I too have been dealing with a pretty heavy depression recently, as stupid as it sounds one thing that weighs down on me way more than it should is my hair loss (29 y/o male, been thinning a couple years now). my hair has thinned a ton on top and it makes me feel like the center of attention anytime I go somewhere without a hat because I haven't had the courage to just cut the shit off and accept the bald/shaved life. With a hat on, it's not really noticeable so it's become a band-aid for the wound at this point. I'm a decent looking guy but the hair loss makes me look ridiculous so it's been digging at my ego making me feel like lesser of a person if that makes sense. On top of all that my drug abuse and depression has made me neglect all of my friendships, burned a couple bridges borrowing money. I almost never go anywhere or talk to anyone and haven't done so for most of the last year and a half. Part of my reason for that was because I knew I wasn't capable of being a good friend to someone in the state I was in, the demon growing inside me would have just borrowed or stolen from them. I skip out of family get togethers for holidays because I'm so disappointed and depressed with how my life is going right now that the last thing I wanna hear from my extended family is "So what you been up to? Where ya workin at?"
I got a random snapchat from a buddy of a big ole prescription bottle of oxy 30's about a year-year and a half or so ago and it woke a demon inside of me, gave me an escape from my feelings. I had a really bad prescription oxy habit back in 2018 where I was doing 10-15 30's a day for like 9 months, After I had blown just about all of the 90k in my safe on ket and blues, up until this point I was completely against using fentanyl in any way shape or form, but I was now vulnerable and too broke to support my prescription pill habit. A friend had put me on to someone to sell me fetty powder and i rode that out for a bit until I was completely broke. I then detoxed cold turkey with no feel-good meds at all.
Fast forward to present and I've now been in suboxone treatment for about 14 months, definitely had my fair share of relapses and benders throughout, I actually just detoxed off my last fent dose yesterday and last night (been doing the fake ass blues but only thing i can really access for cheap at the moment, people charging $40-50 a pop for pharm blues by me). I took about 1200 mg of Gabapentin and took a total of like 4 100 mg Trazadone over the course of my detox which turned out to be more than I needed because I was quite dizzy moving around when I got up. It was very difficult to not cave and go see my dealer but I guess God was on my side last night when he made my dealer fall asleep because I wouldn't have remained sober otherwise lol...
I definitely don't want to be on suboxone for any longer than I need to. I was going to try and just get through this shit without the suboxone as it had been a few weeks since my last dose, but I caved and snorted 4mg of sub to get rid of the mental anguish and other side effects the gaba and traz wasn't helping with.
Any time I express concerns to my doc about being on suboxone for a long time he literally has nothing to say, like I've brought it up at my appointments a few times and I don't even remember him trying to answer it, he would either change the subject, or simply not answer.
My relapses feel pretty correlated with my depression. In fact, my most recent relapse was towards the beginning of the month. I felt extremely suicidal and had a complete lack of enjoyment and love for life, still do to an extent but I don't feel very suicidal at the moment at least.
I fucked off and spent basically my entire 20's partying, going to festivals and hustling. Never had a job besides a couple odd bullshit ones during that time. I'm in this parasitic cycle at the moment where I really need something to do to keep me busy. My most recent jobs have been in restaurants either running food or serving.
I'd love to return to serving but my anxiety is so bad that half of the reason I started using again a year and a half ago is because I worked a night on a prescription 30 and I was so in the zone and personable I had the best night in tips I had ever had.
I'm also very vulnerable as soon as I get my hands on cash and am hesitant to work another job that leaves you with cash at the end of the day. It became a ritual for me to head straight to my dealer after work.
The clinic I go to just recently finally hired a therapist, I had a zoom meeting scheduled with him but I was withdrawing so badly at the time that I missed the appointment so I need to get that going because I think it will really help me. Bluelight has been a huge help for me recently, don't know why I didn't think to come here for support sooner, used to browse this site a ton before I was actually a complete addict.
My DM's are always open if anyone has any questions about my experience or just need someone to talk to. Much love everybody, I wish you all the best in your struggles, we got this!
