after day. It's just that, I feel like I could be judged for still using a little bit while choosing to taper. I posted something in Other Drugs section and I was insulted really harshly by another member of the community. I contacted some mods about it, because I was really hurt by the insults that totally caught me off guard, but I feel like in Other Drugs section I was ridiculed and judged for getting clean. I really wasn't expecting that from another member of the community. I'm actually furious that the mods didn't give him a warning as he very obviously deserved one for writing me an essay of insults over 2 sentences that were a little out of context - but again, nothing can really phase me anymore. I just don't want to be posting in the wrong sections and pissing other people off. I consider myself clean as my doses are just slight taper ones for relief, as I have chronic pain and it would be too hard on my body to go cold turkey. I haven't been high in a long time and I've been tapering for months. I usually post in the dark side helping other get clean too : )
Actually, I was going to vote for Johnson (I still have a GJ sticker on my car that reads "NO TRUMP NO HILLARY, VOTE JOHNSON" even after he bombed the Aleppo question, but I couldn't do it after he bombed the "name your favorite world leader" question. I'm disappointed by him because both candidates were so flawed that I hoped he would be the person to lead the charge to make a third party politically credible. Even though Ross Perot (I voted for him in 1992) turned out to be a complete nutcase, he was enough of a political force that a Reform Party candidate (Jesse Ventura, who turned out to be a nutcase too) was elected a governor in 1998.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
), and am feeling good. It's a beautiful day and my heart rate is back to normal after an hour of pushing myself hard.
