My Vicodin is by prescription and legally obtained. If I moved in circles where I got offered drugs that were sourced illegally, I probably would have had a hard time turning them down. The need to get some relief from feeling miserable is something I just don't have words to explain.
In my case, I'm very accomplished at putting on a fake front like I'm fine. People around me have no idea what I'm experiencing inside. My primary provider prescribes my amitriptyline, the only antidepressant that ever helped somewhat. She never even asks me how I'm doing, in terms of managing my depressive disorder. She figures I'm stable and managing okay because I don't come into her office acting all depressed. I'ld be afraid to tell her how things really are because I'm afraid that might make her nervous about providing me with an opioid. I get enough of a supply to provide me with a lethal dose, if I was looking to "off" myself, which I'm not planning anytime soon. So I confide little in her because I don't want to rock the boat and lose my hydrocodone.
My tolerance is such that I hardly feel much from a single tablet, but it helps a bit. I would not want to lose even that small modicum of half-ass relief.
I hear you there. I've tried to open up to my doctors about things, but some times it hurts more than it helps. So now I just don't even bother.
I've also been using illicit drugs & prescribed/psychiatric drugs since I was 12, so about 25 years now. I can basically tell a doctor what is going to help me & what isn't.
But of course doctors don't like to be "told" what to do & of course everything that helps me is a "controlled substance".
I swear there's some kind of agenda to keep people down, depressed, stressed, etc... Otherwise opioids would be completely legal. I'd be able to work, exercise & get so much shit done if I was able to just use diacetylmorphine every day. Instead I'm pushed onto SSRIs, antipsychotics, benzos, blood pressure meds, whatever other garbage the pharmacutical companies can profit off of, all while making me more sick.
I think it's a crime against humanity honestly. I can drink myself to death at the bar legally & then get in my car & drive home. But if I want to use an opioid to feel better & have a better quality of life, suddenly I'm a "junkie" and a "criminal". It's abhorrent honestly. And completely hypocritical.
I feel pretty much hopeless & useless at this point. And it very much angers me daily.
So you're definitely not alone DesertHarp. At least not in the grand scheme of things.
You could try looking into things that will help lower/reset your opioid tolerance, so that you can use less hydrocodone & get more of an effect out of it.
But just be careful, cause some things used for this purpose (like dextromethorphan for example) can interact really badly with SSRI drugs & other drugs.
Do you use cannabis at all? Cannabis always potentiate any opioid I use as well.